Fortunately my computer is not out the door just yet.
It is with great sadness that I have to say that SFE is having to be a private site. Because of the meddlesome actions of three people in my immediate area who decided to call my mother and leave a message on her machine that I talked about my bio-dad on the blog. She is very upset. My parents did not support me re-connecting with my bio-dad in any way. They told me I was dishonoring them to do so. It was VERY hard for me. One of the hardest things I've ever done because I was and still am sure the Lord wanted me to continue anyway. I was never regretful of that decision especially because of getting the chance to talk to him about the Lord and let Him know I forgave him. Though talking of these things, he was able to forgive his own father. Little did either of us know he was about to die. I never brought my children into any of it, it was something I did on my own. I will never regret it. He lived across the country so I did not fear of it effecting my life here.
Somehow, three people who know my family felt it their duty to call my mother and inform her or "give her the heads-up" that I had talked of this. Unfortunately she did not read the whole post to see that I was honoring my dad Mark by sharing this story. She just was upset that I talked about it.
It is a struggle to be honest and real and sensitive at the same time when blogging. I see no shame in the fact that my story is what it is. If anything..I see the hand of God. I cannot tell you the immense pain this has caused me. I have been crying all of an hour. I have shut the blog down and invited only a few who I feel I can trust to read.
I thought the story I wanted to share of my dad's great sacrificial love to take me and that giving me the burden to do the same was well worth sharing. It is so hard for me to have to change what was good because some people decided to take my heart sharing and put it to distressing use. I am in shock.
I don't see how anyone can think that calling a woman and leaving a message on her answering machine that her daughter blogged that she had a bio-dad was helpful. If they had been with me a while they would have known that I've mentioned it before. No calls that time I guess. I knew what I wrote was something my mother could read. However, if she had not been so rudely alerted, she may have read the whole thing and seen where I was going with it. Anyone who truly knew my mother and her decisions to not talk about the fact that Mark was not my blood father, would have known better. You don't call a widow and do such things...let along LEAVE IT ON HER MACHINE! (i'm sorry, I 'm so upset) Little do they know that two other people do the same and she has to come home to three such "heads-up" messages. It's unbelievable.
My mother and I differ greatly on the story of my life. She believes I dishonor my dad by saying he was not my blood father. I see more greatness in the story as it truly is. I have always been grateful that God saved me from a bad situation many years ago. This is my story as it is, I cannot help that it's a fact and I'm not ashamed of it. I'm not very good at saying things other than what they are.
Being in a church where your parents go is sometimes very hard. Many Sunday's the only thing people say to me is "How is your mom?". I become the go-between and it was that way when my dad was alive. "I can't get a hold of your mom, is she okay? I left a message." I swallow it over and over again and try to be patient. On the flip side is this, someone treating me like a 12 year old in a home that I'm not in anymore instead of the 32 year old woman that I am with a life story. Instead of calling me, they have called my mother. It's patronizing. I DID NOT, nor would I have EVER say anything disrespectful of my mom and dad. If anything, I let it be known that my bio-dad was not a good man.
I have never been this honest on the blog before, and perhaps I feel I can be so now. My mother and I see things very differently when it comes to the story of my life. She was even hurt when I told her that I informed Princess that I had a bio-dad just a few months ago. Princess is 11 now, I felt she should know. My mom kept secrets from me till I was 19 years old. I did not want to live my life that way because I saw that in Christ, there was no shame, only the amazing redemptive story of his goodness. I forever have the haunting false guilt that I should not talk about this, or I should pretend it's not what it is.
We cannot pretend that things are not what they are. We can deal with them graciously, as much as possible. We cannot however cover up and hide because of past mistakes, the goodness and the greatness of the working of the will of God in our lives. That story needs to be shouted over and over and over and over. That is what I believe to be true. That is what I wanted my blog to be. Imperfection made into beautiful redemption, and the story and stories of my life. I will no longer be able to spread that as freely as I would have liked.
I ask myself, how do I shoot for eternity in this? I will have to pray for many days to get over some great hurt and anger, and now I have a very big rift between my mom and I. She has never wanted me to talk about her past to anyone. I think I had started to forget that again because I get to caught up in what God has done through it. There are times when you have to pray God will help you honor your parents even though you do not agree with them. I am truly trying on this one. I shoot for eternity by telling what God has done through the good, the bad, the ugly. I forgive people and do not hold it against them, even when it's hard. I pray lots. I take great care to show my children Christs love despite hurt.
My story is what it is. I wish I could have just been free to say what it was.
I appreciate your prayers. I'm very sorry to put you all through this extra step. I feel completely deflated. There is only so much sharing one can do in life. I definately have a great desire to share and so if it's to a shrunk set of trusted friends...so be it. I do always try hard to do it right and my husband feels that the way I said what I did was not wrong. So, I have to let it rest. I just need to get over all this crying. The point that I had a bio-dad was important to understanding the whole story of my growing burden for children without a home.
Thank you for still coming.
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