Friday, January 9, 2009

This Has Been Hard

Fortunately my computer is not out the door just yet.

It is with great sadness that I have to say that SFE is having to be a private site. Because of the meddlesome actions of three people in my immediate area who decided to call my mother and leave a message on her machine that I talked about my bio-dad on the blog. She is very upset. My parents did not support me re-connecting with my bio-dad in any way. They told me I was dishonoring them to do so. It was VERY hard for me. One of the hardest things I've ever done because I was and still am sure the Lord wanted me to continue anyway. I was never regretful of that decision especially because of getting the chance to talk to him about the Lord and let Him know I forgave him. Though talking of these things, he was able to forgive his own father. Little did either of us know he was about to die. I never brought my children into any of it, it was something I did on my own. I will never regret it. He lived across the country so I did not fear of it effecting my life here.
Somehow, three people who know my family felt it their duty to call my mother and inform her or "give her the heads-up" that I had talked of this. Unfortunately she did not read the whole post to see that I was honoring my dad Mark by sharing this story. She just was upset that I talked about it.
It is a struggle to be honest and real and sensitive at the same time when blogging. I see no shame in the fact that my story is what it is. If anything..I see the hand of God. I cannot tell you the immense pain this has caused me. I have been crying all of an hour. I have shut the blog down and invited only a few who I feel I can trust to read.
I thought the story I wanted to share of my dad's great sacrificial love to take me and that giving me the burden to do the same was well worth sharing. It is so hard for me to have to change what was good because some people decided to take my heart sharing and put it to distressing use. I am in shock.
I don't see how anyone can think that calling a woman and leaving a message on her answering machine that her daughter blogged that she had a bio-dad was helpful. If they had been with me a while they would have known that I've mentioned it before. No calls that time I guess. I knew what I wrote was something my mother could read. However, if she had not been so rudely alerted, she may have read the whole thing and seen where I was going with it. Anyone who truly knew my mother and her decisions to not talk about the fact that Mark was not my blood father, would have known better. You don't call a widow and do such things...let along LEAVE IT ON HER MACHINE! (i'm sorry, I 'm so upset) Little do they know that two other people do the same and she has to come home to three such "heads-up" messages. It's unbelievable.
My mother and I differ greatly on the story of my life. She believes I dishonor my dad by saying he was not my blood father. I see more greatness in the story as it truly is. I have always been grateful that God saved me from a bad situation many years ago. This is my story as it is, I cannot help that it's a fact and I'm not ashamed of it. I'm not very good at saying things other than what they are.
Being in a church where your parents go is sometimes very hard. Many Sunday's the only thing people say to me is "How is your mom?". I become the go-between and it was that way when my dad was alive. "I can't get a hold of your mom, is she okay? I left a message." I swallow it over and over again and try to be patient. On the flip side is this, someone treating me like a 12 year old in a home that I'm not in anymore instead of the 32 year old woman that I am with a life story. Instead of calling me, they have called my mother. It's patronizing. I DID NOT, nor would I have EVER say anything disrespectful of my mom and dad. If anything, I let it be known that my bio-dad was not a good man.
I have never been this honest on the blog before, and perhaps I feel I can be so now. My mother and I see things very differently when it comes to the story of my life. She was even hurt when I told her that I informed Princess that I had a bio-dad just a few months ago. Princess is 11 now, I felt she should know. My mom kept secrets from me till I was 19 years old. I did not want to live my life that way because I saw that in Christ, there was no shame, only the amazing redemptive story of his goodness. I forever have the haunting false guilt that I should not talk about this, or I should pretend it's not what it is.
We cannot pretend that things are not what they are. We can deal with them graciously, as much as possible. We cannot however cover up and hide because of past mistakes, the goodness and the greatness of the working of the will of God in our lives. That story needs to be shouted over and over and over and over. That is what I believe to be true. That is what I wanted my blog to be. Imperfection made into beautiful redemption, and the story and stories of my life. I will no longer be able to spread that as freely as I would have liked.
I ask myself, how do I shoot for eternity in this? I will have to pray for many days to get over some great hurt and anger, and now I have a very big rift between my mom and I. She has never wanted me to talk about her past to anyone. I think I had started to forget that again because I get to caught up in what God has done through it. There are times when you have to pray God will help you honor your parents even though you do not agree with them. I am truly trying on this one. I shoot for eternity by telling what God has done through the good, the bad, the ugly. I forgive people and do not hold it against them, even when it's hard. I pray lots. I take great care to show my children Christs love despite hurt.
My story is what it is. I wish I could have just been free to say what it was.
I appreciate your prayers. I'm very sorry to put you all through this extra step. I feel completely deflated. There is only so much sharing one can do in life. I definately have a great desire to share and so if it's to a shrunk set of trusted be it. I do always try hard to do it right and my husband feels that the way I said what I did was not wrong. So, I have to let it rest. I just need to get over all this crying. The point that I had a bio-dad was important to understanding the whole story of my growing burden for children without a home.
Thank you for still coming.
If you have me linked on your blog (and I thank you) you can feel free to let anyone know of the priviate setting. I am open to allowing invitations after I can filter them. Just email me


Claire said...

Sweet Alicia, I will pray for healing between you and your mom. I can clearly see that for your mom, this is about her past, not anything you ever did. Everything happens for a reason; maybe this "secret" was a stumbling block between you and your mom that will now be broken so you can be even closer.

And I feel so blessed that I am one of the ones you chose to view your blog. Thank you.


tricia said...

My Dear Friend & Sister,

I am so sorry. I will pray for you, your mom, and the situation. I am here for you if you need me. Have Rick give you a big hug from me.

Joy in the Burbs... said...

Oh, Alicia. My heart hurts for you. Those family dynamics are the ones that can get us. I feel satan is trying to get a foothold on this situation to maybe discourage and distract you from your foster plans.
I don't understand why 3 people would call your mother like that. That is sad that is how she found out. Like you said it was on your blog and you never had any intention of hiding it from her.
I pray that time can heal the strain that has developed between your mother and you.
I want to leave you with this verse in 1 Peter 4:7b,8
Therefore be clear minded and self-controlled so that you can pray. Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.
Your in my prayers,


Gombojav Tribe said...

Oh boy! People seemed to have missed the verses in the Bible about minding their own business.

I'm so sorry you are having to go through this! {{{HUGS}}}

Somehow through this all, may you have a peaceful night of sleep. And may the Holy Spirit work on everyone's hearts throughout the night.

Thank you for inviting me to read your blog. I will be praying for reconciliation and restoration in your family. May it be even better than before this very unfortunate situation. God can do that.

Goodnight and good rest, Alicia. {{{HUGS}}}

I am Katy, said...

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this, Alicia. I so hear you on the difficulty of attending the same church as relatives. My parents, in-laws and brother and sister-in-law all go to the same small church as us. It makes it very difficult to be real and transparent with church members. I appreciated you sharing the background behind your desire to adopt. And, I have an even greater appreciation for your dad for knowing he adopted you.

Joan said...

Alicia - I'm so sorry this is so difficult for you! I really enjoyed reading your blog about your bio-dad and your dad Mark, and how that has put a burden on your heart for kids. I thought you wrote about it in a way that was just right. Thank you for sharing. I look forward to hearing more news about your foster journey - it is something that John and I have considered a little, and I will be interested to hear what you learn. In the meantime, I will be praying that you and your mom will work things out, and that you will also be able to forgive those ladies who acted in a way that was really wrong and hurtful. Love, Joan

julie said...

i am DEVASTED for you. simply put, heartbroken at your situation. i don't have a lot of great things to say...but i will say encouraged. you know, everyone has secrets. only to the extent are we willing to be transparent can we be healed and helped. you have NOTHING to regret about this and nothing to be ashamed of. secrets are so very damaging...i think particularly in a family situation. you have honored your dad...both of them in this blog and i am proud of you. adoption is at the VERY HEART of God. what your adoptive father did for you was beautiful. what you did in reaching out to your birthdad was lovely and moving. keep your mama in your prayers (i know you will) and keep loving her....but i don't think you have a lot of explaining to do. let Jesus do that. as for the folks who felt it was their duty to inform her so inappropriately and unChristlike, i suggest saying a prayer and following matthew 18. go to phone or letter (whatever you feel confortable doing) and confront them. if necessary take a strong Christian friend to accompany you or stand beside you as your speak, to pray for you while you do it. i am so sorry that this happened to you. keep your head up!

Anonymous said...

oh alicia, my heart aches for you.. romans 8:28
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose." i have held on to this verse through out the years.

i will pray for healing for quick restoration for you both.
with much love,

Kristen Borland said...

my heart hurts for you! i'm sorry you have been in so much pain. but i am so glad you find solace in your husband and in writing things out on your blog (sometimes writing is the best way to get through things like this). i will pray for you. i appreciated your post, and i always appreciate your honesty.

on the subject of parents, i'd love to talk to you in person some time about that.

Karen said...

Softest {{HUGS}} Alicia!! I am so very sorry for this stress. I got exactly what you intended from your previous post...I am so sorry that others didn't and chose to gossip and twist it to your mom. Be strong in the fact that you are right, having a bio dad is part of who you should recognize it and share it with your children with whom it also links into. Secrets never cause stability and trust! You don't dishonor your dad by acknowledging your bio father...have you asked your mom point blank how she feels lying about this is an acceptable sin? I admire you for following where you were lead and getting some closure to that part of your life. I will pray for you and your mom! Feel free to find me if you need to talk to someone outside of this.

Tony E. said...

I read that blog and thought immediately of how great a God we have. He, like Mark, took us when we were not His child, and adopted us, treated us like His own Son in love, position and inheritance, to the point where He calls us His children and joint heirs. What great a love God has for us.
I have often heard that our own fathers are the first picture we have of God and in your life, God has provided and even more vivid picture of Himself though Mark. At the same time, He allowed you to have a hand in His redemptive work to your bio-dad so that he too could be an adopted child of our Father. Truly, how great a love our Father has.
Sometimes sharing what God has done for us is not easy. We have to get over our own pride, get over the embarrassment of not living a life worthy of the calling He has given us, get over doing what we know what we want even when we know and want to do otherwise, and give up our wisdom and power in it's inferiority to the grace and mercy of God, to realize that He has done great things. It still smarts though when the embarrassing comes back. We may be forgiven by our loving Lord, but when it comes back to haunt us, the consequences aren't pleasant.
Thank you for being transparent in your walk with the Lord and what He has done in your life. Doing so can bring pain, but the accountability is tremendous to keep us on track with.

Alicia said...

Thank you all for your love, your encouraging words, and your reminding me to look to the Lord continually.
I feel a little more grounded this morning because of it. I was able to write a clear letter to my mom (because I cannot talk to her about it, not because I don't to but because of her receptiveness).
Please contine to pray, I really appreciate it.
Julie- I don't know who these people are. She did not tell me. I cannot tell you how hard it is going to be to go to church on Sunday. I don't want to, I don't ever want to go back. That's just where I am emotionally. I will go. I will focus on God and his truth, and his goodness and above all...his forgiveness of me.

Kristen Borland said...

if i see you at church on sunday, i'll give you a hug. :)

Alicia said...

For the sake of those of you who go to church with me and because of the fact that it was making me sick to my stomach to mom is now telling me it was not people in my immediate church family.
I still do not know who it was, and I really really don't care to know. It is good to know who it was not and I don't want my brothers and sisters to have to speculate like I was doing so I wanted to make that clear.
I still need to keep my blog private because who ever these three people are in my local area, they are not welcome to read here as far as I'm concerned.

Joshswife said...

SOOOOO sorry! I believe this will just be a bigger testimony of what God can do. AND maybe bring some healing to your mother, that she has refused to accept.

I do wish people would mind their own business. UGH!!

Definitely have a good cry, and I am happy to see your hubby supports you.

Praying for peace and understanding.

Anna Dawson said...

Oh wow Alicia. Meddlesome self-righteous people are the worst. Thank you for adding me to your blog. Praying for you.

Amy B said...

May He work in both your hearts so you can forgive each other effortlessly. Something I heard Joseph Prince say the other day that made me cry instantly (very unexpectedly) was that Jesus forgives us even when others won't. We can praise Him always for this blessing... Amy

Christina said...

I'm so sorry for the pain you are going through. I thought you worded your story very eloquently with compassion and grace. I thought it tied in well with what you were sharing and spoke of God's grace and goodness in your life in multiple ways. I don't know your mom well enough to understand her reaction. But I do know that some things go deep, and it may be only the Lord who can know their heart. I will pray for you both.

Don't be discouraged about church. There are plenty of women who love you for who you are (Including me!). And if God has brought some into your life that relate to you more for your mom's sake, maybe you can look at it as a way to minister to her (your mom). I don't always know how to relate to some of the young women in our church who I'm friends with their mom. I doesn't mean that I don't care about them. It just takes some more effort on my part. And I still feel awkward about it most of the time. I hope that helps in some way.

Godsgirl68 said...

Sweet and precious Alicia, I was so saddened to read this post. Now I understand why you had to make your blog private. There is no pain quite like the rift between a mother and daughter. I agree with you whole heartedly, that if she had read through your entire post, she would have seen the Lord's hand in it all. I am praying for your relationship with your mom, that this will bring healing. Secrets very rarely stay secrets, even the ones that have been hidden for decades. When we're transparent with one another, we will find that almost everyone we know has some kind of family secret. My family is FILLED with them. I hope the pain has lightened from the betrayal you incurred. God will deal will those people. In the meantime, we pray for your relationship with your mom, that through this, it will be even stronger as a result. Sending you lots of hugs and prayers and love. Keep us updated.

Alicia said...

Again, thank you all. I, like you, look forward to what God will do. I feel no weight of burden about it anymore except to pray for my mom that she would be completely free and run forward with joy.
In the mean time, it is a burden I have layed aside not because it's not important, but because I am not the worker of hearts and I trust the one who certainly is.
Love to you all.
Return of many appreciated hugs too:).