An Intimate Search For Goals From Prov. 31

If you are like me, you may sometimes dread reading that passage. Especially when I was very young and had toddlers and babies around me I would just beat myself up that I did not achieve high enough. In fact, there should be a just for fun version of Prov. 31 for the new mom. That would be entertaining and the theme would be "grace in the midst of continuous survival mode".
Yet I found myself this week anxious to get to Prov. 31 even though it was not up on the calendar Proverb of the day yet. I wanted to take an intimate look at it and filter out what were some real sensible practical goals, not for perfection sake, but for the blessing it would bring for my life and that of my husband and family.
Through the years I think we all as Christian mom's define in our minds what a Godly woman looks like. Twice in my married life I have gone all out in skirts and dresses thinking that this made me a more Godly woman. The funny thing to me was that both times, and especially the last time about two years ago, my husband said he wished I would wear pants! I was in such a state of pride at the time that, though I did not tell him this, I responded in my heart that he was just not spiritual enough and did not appreciate true femininity. Oh, the Lord convicted me on that one, and I put my pants back on. (of course I wear dresses too but he does not like me wearing them every day and for those reasons). Later on, I found it quite cute that he liked me in pants and enjoyed the freedom of that. I tend to be an all or nothing person so I have to be very careful of legalistic patterns creeping up in my life. The homeschooling thing started to become this in me too and as some of you know from reading here for a while...God worked on me in that one too. Oh, I'm so relieved he does not let me go my own way! I'm so thankful he does not let me find salvation in ANYTHING else but Him.
Oh, yes, so....
I am only going to touch on the first three points today because I don't want to wear anyone out. I will come back and complete this walk though as the week goes on I hope (I'm battling a bad cold right now so who knows but I may be nursing sick kids soon).
One my notebook, I wrote at the top :
Practicality of Proverbs 31
(kind of a "how does this apply to me?" or "what would this look like for me?")

One huge thing to note first whenever approaching Proverbs 31 is to remember that it is in fact a poem of sorts written in the Hebrew to the 22 letters of the Hebrew alphabet. So, it would be like you taking the ABC's and coming up with a set of goals for what a woman aught to be. Or you could call it a prayer. It is infact however an ideal scenario and should be taken as a target to shoot for in the grace and power of Christ and not my willpower or pride.
It is also set in (as John MacArthur in his study guides points out) a "wealthy home and the customs of the ancient Near East" but the ideas still apply to all.

Vs. 11-12: "The heart of her husband trusts in her,

and he will have no lack of gain.

She does him good and not evil all the days of her life. "

= He can trust me to use our resources wisely and responsibly. I show him my loyalty through doing this. My decisions on these resources add to our family rather than take from them.

This one is very convicting to me for when I make spontaneous decisions with money when I 'm out and about. I recently told Rick that the girls were both going to need new tennis shoes and asked if we could set some money aside for them in the next paycheck. I did not really think about it except that I knew if I did not say anything, at the place where we are now, there would be no money. The amazing thing though, and the thing the Lord brought to me later, was that he thanked me for letting him know ahead of time and told me that it was very helpful for me to do that for him. Huh.. so simple.

The other aspect of this, and I think this one is all I'm going to get to today because of the time, is that my resources are not only the money he gives me to use. They are also the time in my day, the decisions I make with it, the care of the stuff we all ready have (i.e. clothes, food, furniture etc.), and guarding as well as maintaining my own energy level. That alone goes into many other categories of decision making like what I choose to eat, whether I use all that we have or waste it, whether I get enough sleep to have energy, how much time I spend on the computer etc.

And on that awesome send off note, that's it for today. More hopefully tomorrow.

(PS: Please feel free to comment, the blog has been so quiet lately. I hope my mixing things up so much has not left ya all silent. I do love to know that you're here and any feed back you have on the writings, thanks!)

We've Put Ourselves In Family Therepy

....and the greatest therapy is laughing at ourselves.

I know, you thought we were in big trouble over here, so you clicked over. See how nosy we humans are!:) Just kidding, I set you up, drew you in, tickled your interest! Bruhahahahaha!!

I'm in a weird mood today...lookout.

Here's the scoop:

Rick and I were very tickled to get one more station when the rabbit ears turned to digital. We only got NBC before so another station was like "yippee! TV!". We were however very disappointed with the CW network. The only shining light was that the Cosby show was on every week day at 11am. The kids were sad they were missing out unless they were on break or home sick. I usually have my lunch or fold the laundry during that time. Rick and I grew up without TV so we have never seen them. In a world where TV is just not family friendly they have been a breath of fresh air.

The few times we were catching it the kids and all of us loved the family humor and so much of it we could relate to. I started to see episodes that just sounded like situations right out of our every day dramas and thought to myself "this would just be good for us to watch as a family".

So, we sent off for Season one through netflix. We made popcorn Sunday night and piled onto the couch. There was laughter all around and especially out of Lilo. She loves Bill Cosby and his funny faces. Princess seems to be lighter in her mood after getting a chance to laugh at the fact that families do what they do and her parents are not just the only ones as she had perhaps thought. Rick and I make cute laughing faces at each other on the Husband/Wife parts and our moods with each other have been lighter.

I remember about six years ago, we went through a very bad time in our marriage. Something huge and our Pastor stepped in to minister to us. One of the things he said after feeding us with the Word of course, was that we needed to laugh together more and laugh as a family at ourselves. That was hard for me to do at the time. It is so true that there is a time to laugh and a time to mourn and I was in a time of mourning for our marriage so laughter did not come for a while.

Now I reflect and think, if you just stick with each other and work things out there will be "laughter in the mourning" (Psalm 30:5- also worded "joy")

With all that we have now been going though with our growing daughter, this laughter has been good. I highly recommend making some popcorn and vegin' out to some Cosby. I think you'll find it fun.

Loved this one. It seemed so familiar for some reason!:)

At a Parental Loss Part 2: New Growth Requires We Abide

Thank you for those of you who said you would pray for us. I have to tell you, I was assured of it last night. The Lord did not let this thing just go on anymore. He allowed us to sit with Princess, though it was not planned out or anything, and just have a heart to heart. What I had feared from having to correct her so much had happened, she felt we were angry at her. In great sincerity of heart I told her that we were not angry at all, but we were desperate. We were desperate that her heart be in submission to Christ and that she would be walking in His ways. I explained to her that to love her, is to be desperately concerned for her. We discussed how parents who leave their children to do whatever they want and act anyway they want are not loving their children as much. My example I used was our neighbor who she knows let's her children eat anything they want. Even if it means they have hot dogs and chips every meal. Her son will not eat a single fruit or vegetable. Princess herself has heard this mom over at our house saying "I just told them, fine, eat whatever, I'm tired of hearing it". I asked her if it was more loving to work with the child to make sure they ate better or to just let them destroy their bodies because it is too hard or inconvenient to battle with them. She agreed it was more loving to make sure they were fed properly. So, I said it is the same with our giving of instruciton. It would be so much easier to just throw our hands and say "do what you want" or "say whatever you want to all of us" instead of working with you and letting your character development bother us enough to guide you properly. To feed your spirit with God's way and not let you starve spiritually.

We asked her to be reconciled to the Lord in her heart. To which she welled up tears in her eyes and said that she had prayed twice for the Lord and nothing happened. To which my heart just swelled with emotion for her. How, well we all know that feeling and I knew it was time to understand what being a Christian was so this is what I said:

"Christ is not a magic button, Princess. We do not just ask for Him to be our Lord and he reaches down with a wand and says 'bibidy, bobidy, boo!' and our lives and behavior are perfect. That is not the way it works.

Have you seen the little oak tree outside Princess? All of it's leaves are a deep green except for the little tips of the branches. If you look close, you will see that the final inch or so of the tree has a new spring green of growth for the year. That means that in a whole year of taking in nourishment, sun and water, that tree has this tiny result to show for it. It does not look like much, but many years ago, that tree was the size of your brother. Years from now it will be the size of the great beautiful oak by the grain mill that is in the 1800's pictures of the original schoolhouse. It did not happen over night. This little tree has to be patient to grow at the pace God has for it to grow. Every spring those little green leaves are a great reminder to me of His faithfulness.

Now, if the little tree had decided it was not happy with it's rate of growth and gave up saying "I'm not good enough so I'll stop trying" and as a result it shut down it's root system and rejected the light from the sun, what would happen to the tree?"

"It would die" Princess said.

"Yes, it would. And that is why Christ told us to abide in Him. He says that if we abide in him, we will bear fruit. We don't read our bibles and pray out of ritual duty, we do it because we long to be close to him and abide in his will every day. We are virtually opening up our roots and receiving the water of life, and turning our faces to his light to feed our souls. Even when the tree does all this, it grows slowly at times. Some years are better than others. But, it will keep growing if it accepts what God tries to feed it.

We are here as your parents to be used by God to feed you. We try to feed you instruction, wisdom, guidance, right and wrong, love, protection, and all the things you need. If you reject these things, it will stunt your growth. You are getting older and are now able to abide in Christ through us and on your own. You can take the time to pour out your heart to God even tonight and ask Him to be on the throne of your heart instead of you. We promise you that if you abide in Him, you will see change in your life. Not overnight, but you will see it. It's the same lesson for mommy and daddy, we need to abide also or we don't grow. You are not alone in this journey but the important thing is to stay on it."

That is kind of the just of it. She seemed to really understand. She was worried that she could not fall asleep praying. I told her that my dad, her Papa, use to tell me that if you could not sleep praying to the Lord was always the best thing to do. Not only does it made you sleepy, but it sends you out on a peaceful note and your soul is at rest as well as your body.

(my little oak tree and it's yearly spring green growth that reminds me every time)

Sure enough, my little girl, who I went to check on in a little bit, was peacefully sound asleep.

I'm Feeling At A Parental Loss

I don't know what this post will become, I just feel the need to sort it out. Perhaps just be transparent so that someone else can know a real glimpse of my life.
It's very hard when you have a child that you struggle to communicate with. One that has a personality that is in some ways similar to yours but in most ways extremely different. Just absorbing the mere scientific fact of different brain processes and ways of absorbing information would be enough to know that some sensitivity has to come into play. Do you have one person in your life who, no mater what you say to them, they seem to hear it differently and get a completely different meaning from the one you intended? Or perhaps they don't get what you are saying at all. That is the struggle I'm in with my eldest. Rick and I both actually. I'm in a struggle and search right now, knees bent before the Lord in it, to learn how to love and communicate to this child in the way that she needs me to.
I was just telling a blog friend that God has looked down and purposed that we are the perfect parents for our children. I believe that with all that is in me. I trust his sovereign plan to use all that we present to her for the good he will work in her life. That he works through us rather that in spite of us. Yet, the last two days I have not doubted this, but wondered how it can possibly be working here. He knew we would have these problems with our clashing personalities and yet he still said in essence "it is good" for us to be mother and daughter.
I love my daughter with all that is in me but I need to learn how to love her better and how to let her know that I love her without ignoring some issues that she needs to work on in her character.
My personality is full of flaws itself for sure. Mine is one of a survivor mentality at any cost. To push through no matter what comes up, to find a way to make it work. I am not a very cheerful person all the time, but I do believe that being hopeful and positive is powerful and it comes naturally to me.
My child is a defeatist. She will halt from trying just from the mere projection in her mind that it won't work or that she can't. She will cry over school work the minute it does not come easily to her. Thankfully, she is very bright and most of her academics have come easy to her and I think that very fact makes her flip out when it does not. I on the other hand, struggled in academics and learned to find a way and push through doing the best I could each time. I tell her all the time that if you give up and start crying, your brain will freeze and you won't be able to sort out the problem. I have to calm her all the way down before we can move on. She flips if she gets one wrong on a test, or her grades are not straight A+'s across the board. When told by her teacher, during their state reports, that she needed to hand draw the outline of the US with her state in the middle...free-hand...she just could not do it! She tried and was so mad that it did not look right and was in angry tears by the end of about ten pieces of paper on the floor! I HAD to let her trace it from a map or we were never going to get through the project!
I cannot tell you how hard this is.
It's hard for me to see her throw up her hands and give up rather than try her best and be happy with that. It's just so not me. It's not her daddy, and it's not what her daddy and I have taught her or exemplified to her. It's like she just can't function a different way.
Another aspect that has been hard is ongoing negative thinking. For instance, and this is just an example: Lilo brought up in the car yesterday that she was so excited about the end of the school year party at the local pool. To which Princess says "Well, I'm just going to be bored because I'll be at the shallow end and all my friends will be in the deep end because they can swim better". I ask her how she knows that is true. She says that last time she was there, all her friends were in the deep end and she was left in the shallow end. I ask her when she has been to the pool with all her friends before. She says this was when her neighbor friend and another girl where there. That's just two people, I remind her, and "your class has 35 students! I don't think they will ALL be at the deep end ALL of the time you are at the pool." It's like she projects ahead and visualizes herself all alone and decides that she will for sure have a miserable time.
Yesterday was one negative response to life after another from the minute she got in the car.
I had a meeting I was supposed to go to at the school and I had arranged for my friend to watch the kids for me. She was distraught that she could not go home and rest, having some time to herself to listen to her book on CD and do her beads. I understood, I told her so, and that I really did not want to go either but that it was important. She started snipping at her sister because her world was unhappy and she got in trouble for that. As a result, she went in her room and started crying loudly so we could all hear her and spouting out various doom and gloom statements of how awful her life was and how she never had any time to herself. Now, mind you, I could tell she was tired. I suggested that she just lay down for the few minutes we had before the meeting. I even offered her my bed so that she could rest quietly without her sister coming into the room since they share a room. I was truly trying to validate her expressed need for time. She not only did not want that, she refused it and went on about how miserable it was that she could not do what she wanted. Tears again. I tried so hard to swallow so many things racing through my head. I prayed for wisdom and for self-control. I felt a sense of doom myself for a moment realizing that this was only the beginning of a long road ahead with h0rmone swings and efforts to be the strong yet sensitive parent I needed to be. I felt at a loss. I thought it best to let her cry it out but asked her to come to the couch and talk to me if she needed to. She just kept complaining and I finally had to tell her to stop. I asked her to be thankful for so much that she did have, and for the fact that I'm trying to be involved in what goes on at the school (I'm on the school site council which decides where the money goes in the school) and reminded her that I did not want to go myself but was trying to deal with that unselfishly as I was asking her to do as well.
On our way out the door she asked if she could bring what she wanted to listen to (the book on CD) with her. I was bothered by this because these friends of ours have three boys and one older girl, a year older than Princess. They homeschool, so this young lady does not get to do much with other girls her age. I asked her how she did not see that that would be rude to go to her friends and then proceed to sit in a corner and listen to something instead of blessing her friend with playtime. She said she really did not think of that. I tried to remember that she indeed sees life from a different perspective. She seemed earnest in this and I could not question her sincerity despite the obvious rudeness it presented to me. So, I accepted what she said and tried to explain how that would be insensitive to her friend.
I was running late by now. I dropped them off at my friends giving her a big hug outside before leaving and telling her that I loved her and I was trusting God to help us through these things. I told her I hoped she and her friend would enjoy the time. She was sulky but went on in.
I got up to the school only to find out that they had misprinted when the meeting was to be. It was not till next Tuesday. I wanted to rave to everyone about how hard I had worked to get myself there and what I'd been through with my daughter to get there as well. I took a big sigh and headed back out to my car. I drove to my friends house and she opened the door in surprise that I was back. I explained while Princess came down the hall (now, mind you, MAYBE 10 minutes has passed since I dropped them off) with a big grin on her face and said "but, I don't want to leave, I'm actually having fun!"
Something in myself just became overwhelmed with exhaustion. I smiled back and said, that I was glad and we would stay for about 15 minutes more. Inside I was not angry, not sad, not anything. I was just wondering how I was going to ride this roller coaster for seven plus more years.
That's all I'm going to vent out today. There is more but it may or may not be chatted on here.
I'm just seeking God and saying "show me how!". I know he is faithful but I feel weary. The other two are so easy going and I sometimes feel that I'm so worn and distracted from riding the roller coaster with one that I have to stop and say "oh, yeah, I'm your mommy too!" They can be up in the morning and everything is pleasant. Then Princess gets up and the whole tone of life changes. It bothers me that this happens. I ask her to be a peacemaker (her daddy has been teaching her that for so many hears) but instead she nit-picks at her siblings and always has some grievance about something. We have not been neglecting her heart on this either. We have been working on it for many years. We have taken her to the Word, and she certainly knows what's right. Yet, I don't want to always be on her and make her think that we don't love her or that she can't do anything right all the time. Yet, there are so many zillions of every day issues that there are few moments when things ARE going well for her. If she has a good day with everything going smooth for her things are great. As we all know, life does not work that way so there are so many moments of trial. I don't know how to get her to relax. I don't know how to get her to lighten up. I don't know how to get her to take things in stride. I don't know how to get her to see the good. I can tell her all these things till I'm blue in the face, and I have, but I cannot make her change. Only God can do that. I just feel overwhelmed with the HOW right now.

If I Would Just Take The Advice I Give My 11 Year Old

Working back into school this week after two weeks bumming and traveling has been a challenge. It allowed for some building issues with our oldest to bubble to the top and explode. I've gone on my knees, Rick and I have talked a lot, and I've employed my creative solution finding juices to search out some practical wisdom.
Here is kinda what was happening:
In the hour or so rush of getting ready for school, Princess realizes that she has left both of her school wearable shoes in the car....THAT DADDY TOOK TO WORK! Now, my mind goes by default to what in the world can I improvise with, but hers goes right to the very fact that the world, is indeed, ending. I try to stay calm and encourage creativity and finding something that will work even just for the day. I suggest some slippers that she has said are too tight. "Well, why don't you go try them on and see if it may just work for one day." She returns saying that they are too small and flop off her heal in the back. "If they were too tight, they would not flop off your heals dear". Still, she is in misery but decides it will have to do.
The problem however is that in the midst of this event, she returns to her room and snips off at her sister about something, and is repeatably disrespectful to me through small responses to the simplest things such as time reminders or "don't-forget-to" 's. She is mad, emotional, frustrated and all together not happy that her world has been turned on it's side. In the mean time, I am trying to stay calm in the midst of her crankiness to me and others but not ignore that it's an issue either.
(This was also the morning, if you follow my facebook you know, that I went to spray Superkid's hair with water in order to brush out his bedhead, only to discover Emma had put shampoo in the bottle and he had to be rinsed head hanging over the kitchen sink before taking off for school)
This beautiful morning was topped off by her injuring herself on the door handle of the car. She just emotionally fell apart. By now, I was feeling sorry for her despite the crankiness I'd received. I hate when she has to go off to school like that.
Ironically I came home to see her tennis shoes in the laundry room. Oh, well.
The next morning was better but when she could not find her homework the whole cycle was gearing up again and she started snipping at me and her sister again. My goodness, I thought, I cannot co through this over and over again.
So, I prayed a lot on Tuesday and thought about what to do.
It occurred to me that her problem was a 50/50 scenario. Half of the problem was the circumstance and the other was her choice of how to react to that circumstance. So, we sat down and told her later, if we can eliminate the first problem, it should ease up the second one. Beyond that, she needed to make sure better choices regarding her speech and attitude with her family and to focus more on bringing glory to God with her treatment of others. Those things that were becoming a problem needed to be done the night before. Shoes? Check..set out. Homework? Check...it's in the binder. What to wear? Check...folded and set out. As well as anything else needed the next day out of the norm. On top of this we added a 30 min wake up earlier time and told her we would try that and see if it helped her. She moves VERY, and I do mean VERY, slow in the morning. Lilo on the other hand is dressed in 10 minutes, packed in five and following me around the rest of the morning with her backpack on asking if she can go out in the carport and skate. If I could just find a medium!!!!
Her chores are also required in the morning so we had to allow room for those too. Her sister unloads the dishes, and she puts them away. She is to feed and water the cats and make her bed. It does not sound like much but there has not been time to get it done.
We tried this and it's working very well.
Then it occurred to me that I need to take my own advice. How many times I don't plan ahead or do the consistent things I should in a day and because of my lack of organization and planning, things go insane and I'm cranky to the kids or Rick. I do the same thing I tell her not to do. I take it out on them when it's really my not doing what I should.
So, I ask myself, what circumstances are keeping me from harmony in my life? I've started to find some.
Wake up enough to be cheerful before the kids wake up.
Clean the kitchen the night before entirely so that breakfast and lunches come together better.
Prep lunches the night before if possible.
Go to sleep at a sensible time.
Stay home and don't run around browsing or wasting time because a peaceful home needs keeping up on.
On that note, keep up so you don't have to catch up.
Think of dinner at about 10 am or earlier. Prep it all day to avoid the time crunch when the kids are home and tired and hungry and demanding.
Plan it so daddy can walk in to us at the table, set nicely, waiting for him.
Don't eat too much so that I'm too sluggish for my tasks, especially in the evening. (or you could call it, eat FOR energy, not against it)
Those are just some on the top of my head right now.

Sometimes answers are just more simple than we think. It's all the magic of forethought.

Easter Was Only The Begining and What Was To Come Is Of Colossal Importance For Every Day Life

I had a hard time absorbing Easter this year. I felt myself making a concerted effort to stop and reflect on the death of my Lord and the significance of His resurrecting from the dead. The two biggest events in human history followed up by even the prior birth of Christ, one would think would move me each time beyond measure. Yet, sometimes it doesn't. Ooooh, that makes me sound like such a bad Christian does it not?!

The fact is, the crucificiton and the resurrection are events in history that I utterly believe in but that are far away from my own every day reality. That is just the truth of it. Only by the impression on my heart from God's Holy Spirit are my eyes even open to receive and believe those truths. Though they are massive, earth shattering, and eternally life changing to me, they are emotionally and practically a long way away from my every day and I feel I have to work my brain to travel back to what I even have knowledge of regarding their existence.

So, this morning I was greatly impressed and encouraged by an event no less significant that allows the "rubber" of the Easter story to hit the "road" of my life.

Most of you know that Passover is before Easter. That the last supper took place at Passover. That passover is a remembrance of when God rescued the Israel nation out of slavery and brought them into the promised land. It was a time to put the blood of a lamb on the door post so the angel of death would passover the home of those who put their faith in God. You also know that this was indeed a foreshadowing of the coming of Christ to be the Lamb of God, shed his blood, that though faith would allow the freedom from slavery to sin as well as salvation from eternal death.

Jesus was crucified after the passover meal and rose from the dead three days later. Of course his resurrection and it's significance trumps any other before or after existing belief regarding the salvation of humanity. It fulfills all prophecy to the "T", and it allows and points to the possibility of our own certain resurrection in bodily form before the creation of the New Earth as we are told in Revelation.

When Jesus rose from the dead he appeared to the disciples and ate meals with them to prove he was not just spirit but risen body as well. He remained with them for 40 days teaching them about the Kingdom of God.

All great events, all foundational and life changing for me of course. However, nothing I have participated in myself or been able to witness to where my memory is forever branded with experiential absorption of truth. What is experienced in my life happened 50 days after that Passover.

It's called the Feast of Weeks and is also known as "Pentecost" (meaning "fiftieth") celebrated 50 days after Passover in May/June (Lv 23:15-22). For years, and years, and years, the people of Israel came to Jerusalem to celebrate this important event.

It's astounding to me how consistent God is. I'm so thankful for that. How important absolutely perfect timing is to him as well. He is precise, concise, and affirmative. He used the events of Jesus to coincide and tie up all loose ends of the rituals of the Old Testament and make them complete and fulfilled. Wow. For it was at this exact time that the events of Acts chapter 1 take place. The promise given by Jesus (vs.8) to send the helper, the comforter, the source of power, the very spirit of Himself would come to pass at this time. It was called the Pentecost. During the former feast at Pentecost, the firstfruits were offered and the image is paralleled and fulfilled as the Holy Spirit came and brought the firstfruits of the gospel of Jesus the Christ through the salvation of the first Christians that day.

The amazing thing is that this is something I am a part of. It was the beginning, but I get to be part of the story. The apostles had to wait for this special event but all after are given the Holy Spirit at salvation. That means that the power that motivated Christ to obey the will of God even unto death, now dwells in me. It means that the comfort he gave out to others in his human life, is given to me, just as if his very hands were laid upon me. It means that his Spirit to fulfill the will of God on earth is moving and working even now on this earth and through His great grace, it is moving through my very life and circumstances. It means that my life can be decided in every detail by God's direction. There are no more chances, guesses or good luck/bad luck outcomes. Notice that even the last decision made by the disciples before the Holy Spirit came was made by the casting of lots. They cast lots between whether Matthias or Barabbas (or Justus) should be the disciple to replace Judas. They trusted God to decide through this practical process proven by their prayer in verse 24. It was an OT way of determining the will of God. That was about to change. God was about to become even more intimate than just saving our souls. He was going to hand us the very spirit of His son to navigate our steps till we reach the end. If we belong to Him and prayerfully decide what to do in life, He will lead us in the will of God. That is an amazing thing if you really think about it.

In summary, it's kind of a "that was then, this is now" story. Try as we might to muster up emotions and significant responses to the events of Christ's cross and resurrection, we waver and we fail. We come and we go. We are unpredictable and unsteady. We are distant from the event itself and unable to grasp it's importance fully.

Then God gave his intimate solution to the problem he knew all to well that we had. Wanting to help us, love us, and guide us through, he unleashed the Holy Spirit of his beloved Son into our very lives so that He can navigate and keep faithfully that which has been in trusted to His care. We are not powerful. We are not comforted. We are not wise. We are not fulfilled and focused. Yet the event of the Pentecost, 50 days from Passover, and up and coming on your calendar, is the phase two in the Easter Story. It is the hand to be held, the motivation to be used, the peace to be permeated, the direction to be led, and the companion so treasured along the rest of a journey for the Glory of God. For Him, to Him, and by Him, making us complete in Christ.

So, whatever you do....don't stop celebrating if you believe, because this is where YOU come in to the story itself!

Be encouraged.

When "How DOES She Do That?" Bogs You Down

I've been hanging out at the school a lot today. Princess has a noon Easter picnic I'm here for and I decided to give myself a "day off" of sorts and enjoy the Internet in the computer lab for a while. I REALLY look forward to getting my computer back. I was just reading Money Saving Mom and thinking "ahhhh, I really need this resource!"
While there I found a great new blog I want to check out more when I DO get my computer again. It's called The Prudent Homemaker. I like that she tries to live off of what she has more and that her recipes are categorized as well by seasons of the year. I hope to do that more in the future.

However, skipping over to her blog just sent me off an emotional cliff of sorts from building thoughts the last few days.

I've been tired since coming back from the science camp with Princess. It was so fun but I was only away from the cabin of six girls for 45 minutes each day and the second day my 45 minutes were spent coloring the props for their little skit they all get to put on while there. So, I was quite tired.

I arrive home wanting so badly to pick up my projects for spring but having NO energy and somewhat of a head cold. I start feeling this mounting pressure in my mind of all the really great things I want to do. Here are some of mine:

Finish staining the fence

Hoe up the garden

Expand the garden by digging up more ground

Sand the play structure and stain it too

Sand the deck and stain it (replace the two bad boards)

Have the girls plant their personal gardens in the half barrels

Build the steps off the back of the deck

Move the stepping stones to where they now need to be

Put boarders on the grass

Dig up the yard the dog destroyed and re-seed it

Level out under the play structure and prepare it for pebbles or sand

Oh, I won't go on and bore you!

Those are just my outdoor things.

Before I left I spent a week doing outdoor things. The result? My yard looked better, my house looked worse. I was bad about dinner making and exhausted by eight.

Lately I have been feeling the days are shorter and shorter and shorter. How DO some people do so much and categorically document their doings as well? How DO some women cook from scratch, nurse a baby, plant a garden, school their children, sew their clothes and whatever else superhero mom stuff they decide to do? I love gleaning from their ideas but really, HOW?

The Lord speaks to my heart by this time and that is really what I wanted to share. I recall this little song I learned as a kid and I don't know what it is or where it's from but this is the part he brings to mind:

"we all have different talents,

we all have different gifts,

we all were fashioned out to fill

a special little niche" (at least that's how I remember it:)

I remember that the only solution to life is to let the Lord lead you from one thing to the other. It all comes back to simplicity. Asking what He wants of me today. There are so many great things I want to do, learn, accomplish, experience and so on, but there are very few things he has in the day for me to do. That is the reality of it.

I truly believe that this feeling is part of the curse of our stunted lifetimes. I believe we were given a drive born out of the creator himself to do, create, accomplish and experience an eternity of things. All of these involve his creation, ourselves and each other. We are SUPPOSED to want to do so much. Yet, the reality of it is that here on earth, we just won't be able to. Again, I look forward to that in eternity. This is why reaing Randy Alcorn's book changed my life. Somehow I grew up in a Christian home not really understanding what eternity and heaven would really be. When we remember that, we can let so much go and be more focused on God's mission for our alien journey here. I have long since wanted to put a cute sign on my home that says "This is a tent, it's not my home". We are only passing through and with limited resources of many kinds. Our brains cannot learn enough, our money cannot buy enough, our time cannot produce enough. The greatest gift is learning to be okay with that I think. The greatest joy is finding what God has in the midst of it that IS for us, each and every one. Because when it's something GOD has for us here on this earth, we WILL have the knowledge (from Him), we WILL have the strength (from Him), we will have the funds (from Him), and we will have all that we need according to HIS riches and HIS glory.

So, if you are feeling like I have been the last few days and you just feel like you don't have enough or do enough, remember with me to ask for your portion and know that's it's enough because it's from Him who gives fully and who holds more for you down the road.

Carry Your Story, Loose Your Burdens

I've been thinking a lot this weekend. You can imagine, the type of thinking you start to wish you could just stop with a switch. Well, I did, I took a long afternoon nap.

I've been thinking about the Christian life. I've been thinking about this verse:
(forgive me I don't know the reference)
"Let us throw off every burden
And the sin which so easily entangles,
and let us RUN with endurance
The race that is set BEFORE us."

Notice the verse does not read like this:
"Let us gather our rocks of guilt and shame,
Let us put them on our backs and tie up our feet with falsehoods,
and let us hobble backwards as much as possible
All the days of our lives."

I know, it's ridiculous isn't' it?! Yet, it's easily done. This is how:
"Let us throw off every burden"- what are the things that burden us? They are guilt and shame from the wrong things we have done. Maybe Christ has forgiven us but we have not forgiven ourselves. Perhaps they are wrongs done against us or bitterness that collects and is not cleaned out of our hearts. They can be fear of the future and pain of the past. They are heavy collections of what has gone wrong and what we fear MAY still go wrong in our lives. They can even be non-sinful things that have just gone wrong for us in life. They can be loss and misfortune or temporal distresses the Lord has allowed to take place. They only become a burden when we keep carrying them ourselves. He intends for them to make us strong but if we carry them as burdens we will be weaker and even stunted. We will also not be focused on Him and what he wants us to do from there, we will only see the burden in our hands and the tears that fall upon it.
What are we to do with them? LAY THEM ASIDE! Throw them off. They have no place on the backs of the followers of Christ and not because of us but because of...well, I'll tell you what because of in a minute.

"And the sin which so easily entangles"- What is the sin that entangles us? When I think of entangling I think of secrets and lies; falsehoods spoken from and against us. I also think of idols that can even be ourselves or others that we put before Christ and serve above or in place of Him. They trap us, they trip us up.
What are we to do with them? BE FREE OF THEM! Not allow ourselves to become entangled. Not allow anything to take the place of truth and freedom in Christ's redemptive work in our lives. Entangling gives me the mind picture of lot's of little things that become big things and cause hurt, mistrust, pain and grief. We are to avoid them with truth and Love. Our result will be joy and peace. We do not do this for us, we do it because...well, I'll tell you what because in a minute!:)

"And let us RUN with endurance"- To run is not only to move forward, but to move forward quickly looking neither to the right nor to the left but straight and quick to our goal. There is no doddling, no staying in the tangles and burdens and no walking aback to pick them up again once we laid the down just to remember what it was like to carry them. No remembering of them at all except in testimony of the glory of He who freed us from them. We are to RUN! How do we run? We carry on in the will of God in joy and freedom and we delight in the steps that we take and the energy and strength the Lord gives us from himself to make them. We do not run for ourselves, we run because...well, I'll tell you what because in a minute.:*

"The race that is set BEFORE us"- What is before is never defined by what lies behind. It is however a developed story along the way of what the Lord has done for us along the way and why BECAUSE OF THAT we are able to press BEFORE US in joy. "Look what he did back there! My burden is gone and he made my path more beautiful and gave me more strength because of it!" "Praise him and let me share with you!" "You can let go too, and you can run with endurance because of His goodness!". You do not run back to examine your burdens and consider picking them up again. That would shame Him who took them from you so that you can run before in freedom. Yet, you also do not feel shame when you say what they were and that His work has taken them off of you as you press BEFORE. You continually testify what makes you run straight and strong and to mention that you may need to tell of the entangling and the burdens but you DO NOT take them with you for show and tell! They are gone and at the feet of Jesus. You do not do this for you....you do it for ....

Have you got it yet? YES! YOU DO IT FOR HIM! He alone allows us to lay aside the burdens and lay them at his feet. He alone detangles the messes we make in our lives so we can run ahead. Yet, even in that, we do not run for ourselves, we run for Him! We testify for Him! We focus on Him and He does not disappoint. We make the decsion to RUN, we do not wait for the mood to hit us or the feelings to push us ahead. We just do it. (isn't that ironically a Nike comercial slogan?) We also do not pray, and I know we do this, "Lord HELP me forgive this person becuase I know you want me to Lord". I don't ever remember reading a scripture that says to pray that the Lord would help us forgive, it does just say to forgive. It's a decision also and we are to just do it. On the way the gifts we find along the way are the fruits of the Spirit: Love, Joy, and Peace being the main ones from which the others flow. Love, is above all else for it covers a multitude of sins. Sins we hold over ourselves, and sins we hold over others. Love is the minister of burden lifting and detangling. We can NEVER BE out of the will of God when we are showing love in His name.
To forget these things, to forget Him who has freed us; to take back up our burdens or not to drop them at all, to leave our feet in tangles, to freeze out of fear and not put our feet forward not only to doddle but to RUN, is to loose focus on Christ. The author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set BEFORE HIM, endured the cross. So that you, so that I, so that we, can RUN. So we can feel the breezes of life hit us in the face without shame for what lies behind us and without fear of what is yet ahead. He who holds us does not rest. He neither sleeps nor slumbers. He is intent and intimately aware of the details of our path and He desires that we RUN BEFORE for Him. We are not to argue with him as to what we still feel we aught to have to carry. That is called guilt and there is no room for it in his race. We cannot say "Lord, I thank you for forgiving me of this boulder but I think I deserve to carry it still because of the wrong I did you". "No, he says, I bled so you could lay it aside but more than that, you will not be able to RUN BEFORE as I want you to, not for you, but for me, and your burden would remind and condemn you along the way. Therefore, you do not get to decide to carry it. I tell you to lay it aside. You need to obey me. I love you and know what is good for you.
There is no room for walking backwards in the Christian life. By throwing off burdens you are free to shamlessly declare that you had them, that they are gone and that God has made you free. By refusing entanglement you keep you feet steady and prepared to go forward.

We live in a burdensome world of sin. I think that the reason Jesus wants us to run before every moment in the light of his redemptive work is this: if we stand still or meander back hording our burdens as our own or allowing our feet to stay entangled we not only become non-productive in the work of Christ, but we stand the chance of becoming consumed the longer we stand still. Any message beside the one that is from the Lord telling us to lay them aside, is a message of deception and it will allow those burdens to grow and those tangles to spread.
I personally don't want to waste any time in my life when I could be RUNNING BEFORE.....
FREE with a story in my pocket but not a pebble on my back.

(this is my last post for real now as my computer goes out tomorrow morning. feel free to comment, i will take the moderators off so you can leave them and I will try to check in from my neighbors till the computer comes back)

This Has Been Hard

Fortunately my computer is not out the door just yet.

It is with great sadness that I have to say that SFE is having to be a private site. Because of the meddlesome actions of three people in my immediate area who decided to call my mother and leave a message on her machine that I talked about my bio-dad on the blog. She is very upset. My parents did not support me re-connecting with my bio-dad in any way. They told me I was dishonoring them to do so. It was VERY hard for me. One of the hardest things I've ever done because I was and still am sure the Lord wanted me to continue anyway. I was never regretful of that decision especially because of getting the chance to talk to him about the Lord and let Him know I forgave him. Though talking of these things, he was able to forgive his own father. Little did either of us know he was about to die. I never brought my children into any of it, it was something I did on my own. I will never regret it. He lived across the country so I did not fear of it effecting my life here.
Somehow, three people who know my family felt it their duty to call my mother and inform her or "give her the heads-up" that I had talked of this. Unfortunately she did not read the whole post to see that I was honoring my dad Mark by sharing this story. She just was upset that I talked about it.
It is a struggle to be honest and real and sensitive at the same time when blogging. I see no shame in the fact that my story is what it is. If anything..I see the hand of God. I cannot tell you the immense pain this has caused me. I have been crying all of an hour. I have shut the blog down and invited only a few who I feel I can trust to read.
I thought the story I wanted to share of my dad's great sacrificial love to take me and that giving me the burden to do the same was well worth sharing. It is so hard for me to have to change what was good because some people decided to take my heart sharing and put it to distressing use. I am in shock.
I don't see how anyone can think that calling a woman and leaving a message on her answering machine that her daughter blogged that she had a bio-dad was helpful. If they had been with me a while they would have known that I've mentioned it before. No calls that time I guess. I knew what I wrote was something my mother could read. However, if she had not been so rudely alerted, she may have read the whole thing and seen where I was going with it. Anyone who truly knew my mother and her decisions to not talk about the fact that Mark was not my blood father, would have known better. You don't call a widow and do such things...let along LEAVE IT ON HER MACHINE! (i'm sorry, I 'm so upset) Little do they know that two other people do the same and she has to come home to three such "heads-up" messages. It's unbelievable.
My mother and I differ greatly on the story of my life. She believes I dishonor my dad by saying he was not my blood father. I see more greatness in the story as it truly is. I have always been grateful that God saved me from a bad situation many years ago. This is my story as it is, I cannot help that it's a fact and I'm not ashamed of it. I'm not very good at saying things other than what they are.
Being in a church where your parents go is sometimes very hard. Many Sunday's the only thing people say to me is "How is your mom?". I become the go-between and it was that way when my dad was alive. "I can't get a hold of your mom, is she okay? I left a message." I swallow it over and over again and try to be patient. On the flip side is this, someone treating me like a 12 year old in a home that I'm not in anymore instead of the 32 year old woman that I am with a life story. Instead of calling me, they have called my mother. It's patronizing. I DID NOT, nor would I have EVER say anything disrespectful of my mom and dad. If anything, I let it be known that my bio-dad was not a good man.
I have never been this honest on the blog before, and perhaps I feel I can be so now. My mother and I see things very differently when it comes to the story of my life. She was even hurt when I told her that I informed Princess that I had a bio-dad just a few months ago. Princess is 11 now, I felt she should know. My mom kept secrets from me till I was 19 years old. I did not want to live my life that way because I saw that in Christ, there was no shame, only the amazing redemptive story of his goodness. I forever have the haunting false guilt that I should not talk about this, or I should pretend it's not what it is.
We cannot pretend that things are not what they are. We can deal with them graciously, as much as possible. We cannot however cover up and hide because of past mistakes, the goodness and the greatness of the working of the will of God in our lives. That story needs to be shouted over and over and over and over. That is what I believe to be true. That is what I wanted my blog to be. Imperfection made into beautiful redemption, and the story and stories of my life. I will no longer be able to spread that as freely as I would have liked.
I ask myself, how do I shoot for eternity in this? I will have to pray for many days to get over some great hurt and anger, and now I have a very big rift between my mom and I. She has never wanted me to talk about her past to anyone. I think I had started to forget that again because I get to caught up in what God has done through it. There are times when you have to pray God will help you honor your parents even though you do not agree with them. I am truly trying on this one. I shoot for eternity by telling what God has done through the good, the bad, the ugly. I forgive people and do not hold it against them, even when it's hard. I pray lots. I take great care to show my children Christs love despite hurt.
My story is what it is. I wish I could have just been free to say what it was.
I appreciate your prayers. I'm very sorry to put you all through this extra step. I feel completely deflated. There is only so much sharing one can do in life. I definately have a great desire to share and so if it's to a shrunk set of trusted friends...so be it. I do always try hard to do it right and my husband feels that the way I said what I did was not wrong. So, I have to let it rest. I just need to get over all this crying. The point that I had a bio-dad was important to understanding the whole story of my growing burden for children without a home.
Thank you for still coming.
If you have me linked on your blog (and I thank you) you can feel free to let anyone know of the priviate setting. I am open to allowing invitations after I can filter them. Just email me happyhomebody@gmail.com

A Testimony and A Temporary Goodbye

My computer has to be sent to Dell to be fixed. The screen detached way too early. IF they give us a fuss, we are cashing in our insurance on it and getting something different. I'll let you know my evaluation of their helpfulness!:)

So, this is my last post for a while unless I can let my buddy/neighbor let me blog over at her house a little.

Have to share in brief what God is doing in our lives. It gives more meaning to the poem below but is not related to the situation I alluded to through the public school. That won't ever be detailed here to protect the privacy of some. This is so related to my heart right now in that poem. Thank you for your kind words regarding it. IT is my dream to send them all to a Christian publisher someday. I need to learn how to get a copyright on my blog too, does anyone know how to do that? Do you know, when it's the right poem I cry when I read it myself. Not because I think it's good, but because I hear my deepest heart and it's like that piece has been taken out and written down forever. That is why I love poetry.

The story:
About a year and eight months ago my dad died at 54. Most of you know that. What you may not know is that my dad was not my bio-dad. I was born to man who had many issues but the main one was alcohol. My mom became a Christian and married Mark when I was five. They had grown up together from kindergarten. Mark took me in and loved my brother and I as His own. He never had his own children. (on a side note, I re-connected with my bio-dad over the phone and through mail about four years ago. He came to the Lord but was a very young christian with lots of life baggage. I thanked God for the chance to talk to him. It was good for us both. IT turned out that he contracted Lue Garricks disease the year my dad was diagnosed with stomach cancer. He died very quickly in June of '06 and my dad Mark died in May of '07. God has never been so near to me as he was that year of events. He became my heavenly Father in a new way. They were both the same age, born in '52. )
When he died I was overwhelmed with many different emotions. One of them was the bottled up reflections of the effect of him taking me in. I was given a deep and real burden for adoption. I wanted to do what my dad had done for me. In honor of him. I shared my burden with Rick. He did not share it. I think I've blogged about this before...can't remember.
I don't believe it is God's will to do something when he has not laid it on both hearts. I also did not believe it was right to convince my husband of anything or to make him feel the burden I felt. I knew God had a reason and I decided the burden must be for some other use. Over a year went by. I never brought it up once.
A few months ago Family Life had a few programs where they were encouraging Christian families to show Christ's love through adoption. I was totally in agreement. I had all ready been in the public schools with my kids and my heart for unsaved children was growing very full. I loved meeting the kids at school and giving them smiles when I was in the classroom or just dropping off and picking up my own kids. Many kids now days are eager for just a kind word and a smile. It gave me such great joy! There were some I saw who I knew needed more at home and wished I could help a child myself. What a perfect way to advance the kingdom, I thought. We had a neighbor boy with a tough situation in his home come over a great deal and his mom told me it was hard because he would come over to our house and come home and ask her why his dad can't play with him like Rick does with the kids, or why he can't have siblings, or why he can't have a real family. It reminded me again how I wanted ot help. Well, then I remembered Rick's feelings and realized again that this was not for us but that maybe God wanted me to be involved in coordinating such a ministry in our church or something many years down the road. Or just keep reaching out to the kids at school or the neighborhood when I could. I forgot about it again.
Then... this past December I heard an advertisement on Christian radio that was encouraging Christian parents to consider foster care. I was beginning to wonder why God was nagging my heart if it was not a direction that was open to me.
I decided to email the local foster care department and just ask for information. I wondered if there was some way I could help. I just told Rick I had sent off for info for that reason and when we started to talk he was a totally different person. He really felt that we should look into helping a child ourselves and have the optimum goal of adoption if the Lord led us to. I was shocked but tried not to show it. I wondered who he was and what someone had done with my husband. He asked if we could pray about it right then and there. I said....sure! About an hour later we got an email that said that the beginning meeting, the one you need to go to to get started was that night locally. Amazing, we both thought. We called Trish last minute and she was kindly able to take our kids that evening during the meeting.
We both were amazed by the information and the testimony of grown teens who came to share with us their foster experience. I won't get into the details of the meeting, but it was very good that we went.
We are now in the process of registering for the classes you need to go through to be licensed. It is a 3-4 month process.
We don't really know what God has for us. We don't really know where it will lead. Now that the kids are in school, I was really hesitant to even think of starting with little ones again, but he seems to be changing my heart. Like I said, who knows. We are just willing to be there if He needs us. It could play out in so many ways. We appreciate prayers for wisdom. A lot of people have fears with using the state systems, or county. I have learned that if God leads, I do not need to be afraid. He will not burden my heart to serve and then punish me for doing what he told me to do. Rick and I are limited in our monetary resources for these things so the foster system is best for us because what we do have is time and love. We would need their help with the other part. That is why we are going that route.
And, like I said, we just don't know beyond the next step. It could just end up with a huge road block and we find a purpose along the way for what we went though to prepare. You never know.
The poem though had to do with the fact that I've learned not to say I won't do something. These are things I have said before (at different times):
I will never have my kids in public school.
I will never homeschool.
I could never adopt or take in a foster child, it would be to scary.
I would never move to (the city I live in now:).
I will never let my children read Disney books. (ha, ha, this one makes me laugh now. i was kinda a snobby literature lover)
There are other things I've said that God has not led me actually to do yet like:
I could never give birth overseas.
I could never move out of state.

I really need to learn this lesson of being open and ready. God has to have a good sense of humor is all I can say.

Unclenching My Spiritual Fists

Where will God lead you? Where will he send?
Will you be willing or will you defend-
The way that things are as you think they should be,
Will you be willing? Will you be free?
Should he stir you to move in a place on you own,
Or call you to stretch in a way you've not grown,
Is there something you've said you won't ever do,
If he asks, will you joyfully do that thing too?
What are you keeping? What do you hoard?
What is it you think you cannot afford?
To loose it, to give it- where do you stress?
What should you hand over, or maybe confess?
Have you looked out at water you say you can't walk?
Are you willing to take back and swallow your talk?
That stated "I'll never", "I couldn't"- "not me",
Will you do it for Him who can make you free?
Free just to trust and gladly be led-
Free just to be in His hand and be fed-
Free to delight in HIS perfect plan-
Free to shrink smaller the opinion of man-
Free to stretch out and see where it leads,-
Free to adventure and plant many seeds-
Free to find out what faith can procure,
When you thought you're plans were ever so sure.


Written just now. Why?
Because I came home from picking up the kids from school with an amazing swelling in my heart. Something so huge was revealed to me as to one of the many, many reasons I was called into the public schools. I cannot tell you the details. Just praise God for me and pray for more grace to give out and wisdom in the future. I think of Louie Giglio's words in his DVD "Indescribable" "He does not think like us, He does not have a brain like ours. He is working on a canvas bigger than we can ever think or imagine!" I saw the hand of God today and it told me "for such a time as this, you are here". I have had other great confirmations in the past few months. This was a big one. I was honored to be there for my Jesus at the moment I was. I am blessed. I want to bless more. I want to give like I have nothing to loose. I want to live like I'm not afraid. Those are some restated lines in one of the Chris Tomlin's song "The way I was made" I think it's called.
I was so scared to take this adventure. Now I wonder what He has next for me. The poem is written to myself. I want to let go of my small thinking and let Him fill it with His great plan. I want to learn to stop saying "I will never do...." or anything like it.
I think instead I should ask more and more "What cha got for me today God!? I'm willing."
Other conclusion from today:
People are God's treasure. He is intent on their journey. He is moving and working. Sometimes there is pain. There is also great joy in it when His hand is there too. He longs to bring those he can to the aid of those in need. People are his eternal mission. They should be mine too. Always.

The New Year's Commit-It List

btw-my keyboard seems to not want to type the letter "i" unless I work hard at it. So, if you catch it missing, you will know why. It's bugging me to fix it each time.

As I mentioned before, I wanted to do goals different this year. I wanted to commit to the Lord some things he has laid on my heart to shoot for.

1. Lord, I commit to you a desire to know your word better. Both in context and content. I long to really feast on truth this year.

2. Lord, I feel a great burden to grow as a wife. I have been married for nearly 12 years and have been so distracted with a decade of babies and toddler years. I love the new season of life I'm in now and want to put Rick first and get to know him better this year. I commit this desire to you and ask you to give me focus and practical wisdom how to do this. I also ask that you would grow my heart toward him and let the things that distract me fall away.

3. Lord, I commit to you a desire to disciple my children through this next year. Practically in the ways that they are developing their godly world views. I long to be deliberate in planing some of the ways to do this and more so being open to seizing the moments as they come. This desire is related to #1 because I am sure that knowing your word more will fuel my ability to lead them in your truth.

4. Lord, I have a joyful mission to make this home a haven this year. Not by spending money but using the resources you give me creatively. I desire to be diligent in the hours you give me and not waste them but use them to clear the board for family moments when everyone is home. I commit this desire to you and ask that you give me the strength to persevere.

5. Lord, I commit my health to you. To do my part to make wise decisions in that regard but to also not become consumed with wrong motivations and the idol that health can be in our culture. Help me remember that anything I do to be more healthy is for one purpose alone: to glorify you by being better equip to bless those you need me to serve, and to maintain a balanced cheerful mood that is so effected by the every day health decisions I make.

6. Lord, I commit to you my desire to stop reading into other's motives and thoughts. I see this as a hindering sin in my life. Help me do what it says in Colosians and mind my own business. Help me be a friend when I need to be and leave the rest to you of what people may or may not think of me. I desire to be absolutely obsessed with your perceptions of me alone. Thank you that you are faithful to me in this regard.

7. Lord I commit to you a desire to become more resourceful and a good steward of that which you have given. To work well with money in our budget, and learn to make or grow what I can. May I not try to take on more than you would have for me but find balance in what to do or not do.

8. Lord I commit to you a desire to continue to share the gospel with the many unbelievers there now are in my everyday life. Allow me to just speak what you would have me, to just be bold, and above all, to love people you are seeking to save.

Thank you for the prospect of a year to grow in you, but help me not to hold onto even that more than I do to you. Thank you that your work on the cross shadows over all I hope to do this year. Let me remember "it is finished" and let it thunder threw my soul again and again with it's complete perfection and promise eternal.

The Power Of Perspective Part 1

I've been thinking a lot about this. You know how sometimes concepts gather in the bucket of your brain one little drop at a time? Well, this one has been dripping for months and I'm thinking' it's getting near the top and wanting to be poured out.

Perspective is such a powerful thing. Now, you may think I'm referring to the perspective of looking though the eyes of faith and having joy in circumstances of life and all that, but I'm not, although that is a great topic for any blog. No, I'm actually talking of physical and psychological perspective.
It's random...let me see if I can just get going and well see where I end up together.
Part One:

First I've been pondering on the great perspective of God.
Picture yourself standing in a field. Slowly, you lift up into the sky and see not only the field but the lands about you as they slowly form into lots and properties divided by fences or roads. Further on the borders smudge into patters of green and brown, maybe some lakes appear but it all starts to be sections of color hue instead of defined human dwellings. Even further (perhaps you feel like you're on a mental google earth trip:) and huge bodies of blue appear. The brown and greens gather into smaller masses that become visible as continents. Now weather patterns appear and smudge out major sections of the land. Further back the prominent colors of white and blue appear and the definitions of the earth's sphere grow smaller as you fade away. Now it is beginning to change shape as only the sunlit side of earth remains visible and the rest fades into darkness. Speeding up now you whisk past stars and moons until the earth is just a lit spot in the distance. You can guess the progression until you are staring at the massive Milky Way galaxy. God can go even further back than we can define. So, this is where I'll stop.

The more amazing part is this:

From that outer perspective you know the workings and makings of all matter. You saw it on the day it was born and know the very patterns and common sense (at least in your mind) of it's makings. Beautiful clock work. You know the names of all the stars and celestial gatherings and bodies. Now you focus your attention back to earth. You begin to zero back in.

The view is of course just a rewinded order of the view from when you left. But now, as you zero in, you see all the men of earth. Like grasshoppers covering the earth.
Is. 40:22
"It is He who sits above the circle of the earth,And its inhabitants are like grasshoppers,Who stretches out the heavens like a curtain And spreads them out like a tent to dwell in."

Further in you hover over a large city like Los Angeles. The bug analogy works so well as there is so much coming and going. Masses of humanity moving too and fro all wrapped up in their own business. Amid the buildings you see a concrete slab with skittering movement back and forth. It's a group of boys playing basket ball. Your eyes meet one. We come closer and know the exact number of hairs on his head. (Matt 10:30). You hear his thoughts and are aware of the very functions of his brain. Every synaptic moment you oversee. You see inside the core of his being and know the very workings of his inner organs. Every time his heart pumps you hear the sound. You know where he is healthy and where his body weakens. You see when his blood count drops and when outside threats make their way in. You know exactly what he had for lunch and how his body is breaking it down and using it for energy. More than this, you know his every thought and motivation. You have heard every one and taken note of it. In fact you were there when he was born and greater still, when he was conceived. You knew in that moment exactly what characteristics he would have in both personality and appearance. You heard his first thought before anyone knew he was having them, and even he does not know what they were. You know every path his life has taken and every one it will take from that moment on. You know what day his body will stop working. You are just as intimately involved with his death as you were his life beginning. You know all this and as you back out again from the scene, you know the same amazing and intimate detail of each one of those boys there. Even if man were to hear thoughts, he could hardly handle the scattering thoughts of ten men. Yet, you can hear each one and comprehend it, and furthermore you knew what it was going to be before they conceived it. Greater still your perspective becomes as you take in the details of humanity in the whole city. Thoughts, intent (Psalm 94:11) pulsing veins, good and bad health, pregnancy unknown still, cancer unseen, love attracting, anger dividing, deception and good deeds, trusting you and shunning you, believing and blinded, working and resting, eating and starving, joyful and anxious....you see it all. Not only this, but zooming out, you see all who walk upon the earth with such intimate detail. Each one you created with care and saw in the warmth of the womb. You alone heard the first beat of their heart. (Psalm 139:13) Man could never be so acquainted with himself, let alone another in this way and yet you are so intimate with all of humanity. So great is your love and care for man that you went to your greatest pain to save those who would let you save them.
You who are so acquainted and understanding of these "grasshoppers" along the surface of the earth, are just as acquainted with the working details of the universe. You do not have to move focus from one detail to another as man does and therefore not attend to all at once. No, not only can you know like no other through your perspective, you can know all instantaneously.
YET! Neither are you bound by the boundaries of time as man is! You can see all that is and attend to it in every detail in the same moment you see all that was from the dawn of time as it is known, till the end of it.

____________________________________________________________________
Because I am unlike God, my perspective is small. I make the habit of thinking His is too, even without realizing it. Just by existing in the way I do. Even my pondering and writing about
it, as I have, does not even comparable to the reality of the greatness of God. Still, I want to stretch my brain constantly out of it's "grasshopper" mentality to remember that my perspective is modest at it's greatest moment.
More on this later. Part two is my thoughts on the complexity of man's perspectives.
In conclusion:

If we could understand remotely the hand we fall into when we submit to the sovereignty of God's perspective, we would ache for the joy of doing it again, and again.

Blogging Makeover Inside and Out

I've been blogging for many years now. I have noticed how complicated blogging can become though lately. I want to take on things but then come to that point where it's just better to simplify. I've also got some new outlooks on blogging after some disgust with myself, some life lessons on my heart from God, and some observations on the trends in blogging.
So, on the outside, the blog just got simple again. I put the blogs that I actually do still go to from time to time, though even my blog reading time has shortened a great deal.
On the inside, I have a new outlook on blogging. I want my freedom back so I'm scrapping the blog themes except for the Saturday one that I'll get to when I have a relevant report. I'm also resolving to tell life how it is from my perspective, things I'm learning, or things we are doing and let go of this great trend of blogging to convince people who come by of anything. I'm a very passionate person for the the things I believe, and when the Lord moves me in a certain direction I take it on fully and tend to want everyone to follow. I'm learning to take some steps back and realize that He is working on me and my family and the rest is not my job. I have had a hard time the last few months sharing what we have been going through in life but trying to keep the delicate balance between sharing and blaring. I think there is a lot of blaring going on in blog land and I'm starting to tire of it myself. It has made me see it in myself and I want to wash up before moving on. I was getting so fed up with it for a few weeks I even considered stopping blogging all together. I was so annoyed with how opinionated people were and then realized that I'm easily perceived as opinionated myself. The only way to avoid the soap box is to share but not preach. So, that's just going to be the new trend here at SFE. Thanks for bearing with me as I try too often to start some revolutions. I will still be passionate about what God is showing me, and what we are up to, and I think I should be, it's our calling, but I'll be use more "me" and less "we". This may be the only regard when it should be "all about me" instead of "all about we". Does that make sense? If I lost you, I'm' sorry.
I'm so tired tonight! I had other thoughts on this regard but I'll have to try again another time.

The Real Mr. Incredible Was No Einstein

Rick was reading bible stories to the kids last night from an old vintage story book that my dad use to read to me when I was little. I usually would take this time to have a moment to myself in the evening after homeschooling all day. Now I'm sitting with them and just started a crochet project to do during our family time. It's so nice to have had my sanity through part of the day to have the energy for family, I'm loving it.
Anyway, Rick was reading many stories but one of them was of Samson. I guess I really just don't think about the story that much but really, have you ever thought about that story? It really seems like a fable in many ways. I can even swallow the Jonah (ha, ha) story better than this one. Don't get me wrong, I believe it's true for one reason, I BELIEVE the Bible to be 100% truth. Those thing that seem impossible are tiddly winks to what God is capable of. Just for fun though lets review the real Mr. Incredible for a moment.

-He captured 300 foxes:

Really, how DOES one do that? It's not like you have 300 fox cages on hand and holding 300 foxes at a time is well...ha, impossible! Further more, how is it that there were 300 foxes available for him to capture!? As if this were not bizarre enough, consider that he tied their tales together. Can you imagine how you tie 300 fox tails together without them running off? After all that, the poor things had their tails lit on fire to run through the field. Poor little varmints! Why didn't he just SET the field on fire? Who knows.

-He killed 1000 men with a jawbone of a donkey:

Okay, so you've hear it a hundred times if you are a kid who grew up with these stories. Stop though..... a thousand men!? When was the last time you were in a room with a thousand men? How is it that they collectively could not overpower him? I mean, it's not like he even had a gun or a bow and arrow which would make them want to step back and hide. He just was swinging a mean thing. He must have been absolutely incredible to not just stun, not just frighten away, but to KILL all of those thousand men with a large bone in his hand.

-He pulled out the gates of the city and ran 20 miles with them.

Have you ever seen the defending gates of old cities? This is not your garden gate variety. These are heavy and strong. Getting them out would be amazing alone, but he didn't stop there and just throw them on the ground, nope. He lifted them and carried them off. Not only so, he carried them for 20 miles! Think of a place that is 20 miles from you. I don't think I'd want to carry my groceries 20 miles, let alone city gates. This is crazy power!

-He killed a lion with his bare hands. Well, nuff said on that one.

However, Samson was seemingly dense. What God gave him to be strong in, he was amazingly strong in a most superhuman sense. The enemy knew his weakness though, and he used it to full advantage. Of course we know all these things were in the plan of God but still, it's something to take note of and watch out for.

Not only is he dumb enough to fall into the influences of the women on the very side that God is not pleased with, the Philistines, he is as gullible as a child with her.

She tries to get his secret of strength, he lies. She yells "Samson, the Philistines are upon you!" and he wakes with a start to defeat them. If this happened once, any smart man would get that this woman was up to betraying him. Nope, not Samson, he let's this happen three times and worse than that...he gives the truth in end! Did he not have an idea that this might happen to him?! Did he not get that "if I do this, then she does that, then I get attacked" was becoming a pattern? Though there is great sadness in what happened to Samson, one feels for a moment that he "duh!", should have got a clue.

Then I think about myself. How often I let the world get me and look back and say "duh!" to myself. How often I get swept into temporal thrills and forget my eternal goals. How quick I exchange the power of the Spirit of God for the tiny things I want here and now. Our pastor has been preaching on the Holy Spirit and I've been excited to understand him for the first time in my life. It has changed the way I pray. In the morning I pray for myself and all of my family one by one and by name:

"Lord, may the Holy Spirit do work in (my, or the other person's name)'s life today. May he have victory today over (my, or other)'s sinful human nature and work in their (or my) life and heart to the glory of God the Father."

Why this prayer?

Because I tend to get wrapped up too quickly in the part I play, or think I play in the work of God, and I forget that the bible tells me that anything I do is in reality the work of the Holy Spirit of God himself at work in me. I also then forget that I need to be instep with that Holy Spirit as he works to move in my life, and obey his promptings on the temporal vs. eternal issues that come up. They can be so small. With Samson, he thought he was just having a conversation with his girlfriend and yet, the course of events that followed were huge.

Conclusion:

The power of the Holy Spirit wants to work in my heart, mind and soul for the glory of God. In big amazing challenges, he can overcome. In little seemingly mundane decisions, he wants to use his power and strength to bring about the glory of God too. I need to be alert to stay in step. I am certain that if I did this more, I could avoid some painful humbling events in my life. And since doing this itself is not a work of mine either, I can pray that the Holy Spirit would tune my ear to his voice, for I certainly am born not to hear at all.

Note: Incase you did not notice, I'm not doing blog themes lately. I have not had that much time to blog.

Such A Time For Spilling Salt

I'm coming by to check in a little and then check back out. Unfortunately I don't have time lately to even share lots of fun stuff and some thoughts about this week.

I've been all over the board emotionally this week. Pensive would be the big one about my country. Totally joyful in trusting God and excited that I'm SURE He is stirring us up to "such a time as this". I can almost feel the wind begin to blow harder. I'm excited about that as the wind started blowing in my own life over two years ago and the stirring of the Holy Spirit in my soul has changed me forever. I look forward to further stirring, further banishing of fear, and further passion to be salt in a culture that is in decay. I look forward to seeing this happen to many move believers as their lives are challenged. I look forward to seeing us not hide and wait for the coming of the Lord, but be engaged AMONG the pagans as it says in Peter. I've been encouraged reading first and second Peter. 2 Peter 2 is telling of the times. I was listening to Focus on The Family the day before election day as I painted the girls room. It was sobering and excellent. Here is the link. It was called "For Such a Time As This".

I've been thinking about the fact that world is building up to truly be hostile toward followers of Christ. Even here in our safe little America. A man has brought many people together of all races, age, income and everyone is excited about that and gathering in mobs to cheer it. There is only one group of people not welcome there in that great mass of "all accepting" individuals and that is us, those who believe the Word of God tells us right from wrong. Those of us who still cringe in our hearts to know this man supports an aborted infant should lay and die after surviving the failed attempt of the abortion process. We live in a world where we call things other than what they are in order to become more comfortable with them. Those who raise their heads and say "it's actually this" will be the unwelcome ones. I fear that that unwelcome spirit will be the birth place for an end time hostility toward Christ followers. I wonder what world my children will be in. I keep thinking "come quickly Lord Jesus" and then I read in 2 Peter that his wait is his own amazing patience that more should come to the truth and his love before he slams his fist down and says "that's it! Enough!". If he can be patient for those he still aches to draw to himself, then I can too and I will get out there to aid Him in reaching them. I have never been more confirmed that I AM to be in the Public School. I hope more Christians return to that mission field. I am excited to walk along this challenging path with my children as be face the culture, engage in it, and discern our way through it with the powerful Word of God. I have been thinking that much of this turn in our culture is a result of our lack, my lack, of passion to put salt in the rot of society. We have been guilty of keeping the salt in the shaker and the light under baskets. I have been guilty. No mater what arena God has us in, we need to bee reaching out and speaking truth like we have nothing to loose and all to gain. Each of us has this little sphere around us, this perimeter of sorts that we ARE capable of obeying God by shining and salting. Are we? I think what is happening in our culture is a sign that we are not. I think it is a sign that Christians are more crippled by fear than anything else, and more faithful in formulas than the power of God. I believe the Holy Spirit is preparing to awaken our souls in perhaps a painful way...by stripping away our false securities. That is when we see what we really hope in, where we are really headed, and what we are really supposed to be doing here. I say bring it on, we need it. I need it. If any verse has become mine from the Lord in the last year it is this: "For He has not given us a spirit of fear but of POWER, LOVE and a SOUND MIND." I have always had that memorized since childhood to where it began to loose meaning. I have began to understand what it really means and how it really changes my life. The opposite of these qualities of the spirit are FEAR, SELFISHNESS (all forms of self seeking including hiding in comfort zones), AND FRANTIC/ANXIOUS THINKING (worry, distrust of sovereignty , twisted belief of truth etc.).

On my mind also has been a lesson from the Lord to be careful to mind my own business unless I am sharing Him (as apposed to my opinion more so:). I am trying to turn this weeks emotions of wanting to change the world and what has happened to it, to focusing on what I need to do in my own family to just take care of my own. I have been both shocked, and disillusioned for moments at the fact that some christian people I know of, or grew up with, voted for a man who is so blatantly against the very teaching of the Word of God (let alone a bad political choice). That has really slowed down my step a few times. The Lord has reminded me to carry on with the joy and peace of my own walk with Him, and my own business..my family, my husband , my children. I guess it's been a reminder that all the rest (and even all of my own stuff) is in God's hands and not mine. Shocker...eh?:)

I have pondered the life span of this blog lately. What kind of world will it be to blog in? Where there be future concerns for blaring my beliefs across cyberspace? Will it someday put my family in harms way? Does anybody really want to hear it all anyway? I guess I've been tempted to disillusionment on that level as well. I think being too busy to blog has added to it. I think I'm in a burn out mode on the blog for many different reasons.

On the home front we gave my dad's old big oak desk to some friends. That was hard emotionally but good to size down. I was glad it went to my friend so I can visit it now and then. I have so many memories of him sitting at it doing bills. It's a moose though and we are trying to simplify. That along with working on the girls room has cause some moving of furniture and all kinds of stuff is everywhere. AH! So, that is the reason I'm coming and going again. This whole next week will be full of putting things right again. The kids also have four days off! So, that will be fun.

Today Lilo got an amazing award. I'll have pics later. She was chosen as the student of the quarter by her teacher. I made sure to keep it a surprise and since I was in her class today anyway, she did not wonder why I was there. I have a pic to share later. I'm so proud of her. She has been doing so well. They all have. I had my parent teacher meetings this week and all three kids are at the top of their class. Princess is making all A+'s! She does not know it yet, but her teacher told me today that SHE has been chosen the student of the quarter for her class and will be getting her award next Friday. So, I guess she can't read my blog this week:). Amazingly too, Lilo's reading level has jumped from end of second grade to fifth grade level! Oh, my goodness. All that girl needed was a confidence boost and some time in her own element out of the shadow of her sister and she has taken off. Superkid is writing small sentences and reading readers now. When I met with Princess teacher she told me how helpful and attentive Princess is and that it's kids like her that make her want to come in and teach the next day. That was a blessing from the Lord. I give Him the glory that hey are doing so well and blessing those around them. I was in second grade all day today except with lunch with Princess (I'm excited she WANTS to have lunch with me still) and it was, as always, fun to talk to the kids, help grade their papers and help them with ones they got wrong, and rip out pages so the teacher can have them ready to go later. I have so much joy is serving and connecting with the teachers and kids. Every time I'm there I'm impressed with how precious all those children are to the Lord and how much he wants to reach them. Tomorrow we go to a birthday party of a boy in Lilo's class. I don't know this family or the other mom's and families who will be there but this is what I'm talking about. This is something God is bringing into my perimeter, and I'm starting to keep my opportunity eyes open. I am thankful that I get the chance to be among more unsaved who need him, who need hope. The connection of school becomes a catalyst for other opportunities to turn that shaker upside down and start sprinkling the salt. It's done one opportunity at at time, and one person at a time, and I'm learning more and more that building the relationships is the most important because they are the foundation for ministry. Just like missionaries live for years and years AMONG the people to build those foundations with them a they slowly share the good news. It shows them you are not just selling a bill of goods, or trying to convince them of something you think is right, or wanting to check them off your door to door list. You are invested, you are engaged with a concern for their soul and the life they live here and now. How many there are who are AMONG the people of other countries, how few their are who are AMONG the lost of our own culture and times.

What are we afraid of?

I looked at those people cheering on Chicago's "front lawn" and I felt we had abandoned them to their deceptions. We have gone and built our homes away, put up our walls, and hoped for protection from the world until Christ comes. We hope to stay safe and keep safe what is "ours". We have failed do surrender and sacrifice with our faith in God for our "own" (which is not really our own, but His) and we have left them to themselves. I wonder if God is frustrated with us. What started out as a righteous movement to bring our children up right, has become a wall between us and those we are called to reach. If we are called to be home only, we should have a passion to bring them in. But I wonder if many of us are missing a calling to go out. I wonder if God may even use legislation in the future to get Christians back into the trenches of the culture they are so afraid of. The culture they are born in and called to engage. I hope it does not come to that but I wonder if God will use it since we are not going out on our own. I wonder if he will allow many challenges to us to force us to engage the culture. I wonder if he is saddened by our apathy for the decay and deception around us. Do we not realize that without the showing of light, they will not even know they are in utter darkness? Who will show them? Will we leave them to themselves, their road to hell, while we walk our padded road to heaven?

Will we go out to save those of the world and abandon our own countrymen?

So we think we go out unarmed, and our children too? Do we not belive in the armor of God? Do we think it's weak? Do we think our methods stronger?

Can we not raise our own children in truth AND reach out to the many who need Christ as well. Think about it. If we guard our won, and raise them to guard their own, as they guard their own...how many lost will be reached? Are we to breed a kingdom for God, or go out to the ends of the earth and our very streets for those who are to be in the kingdom of God? If we teach them to lead, as we lead however, how many more will be reached?

These are just my thoughts. They are certainly my own ramblings. They are my concerns and it is becuase of the level of this stirring passion within me, and my humbling realization that God works in and through all in different ways, that I have become focused on MY mission. There is work to do. I hope to work. There is a harvest to be gleaned, I hope to glean. I hope to work and glean along side my children and to pray they are impassioned with the mission as well.

It is not my job to convince but to obey my God and his calling for me, and to encouraged those around me to do what his word says and "go" in the way they are called. I do hope to share my heart here.

This quote by Amy at "Amy Writes" was phenomenal to me:

"We, as a Church, seem to have a "Keep God in Schools," but "Keep Christian Kids Out of them," mentality."

The same could be said about the culture in general. We are in this culture, called to THIS time, and not another.

BE ENGAGED.....BE READY.....BE IN THE WORLD AND NOT OF IT.......BE FEARLESS......BE PASSIONATE FOR TRUTH....

BE CHRIST, FOR SUCH A TIME AS THIS.

NO WAY! I just posted this link on my facebook status and this was the set of code words (usually random) given me to allow my link to be put up : "vigilant revival".
No, way...too weird....