Reality Blogging Day 2

This will be in bullet point form to save me time and feed my desire for random journaling!:)

• I admit it, I was dreading today because of all the housework from being sick three days. I tried to sleep in but when no one else does it's like a session of torture dozing.


• Coffee...blogging....ah, this is better and I am awake after all. Kids are watching cartoons and enjoying that one box of junk cereal they get a paycheck.


• My head is still clogged as can be and it's been five days now.


• I'm feeling like Jerry Lewis in "the Stooge" when Dean Martin tries to wake him up and he is having a hard time getting going. "here we go....here we go...here we go..." but it's so hard to get going.


• My kids seem to be endless pits on Saturday's for food. I think it's because they are home and taking it easy so they think more about food. They keep coming in and asking what they can eat. How will I ever make it through teen years on this budget? I actually bought my first flat of Ramen noodles which I don't believe in just to fill the cracks on days there is no good thing to give them.


• I get up and go into the kitchen. While feeling better yesterday I managed to grocery shop and make dinner. I did not manage to put away all the groceries and do all the dishes so there was hardly a void anywhere to set my cup of coffee down.


• I was randomly thinking about manners. I've never understood why we follow something as proper when it came from the mind of one human. Who gets to decide what it culturally appropriate or not? After all, they are different in different places. Yet, so many people become nearly religious about manners. I've somewhat failed my girls in pushing manners too much besides the obvious ones I would send rumors about town with. Really, who decides them? I decided I'm rather rebellious.


• Pondered the blog a lot again and was annoyed how much it was bothering me. Told myself to not over think like I do everything else. Wondered what was going on in the heads of others. I do that too much.


• Turned on Johnny Cash and dug into the kitchen. I feel some weird kindred to Johnny Cash. His struggle between conviction and humanity are something I feel in my own skin. Pondered that for a good log while while slicing that 4lb of lunch meat with the slicer I did get to borrow from the neighbor. I was scared to use the thing. I have a fear of blades and getting digits cut off. I think I was rather loudly announcing to my children to not come within three feet of me while I was using the thing. All of a sudden I remembered Johnny Cash's brother got fatally injured using a saw. Suddenly I wondered if I was listening to the wrong music for the job. Swallowed.


• Had the kids do some help with their rooms and the living room. Princess never fails to be so deadly hungry when it's time to work.


• Switched around some mattresses to prepare for the foster child bed to be put up in Superkids room. Gathered up all the things the girls needed to sort though in bags and baskets. Vacuumed their room while they played.


• Watched the lead up stuff to the Kentucky derby (I was born in Louisville) and remembered my girlhood love of horses....wow, they are so beautiful. Did housework in between. The kitchen was still a work in progress.


• Called my mom to check on her and was on the phone at least an hour. I was saddened by how much she has been put through lately. I ask God to give her relief. It's been such a hard two years. I wonder how she can take all the circumstances. I start to ponder how much I feel her age creeping up on her. I feel the weight of sorrow and burdens on her. I long for happier days for her.


• Ponder whether over thinking and intense analyzing of life is a side effect of grief. I don't remember thinking so hard about things or feeling so bold about what I think or feel before Dad died. I try to remember what it was like to not be so intense. Was it an innocence that is gone forever now? An ignorance is bliss kind of thing? I ask myself if I'm just now starting to grieve in my own way. Like some hyper sense is kicking in and it's driving me nuts.


• Consider how the internet brings people so close to each other. Facebook, blogs, twitter. Is it really a good thing we are all so connected? My mother use to say that too many women in one house is a bad thing. The trend of women blogging is so hype right now and I start to wonder if we've all put ourselves in a virtual dwelling. I start to wonder if I want to be just another shouting voice in a crowd or a calm and reflective poet in the corner of the room. I'm leaning toward the latter.


• Superkid and Lilo go out to play and come in soaking wet. What was that all about? Go to the bathroom and strip please and thank you for the puddles in the house. Don't run the faucet outside as long as you please thank you. Do you know daddy pays money for that water?


• Daddy... I miss Rick a lot today. Can I just have a bunch of girlfriends as loving and easy to get along with as my husband? I love this man. What will I ever do if I loose him. I think of my mother again. How did that happen? Could I handle that? Where would I ever find such a kindred spirit again. I hope he gets home soon.


• He calls and says he's done and I tell him I need garbanzo beans and french bread. Oh and I've been craving a beer. Oh, sounds great he says. Nothing heavy I warn, I do have to go to TOPS on Monday and beer is usually on my no, no list.


• When thinking of something fast and easy for dinner since I still had half a kitchen to work on and was on my second load in the dishwasher, I remembered something. Years ago, my friend Donna and her husband invited Rick and I over for dinner. They had two young kids and we had none at that time. We got there and the dinner was iceberg bag salad w/ garbanzo and kidney beans served with a French Bread loaf w/ butter. For dessert we had gram crackers with icing spread on top. This made a big impression on me. My mother hardly ever had people over but if we did it was a big dinner. I was surprised that this salad was all we were having. I knew they were on a tight budget though and was more and more deeply amazed at their generosity to have us over even though things were tight and they did not have a meatloaf or roast to share. It made a permanent impression on me. I've always tried to remember that. I knew they wanted to be with us because we were friends and that was what made the occasion. So, I repeat that dinner now and then because it is a good memory for me. So, we are having gram crackers and icing for dessert. It's a good reason to use up the two half full containers of icing sitting around. I remind myself of my TOPS again and will be having one little piece.


• The girls go in their room after dinner and rock out to their loud Christian girlie music. The modular shakes. Their neighbor friend comes to see if they can play and they go outside to play basketball together. The evening is balmy and clear. The green leaves in the nectarine tree are vibrant and the birds sing the sunset into play.


• Oh, and there was a stray dog in the neighborhood today that the kids played with and begged to keep. I told them he would find his way home and they were sure he would not. I told them to go in and wash their hands with soap and water and not even talk about doggies to me again. I considered taking them up to the chew spot on the house left by Ebony. They would only say that this dog would never do that, he was too sweet.


• Rick and Superkid take a shower and their silly boyish banter rings through the house. A deep voice and a little boyish voice chatting back and forth. I feel so blessed to have a son.


• Emma put on shades at dinner (not sure where they came from) and made cool faces. They all got laughing and Rick had to bring them all back to focus again and again.


• I wonder if I'll ever get everything done, look at the clock which by now says nearly eight and realize the answer is no.


• I realize that this day is coming to an end. No matter what over thinking I've done, what was accomplished or left for later, what the kids gleaned from me or picked up from me, whether things are perfect or hard, whether we have a day of struggling or gliding by, God is purposeful and He is truth. Though I may be distracted by the tossing waves of humanity and it's drama, he is a rock..steady and firm, dependable and sure. All else seems to swirl around in unpredictable chaos but in the middle is the certainty of His wisdom. It is still and I long to be still and rest in it.

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Okay...THAT, Made Me Mad

I know it's Easter, and yes, I've had many deep thoughts today on many good things. I have also got a good head list of some bloggables this week so I don't mean to come here and be negative on a holiday but....

I was just at Walmart for some TP and laundry soap (very exciting shopping and especially great seeing how I returned some shorts and two tops to have the money to get them. that's kind of like counter active shopping for a woman don't you think? I was there with the kids and did not try the tops on. Am I the only one who can't get tops to fit right anymore? If they fit in the bust, they are tight in the belly. If they fit in the belly they are expectantly disappointed in the bust. I'm just not made properly I guess. No wonder rich people look so good..they have tailored clothing!)

Where was I...

Oh, yeah. I was in the check out and had a really really hard time with the latest National Enquirer. I know they should not be expected of much at all that's dignified, but this was beyond abominable. They had pictures of Patrick Swayze "wasting away" a they were calling it I think. It broke my heart.

If you have loved someone and seen their body waste away literally like that, in your own arms, loosing all faculties one by one in a slow and painful method of digression as it eats away at your instinct to love and help them, you would never....EVER post that anywhere.

What awful people to be so insensitive. This is not some affair had with so and so. This is not someone caught with their visible cellulite backside. This is a man facing the reality that he is going to die and trying to live life fully while he deals with that. This is aging in fast forward and feeling one by one things you could control fall out of your hands and into the hands of the almighty. This is the truest journey a man takes. It is his own journey. It is pain for those around him who love him as their very hearts are being ripped out and rung like a wet washcloth until their is nothing left to ring out and the well of emotions run dry completely.

This is not and never should be posted for interest of the buyer. It should never be blared like the newest gossip. That is as low as I've seen anyone go.

Shame on them.

I try to think about the fact that they simply don't know what they are doing.

It doesn't help much.

I think I will be sure to say a prayer for Patrick and that he would be encouraged and feel the love around him fuller than he ever has before.

Aprehension About Thanksgiving

I am distraught. I just wrote this whole long blog and was in blaring tears by the end of it and blogger lost it. I feel numb now. How do I pick it up and try again? I don't know if I can.

I grew up not celebrating things. Kids thought I was a JW. We had no Christmas tree and I had no birthday cake or presents. My parents in short grew up in families where presents where given but there were MAJOR issues when it came to actually being a loving family. I think these days put a bad taste in their mouth so they went as far the other way as possible with us. This was a mistake too but what do you do when you're a parent trying to do the best you can and still deal with your own baggage. They both had a lot of baggage. I'm absolutely certain I don't know the half of it all.
All I knew is that I could not understand why we didn't celebrate things the way other people got to. I would wake up on Christmas morning and lay in my bed wondering what wonderful family fun everyone was having. My dad would read the story from the bible over breakfast but that was it. Perhaps this is why I've developed an acute radar to legalism and tend to error on the side of having too much fun and sugar. :) I also grew up with no sugar and no white flour so don't get me started on my "finger gagging my mouth" attitude when people become so self-righteous about their purist ways either. Oh... better stay off that rabbit trail. The one birthday I do remember when I was five or six, my candle was on a plate. A plate. Melted to a plate. I blew a candle out on a plate. That was the last one I remember even having a candle. So, forgive me if I don't want to go down those trails again. I'm a passionate believer in moderation and even though we humans will fail at keeping it, I would rather keep striving for it than the alternative.
There was one day out of the whole year that was special. One. It was Thanksgiving. My mom would cook the big meal with it's southern flair (my family is from Indiana and Kentucky with roots in the south). Turkey, dumplings, cornbread stuffing, green beans with a spoon of bacon grease, 7-up salad, sometimes yams, a big green salad, and pumpkin pie. Oh, and that ridiculous can of cranberry sauce so lacking the originality the rest of the meal had. My mom would plop it out like jello onto a plate and then slice along the can impression lines. :*
It was a good day. My dad loved the food, my mom knew he loved the food and put her heart into it. The house would be clean and my dad would light the wood stove. There would be candles and music and warmth.

That day as I always knew it died when dad died. Last year I did all the cooking from scratch. It was my first time since we always went to mom and dad's for Thanksgiving. It was kinda "their holiday" since it was really the only one they ever did. When Rick and I were engaged we had our first Christmas in my bedroom with a little tree. I was not allowed to put it in the living room. Funny, because after Princess came, they started having a tree (they started with a few mini ones with lights around them and then worked their war up to the traditional one with ornaments and everything). I try not to think about it....more baggage. I'm sure I'm giving my kids their own baggage. As long as it's different baggage right?! :* Oh, dear. Anyway... I kept myself busy with cooking so I did not have time to think about the change. And it was at my house so it was very different. Thanksgiving as I had known it no longer existed and I seemed to be focused on a new version of it that was distracting enough to get through. I do remember just wanting to get it over with and hated that I felt that way about it. There was no alternative though. Probably the next morning one of the first things I said was "let's get the Christmas tree out!". I was anxious to move on. Christmas was "ours" and that was normal and comforting. It had not changed because dad had never been into it. This year my mom wants to have Thanksgiving back at her house. All of a sudden I'm panicked about it. I don't know if I want to sit around the table and feel the void. I'm proud of her though, because I know she does not want to even more than me and she is being brave to make a big step. Even that scares me. Will I have the energy to be strong for her? It means ignoring my own feelings to do so and I think I'm more scared of having to do that than giving into them. It takes more energy to push down pain to be there for someone else than it does to give into it and release sadness.

Scott will not be with us this year either. He is only coming home for Christmas. So there will be a double void and I just don't know if it will be too much.

Thanksgiving was dad. Mom was in the kitchen all day and dad was outside with us usually getting out the guns and doing dome target practice. When the grand kids came, it was them following him around the yard saying "Papa?" this and "Papa?" that. Pushing them on the swing out back in the tree, raking leaves, just being with him. He hardly ever stopped for life. This day he seemed to. What do you do when that's gone? I feel like the little girl on "The Grinch" only my heart is singing "where are you thanksgiving, why can't I find you? why have you gone away?"

Change is hard. Sometimes you cannot change something. You can only re-define it. It can never be what it once was, it has to become something new. You don't like the new. You hate it. You wish it would just go away completely but the world around you says it's still there so you try to work it out. You try to make it something new and special for the kids. You wish they could have had it the way you had it. You don't want them to have it this way.


I may dread it again this year. I may be glad with it's over. I may not be able to apologize for feeling that way. I may not be strong enough. I may not know what to do with myself. I may cry. I may try not to cry. I may be awkward the whole time seeing my mom try not to cry. I may make small talk. I may hate the small talk. I may walk outside and only hear the wind and wish I could hear the familiar scuffing of work boots coming up behind me with some new ingenious invention to entertain the kids on this once lovely day.

I know what I will do. I will be thankful for each one I love with me now. I will also pray for hearts akin to mine.

All I Can Say Is "Amen!" and Weep

9/27/08
Many of you know my dad died at the age of 54 on May 17th, 2007. His cancer came like a sharp turn around a very dark corner. It was scattered like pebbles throughout his whole abdomen and had taken over his stomach so that no food would go through. He in essence starved to death. He looked just like one of the pictures you see of the holocaust. I will never forget in the last few days helping my mom adjust his hips on his bed as he was unable to even come alert enough to look at us, let alone adjust himself. All I could feel was skeleton, it was so awful. He was in complete need of help. It was the darkest part of my life yet in a human sense. Everything I had every known to be a reality seemed to be turned upside down and entirely askew. My pain was still nothing like that of a parent who has lost a child I am sure, or a wife who has lost the love of her life (though it was for sure that for my mother), or the starving child walking in the dust of an African street. We Americans are truly numb to pain in a lot of ways. We won't even camp in many cases because of the discomfort of being away from our pampering daily comforts. Our kids won't eat (well, mine will because I don't give into this and I know many of you who won't either) eat their food because it's not what they would really like to eat. We want our home, and our picket fence and lovely dress for Sunday service. Mind you, all of these things are good gifts from God but they are not the treasure of our lives. "My heart and my flesh mail fail". To actually be in a place of seeing a persons flesh fail piece by piece, you see that verse forever differently.
Even what I went through with my dad taught me that God was not interested in my prosperity in the temporal sense. He was however, deeply invested in the prosperity of my soul. He took what the world would see as something dreadful, absolute loss, and turned it into a treasure in my soul that can not be touched by circumstance. With that behind me, this video brought me to absolute tears because it goes right to that place in my soul that I now understand. The place of absolute pain. Pain that feels like fear as C.S. Lewis so insightfully points out. The place where the world seems to completely freeze around you like one of those commercials where everything is suddenly still, only in this seen you are in the middle and you are falling on your knees in utter helplessness. You turn your face to the sky and scream at the top of your lungs "NOOOOOOO!!!!!!" You have nothing in that moment. No house, no savings account, no special outing this weekend to look forward to, no comfort of a friend, no candle you can light to pray and feel better.....nothing. Yet, you have Christ. You have the treasure of Him and the promise of His purchased gift to you, redemption. With that redemption is given to you the strongest power a man can know, the power of peace without understanding. The power that comes over you when all is humanly stripped away. The power of resting in the hands of a Living God and knowing with every fiber of your being, every pulse in your veins, every breath that you take in and out, that he is able to be trusted. That He holds you, and that He will indeed fulfill His ultimate glory and you have been lovingly purchased through great expense to himself, to reap the amazing reward of that of that ultimate glory.
This video is shockingly profound, it is not meant to tickle your ears. For me, I have found it to be so true that it reaches down and pulls back out that moment n my life when I was screaming out and the world had stopped. When I was there, God used the writings and insights of three men in particular to speak to my heart. Randy Alcorn, C.S. Lewis, and John Piper. Have you been there? That is a worthy testimony, that is the victory of your salvation, the glory of the gospel. That when your very heart and your flesh fail, the Lord is your treasure and HE IS ENOUGH!

John Piper is speaking:

Goings On

I just can't believe July is here. There always seems to be an endless summer till you start to see the end in sight. For us July means the end since we will be gone most of August, then the girls have summer camp, and the very next week school starts. So, I'm trying to stay focused on what those summer goals were.
One distraction has been the two six week old kittens we have taken on in a lapsing moment of sanity and a promise from Princess to not only take care of them, but to earn the money for their shots and fixing. They were starving to death when we took them. The lady was feeding them dog food. They still needed milk since their mom had abandoned them. So, we feed them formula and kitty food now. They have taken up residence in our garden tub since it's needing to be fixed anyway. It makes the perfect play pen for them. Pretty soon they will be able to jump out. Now we have to monitor the coming and going of the dog too as they don't get along yet and I think she could kill them without meaning too. They are the size of a fluffy rat, but of course much more adorable. I hope to have pictures soon. They are both grey tabbies and named Sterling and Shasta (brother and sister).
Rick and I are sanding and painting a loft bed for the girls room right now too. That was a big summer project besides finishing painting the house. Tricia had a hand me down wood bunk and we are changing it to an antique white to match their old furniture.
The kids started swim lessons last week. A first for all three of them. They did real well. That will be keeping us busy till our trip too since there are many more sessions ahead.
My mom took a bad fall a week and a half ago. Please pray for healing for her. She nearly broke a rib and her back. As it is, she tore cartilage from her rib and damaged her back pretty bad. The doctor says it will take three months for the injuries to heal. She is still working since her job is a sit down one. Sometimes I wish she could just have a break from tough stuff for a good long while. The night after she went to the doctor for xrays she had to drive all the way down to "over that grade" (for you locals) to check on my grandpa who had fallen at the Alzheimer's unit.
Lilo woke up crying this morning cause she had a dream about Papa. That hasn't happened for a long time for any of us. I use to have a lot of dreams. Some were nightmares, now they are usually pleasant but overwhelming when they come. It's been a while. July 12 would have been his birthday, he would have been 56.
The kids had their wellness checks last week. Princess came in 34% on weight and 50% on height. Dr. says we will have a lovely trim teen soon. It was scary for him to confirm signs of change coming. We are looking at about a year or year and a half. I told my mom I felt like asking if we could just opt out of that whole thing. I feel with the distraction of the other two being in toddler years up till about a year ago, that I jumped from tiny ones to a developing tween overnight. How did this happen so fast? I don't wanna!!! :)
Lilo is 75% height, 75% weight and as the Dr. stated a perfect even proportion. She will be taller and fuller like her daddy's gene pool would determine.
Then he got to Superkid. "Now", he says, "We have one off the charts." Well over 97% on height and 97% on weight. As he lay him out and checked his little self he was commenting on how we have an athlete here or a man who should be harnessed to a plow and let go in a field. I thought that was funny.

The Winds Of Change

I don't know why, I've been thinking about change lately. I've been flashing back and forward in my memory and the here to there is sometimes startling.

I remember when I was about 5 years old. My grandparents (dad's parents) lived in an old colonial home in Indiana. The property they were on even had an old slave quarters barn. The house had a major staircase going up to the rooms, but there was also a small winding one down to to the kitchen that would have been used by the slave girls. I loved that little staircase. I would sleep in the little room at the top (if it was a real room, I'm not sure, it was so small) and crawl quietly down those stairs early in the morning probably wrapped up in a blanket, to the smell of fresh pancakes made by my grandpa. No one was up yet except the two of us and he was very cheerful to slap some on my plate and smother it with butter and syrup. This was great for the kid who was not allowed to eat sugar normally.

******Today my grandpa is in an Alzheimer's unit close by after my dad moved his parents out to CA right before getting sick. He sang us "You Are My Sunshine" in such a sweet southern voice last time we were there. Where did the time go?



Next, my mind flashes to teen years. I am sitting in my dad's reloading room. Yes, he loved guns so much, he had his own reloading room. Here dad would make his own bullets. I remember helping pour the gunpowder into he machine that distributed it into the bullets, then it would press the metal down (I think he even melted that down from old bullets...can't remember) and you had a new shiny bullet. The brass casings were shined in a rock buffer machine. I would sit and talk to him and push the lever up and down to press the new powder filled brass casing up around the metal. The lever would finish with a bit of a snap and it was done. We talked about life, and politics, boys and Bill Clinton.
********The day came when I sat across the living room from him in the hospital bed now only able to say a few words and smile at me when he woke up which wasn't very often. I turned a corner and felt like I was in someone elses life. Where did the time go?

Then there was the little baby girl who would wake up in the morning and chat in her crib with her stuffed animals and we could hear her over the monitor. She would talk to Pooh bear and spank him if he disobeyed her. We could hear the little muffled pats. Poor Pooh:(! "Now you disobeyed and you have to get a spanking"....pat, pat, pat. She was about 18 months old.
*******Last night we sat on the bed and talked about behaving appropriately with a buddy who now has a crush on her. No more tickle fights, sitting too close, whispering in ears, and that pair of "shorts" that looks like a jean mini skirt is out the door. Where did the time go?

I was about to be a newly wed, and so excited. I went shopping at the good will for a couch (ugly brown and tan striped thing) a bed frame, and some end tables. I crammed them in my bedroom until we could get the apartment, Rick could move in, and we could put them there. Once we were married, and I was growing with honeymoon baby inside, I would get so bored cleaning because it took no time at all. I counted the rest of the hours till Rick got home.
*******Now I look around and am amazed at the life collected around me. All the things needed for a family of five that fill our 1500 square foot home. There is never an end to the pick up now, nor the laundry. And though I still sometimes count time till Rick gets home, most days I don't ever have enough time to keep up on life at all! Where did the time go? (and where they heck did all this stuff come from !!!!????)

It was thanksgiving 1995. I brought Rick home to meet my parents. We were friends. We sat up in the swing int he big oak tree on the back hill behind my parents house. He was talking. I looked over listening to him talk and was hit with an emotional brick. I was going to marry this man. That was that, I was home.
********Now, that swing sits on some cinder blocks in my yard, too old to swing and no where to hang it. Just a quiet respite under a baby oak, and a reminder of time long ago. Where did the time go?

That's when I pensively ponder. Some change in life is subtle, creeping up on you slowly yet from point a to point b, the difference is stunning. Other change takes you around a corner so suddenly that you think you are in a dream. Where did YOUR life go? Who stole it from you? When will they give it back? Some of the change is good, some of it is so hard to adjust to.
We were made to journey ever forward, without the option of going back whether the next thing is great, or it takes our breath away. Change is non-optional in life. The journey moves on and it has a goal and an end.
As I am about too embark on one of the biggest changes in my life, I seem to be reflecting this truth. This major change of putting the kids in school with re-define our lifestyle, our parenting issues, our schedule, our discussions. It's a huge corner but at least I see it coming and have time to think and pray.
So, I begin to think. What, for the christian, is the purpose of change. It really comes down to the fact that this life that I call "mine" is not mine at all. My life has one goal, a conforming to the image of Christ and the living out of my small purpose in the ultimate goal of His glory. Somehow, this big change is going to work His will to reach that purpose, not just for me, but for my husband, and for my kids.

2 Corinthians 3:18
But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as from the Lord, the Spirit.

Many times we all wish that life would just stay calm for a good long while. That we would stay on a roll, expect the next thing, be prepared for it, be organized, but life is not that way. Life is all a bunch of minute and massive changes. We can fight them, we can even grow bitter about them, or we can welcome them like brave travelers on a quest for one treasure....the glory of God through us! On that journey, EVERY change is a step in the RIGHT direction.

Psalm 91:4
He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart

Great Summer Music All On One CD

Those who know me know I love music. I have been very excited as a neighbor of mine has been convicted to come back to the Lord after many years. Their whole family has been, and it's an answer to many prayers. In her excitement, she went out and bought some music. She shared the album with me and I was amazed. I enjoyed Natalie Grant's last album but don't play it often because there are only a few songs on it that really get me. Not this one! "Relentless" is full of amazing music and lyrics. Way to go Natalie! It's honest, it's real, it's very God focused, I love it!
So, as I go out to paint my house today I'll be playin this nice and loud. I wanted to put some of the songs here to share with you so you can get a taste of the good stuff. The words are there too.
Enjoy!
"Perfect People"


"I Will Not Be Moved"


"Make It Matter"

"So Long"


Lastly this song has really spoken to me with the pain of loosing dad, and the many seemingly increasing pains the world seems to be experiencing. I don't now if it's that I'm getting older and am more aware of how deep sorrow is, or if thing are increasingly getting tough. Either way, this song speaks of our hope in Christ. I recently witnessed to my neighbor and he did not understand what I meant by hope. He said that either we believed we were saved and heaven was secure for us or it wasn't... why use the word hope? Do you have to keep praying to make these things come true? I explained to him that it is called hope because we have not seen the fulfillment of our promise from Christ. We do not hope that sin is abolished, that as Christ said "Is Finished" through His obedient death on the cross and His resurrection. "Our Hope" is what is set before us, the joy set before us. For that joy, the hope of that joy, we can indeed endure.
The song has a lot of Jesus imagery. I usually shy away from that (I'm not sure why, it's a little Baptist for me, and even from childhood I've never been comfortable with lot's of images of christ. I always seemed to know that we don't know what he looks like and I prefered the image on my heart better) but this was the only version of the song on youtube and I wanted to make it available for hearing. Someone has been touched by the song in how it relates to a loss in 9/11. So, that theme is used. When I heard it, I thought so much of my mother, and of our lives lately.
The opposite of our hope is a life that is defined by temporal unhappiness. Some may call it "unlucky". The tragedies of life are profoundly debilitating without the hope of the redeemer of history Himself.
"Behold, I make all things new!" Jesus

Why I Love Sunday's and How I Long To Keep Them

I've been working so hard today to tidy up before Sunday comes. It's something I have found very beneficial to our family to make the effort for. There is quite a bit of value in the old Hebrew law to not do anything on the Sabbath. I don't think many women would have been complaining that they didn't have to cook or do dishes. Really, they were probably the ones most benefited by the law. Now, I don't believe in keeping a Hebrew law of course, but many of the laws were based in some common sense wisdom. Our Sunday's our so much more peaceful and relaxing when we take the time to prep the day/night before.

I have always loved Sundays! Probably because my Saturdays were family work most of the day. My dad had us work very hard helping around the property. I remember some days we were locked out except if we had to use the bathroom and did not come in until dinner. Dad would bring us out a pb&j sandwich at lunch time and always had water bottles going. My mom was in the house doing housework. We dug trenches, brought rocks in from the garden, brought more rocks in from the garden again (gotta' love that CA soil!), pulled weeds, and all other manner of helping dad out. Usually there was a point in the afternoon when I was allowed to go and play but in many ways, I was like an only child since my brother was six years older and disabled. I had a playhouse, my one major consolation in life. There I would hang out, play house, talk to my cat, dress up my cat, read to my cat. I loved that cat!

Anyway, Saturdays were my least favorite day of the week. So, when Sunday's came I was thankful. My dad believed in no working on Sunday. I think he would putter around sometimes but he never made us work that I can remember. We would always go to church which meant some kind of socializing since I was homeschooled for a good long while and there were not many social options for teens back then. We went out to eat most of the time. As I got older it got cheaper, like Taco Bell all the time but it was a Sunday tradition. I remember spending most of the afternoons hanging out in my room, re-arranging or re-decorating it (yes, I've had that problem for a long time.....got it from my mom), and listening to music or NPR short stories on the radio.

Now that I'm a mom, I love preparing for a quiet Sunday. I don't make my kids do as much outside work on Saturday (since we have little outside to speak of anyway) but they do help clean up the house and especially their rooms. One of the most wonderful things to me when I can be organized enough to bring it about, is a good Sunday dinner that is ready in the oven or crockpot and a big salad to go with it. Perhaps some ice tea and a dessert with decaf to follow. Then, we always rest for a bit. The kids don't really do much quiet time during the week, so Sunday is the day they know they have to either lay down, or read quietly.

I also love Sunday now for our blessed church. The teaching is ALWAYS challenging and spurring, and the fellowship is always sweet. We are very blessed to have a wonderful church.

The rest of the day usually involves some outside playtime, some family time, and an earlier bed time to start the week off good.

I want to make it my goal more and more to guard the time we have on Sundays. Time to rest and worship the Lord. To stop and recognize His goodness and talk about life casually as we spend time together eating, resting and playing. God knew what He was doing when he made a special day, he knew we needed it.

A Bunch Of Exhausted Sun-soaked Campers

Hi Guys!
Good to be back...though you didn't know I was gone... I know.
We just got back from our Church camp out, and our first more than one night camping trip as a fam! It was fun, but we are all beat!
We are headed out to go to dinner and "Prince Caspian" by-way-of Mr. George W. Bush..... So Mr. President.... My husband thanks you, My daughters (especially Princess) thank you, my son thanks you, and I thank you!!

I will have pics to share in the next few days.

Also.....
Thank you for those of you who prayed for our family on Saturday, May 17. My sweet sister Joan, thank you. Your message was not heard till the next day, but it was so precious and encouraging. It was good to be out in God's creation to think of Dad, and heaven. Yet, he would have LOVED to be out there too, so that was a pensive thought. My church family prayed around the campfire for my mom and us and I was just so blessed that he was remembered.
Thank you for every little prayer to comfort.....for your loving thoughts.

(ps Joan.... I still don't think my email is getting to you. I saw you asked me about one... I am thinking of switching providers. Until then, I'll chat by way of your website okay!? Love ya!)

Become Comfortable With Death

That is one major thing I have learned over the past two years. I remember thinking just a few short years ago how strange it was that no one close to me had ever married or died. Well, not really a few short years ago, about seven or eight. Then, my best friend got married and my grandpa died. Now it had jumped from far off, to close. Then, Rick's sister lost her precious baby girl at 6 months or so gestation, our good friends lost their six year old son, and my dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer. Now death was my life.

At first this was very uncomfortable. Of course. It was stifling, suffocating and foreboding. Then, step by step the Lord took me on a journey into the depths of his wonderful plan for me and I began to grow. I began to absorb truth like a sponge and the reality of God's plans for his church, his bride, became my very hope and breath and is to this day. My salvation had a purpose instead of being just an end. It had a goal, eternity, heaven. In that goal I began to find joy right in the midst of painful death. I watched my dad wither away physically until there was so little left of him. I watched his smile and sparkling eyes fade. I watched him hold on to the truths he had known for so long. I talked to him a lot about ....death. I became friends with death. I became okay with it.

"For me to live is Christ and to die is gain" Jesus(sorry for the fopah ladies, I meant Paul! Jesus would concur however!:)

No longer were these words to me that I just knew rattling off in my head.....they were startling truth. No one in the world today would ever want to say that death is gain. Even many Christians are not willing to talk about it. I learned how death is gain. I learned how different that made me from the world, and I learned about joy. Joy was the untainted happiness in the middle of the worst seeming circumstances I could there to imagine. I had never walked down a darker road, and yet, never had I seen the light of hope shine brighter. That light has stayed with me ever since and I consider my dad's death a gift in that regard. He would be so glad to sit and hear what all the Lord has taught me because of his passing...he would say it was very, very good. He would say "Yes, that's true". I relish that thought.

I forgot about the preface in the HEAVEN book. I forgot to add that in my reading. It was all I read today and here was the highlighted thought for today. It's shaking:

"Ancient merchants often wrote the words memento mori - "think of death"- in large letters on the first page of their accounting books. Philip of Macedon, father of Alexander the Great, commissioned a servant to stand in his presence each day and say, "Philip, you will die." In contrast, France's Louis XIV decreed that the word death not be uttered in his presence. Most of us are more like Louis than Philip, denying death and avoiding the thought of it except when it's forced upon us. We live under the fear of death.

Jesus came to deliver us from the fear of death, "so that by his death he might destroy him who holds the power of death- that is the devil- and free those who all their lives were held in slavery by their fear of death" (Heb 2:14-15)

What delivers us from the fear of death? What takes away death's sting? Only a relationship with the person who died on our behalf, the one who has gone ahead to make a place for us to live with him. If we don't know Jesus, we will fear death and it's sting-- and we should."

(Randy Alcorn "HEAVEN" preface page xxi-xxi)

Don't forget the polls to the right!

The Roadblock of Grief

First of all I want to say that this blog post is a highly journal- like entry. This is a process I'm going through which is likely to be interpreted wrong or harshly. It's part of a process that can't be ignored or shoved down. It has to be walked through but it's not very pretty. It brings up thoughts and emotions that are not always right but have to be worked through in the light and truth of my faith in Christ, but it's not a smooth trail.
From reading the following you are very likely to draw certain conclusions about me. I take that risk in writing about today. I try not to worry about what I put on the blog because I want it to be real, but this one may require some grace from my friends to realize that it is a journey and not a final destination.

I hesitate to write much any more about my thoughts on loosing Dad. Why? Because I think that people around you don't understand how you can be processing something as if it just happened last week and yet, it has been nearly a year now. I wonder if the reader may say "enough all ready, you're just trying to make everyone feel sorry for you". I can honestly say, that is not my goal and I hold back a lot out of concern of the appearance of wanting to stir up pity. I don't' like the whole drama queen scene but running from it keeps me from expressing when I probably should. So today I'm letting go of the fear of that reaction (or perhaps just letting you know it's there and I'm working through it) and go on with what today was like.

I went to the ladies tea at my church. It was a lovely event as always. I took my two girls and my mom was able to go this time of which I was glad. The ladies who shared did a wonderful job and are both women I love to glean from. However, I was not expecting the theme at all and it threw me an emotional curve ball. The theme was "the provision of God" which sounded good but I did not really think it through at all. What it ended up being more so was a message through word and song of trusting God even when he brings us big hard things. Much of it from our main speaker was gleaned from our bible study book by Jerry Bridges "Trusting God Even When Life Hurts".

I don't know what has happened to me. I felt so selfish for my emotional reaction to today. I had to detach myself to get through the morning. That is not like me. Months ago, these topics were healing to my soul. All of a sudden I have lost enthusiasm for my study and the whole topic of trusting God through trials. It's not that I disagree with it either, I fully agree. I have found such deep life changing truth in this topic and it has ministered to our family greatly. All I can relate this to is that it is just like being served the same dish of food over and over and after a while you don't want to eat it anymore. I knew that if I let myself really feel the hymns today that I would loose it. I found myself resisting the message just out of exhaustion of hearing it in such great repetition over the past year. And yes, sometimes you go to that very selfish place where you don't want to eat a dish that is being served from someone who has never eaten it themselves and doesn't know how hard it is to chew, swallow, and digest. Perhaps I look down at the "plate" and just don't have the energy to take it on all over again. To bring it up in my heart and go through the whole process once more. Today, I couldn't do it, and my spirit refused. The result was complete exhaustion for holding it in and not wanting to relate or engage mentally.
I am frustrated for myself and the selfishness of this attitude. I know that the message was wonderful and one or many have been ministered to by the message today. So, I think of them and pray that the Lord would use it for their growth. I have to remember that (and this sounds so obvious but when your in it, it's harder than it sounds) it's not about me.
The roadblock seems to be that I cannot seem to apply these trial lessons to my everyday life. Trust me, I have tried. I have gone through this study and different messages from different people and tried to ask myself, how can I use this for God's glory in my every day life. Every time I try I am blocked by this huge roadblock of grief. I see my dad, and the issue is huge. I have gone through periods of being hard on myself for not being able to get around it. Today, it was there again. I feel I can't talk about it because everyone else moved on months ago. I understand for one moment, a smidget of what it must be like for my mom. I am coming to the realization that I need to give it time. This huge trial needs time to fade into the history of my life. Not that I forget, but just that it has to have time to heal still. I know this is true when I continually can't seem to get around it. I don't mean that I resist trusting God about it, I fully do and have for a long time. What I can't seem to ponder or grow in, is how do I trust God in my daily stuff. When people give talks I try to make my mind go there, but it seems to have wheels of it's own and it backs up and runs into that roadblock over and over and over. There is no visible way around, over, or through right now. Perhaps this is a sign that I need to give myself more time.
For me personally, I'm ready for a new topic. I don't want to keep going through this one. God obviously wants me to keep chewing on it right now but I am not wanting to. I long for a good message about how you put one foot in front of the other and move on in your life. I want to remember the promises of God and hear encouragement for the future. I'm tired of talking about trials. This is just me focused on myself right now. I know I need to pray through this and get on the other side of it. For today, I'm just needing to be real and talk about how it's there.
I long for something new on the menu of life, for a light dish that goes down well and gives lots of energy. It may not be what I get in life, but it's what I'm longing for right now. A breath of fresh air, a new leaf turned over, a beam of sunshine so bright that my eyes have to close from it's glare, a birds song that speaks to my soul. Yet, the storm still seems to rage around me even when I think it is passing, and it starts up again. I find myself longing to hide from it out of pure lack of strength to stand out in it again. There have been many days that I have said like Steven Curtis Chapman "Bring it on! Let the hard rain fall, let it make me strong!" Today I don't have it in me to say that.

Be merciful to me, God; be merciful to me
because I come to you for protection.
Let me hide under the shadow of your wings
until the trouble has passed.
Psalm 57:1

Perhaps sometimes we just want to hide and take respite from the battle to get through or around something that will never go away. Only in God's time will it dissipate so we can see again. I find myself thankful that he is so faithful to be the God who gives strength when he wants me to stand and fight, and the God who is strong and ready to in fold me in his wings so I can just hide. Oh, I am so thankful that he knows me, he sees and he cares. He knows how hard the dish of grief is to eat and swallow. I know he understands my emotions that overwhelm and make me push the plate away. He is patient. He does not always expect me to be a warrior.