Reality Blogging Day 2

This will be in bullet point form to save me time and feed my desire for random journaling!:)

• I admit it, I was dreading today because of all the housework from being sick three days. I tried to sleep in but when no one else does it's like a session of torture dozing.


• Coffee...blogging....ah, this is better and I am awake after all. Kids are watching cartoons and enjoying that one box of junk cereal they get a paycheck.


• My head is still clogged as can be and it's been five days now.


• I'm feeling like Jerry Lewis in "the Stooge" when Dean Martin tries to wake him up and he is having a hard time getting going. "here we go....here we go...here we go..." but it's so hard to get going.


• My kids seem to be endless pits on Saturday's for food. I think it's because they are home and taking it easy so they think more about food. They keep coming in and asking what they can eat. How will I ever make it through teen years on this budget? I actually bought my first flat of Ramen noodles which I don't believe in just to fill the cracks on days there is no good thing to give them.


• I get up and go into the kitchen. While feeling better yesterday I managed to grocery shop and make dinner. I did not manage to put away all the groceries and do all the dishes so there was hardly a void anywhere to set my cup of coffee down.


• I was randomly thinking about manners. I've never understood why we follow something as proper when it came from the mind of one human. Who gets to decide what it culturally appropriate or not? After all, they are different in different places. Yet, so many people become nearly religious about manners. I've somewhat failed my girls in pushing manners too much besides the obvious ones I would send rumors about town with. Really, who decides them? I decided I'm rather rebellious.


• Pondered the blog a lot again and was annoyed how much it was bothering me. Told myself to not over think like I do everything else. Wondered what was going on in the heads of others. I do that too much.


• Turned on Johnny Cash and dug into the kitchen. I feel some weird kindred to Johnny Cash. His struggle between conviction and humanity are something I feel in my own skin. Pondered that for a good log while while slicing that 4lb of lunch meat with the slicer I did get to borrow from the neighbor. I was scared to use the thing. I have a fear of blades and getting digits cut off. I think I was rather loudly announcing to my children to not come within three feet of me while I was using the thing. All of a sudden I remembered Johnny Cash's brother got fatally injured using a saw. Suddenly I wondered if I was listening to the wrong music for the job. Swallowed.


• Had the kids do some help with their rooms and the living room. Princess never fails to be so deadly hungry when it's time to work.


• Switched around some mattresses to prepare for the foster child bed to be put up in Superkids room. Gathered up all the things the girls needed to sort though in bags and baskets. Vacuumed their room while they played.


• Watched the lead up stuff to the Kentucky derby (I was born in Louisville) and remembered my girlhood love of horses....wow, they are so beautiful. Did housework in between. The kitchen was still a work in progress.


• Called my mom to check on her and was on the phone at least an hour. I was saddened by how much she has been put through lately. I ask God to give her relief. It's been such a hard two years. I wonder how she can take all the circumstances. I start to ponder how much I feel her age creeping up on her. I feel the weight of sorrow and burdens on her. I long for happier days for her.


• Ponder whether over thinking and intense analyzing of life is a side effect of grief. I don't remember thinking so hard about things or feeling so bold about what I think or feel before Dad died. I try to remember what it was like to not be so intense. Was it an innocence that is gone forever now? An ignorance is bliss kind of thing? I ask myself if I'm just now starting to grieve in my own way. Like some hyper sense is kicking in and it's driving me nuts.


• Consider how the internet brings people so close to each other. Facebook, blogs, twitter. Is it really a good thing we are all so connected? My mother use to say that too many women in one house is a bad thing. The trend of women blogging is so hype right now and I start to wonder if we've all put ourselves in a virtual dwelling. I start to wonder if I want to be just another shouting voice in a crowd or a calm and reflective poet in the corner of the room. I'm leaning toward the latter.


• Superkid and Lilo go out to play and come in soaking wet. What was that all about? Go to the bathroom and strip please and thank you for the puddles in the house. Don't run the faucet outside as long as you please thank you. Do you know daddy pays money for that water?


• Daddy... I miss Rick a lot today. Can I just have a bunch of girlfriends as loving and easy to get along with as my husband? I love this man. What will I ever do if I loose him. I think of my mother again. How did that happen? Could I handle that? Where would I ever find such a kindred spirit again. I hope he gets home soon.


• He calls and says he's done and I tell him I need garbanzo beans and french bread. Oh and I've been craving a beer. Oh, sounds great he says. Nothing heavy I warn, I do have to go to TOPS on Monday and beer is usually on my no, no list.


• When thinking of something fast and easy for dinner since I still had half a kitchen to work on and was on my second load in the dishwasher, I remembered something. Years ago, my friend Donna and her husband invited Rick and I over for dinner. They had two young kids and we had none at that time. We got there and the dinner was iceberg bag salad w/ garbanzo and kidney beans served with a French Bread loaf w/ butter. For dessert we had gram crackers with icing spread on top. This made a big impression on me. My mother hardly ever had people over but if we did it was a big dinner. I was surprised that this salad was all we were having. I knew they were on a tight budget though and was more and more deeply amazed at their generosity to have us over even though things were tight and they did not have a meatloaf or roast to share. It made a permanent impression on me. I've always tried to remember that. I knew they wanted to be with us because we were friends and that was what made the occasion. So, I repeat that dinner now and then because it is a good memory for me. So, we are having gram crackers and icing for dessert. It's a good reason to use up the two half full containers of icing sitting around. I remind myself of my TOPS again and will be having one little piece.


• The girls go in their room after dinner and rock out to their loud Christian girlie music. The modular shakes. Their neighbor friend comes to see if they can play and they go outside to play basketball together. The evening is balmy and clear. The green leaves in the nectarine tree are vibrant and the birds sing the sunset into play.


• Oh, and there was a stray dog in the neighborhood today that the kids played with and begged to keep. I told them he would find his way home and they were sure he would not. I told them to go in and wash their hands with soap and water and not even talk about doggies to me again. I considered taking them up to the chew spot on the house left by Ebony. They would only say that this dog would never do that, he was too sweet.


• Rick and Superkid take a shower and their silly boyish banter rings through the house. A deep voice and a little boyish voice chatting back and forth. I feel so blessed to have a son.


• Emma put on shades at dinner (not sure where they came from) and made cool faces. They all got laughing and Rick had to bring them all back to focus again and again.


• I wonder if I'll ever get everything done, look at the clock which by now says nearly eight and realize the answer is no.


• I realize that this day is coming to an end. No matter what over thinking I've done, what was accomplished or left for later, what the kids gleaned from me or picked up from me, whether things are perfect or hard, whether we have a day of struggling or gliding by, God is purposeful and He is truth. Though I may be distracted by the tossing waves of humanity and it's drama, he is a rock..steady and firm, dependable and sure. All else seems to swirl around in unpredictable chaos but in the middle is the certainty of His wisdom. It is still and I long to be still and rest in it.

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