It's Epiphany and My Tree Is Crying for Mercy!

So, tonight is the night.

I'm feeling like it took a long time to get here but I think that's because the kids went back to school and my house says it's still Christmas. When we homeschooled, we did not start school back up until after the sixth.

I'm sad because I still can't find my camera. That is why there are no Christmas pictures (besides, I was sick as a dog on Christmas anyway). Please pray we find it cause the Christmas money is spent!

Also, my Netflix of "The Fourth Wise Man" I told you about is late. Still, it's not too bad since we can't stay up late on a school night so we will be watching it this weekend.

Rick is off tomorrow so that makes this evening so nice. Plus, he gets to be my tote man tomorrow while we put Christmas away.

So, I came here to remind you it's a special night. Don't forget to read the account of the wise men. Daja said her family have always ordered Chinese food, that's a cute idea too. She said it was because the wise men came from the east:). Anytime you can add food to memories they make them that more special. We are having vegi lasagna, salad and ice cream because I didn't plan ahead enough for Chinese. Maybe we can do that the night we watch the movie. I need to come up with something, maybe Rick can do some research for me. Italian may be my favorite type of food but it's not exactly related to the wise men.

Our kids open one gift after the story to celebrate the bringing of the gifts. That ends the Christmas season, and I think if my tree could talk it would say "have mercy!".

Lord Help Me I'm Eating White Again

We are big whole wheat and sucunat people. I have not had the grocery budget for wheat berries and sucunat lately though. I feel the guilt each time I make the kids cookies with white sugar and flour.

Today was different, I felt a wave of peace about it. One big thing is moderation which we should have anyway. I know some people use just sucunat and say they don't eat sugar and I was thinking as I was making cookies.. um, yeah, you do. Sucunat is a sugar, but yes, it's healthier. If we really go good we would cook with black strap molasses because that is the healthiest form of sweetener you can use.

The fact is, we have to learn to be moderate people. That is what I want to learn to do. Nothing this side of heaven is a cure for anything. Many choices make our lives better by feeding our bodies what they need. Right now I just don't have the budget for it though. However, I do have the money for fresh fruits and veggies! That is what I choose to use it for instead anyway. On the treats I need to learn major restraint and using sucunat can actually give me an excuse to have more than I should. Knowing it is really not good for us, but a real treat, helps me moderate myself and children almost better.

I do hope to have it in the budget again later on. You go with what God gives you. You work with what ya got. You let the guilt go.. You show self-restraint. You exercise when you can. You consider everything a gift from God and you use it wisely.

I try to tell the kids that the fruits and veggies in heaven (and if you read Alcorn, you know we will be eating in heaven as the scripture says we will feast) will be as they were meant to be, so good you would not want sugar.

They look at me weird.

I know, broccoli as good as cookies...it's hard for me to.:)

This Just Came To Me

For some reason I was pondering free will. Am I the only one who just starts thinking about these things? Anyway..
I have been really enjoying the music of Chris Tomlin (as my playlist surely indicates) since being introduced to the Louie Giglio DVD messages . I was pondering the joy I have when God grants me a little growth in my understanding of how big he is, and how intimate at the same time. While pondering this it made me wonder why God did not just reveal himself to mankind. Whey does he use the written word, the bible, and the past revelations written down as well but spoken long ago by the prophets. In essence, why does he not just speak down audibly to mankind and say "HEY! I'm here! I made you and I do care for you!"
I mean really, would that not just make is so much easier? Then there would not be anyone doubting the existence of God or any of those sayings like "well, I'll believe it when I see it. "
I know what you may be thinking...cause my brain does the same thing. "Well, he did it this way to grow our faith in the unseen" or "It brought Him more glory by doing it this way". Or something else I'd love to hear if you want to share. Yet I then began to realize why God could not revel himself this way. I think it has to do with free will.
I started to imagine if the heavens opened up and God spoke to us and the result would be one thing..sheer terror. I think God knows there is something in us as his creation that would have no choice but to respond to him if he approached us directly. Even our thoughts on God as believers is proof of this. As Louie was talking about in one of his presentations, we go about our day and begin to forget about God and make Him small just by that alone. We make him small and make us big. (how wrong we are!) Imagine if we struggle to absorb his greatness as those who believe, how small or non-existent those who do not believe must see him!
At the cost of loosing himself in our eyes, the great breather of the heavens, keeps himself from us directly for the sake of our free will. Only by his revelation through the words inspired by him and written by men or inspired by him and spoken by men, or the birth and Death of Christ (which was in essence the closest we have ever gotten as humanity to God himself and yet he had to lower himself entirely to be revealed...interesting side note), have we heard from God. This along with the mystery of election and the work of the Holy Spirit working in our hearts is what draw us to Him.
If he opened the heavens and spoke to mankind, we would all fall on our knees and worship. We would have no choice. It would be the response of the created to the creator. He wants us to want him. Why? Because that brings him more joy and he exists (as Piper so keenly reiterates) to embellish his own happiness. Let us remember that this is not a selfish thing as it would be with men, but the very existence of who he is by nature and we only benefit by him seeking his own happiness because we are part of his happiness. Can you wrap your head around that? I love working on that one..it brings me such joy when it use to frustrate me until I started to understand.
Do any of us build a robotic husband programed to love us at every turn? No! Why? Because we want to be loved by the will of another, or loved by choice so to speak. By the decisions to want to rather than a programing to do so. To allow us to want Him reveals our realization of his greatness and partnered with the nurturing of the Holy Spirt is a harmony of loving glory.
Every man on the earth would acknowledge the greatness of God if he revealed himself directly. He knows we could not do otherwise. He prefers to win our hearts. Does that sound like a tyrannical God to you? And yet, he does not need it from us either but wants it. What a romantic! What an emotional side of Him. He is looking for depth from us, a seeking and desiring of him. He knows he could have each of us in an instant, devoted and obedient, and yet he restrains himself longing more for the few who hear his gentle voice.
Wow.

Yet, he also says that he will not restrain himself forever. Once he does though, it will be to late for those who have not chosen to hear him.
"at the name of Jesus EVERY KNEE WILL BOW, of those who are in heaven and on earth and under the earth," Phill 2:10

But to have heard and trusted in him, there will be no sweeter moment in our existence. The old things shall have passed away and behold, new things have come!
Can't wait.


So, now on to my other question of God. Remember that I have these with no doubt but complete trust...I just look forward to finding the answers to them!:)
If God is only full of righteousness, as He is, then how can he have created even the possibility of evil? Nothing exists outside of Him, so where did evil come from? Even if the devil is, as we know from the word, a former angel who wanted equality with God and therefore was cast out of heaven with his angels, where did evil itself get it's start so that it could be manifested this way?
It makes me think of Lewis and his allegorical use of the term "deep magic".
See, I know there is an answer, and I know that God knows I cannot handle it right now, but it's great fun to stretch my spiritual thoughts anyway. I think he delights when we do as long as we are not using them as empty human arguments against Him which is the greatest foolishness we come up with.
His thoughts are not our thoughts so I just have to wait for His explanation of some things.

Wowowow, The Sweetest Thing

My favorite present this year turned out to be the little tin mailbox my husband gave me. It does not look like this, it's a Mary Engelbreit one. The purpose of it was to send me love notes in. If the flag is up, I have mail and I can leave him notes in it too. I am really enjoying this and looking forward to it the rest of the year. I am definitely a person who does better writing things down that I would otherwise not say or know how to say. More than that, it's a way to focus on our relationship during the day when we are away. Much like reading scripture helps us focus on the Lord during our day. Oh, the power of the written word.

One thing that has been a keen observation for me has been my fostering of love thoughts for my husband. I can have them and then life and kids and messes start happening and I can literally feel them starting to fade away. No fault to him, just life crowding in, or even the temptation to grow bitter or blame about tiny things that frustrate me. I'm really wanting to nourish those love thoughts this year and keep them stirring, focused and surface dwelling most of the time. This little love note box is really helping with that so far. It's like a little mystery in the relationship again. I love it. It was so cute too because he said that he realized that he delivered mail to so many people but never any to his love. Awe, so sweet. I get my own personal mail man....and it's okay if my kids look like him!LOL

So, if you want a good valentine idea early...it's a great gift. Oh, and my kids wanted to leave me notes in it but I very sensitively asked them not to because it was just for me and daddy (actually Rick had to make it a hands off since we may spice life up more even by putting other things than mail in it to send messages and that is a question I don't want from my kids "what's this in your box for mommy?:*). I was however touched that they wanted to do this and I had thought years ago that it would be fun to make them for the kids to leave them encouragement and love too. So, I'm going to work on that for a Valentine gift for them. I also want them to learn to foster love for each other so I may encourage a once a week note to their siblings.

You can never go wrong writing the myriad of "I love you" thoughts in your heart.

The New Year's Commit-It List

btw-my keyboard seems to not want to type the letter "i" unless I work hard at it. So, if you catch it missing, you will know why. It's bugging me to fix it each time.

As I mentioned before, I wanted to do goals different this year. I wanted to commit to the Lord some things he has laid on my heart to shoot for.

1. Lord, I commit to you a desire to know your word better. Both in context and content. I long to really feast on truth this year.

2. Lord, I feel a great burden to grow as a wife. I have been married for nearly 12 years and have been so distracted with a decade of babies and toddler years. I love the new season of life I'm in now and want to put Rick first and get to know him better this year. I commit this desire to you and ask you to give me focus and practical wisdom how to do this. I also ask that you would grow my heart toward him and let the things that distract me fall away.

3. Lord, I commit to you a desire to disciple my children through this next year. Practically in the ways that they are developing their godly world views. I long to be deliberate in planing some of the ways to do this and more so being open to seizing the moments as they come. This desire is related to #1 because I am sure that knowing your word more will fuel my ability to lead them in your truth.

4. Lord, I have a joyful mission to make this home a haven this year. Not by spending money but using the resources you give me creatively. I desire to be diligent in the hours you give me and not waste them but use them to clear the board for family moments when everyone is home. I commit this desire to you and ask that you give me the strength to persevere.

5. Lord, I commit my health to you. To do my part to make wise decisions in that regard but to also not become consumed with wrong motivations and the idol that health can be in our culture. Help me remember that anything I do to be more healthy is for one purpose alone: to glorify you by being better equip to bless those you need me to serve, and to maintain a balanced cheerful mood that is so effected by the every day health decisions I make.

6. Lord, I commit to you my desire to stop reading into other's motives and thoughts. I see this as a hindering sin in my life. Help me do what it says in Colosians and mind my own business. Help me be a friend when I need to be and leave the rest to you of what people may or may not think of me. I desire to be absolutely obsessed with your perceptions of me alone. Thank you that you are faithful to me in this regard.

7. Lord I commit to you a desire to become more resourceful and a good steward of that which you have given. To work well with money in our budget, and learn to make or grow what I can. May I not try to take on more than you would have for me but find balance in what to do or not do.

8. Lord I commit to you a desire to continue to share the gospel with the many unbelievers there now are in my everyday life. Allow me to just speak what you would have me, to just be bold, and above all, to love people you are seeking to save.

Thank you for the prospect of a year to grow in you, but help me not to hold onto even that more than I do to you. Thank you that your work on the cross shadows over all I hope to do this year. Let me remember "it is finished" and let it thunder threw my soul again and again with it's complete perfection and promise eternal.