Intimate Goals From Proverbs 31 Part 2

I'm reviewing this this morning and ready to jot it down. For the first segment of this go here. Before I start I'm curious about something...

Someone mentioned in the last comments that most people read blogs in a google reader now days which does not give a place to post comment. Is that so? Are there readers of SFE who only read in a reader provider? I did not know this since I read blogs at the blog because I love the diversity of the blogs themselves and the pictures they share on their blog. I think I've ranted on this before that readers are like sterile hospital rooms where blogs are warm and inviting like a person's living room. But if you do read in a reader I want to make it easier for readers to share back because really, that is what keeps me bothering here so I would like to provide a link at the end of posts.

Proverbs Goals from Vs. 14:

(vs. 13 is great too, it's about choosing quality fabrics and making clothing but I'm just not there and God and I both know it:)

She is like merchant ships;

She brings her food from afar.

I've jokingly called this my Costco verse before. Just because Costco is far from my house and I always felt like I was "bringing my food from afar" when I went there. Actually, lately the Lord has been convicting me to stay away from Costco because I seem to spend MORE there. But this verse does require me to take time to do homework and be educated on what our family consumes and uses to know the best quality for the best price. To know what a good deal on a certain item is. Even to go to the lengths physically and mentally to get the best for the best price. To consider all factors in travel, time and value and make a wise decision to result again in what will add and not what will take away. This week that meant I researched the sales more and made more little stops rather than heading down to Costco. This is a constantly changing homework project and one thing I need to do more is beef up on my coupons and Money Saving Mom visits. I've been convicted about taking that time again because It's worth it for things we need.

Vs. 15

She rises also while it is still night

And gives food to her household

And portions to her maidens.

I admit it, this is my LEAST FAVORITE VERSE IN PROVERBS 31!!!!

I am not a morning person. Yet, it means I need to make sure I get up early enough to allow my husband and family to start the day the best way they can. Someone recently joked with me that homeschooling was so great because they could sleep in and start when they wanted if they had a long night. This was one of the things about homeschooling that made our lives worse. I am not good at getting up and unless that structure is put on me, I won't do it. So, though I needed to be up helping my husband get ready for his day, making him breakfast and lunch, I used homeschooling freedom as a reason not to help him out. For me, the schedule and demand to be up has been so good for our family. It has also taught our kids that the world runs on a structure of time and you have to be disciplined. Some mom's I know are great at making this happen inside the homeschooling scene, but not me. Even now, I have to be more and more diligent to make sure there is also enough time to send everyone off prepared for the day they will have and not just having food thrown at them as they go out the door. AND, enough time for me to wake up before them to be able to do this JOYFULLY! It requires getting to bed at a good time the night before and for me, who loves to stay up late, that is hard.

This verse practically reminds me of the noble importance of having the job to feed a household in the morning. To help them in that way is no small thing. It is a high calling. I have the privilege of setting the tone for four peoples day! Well, actually five, because it makes a difference in my day too.

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I'm Feeling At A Parental Loss

I don't know what this post will become, I just feel the need to sort it out. Perhaps just be transparent so that someone else can know a real glimpse of my life.
It's very hard when you have a child that you struggle to communicate with. One that has a personality that is in some ways similar to yours but in most ways extremely different. Just absorbing the mere scientific fact of different brain processes and ways of absorbing information would be enough to know that some sensitivity has to come into play. Do you have one person in your life who, no mater what you say to them, they seem to hear it differently and get a completely different meaning from the one you intended? Or perhaps they don't get what you are saying at all. That is the struggle I'm in with my eldest. Rick and I both actually. I'm in a struggle and search right now, knees bent before the Lord in it, to learn how to love and communicate to this child in the way that she needs me to.
I was just telling a blog friend that God has looked down and purposed that we are the perfect parents for our children. I believe that with all that is in me. I trust his sovereign plan to use all that we present to her for the good he will work in her life. That he works through us rather that in spite of us. Yet, the last two days I have not doubted this, but wondered how it can possibly be working here. He knew we would have these problems with our clashing personalities and yet he still said in essence "it is good" for us to be mother and daughter.
I love my daughter with all that is in me but I need to learn how to love her better and how to let her know that I love her without ignoring some issues that she needs to work on in her character.
My personality is full of flaws itself for sure. Mine is one of a survivor mentality at any cost. To push through no matter what comes up, to find a way to make it work. I am not a very cheerful person all the time, but I do believe that being hopeful and positive is powerful and it comes naturally to me.
My child is a defeatist. She will halt from trying just from the mere projection in her mind that it won't work or that she can't. She will cry over school work the minute it does not come easily to her. Thankfully, she is very bright and most of her academics have come easy to her and I think that very fact makes her flip out when it does not. I on the other hand, struggled in academics and learned to find a way and push through doing the best I could each time. I tell her all the time that if you give up and start crying, your brain will freeze and you won't be able to sort out the problem. I have to calm her all the way down before we can move on. She flips if she gets one wrong on a test, or her grades are not straight A+'s across the board. When told by her teacher, during their state reports, that she needed to hand draw the outline of the US with her state in the middle...free-hand...she just could not do it! She tried and was so mad that it did not look right and was in angry tears by the end of about ten pieces of paper on the floor! I HAD to let her trace it from a map or we were never going to get through the project!
I cannot tell you how hard this is.
It's hard for me to see her throw up her hands and give up rather than try her best and be happy with that. It's just so not me. It's not her daddy, and it's not what her daddy and I have taught her or exemplified to her. It's like she just can't function a different way.
Another aspect that has been hard is ongoing negative thinking. For instance, and this is just an example: Lilo brought up in the car yesterday that she was so excited about the end of the school year party at the local pool. To which Princess says "Well, I'm just going to be bored because I'll be at the shallow end and all my friends will be in the deep end because they can swim better". I ask her how she knows that is true. She says that last time she was there, all her friends were in the deep end and she was left in the shallow end. I ask her when she has been to the pool with all her friends before. She says this was when her neighbor friend and another girl where there. That's just two people, I remind her, and "your class has 35 students! I don't think they will ALL be at the deep end ALL of the time you are at the pool." It's like she projects ahead and visualizes herself all alone and decides that she will for sure have a miserable time.
Yesterday was one negative response to life after another from the minute she got in the car.
I had a meeting I was supposed to go to at the school and I had arranged for my friend to watch the kids for me. She was distraught that she could not go home and rest, having some time to herself to listen to her book on CD and do her beads. I understood, I told her so, and that I really did not want to go either but that it was important. She started snipping at her sister because her world was unhappy and she got in trouble for that. As a result, she went in her room and started crying loudly so we could all hear her and spouting out various doom and gloom statements of how awful her life was and how she never had any time to herself. Now, mind you, I could tell she was tired. I suggested that she just lay down for the few minutes we had before the meeting. I even offered her my bed so that she could rest quietly without her sister coming into the room since they share a room. I was truly trying to validate her expressed need for time. She not only did not want that, she refused it and went on about how miserable it was that she could not do what she wanted. Tears again. I tried so hard to swallow so many things racing through my head. I prayed for wisdom and for self-control. I felt a sense of doom myself for a moment realizing that this was only the beginning of a long road ahead with h0rmone swings and efforts to be the strong yet sensitive parent I needed to be. I felt at a loss. I thought it best to let her cry it out but asked her to come to the couch and talk to me if she needed to. She just kept complaining and I finally had to tell her to stop. I asked her to be thankful for so much that she did have, and for the fact that I'm trying to be involved in what goes on at the school (I'm on the school site council which decides where the money goes in the school) and reminded her that I did not want to go myself but was trying to deal with that unselfishly as I was asking her to do as well.
On our way out the door she asked if she could bring what she wanted to listen to (the book on CD) with her. I was bothered by this because these friends of ours have three boys and one older girl, a year older than Princess. They homeschool, so this young lady does not get to do much with other girls her age. I asked her how she did not see that that would be rude to go to her friends and then proceed to sit in a corner and listen to something instead of blessing her friend with playtime. She said she really did not think of that. I tried to remember that she indeed sees life from a different perspective. She seemed earnest in this and I could not question her sincerity despite the obvious rudeness it presented to me. So, I accepted what she said and tried to explain how that would be insensitive to her friend.
I was running late by now. I dropped them off at my friends giving her a big hug outside before leaving and telling her that I loved her and I was trusting God to help us through these things. I told her I hoped she and her friend would enjoy the time. She was sulky but went on in.
I got up to the school only to find out that they had misprinted when the meeting was to be. It was not till next Tuesday. I wanted to rave to everyone about how hard I had worked to get myself there and what I'd been through with my daughter to get there as well. I took a big sigh and headed back out to my car. I drove to my friends house and she opened the door in surprise that I was back. I explained while Princess came down the hall (now, mind you, MAYBE 10 minutes has passed since I dropped them off) with a big grin on her face and said "but, I don't want to leave, I'm actually having fun!"
Something in myself just became overwhelmed with exhaustion. I smiled back and said, that I was glad and we would stay for about 15 minutes more. Inside I was not angry, not sad, not anything. I was just wondering how I was going to ride this roller coaster for seven plus more years.
That's all I'm going to vent out today. There is more but it may or may not be chatted on here.
I'm just seeking God and saying "show me how!". I know he is faithful but I feel weary. The other two are so easy going and I sometimes feel that I'm so worn and distracted from riding the roller coaster with one that I have to stop and say "oh, yeah, I'm your mommy too!" They can be up in the morning and everything is pleasant. Then Princess gets up and the whole tone of life changes. It bothers me that this happens. I ask her to be a peacemaker (her daddy has been teaching her that for so many hears) but instead she nit-picks at her siblings and always has some grievance about something. We have not been neglecting her heart on this either. We have been working on it for many years. We have taken her to the Word, and she certainly knows what's right. Yet, I don't want to always be on her and make her think that we don't love her or that she can't do anything right all the time. Yet, there are so many zillions of every day issues that there are few moments when things ARE going well for her. If she has a good day with everything going smooth for her things are great. As we all know, life does not work that way so there are so many moments of trial. I don't know how to get her to relax. I don't know how to get her to lighten up. I don't know how to get her to take things in stride. I don't know how to get her to see the good. I can tell her all these things till I'm blue in the face, and I have, but I cannot make her change. Only God can do that. I just feel overwhelmed with the HOW right now.

If I Would Just Take The Advice I Give My 11 Year Old

Working back into school this week after two weeks bumming and traveling has been a challenge. It allowed for some building issues with our oldest to bubble to the top and explode. I've gone on my knees, Rick and I have talked a lot, and I've employed my creative solution finding juices to search out some practical wisdom.
Here is kinda what was happening:
In the hour or so rush of getting ready for school, Princess realizes that she has left both of her school wearable shoes in the car....THAT DADDY TOOK TO WORK! Now, my mind goes by default to what in the world can I improvise with, but hers goes right to the very fact that the world, is indeed, ending. I try to stay calm and encourage creativity and finding something that will work even just for the day. I suggest some slippers that she has said are too tight. "Well, why don't you go try them on and see if it may just work for one day." She returns saying that they are too small and flop off her heal in the back. "If they were too tight, they would not flop off your heals dear". Still, she is in misery but decides it will have to do.
The problem however is that in the midst of this event, she returns to her room and snips off at her sister about something, and is repeatably disrespectful to me through small responses to the simplest things such as time reminders or "don't-forget-to" 's. She is mad, emotional, frustrated and all together not happy that her world has been turned on it's side. In the mean time, I am trying to stay calm in the midst of her crankiness to me and others but not ignore that it's an issue either.
(This was also the morning, if you follow my facebook you know, that I went to spray Superkid's hair with water in order to brush out his bedhead, only to discover Emma had put shampoo in the bottle and he had to be rinsed head hanging over the kitchen sink before taking off for school)
This beautiful morning was topped off by her injuring herself on the door handle of the car. She just emotionally fell apart. By now, I was feeling sorry for her despite the crankiness I'd received. I hate when she has to go off to school like that.
Ironically I came home to see her tennis shoes in the laundry room. Oh, well.
The next morning was better but when she could not find her homework the whole cycle was gearing up again and she started snipping at me and her sister again. My goodness, I thought, I cannot co through this over and over again.
So, I prayed a lot on Tuesday and thought about what to do.
It occurred to me that her problem was a 50/50 scenario. Half of the problem was the circumstance and the other was her choice of how to react to that circumstance. So, we sat down and told her later, if we can eliminate the first problem, it should ease up the second one. Beyond that, she needed to make sure better choices regarding her speech and attitude with her family and to focus more on bringing glory to God with her treatment of others. Those things that were becoming a problem needed to be done the night before. Shoes? Check..set out. Homework? Check...it's in the binder. What to wear? Check...folded and set out. As well as anything else needed the next day out of the norm. On top of this we added a 30 min wake up earlier time and told her we would try that and see if it helped her. She moves VERY, and I do mean VERY, slow in the morning. Lilo on the other hand is dressed in 10 minutes, packed in five and following me around the rest of the morning with her backpack on asking if she can go out in the carport and skate. If I could just find a medium!!!!
Her chores are also required in the morning so we had to allow room for those too. Her sister unloads the dishes, and she puts them away. She is to feed and water the cats and make her bed. It does not sound like much but there has not been time to get it done.
We tried this and it's working very well.
Then it occurred to me that I need to take my own advice. How many times I don't plan ahead or do the consistent things I should in a day and because of my lack of organization and planning, things go insane and I'm cranky to the kids or Rick. I do the same thing I tell her not to do. I take it out on them when it's really my not doing what I should.
So, I ask myself, what circumstances are keeping me from harmony in my life? I've started to find some.
Wake up enough to be cheerful before the kids wake up.
Clean the kitchen the night before entirely so that breakfast and lunches come together better.
Prep lunches the night before if possible.
Go to sleep at a sensible time.
Stay home and don't run around browsing or wasting time because a peaceful home needs keeping up on.
On that note, keep up so you don't have to catch up.
Think of dinner at about 10 am or earlier. Prep it all day to avoid the time crunch when the kids are home and tired and hungry and demanding.
Plan it so daddy can walk in to us at the table, set nicely, waiting for him.
Don't eat too much so that I'm too sluggish for my tasks, especially in the evening. (or you could call it, eat FOR energy, not against it)
Those are just some on the top of my head right now.

Sometimes answers are just more simple than we think. It's all the magic of forethought.

A Testimony and A Temporary Goodbye

My computer has to be sent to Dell to be fixed. The screen detached way too early. IF they give us a fuss, we are cashing in our insurance on it and getting something different. I'll let you know my evaluation of their helpfulness!:)

So, this is my last post for a while unless I can let my buddy/neighbor let me blog over at her house a little.

Have to share in brief what God is doing in our lives. It gives more meaning to the poem below but is not related to the situation I alluded to through the public school. That won't ever be detailed here to protect the privacy of some. This is so related to my heart right now in that poem. Thank you for your kind words regarding it. IT is my dream to send them all to a Christian publisher someday. I need to learn how to get a copyright on my blog too, does anyone know how to do that? Do you know, when it's the right poem I cry when I read it myself. Not because I think it's good, but because I hear my deepest heart and it's like that piece has been taken out and written down forever. That is why I love poetry.

The story:
About a year and eight months ago my dad died at 54. Most of you know that. What you may not know is that my dad was not my bio-dad. I was born to man who had many issues but the main one was alcohol. My mom became a Christian and married Mark when I was five. They had grown up together from kindergarten. Mark took me in and loved my brother and I as His own. He never had his own children. (on a side note, I re-connected with my bio-dad over the phone and through mail about four years ago. He came to the Lord but was a very young christian with lots of life baggage. I thanked God for the chance to talk to him. It was good for us both. IT turned out that he contracted Lue Garricks disease the year my dad was diagnosed with stomach cancer. He died very quickly in June of '06 and my dad Mark died in May of '07. God has never been so near to me as he was that year of events. He became my heavenly Father in a new way. They were both the same age, born in '52. )
When he died I was overwhelmed with many different emotions. One of them was the bottled up reflections of the effect of him taking me in. I was given a deep and real burden for adoption. I wanted to do what my dad had done for me. In honor of him. I shared my burden with Rick. He did not share it. I think I've blogged about this before...can't remember.
I don't believe it is God's will to do something when he has not laid it on both hearts. I also did not believe it was right to convince my husband of anything or to make him feel the burden I felt. I knew God had a reason and I decided the burden must be for some other use. Over a year went by. I never brought it up once.
A few months ago Family Life had a few programs where they were encouraging Christian families to show Christ's love through adoption. I was totally in agreement. I had all ready been in the public schools with my kids and my heart for unsaved children was growing very full. I loved meeting the kids at school and giving them smiles when I was in the classroom or just dropping off and picking up my own kids. Many kids now days are eager for just a kind word and a smile. It gave me such great joy! There were some I saw who I knew needed more at home and wished I could help a child myself. What a perfect way to advance the kingdom, I thought. We had a neighbor boy with a tough situation in his home come over a great deal and his mom told me it was hard because he would come over to our house and come home and ask her why his dad can't play with him like Rick does with the kids, or why he can't have siblings, or why he can't have a real family. It reminded me again how I wanted ot help. Well, then I remembered Rick's feelings and realized again that this was not for us but that maybe God wanted me to be involved in coordinating such a ministry in our church or something many years down the road. Or just keep reaching out to the kids at school or the neighborhood when I could. I forgot about it again.
Then... this past December I heard an advertisement on Christian radio that was encouraging Christian parents to consider foster care. I was beginning to wonder why God was nagging my heart if it was not a direction that was open to me.
I decided to email the local foster care department and just ask for information. I wondered if there was some way I could help. I just told Rick I had sent off for info for that reason and when we started to talk he was a totally different person. He really felt that we should look into helping a child ourselves and have the optimum goal of adoption if the Lord led us to. I was shocked but tried not to show it. I wondered who he was and what someone had done with my husband. He asked if we could pray about it right then and there. I said....sure! About an hour later we got an email that said that the beginning meeting, the one you need to go to to get started was that night locally. Amazing, we both thought. We called Trish last minute and she was kindly able to take our kids that evening during the meeting.
We both were amazed by the information and the testimony of grown teens who came to share with us their foster experience. I won't get into the details of the meeting, but it was very good that we went.
We are now in the process of registering for the classes you need to go through to be licensed. It is a 3-4 month process.
We don't really know what God has for us. We don't really know where it will lead. Now that the kids are in school, I was really hesitant to even think of starting with little ones again, but he seems to be changing my heart. Like I said, who knows. We are just willing to be there if He needs us. It could play out in so many ways. We appreciate prayers for wisdom. A lot of people have fears with using the state systems, or county. I have learned that if God leads, I do not need to be afraid. He will not burden my heart to serve and then punish me for doing what he told me to do. Rick and I are limited in our monetary resources for these things so the foster system is best for us because what we do have is time and love. We would need their help with the other part. That is why we are going that route.
And, like I said, we just don't know beyond the next step. It could just end up with a huge road block and we find a purpose along the way for what we went though to prepare. You never know.
The poem though had to do with the fact that I've learned not to say I won't do something. These are things I have said before (at different times):
I will never have my kids in public school.
I will never homeschool.
I could never adopt or take in a foster child, it would be to scary.
I would never move to (the city I live in now:).
I will never let my children read Disney books. (ha, ha, this one makes me laugh now. i was kinda a snobby literature lover)
There are other things I've said that God has not led me actually to do yet like:
I could never give birth overseas.
I could never move out of state.

I really need to learn this lesson of being open and ready. God has to have a good sense of humor is all I can say.

Influence On Children Can Come From Anywhere God Allows

I admit, sometimes I want to stick my head in the sand and keep it there. On the issue of h*m*s*xuality, sticking my head in the sand is what I'm all about. I don't' like to talk about it, be exposed to it, admit that my world is full of it...nothing. I'm not saying I like that I'm in denial. I get greatly disturbed at the things the enemy makes vile that God made good. I feel great when things are as he created to be. So, I just don't like that it's so blatantly supported when it's just not supposed to be.
So, you can imagine my growing anxiety when God led us to the public schools. On my top three fears was the innocence broken when it came to marriage and family. I did not want to see my kids worlds forever interrupted by this knowledge. He convicted me (as our testimony linked below indicates) over and over (through the discipleship from Tami Rutledge as well) that these things were in his hand. Still, I figured that my 5th grader especially would only make it a day before she was exposed. I spoke with her before school about the birds and the bees and everything in between. The way God made it to be. I figured I'd take a few days break before explaining how sin had messed it up. Yet, I was led to not bring it up yet. What I had all ready given her was a lot to digest. Honestly, time passed and the weeks went by.
Well, God has a sense of humor so I guess I should too.
Yesterday was the day. I thought "well, there you go, we made it nearly a month and a half before it came up.
We were sitting at dinner and Princess mentioned that a girl in her class got a detention for being rude to the teacher. One of the kids thought the little girl had called her teacher "gay". I nearly choke on my food and immediately look up at my husband with wide eyes also to warn him not to inquire in front of the seven and five year old. He doesn't get it and says something inquisitive. Lilo chimes in "Gay? Doesn't gay mean happy? Why would she get in trouble for that?" I make even bigger eyes at my husband and start back peddling when Princess says "yes, and I know what else it means."
Gulp is all I remember.
I continue back peddling attempts "yes, gay does mean happy Lilo..... (to Princess) "I would like to talk to you after dinner but you are not to continue on this subject right now"
We bring up another topic real quick.
The part that was writhing in my head was that she all ready knew something I did not tell her yet. Great, I thought, they beat me to it after all. Bad, bad parent. Yeah, Public school, thank you very much.
My attitude first of all was not right. I am responsible to present these things to my children and not blame them on anything getting there before me. If it does, I have to remember that God is sovereign.
Rick comes into the kitchen to tell me that he remembers Princess telling him before that this certain homeschooler we know had told her about what gay was. I'm thinking "and you didn't think this was worth alerting me to, or addressing??!!!" Okay, deep breath Alicia, men don't always think these things are worth a big fuss like I always do.
I pulled her aside in my room later so we could talk. I was dreading it like you would not believe. I wished this day would never come. I really did.
Yes, it turns out the knowledge was given to her by this homeschool friend. The word gay came up in conversation and this child took the liberty to explain to Princess that gay was when a man was married to a man and lesbian was when a woman was married to a woman. (I'm thinking "married!" what?!!)
We proceeded to have more conversation and explaining. I told her that this child should have said at that point "you need to ask your mom and dad about that" and that was what I wanted her to do if she ever came across any child who asked her what "gay" was. I told her that it was my fault that she did not hear it from me first. I knew that with her going to school I needed to explain it. To this she chimes in:
"nobody ever talks about it at school though"
Well, wha-do-ya-know.
My big fear was something that came from a setting I assumed formerly was secure. Well, there is no such thing anymore. I have to remember that God orchestrates these things and He has reasons for his timing and place.
Honestly I just find in highly ironic.

Life Is A Ministry Of Reconciliation

I've wanted to come back to the topic I brought up a few days ago. If you don't know what I brought up go here and scroll to the bottom of the post.

First I have to give you a short trip to where my head was a few weeks ago. I wrote a post I didn't publish because of the negative attitude I was having regarding christian people. Any time there is bitterness in my heart toward my brothers and sisters, whether I agree with them or not, I am in sin. Worse than that, I was letting their opinions quench my passion for my Savior and my intimate relationship with him. He showed his great love for me by doing something he has to do a lot to me. He came in to the messy table of my life, piled high with emotional grievances against others, doubt about myself, worldly distractions to avoid the issue at heart, and took his hand so to speak and swiped them all onto the floor. What was left was what he put on the table in front of me, 2 Corinthians 5:18-20:

"Now all these things are from God (this is in reference to the prior verse about the new things come in Christ as apposed to the old things of the flesh), who reconciled us to Himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation,
namely, that God was in Christ reconciling the world to Himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and He has committed to us the word of reconciliation.
Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, as though God were making an appeal through us; we beg you on behalf of :Christ, be reconciled to God."

This spoke many things to me. (1) I was looking at the flesh, at man, and I was frustrated. (2) I was not reconciled to God in my heart because I was letting baggage get in the way. (3) I was not keeping the main thing the main thing....that being, the ministry of reconciliation which required the forgiving of man's faults and my own and like Christ, not holding them against them or myself.
So, first God used it to startle me....BE RECONCILED ALICIA!
Next, he used it to reconcile my heart to my fellow men.
Last, he began to show me the beauty of the simplicity of this truth in relationships.
The beauty of the ministry of reconciliation. That ministry that Paul here says we have been given, and that we are to be ambassadors of.
How often in life we let so much crowd in and loose the main simplicity of life. The burden that is light and easy that Christ brought to us to carry. He came to do one thing, reconcile humanity to God. We should, I should reflect his example and be reconciled and proclaim reconciliation.
Now, to understand this, we have to remember the main problem in the gospel message. The Grand Canyon of sorts between Man and God. The separation that sin has caused. We are first to be burdened with this for every man made by God, every person walking the planet. Second, we are to trickle down this concept to our everyday relationships. We are to be in a mindset of reconciliation and I present to you that it is the opposite of the one thing the enemy comes to do....divide what was meant to be harmoniously together.
THIS is how this effects and is applicable to parenting. Even as I write (And I do so mainly for my own benefit as I've had a hard time sorting out what the Lord has been trying to show me. It's like some big math problem that I'm not understanding and he is trying to map out for my feeble mind one fragment at time) I struggle to explain the concept clearly although it is amazingly simple....it is deeply complex as well.
I said that I was asking God what the key element was that made relationships between parent and child turn out right. Please go back and read that paragraph as I don't want to make this any longer than it all ready is!:) "..and gave us the ministry of reconciliation,..." Hmmmm, a ministry, given to me, of reconciling. What does it take to reconcile to God? Humility, repentance, admission of need, admission of sin, burden for closeness to God.....on and on. What does it take to be reconciled to people? Humility, repentance, loosing the right to be right, caring more about harmony than being right, repentance of sin of wanting to be right and in control, forgiveness of faults done against me, making the relationship more important than what I think is the way things aught to be, a burden for closeness.
Somewhere in here is the key to the way I want to parent. I believe that the enemy divides many families in many different ways. He will use the world and the influence of it to divide. He will use legalism and the desire of a parent to control their child to divide. He will use selfishness and everyone wanting to just be right to divide. He has a pocket full of tricks with one mission in mind....to mess up what God meant to be reconciled. God meant for us to be reconciled to himself. He meant for a husband and wife to be reconciled. He meant for a child and a parent to be reconciled. He means for the body of Christ to be reconciled and he means for us to call out to the lost to be reconciled as well.
We loose reconciliation with our children when we want to be right above wanting God's will for them. We loose it when we reflect law instead of joy for God's glory. Because the fact is, and this is the very thing I am longing to grasp and shove down into my soul as deep as it will go, is that God's word stands alone. I can present God's word to my child (as I aught) and leave the rest up to God! It sounds so simple but it works practically to the very nitty gritty of life. I don't have to be right, God's word all ready is. It's when I fight to gain control of the situation that my sinful nature rares it's head and DIVIDES me and my child. RECONCILIATION comes when I present the word of truth, pray for God to use it, take a deep breath and let Him be sovereign. Oh, if I could just grasp that. My duty is to reflect the joy, the grace, the passion God has for reconciliation in all things and for all peoples. I DON'T NEED TO BE ON A CAMPAIGN TO BE RIGHT. That campaign started with the great commission and it's truths are recorded for all of mankind and applies to all of mankind.
Is this making sense to anyone? I hope so. I hope I have not just blurted endlessly without coherent truth shining through.
I am still working out the details of this and I think it is only the beginning of finding the answer as to where things go wrong.
One thing I do know is that relationships are the most important thing on earth beyond reconciliation to God. People are eternal one way or the other. When we put our own ideas beyond what scripture says or on top of what scripture says, or if we present the truth without joy and passion for God's glory above our own desire for control, we cause division in what is meant to be reconciled. Humility is the cornerstone of reconciliation. It is the very letting go of self and what self thinks, wants, and desires to have. It is the hardest element. It is the full leaning on God to work HIS work in people and to stop thinking we bring something to the table. What we do, if anything, is part really of what HE is doing. If we get in the way of that by pushing too hard, we are still, though it may all look good and righteous to us, we are still getting in the way.
Our relationships should mean more to us than our opinions. They should be worked on and cultivated with a spirit of reconciliation at the cost of ourselves. God does not need us to be right with our kids, he needs us to speak the truth of His word and then let it speak for itself. He does not need us to push, and fret, and condemn, but he needs us to encourage, love, and inspire with the great power of his joyful gospel.....his formula for blessing, not our formula for propriety.

Whew, that was intense. I need a break now.

Teaching Kids To Pray For Their Special Someone

Princess has obviously dove into school in the prime time of awaking hormonal awareness issues. I mentioned in the previous post that she had a little boy bugging her because he liked her. By the end of the week there were three of them and they were doing that little school yard ritual of sending one over to ask her if she liked the other, or passing a note through that same gopher friend to find out the same. Man, I remember that so well, yet it sank back somewhere in my memory till now. On Friday she received a love note: "I love you, do you like me?" to which she replied: "no, not really". Then, the little boy was crying and she felt bad so she sent another note: "I'll be your friend though." to which she received by way of above mentioned gopher/carrier (pity that guy) a fancy pencil with thus note attached: "okay! This is a gift!".

Oh, my....the comedy.

Christy from Zimms Zoo had an excellent point in her comment on our last post:

"It does seem that these days parents think it is so cute for elementary kids to have "boyfriends". I say that is an extremely slippery slope."

I totally agree with Christy. There is nothing cute about encouraging children to play marriage, and they will only go from there to escalate their process of playing that game. It's a biological process with a climatic end. Do we really want them on that road at all? NO! Pretend on this topic ended in kindergarten when they played house...those days are over and they need to know it!

We encouraged Princess to be a friend to everyone. Right now of course she is more annoyed by the attention and would rather avoid these boys but we are trying to make a point to be kind to everyone. Though this age is normal for those feelings to really start bubbling to the surface in kids, we have to be aware as parents that their exposures on television or elsewhere are more than likely far above where our child has been mentally.

Right before school she and I did a lot of talking. I wanted things to come from me. It went really well. Once I told her things, I was able to explain God's plan for marriage, commitment, and therefore appropriate behaviour when these feelings start to bubble up through the growing up years. She all ready has a major crush on the actor who plays Prince Caspian, so I know she is starting to notice the opposite sex. Like most girls, she is noticing ones a little older rather than those at her own awkward age. I am not threatened by this, or panicked. It's healthy and normal. But, it is a catalyst for a time of discipling that begins now and goes on till the day she walks down that isle.

So, I begin to prayerfully ask what I can do, how to teach. Yes, there are books I've gathered, there are ways it was done for me, but what does God have for these children? Well, right now we begin with the practical blanket statement of friendship....be every ones friend. Neither shun, a classmate, nor is it appropriate to treat one as more than a friend.

I think a very practical development at this time is to guide Princess through beginning to pray for her future spouse that God has for her. I wish I had done that earlier (I started to when I was in college) than I did so that I could be reminded that if God had a mate for me, he was out there, and he was real. Prayer for God to develop his character even now through his growing up years, and prayer to save romance for him. These are more simple terms at this age. We don't want to ignore the topic and therefore leave room for their secret imaginations to fill the void, or the comments of their friends or else. Nor do we want to overkill the subject and take away what is indeed left of their childhood years. What we REALLY don't want to do is make them feel wrong for their developing feelings. I am absolutely sure this can lead to unhealthy understandings and even guilt burdens in regard to what God has programed in us naturally. We want her to know it IS NORMAL, it is healthy....now, what do we do with it? Prayer for their future spouse is a mental compass of sorts to keep guiding her back to the goal God has for her.

Rick and I feel that a simple guideline is as follows. (1) Your romantic feelings though noticeable for years are not to be acted upon until you are ready for it's ultimate goal...marriage. If you are not ready to marry, you are not to be engaged in marriage building behavior. (2) and much later on.... If you would not do it to your brother, you should not do it to a boy. I often was confused as a teen as to what was right and wrong in a relationship. There were many adults who I heard discuss it and many would say that it was something you just had to pray whether it was right and obey conviction on.....baloney! When you are feeling those feelings, you are not ready to do those mental processes. However, a practical line is drawn by thinking "would I kiss my brother on the lips?" "heavens, no!" (well, maybe in a Greek or Russian family, but I know my girls won't want to:). "Would I hold his hand?" "Well, yes." (and please remember I am not speaking now, I'm speaking later when the #1 issue has been settled, that being whether you are prepared for marriage in a relationship and okay with being headed in that direction). "Would I kiss him on the cheek?" "Well, yes" (if he was nice:).

The fact is, until we are married, we are in essence brothers and sisters in the Lord (and of course this is all under the disciplining to be pursuing a man of God though I have not mentioned that yet). What we would not do with our physical brother, we should not do with our spiritual one. These are clear, and easy guidelines, and it will be how we will be presenting the harnessing of romantic emotions over the next decade of our daughters life.

The important thing that I'm having to remember now, and I'm excited for the new challenges because of, is that we are beginning to open up those channels of discussion. I don't want to shame her for having feelings if they do come up because that shuts down the channel and it's a fearful reaction. Instead, I need to reaffirm that God gave her these feelings and they are great! I don't need to be fearful, or panic, I need to put my discipling hat on and take her hand boldly but with prayers for wisdom.

Today, I'm thankful she is annoyed by the boys. For today anyway. :)

Thoughts on Respect From Kids

I have not been great at reading blogs this week. I'm trying to catch up slowly. I went for a visit to one of my favorites, Rejoice, and found a wonderfully challenging and convicting post my Tami. I hope you read it.

This is just really my thought after reading it myself.

There was a lot of good presented to me in my upbringing. There was some bad. This is no surprise to my folks, or me now that I'm a parent because we know we are fallen people trying to do the best we can in the strength of the Lord. I do know that the issue spoken of in Tami's blog post has been a generational parenting philosophy problem passed down in my family. Well, it's been passed down through humanity I'm sure, but when a family does not have healthy intervening Godly changes made it just keeps carrying on and on. The pattern is that of demanding respect as a parent simply on the basis that we, the parent, deserve it. It is something Rick and I both have picked up from our upbringing.
Now, the idea itself, that parents are to be respected is true. I think what Tami addressed is our attitude of heart when we don't get the respect from our children. I have been guilty of thinking I deserve it because of my position. It really is not a Christlike attitude for parenting. Tami talked about humility. Does the humble parent let the child therefore walk all over them? The amazing thing is that you can be strong and humble at the same time. In fact, I become stronger in my humble leading because the very power of the Lord is in my parenting when I do that. Any time we give up ourselves we find Christ instead. When I don't I become a selfish stubborn roadblock that creates a division between my child and me, and my child and God because I am not leading them to Him.
There is so much that can be said on this topic. I especially struggle with demanding respect from my kids. Why? Because it is a quick fix right? They just do it and I have accomplished my mission. Right? "Say Yes Mam!" "Say Yes Sir!" We got what we want from them, so we are respected. This is what I've been programed by. It's the style of parenting I've seen and taken on naturally myself.
The greatest struggle is to reprogram parenting habits. Not just taken from what you were taught, but what you have been doing for the past x amount of years. Yet, with God all things are possible. I have such a hard time taking something like this and actually finding change. Something Tami said hit the nail on the head for me:

Be an example, live your life in such a way that your are respectful. Then you will not focus on whether or not you are respected, your focus will be on whether God is respected. You see, the key desire we should have for our children should be that they show their honor and love for the Lord by respecting and obeying us.It isn't about whether or not we deserve it, it is that God deserves it. You need to be an example of respect to your children. You need to portray humility because humility is the only way you can have the fruit of the Spirit in the midst of rebellion.

That is what it's all about, living by the fruit of the Spirit. I forget that so often. I then, will hear something like this great post from Tami and say "This is it! I'll try harder to do this!" only to find disappointment as I fail and revert back to my selfish patterns. How do I practically apply wisdom passed on to me like this? How can I be free from patterns that seem to be the very fibers of my parenting?
I think the answer is prayer, and renewing of the mind. The power behind them both being the work of the Holy Spirit. I can so easily feel defeated and think "I just can't seem to do this and I just proved it by failing again. Others can parent this way because they started from the beginning.... lucky them. I'm forever doomed to this bad way of parenting. It's all I know."

Wow, what a deception from the enemy. The thing that God has used Tami for in my life, and used His Word spoken through her for, is to remember the joy of my salvation. I have a hard time keeping joy. I know I am not alone. The reason I know it is because I think it is the one mission of the enemy to steal that treasure that has been given by Jesus to his children. Then we are open to deceptions when our joy is stripped from us. We start to seek out temporary joys in temporary solutions. We have a momentary egotistical joy that our kid just submitted to us only to ignore the fact that what we just got from them was a sweeping under the rug of the dirt in their heart just so that we can look and deceive ourselves that they look behaved.
Joys response would be me keeping my eyes on the goal, renewing my mind with scripture (not like some works oriented monk chanting these verses and banging my head on my bible all day long, but by praying always in the Spirit with I walk by the way, when I sit down, when I get up...... as the breath of His Spirit moves me) and praying. Joy does not discourage with failing but rejoices with the truth. What is the truth? The truth is that I am held by God in equal measure at all times. Alicia tends to discourage with failing and forget the truth. Alicia tends to lean on a formula instead of leaning on God. Alicia would rather be lazy and sweep dirt under the rug rather than pull out the power of God to address the removal of the dirt in her kids life. Alicia tends to get angry at the dirt rather than find joy in the fact that God pointing it out is an act of love to her so that He can use her as a clay pot filled with his Holy Spirit to address that dirt through him. Alicia needs to be okay with dirt showing up again and again because it is a joy to have the job of leading her child in the process of renewing their hearts.
I'm getting on a rabbit trail..... a dirty one at that...:*
Anyway... I thought the post was excellent and I think I'll read it a few times. You know, another practical thing is to print these and things that the Lord uses to speak to me and read them over a few times in the week and then pray for the change He wants to make in me from them.
I'm sorry if I lost some of you in my dirt analogy. Sometimes I loose myself in there somewhere too.