A Virtual Tower of Babel

We were watching Sing Off last night and a commercial came on for a new blackberry full of new apps. I felt a small annoyance and panic raising in my chest. I feel the world of simplicity slipping away and I wonder if this is how my grandma feels about just a simple computer. It suddenly occurs to me that technology is going at a pace I cannot keep up with, nor do I really want to!

I adore simplicity.

There is something quaint about pen and paper, stamps and seals, talk and tea etc. I want it to slow down!

Over the holiday one of the biggest items has been the Kindle. It occurred to me that someday people won't have beautiful books on their shelves to pull off, feel, smell and enjoy reading from! Can you imagine a world like that? Do you want a world like that? I don't.

I like to read my bible from it's pages.

I like to write down my thoughts on paper.

I like seeing the colors and fonts of the book bindings on the shelf and the old artistic style of a famous classic.

I like making a to do list for my day on a little notepad.

Recently since we turned out cell phones off I find I enjoy the fact that I'm unreachable and it's also stretched my faith to trust God for situations. There are now times that my kids can not get ahold of me from school and it reminds me over and over that I am not their guardian angel like I think I am.

All this security, all this information, all this "convenience" can be stripped away with one global communication failure and I think someday it will be.

We have created a Virtual Tower of Babel. The whole world is connected and efficient with goals that reach the skyline.

Look out, it could snap at any time.

In the mean time I've decided not to fret if I don't keep up, because I can't. I realize my children very soon will be sitting next to me patiently trying to explain terms and instructions to me that I don't get. In the mean time, I want them to appreciate the simple things and be familiar with them because they may very well be the generation that sees it all fall apart and humanity scrambling once again to pick itself back up.

Reality Blogging Day 2

This will be in bullet point form to save me time and feed my desire for random journaling!:)

• I admit it, I was dreading today because of all the housework from being sick three days. I tried to sleep in but when no one else does it's like a session of torture dozing.


• Coffee...blogging....ah, this is better and I am awake after all. Kids are watching cartoons and enjoying that one box of junk cereal they get a paycheck.


• My head is still clogged as can be and it's been five days now.


• I'm feeling like Jerry Lewis in "the Stooge" when Dean Martin tries to wake him up and he is having a hard time getting going. "here we go....here we go...here we go..." but it's so hard to get going.


• My kids seem to be endless pits on Saturday's for food. I think it's because they are home and taking it easy so they think more about food. They keep coming in and asking what they can eat. How will I ever make it through teen years on this budget? I actually bought my first flat of Ramen noodles which I don't believe in just to fill the cracks on days there is no good thing to give them.


• I get up and go into the kitchen. While feeling better yesterday I managed to grocery shop and make dinner. I did not manage to put away all the groceries and do all the dishes so there was hardly a void anywhere to set my cup of coffee down.


• I was randomly thinking about manners. I've never understood why we follow something as proper when it came from the mind of one human. Who gets to decide what it culturally appropriate or not? After all, they are different in different places. Yet, so many people become nearly religious about manners. I've somewhat failed my girls in pushing manners too much besides the obvious ones I would send rumors about town with. Really, who decides them? I decided I'm rather rebellious.


• Pondered the blog a lot again and was annoyed how much it was bothering me. Told myself to not over think like I do everything else. Wondered what was going on in the heads of others. I do that too much.


• Turned on Johnny Cash and dug into the kitchen. I feel some weird kindred to Johnny Cash. His struggle between conviction and humanity are something I feel in my own skin. Pondered that for a good log while while slicing that 4lb of lunch meat with the slicer I did get to borrow from the neighbor. I was scared to use the thing. I have a fear of blades and getting digits cut off. I think I was rather loudly announcing to my children to not come within three feet of me while I was using the thing. All of a sudden I remembered Johnny Cash's brother got fatally injured using a saw. Suddenly I wondered if I was listening to the wrong music for the job. Swallowed.


• Had the kids do some help with their rooms and the living room. Princess never fails to be so deadly hungry when it's time to work.


• Switched around some mattresses to prepare for the foster child bed to be put up in Superkids room. Gathered up all the things the girls needed to sort though in bags and baskets. Vacuumed their room while they played.


• Watched the lead up stuff to the Kentucky derby (I was born in Louisville) and remembered my girlhood love of horses....wow, they are so beautiful. Did housework in between. The kitchen was still a work in progress.


• Called my mom to check on her and was on the phone at least an hour. I was saddened by how much she has been put through lately. I ask God to give her relief. It's been such a hard two years. I wonder how she can take all the circumstances. I start to ponder how much I feel her age creeping up on her. I feel the weight of sorrow and burdens on her. I long for happier days for her.


• Ponder whether over thinking and intense analyzing of life is a side effect of grief. I don't remember thinking so hard about things or feeling so bold about what I think or feel before Dad died. I try to remember what it was like to not be so intense. Was it an innocence that is gone forever now? An ignorance is bliss kind of thing? I ask myself if I'm just now starting to grieve in my own way. Like some hyper sense is kicking in and it's driving me nuts.


• Consider how the internet brings people so close to each other. Facebook, blogs, twitter. Is it really a good thing we are all so connected? My mother use to say that too many women in one house is a bad thing. The trend of women blogging is so hype right now and I start to wonder if we've all put ourselves in a virtual dwelling. I start to wonder if I want to be just another shouting voice in a crowd or a calm and reflective poet in the corner of the room. I'm leaning toward the latter.


• Superkid and Lilo go out to play and come in soaking wet. What was that all about? Go to the bathroom and strip please and thank you for the puddles in the house. Don't run the faucet outside as long as you please thank you. Do you know daddy pays money for that water?


• Daddy... I miss Rick a lot today. Can I just have a bunch of girlfriends as loving and easy to get along with as my husband? I love this man. What will I ever do if I loose him. I think of my mother again. How did that happen? Could I handle that? Where would I ever find such a kindred spirit again. I hope he gets home soon.


• He calls and says he's done and I tell him I need garbanzo beans and french bread. Oh and I've been craving a beer. Oh, sounds great he says. Nothing heavy I warn, I do have to go to TOPS on Monday and beer is usually on my no, no list.


• When thinking of something fast and easy for dinner since I still had half a kitchen to work on and was on my second load in the dishwasher, I remembered something. Years ago, my friend Donna and her husband invited Rick and I over for dinner. They had two young kids and we had none at that time. We got there and the dinner was iceberg bag salad w/ garbanzo and kidney beans served with a French Bread loaf w/ butter. For dessert we had gram crackers with icing spread on top. This made a big impression on me. My mother hardly ever had people over but if we did it was a big dinner. I was surprised that this salad was all we were having. I knew they were on a tight budget though and was more and more deeply amazed at their generosity to have us over even though things were tight and they did not have a meatloaf or roast to share. It made a permanent impression on me. I've always tried to remember that. I knew they wanted to be with us because we were friends and that was what made the occasion. So, I repeat that dinner now and then because it is a good memory for me. So, we are having gram crackers and icing for dessert. It's a good reason to use up the two half full containers of icing sitting around. I remind myself of my TOPS again and will be having one little piece.


• The girls go in their room after dinner and rock out to their loud Christian girlie music. The modular shakes. Their neighbor friend comes to see if they can play and they go outside to play basketball together. The evening is balmy and clear. The green leaves in the nectarine tree are vibrant and the birds sing the sunset into play.


• Oh, and there was a stray dog in the neighborhood today that the kids played with and begged to keep. I told them he would find his way home and they were sure he would not. I told them to go in and wash their hands with soap and water and not even talk about doggies to me again. I considered taking them up to the chew spot on the house left by Ebony. They would only say that this dog would never do that, he was too sweet.


• Rick and Superkid take a shower and their silly boyish banter rings through the house. A deep voice and a little boyish voice chatting back and forth. I feel so blessed to have a son.


• Emma put on shades at dinner (not sure where they came from) and made cool faces. They all got laughing and Rick had to bring them all back to focus again and again.


• I wonder if I'll ever get everything done, look at the clock which by now says nearly eight and realize the answer is no.


• I realize that this day is coming to an end. No matter what over thinking I've done, what was accomplished or left for later, what the kids gleaned from me or picked up from me, whether things are perfect or hard, whether we have a day of struggling or gliding by, God is purposeful and He is truth. Though I may be distracted by the tossing waves of humanity and it's drama, he is a rock..steady and firm, dependable and sure. All else seems to swirl around in unpredictable chaos but in the middle is the certainty of His wisdom. It is still and I long to be still and rest in it.

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Few Things So Lovely

Do you ever walk out on a cool evening just to catch a breathtaking sunset? Do you ever go and stand by the roar of the ocean and feel your soul just stretching out over the water to touch somehow the beauty your eyes take in? Do you ever look at a new life and just drink in the awe of brand new creation? All these things are glimpses of the glory of God and they make our souls absolutely soar with delight in something way bigger than we are. We were created to long for beauty beyond ourselves, the beauty of the glory of God. More in a minute.
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I love the second chapter of Acts. I love the amazing timing of God to bring the Holy Spirit at a time when so many men and women from so many nations would be gathered in one place to come to the knowledge of the gospel of God himself. I love that the fact that the Holy Spirit allowed the apostles to speak in all the languages that were represented there despite the fact that they had never heard perhaps a word of it themselves, let alone been trained in speaking it.
I love that it encourages me when I want to share the gospel with someone and just feel like I just don't "speak their language" seeing that we are so different perhaps, that the Spirit is given me just as it was to the Apostles and I don't have to worry about the details that God can handle.

I love that it reviews the fulfilled prophecy about the coming of the Spirit as well as the resurrection of Christ. It declares forth the validity of them both...rock solid.

I love that it includes the second most important event in church history (the first being the coming of the Spirit) being Peter's sermon which leads to the 3,000 converts all from those many many places ready now to go back, in perfect timing, to their own lands to declare and start the spread of the good news of salvation from sin.

Still, my favorite part comes at the very end. Just as any other thing right from the hand of God without the help of man, this picture is a lovely display of the power of the Spirit to accomplish the glory of God:
"Everyone kept feeling a sense of awe; and many wonders and signs were taking place through the apostles. And all those who had believed were together and had all things in common; and they began selling their property and ppossessions and were sharing them with all, as anyone might have need. Day by day continuing with one mind in the temple, and breaking bread from house to house, they were taking their meals together with gladness and sincerity of heart, praising God and having favor with all the people. And the Lord was adding to their number day by day those who were being saved."

Does that not make your heart soar!? Just like the other "awe" inspiring things I mentioned above. These people were experiencing a glimpse of eternity. They were filled with joy and selflessness toward each other even to the point that they felt they had all things in common. Now, as with any group of humanity, they of course did not have ALL things in common, yet they had all that really mattered in this life in common, and temporal things in ownership to Christ and therefore held it to each other with open hand. Wow, the unity of that, and what a different picture than the world around us going for what each man can get for himself and the building up of his own importance and confidence.
They were sharing the joy of food together in a wonderful fellowship. Not hording their own food for their own families (as they actually had very little and could have been perhaps justified to do so in the sense of it being more "smart" perhaps) but making sure all were provided for and met in their needs.
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It's obvious that in our world, every man longs for peace. He longs for the world to become a better place and for us all to just work together for the greater good. Though this desire is misguided through the fall and sin has twisted it into goal for blowing up our own vanities and the vanity of mankind itself (therefore positively effecting us as well), it comes from a desire given to us by God. Yet, our peace is found in LETTING GO of everything that would build us up and giving it in open hand to where God would use it for His purposes. It was such a beautiful picture of everything humanity is NOT on his own, that it drew in more and more unbelieving people. They were in awe of this unity.
I wonder if the church today is as beautiful to those who look upon us. It should be. It should be amazing what Christians do for others because of the love they have for Christ. They should feel that we would just as earnestly give what we had for a need they had as well. It is undeniable beauty and not something that we could just conjure up. Just like the sunset or the waves of the sea, it is awesome and God revealing. It makes us long to be a part of it because it is bigger than the self-seeking beings that we are.

Easter Was Only The Begining and What Was To Come Is Of Colossal Importance For Every Day Life

I had a hard time absorbing Easter this year. I felt myself making a concerted effort to stop and reflect on the death of my Lord and the significance of His resurrecting from the dead. The two biggest events in human history followed up by even the prior birth of Christ, one would think would move me each time beyond measure. Yet, sometimes it doesn't. Ooooh, that makes me sound like such a bad Christian does it not?!

The fact is, the crucificiton and the resurrection are events in history that I utterly believe in but that are far away from my own every day reality. That is just the truth of it. Only by the impression on my heart from God's Holy Spirit are my eyes even open to receive and believe those truths. Though they are massive, earth shattering, and eternally life changing to me, they are emotionally and practically a long way away from my every day and I feel I have to work my brain to travel back to what I even have knowledge of regarding their existence.

So, this morning I was greatly impressed and encouraged by an event no less significant that allows the "rubber" of the Easter story to hit the "road" of my life.

Most of you know that Passover is before Easter. That the last supper took place at Passover. That passover is a remembrance of when God rescued the Israel nation out of slavery and brought them into the promised land. It was a time to put the blood of a lamb on the door post so the angel of death would passover the home of those who put their faith in God. You also know that this was indeed a foreshadowing of the coming of Christ to be the Lamb of God, shed his blood, that though faith would allow the freedom from slavery to sin as well as salvation from eternal death.

Jesus was crucified after the passover meal and rose from the dead three days later. Of course his resurrection and it's significance trumps any other before or after existing belief regarding the salvation of humanity. It fulfills all prophecy to the "T", and it allows and points to the possibility of our own certain resurrection in bodily form before the creation of the New Earth as we are told in Revelation.

When Jesus rose from the dead he appeared to the disciples and ate meals with them to prove he was not just spirit but risen body as well. He remained with them for 40 days teaching them about the Kingdom of God.

All great events, all foundational and life changing for me of course. However, nothing I have participated in myself or been able to witness to where my memory is forever branded with experiential absorption of truth. What is experienced in my life happened 50 days after that Passover.

It's called the Feast of Weeks and is also known as "Pentecost" (meaning "fiftieth") celebrated 50 days after Passover in May/June (Lv 23:15-22). For years, and years, and years, the people of Israel came to Jerusalem to celebrate this important event.

It's astounding to me how consistent God is. I'm so thankful for that. How important absolutely perfect timing is to him as well. He is precise, concise, and affirmative. He used the events of Jesus to coincide and tie up all loose ends of the rituals of the Old Testament and make them complete and fulfilled. Wow. For it was at this exact time that the events of Acts chapter 1 take place. The promise given by Jesus (vs.8) to send the helper, the comforter, the source of power, the very spirit of Himself would come to pass at this time. It was called the Pentecost. During the former feast at Pentecost, the firstfruits were offered and the image is paralleled and fulfilled as the Holy Spirit came and brought the firstfruits of the gospel of Jesus the Christ through the salvation of the first Christians that day.

The amazing thing is that this is something I am a part of. It was the beginning, but I get to be part of the story. The apostles had to wait for this special event but all after are given the Holy Spirit at salvation. That means that the power that motivated Christ to obey the will of God even unto death, now dwells in me. It means that the comfort he gave out to others in his human life, is given to me, just as if his very hands were laid upon me. It means that his Spirit to fulfill the will of God on earth is moving and working even now on this earth and through His great grace, it is moving through my very life and circumstances. It means that my life can be decided in every detail by God's direction. There are no more chances, guesses or good luck/bad luck outcomes. Notice that even the last decision made by the disciples before the Holy Spirit came was made by the casting of lots. They cast lots between whether Matthias or Barabbas (or Justus) should be the disciple to replace Judas. They trusted God to decide through this practical process proven by their prayer in verse 24. It was an OT way of determining the will of God. That was about to change. God was about to become even more intimate than just saving our souls. He was going to hand us the very spirit of His son to navigate our steps till we reach the end. If we belong to Him and prayerfully decide what to do in life, He will lead us in the will of God. That is an amazing thing if you really think about it.

In summary, it's kind of a "that was then, this is now" story. Try as we might to muster up emotions and significant responses to the events of Christ's cross and resurrection, we waver and we fail. We come and we go. We are unpredictable and unsteady. We are distant from the event itself and unable to grasp it's importance fully.

Then God gave his intimate solution to the problem he knew all to well that we had. Wanting to help us, love us, and guide us through, he unleashed the Holy Spirit of his beloved Son into our very lives so that He can navigate and keep faithfully that which has been in trusted to His care. We are not powerful. We are not comforted. We are not wise. We are not fulfilled and focused. Yet the event of the Pentecost, 50 days from Passover, and up and coming on your calendar, is the phase two in the Easter Story. It is the hand to be held, the motivation to be used, the peace to be permeated, the direction to be led, and the companion so treasured along the rest of a journey for the Glory of God. For Him, to Him, and by Him, making us complete in Christ.

So, whatever you do....don't stop celebrating if you believe, because this is where YOU come in to the story itself!

Be encouraged.

Okay...THAT, Made Me Mad

I know it's Easter, and yes, I've had many deep thoughts today on many good things. I have also got a good head list of some bloggables this week so I don't mean to come here and be negative on a holiday but....

I was just at Walmart for some TP and laundry soap (very exciting shopping and especially great seeing how I returned some shorts and two tops to have the money to get them. that's kind of like counter active shopping for a woman don't you think? I was there with the kids and did not try the tops on. Am I the only one who can't get tops to fit right anymore? If they fit in the bust, they are tight in the belly. If they fit in the belly they are expectantly disappointed in the bust. I'm just not made properly I guess. No wonder rich people look so good..they have tailored clothing!)

Where was I...

Oh, yeah. I was in the check out and had a really really hard time with the latest National Enquirer. I know they should not be expected of much at all that's dignified, but this was beyond abominable. They had pictures of Patrick Swayze "wasting away" a they were calling it I think. It broke my heart.

If you have loved someone and seen their body waste away literally like that, in your own arms, loosing all faculties one by one in a slow and painful method of digression as it eats away at your instinct to love and help them, you would never....EVER post that anywhere.

What awful people to be so insensitive. This is not some affair had with so and so. This is not someone caught with their visible cellulite backside. This is a man facing the reality that he is going to die and trying to live life fully while he deals with that. This is aging in fast forward and feeling one by one things you could control fall out of your hands and into the hands of the almighty. This is the truest journey a man takes. It is his own journey. It is pain for those around him who love him as their very hearts are being ripped out and rung like a wet washcloth until their is nothing left to ring out and the well of emotions run dry completely.

This is not and never should be posted for interest of the buyer. It should never be blared like the newest gossip. That is as low as I've seen anyone go.

Shame on them.

I try to think about the fact that they simply don't know what they are doing.

It doesn't help much.

I think I will be sure to say a prayer for Patrick and that he would be encouraged and feel the love around him fuller than he ever has before.

Born In The Wrong Decade

When Rick and I went up to Hearst Castle I got the same tingle in my spine I always get when the tour bus starts playing the 30's and 40's tunes. Though the Castle is full of very old art, it was alive and busy during this time period until Hearst grew ill in 1947 and was unable to live there anymore. BTW do you know that Hearst asked his Southern California doctor to consider coming to Hearst to be his personal physician so that he could live where he wanted to the most before he died? Hearst offered the doctor the DEED to Casa Grande (the large "cottage" in front of the castle) for his whole family to live there. The doctor turned him down and I'm sure the descendants have been chewing on that decision ever since!:)
Anyway, being up there always reminds me how much I absolutely love that time period.
If I could order my time period I get to live in or recreate it somehow without looking odd to my neighbors I would:
Wear darling house dresses accented with the most delicate and domestic aprons:



Working in a kitchen much like these:



I would have listened all day at home working or cooking or setting the dinner table to this:

GO HERE (also the new background to The Happy Homebody)

It is absolutely my favorite, never tire of it, kind of music. Of course, my treadmill choices are much more up to date. You can't really sweat to this music, but you can sure love life to it.

I would go out on dates to do this with my husband (and we do plan to learn this someday though perhaps a more mellow version! BTW this is from a great movie called "Swing Kids" and you may recognize if you look closely the current Batman actor in is early days:)

Or out to dinner dressed like this:

As you may imagine..the costumes on "Kit Kittridge" thrilled me:
But I would also love to deck my children out in full Dick and Jane as well:
My sweetie's job would put him dashingly in this: (though he would hate it because he ALWAYS loves shorts instead)
Truly it was a hard time in history. The great depression was on going and families were learning to make due. I remember my grandma telling me that my great grandmother could take anything and make a meal and almost every meal included homemade biscuits or cornbread. They ate lots when the eating was good, and less when it was not. There were no ways to just come up with credit for something. They became resourceful. Out of their resourcefulness women learned to be true artists. Artists of the home. Making beauty from simplicity and taking great pride in their work. It shows in the beauty of even the simple aprons and the little dresses made from flour sack calico. The music of the time is full of feeling and a deep desire to pull the good out of life and hold on to it. To have a penny in your pocket and a skip in your step as you went about getting by loving those you loved and making life good for each other.
It is a charming time, and an inspiration to me in many ways.

Soon I hope to share my own making due charm of a window covering made from my own thrifted vintage aprons and a walk through a very old personal cookbook collection that was an amazing walk through another woman's life in another time. Coming soon.....:)
We seem to have lost that which was charming in the rush to that which is newer and better and in the end, really does not work as well or last as long. In our wares, our schedules, and even our relationships. Maybe the times to come with teach us to slow down and make life charming again.

Take a Little Scripture, Put It In Your Pocket...Save It For a Rainy Day

There is certainly nothing wrong with that. The right verse at the right time has been a great encouragement to many. But I've been pondering the problem with a pattern of feeding on the word this way. It's like spiritually starving yourself on a few peanuts you carry around in your pocket. After a while your malnourishment catches up with you.

I also apply this analogy to when scripture is "carried" around and quoted for use by the person needing that one biblical quote that makes valid their point in conversation. It can just be thrown out there as emphasis but rarely is it studied for context or meaning. Many times I have been swayed into an idea by someone I respected doing this to me. I did not know the word enough myself to discern their proper usage of it.

As I'm in this new and different mode in my life right now that I spoke of before, I feel the need to purge my impressions and influences down to (1) what God's word itself says and (2) who God wants me as the individual he made, to be. Therefore I'm growing weary and shockingly considering ridding myself of books related to conduct rather than concept study.

For instance, I have long been a fan of Elizabeth George books ("A Woman after God's own Heart" books). Many of the things she has to say are good but they are all on the definitions of conduct for a godly woman. I use to go more to these to find out what I was supposed to be. They have some great example to offer but they really are just another version of looking to others to see what defines a godly woman instead of intimately seeking the Lord through study of His word, for Him to show me the conduct of THIS godly woman (or aspiring one anyway:). I remember one example in particular where Elizabeth George mentions that a woman ought to keep the house so well, and wipe the surfaces of everything before heading out the door each time in order for herself and her family to always come home to a clean house. It sounded great and godly at the time, but really? Is that really what defines godliness? Or is it just the expressed preference of one christian lady writer and a reflection of her own personality. Is the woman who is not so tidy not as godly of a woman and not a "woman after God's own heart?". Hmmm.

Please don't think I'm nitpicking...there are many good things to be gleaned out there in the world of Christian women's books. I'm just feeling the need to get right to the source more. I have found that my understanding is not as great when a women's book tells me "now turn to this scripture here, and that one there" after trying to back up a concept on womanly conduct that she has presented. THIS IS NOT BAD, and I'm not saying it is. I'm looking for better. I'm looking for 100% pure, with no flavors added.

So, I have greatly enjoyed the inductive study method through the tools of Kay Arthur's Precept Study Guides. (You can find out more about this at the Precept Ministries Site) These along and many times buddied up with the wonderful teaching of our Pastor, who goes through large sections, usually books, of scripture at a time, have changed my understanding and comprehension of scripture so much more. For instance my Pastor is in the book of Acts right now so I am using the Precept Study Guide for Acts. God is always faithful to fine tune my understanding of the conduct of my life every time I go straight to his word. It's just starting to feel like getting to the point instead of beating around the bush and having to filter out how one person prefers to do certain things and label them "godly" or "ungodly".

What I do appreciate in Christian writing more and more are books that are conceptual. Those concepts or topics on understanding aspects of scripture or God himself. John Piper, Jerry Bridges, Randy Alcorn, and John MacArthur are just some of the tip top favorite examples. These men have been pouring themselves over God's word in the inductive study methods for sure, for many years. God has opened their hearts with passions for different topics and enlightened their understanding and desire to share. Those are the books I feel I'm not wasting my time on.

So the bottom line is that as I'm asking myself "Lord, who do you want me to be?" it is only one of many questions my heart asks. The others are "Lord, who are you?" or "Lord what does it mean to suffer in life when we know you? or "Lord, what exactly is your plan for humanity?"...and many others. The first question I'm finding is better answered going right to God's word and letting him intimately show me. Who he wants me to be cannot be found in the hundreds of women's books on what a woman should be. Yes, I could read them all and I could probably put together a picture that's true but that would be after I spent hours sifting out what was NOT me and what was or what was scripture and what was preference or personality. Scripture is living and breathing and equip for all teaching and conduct. Why not go right to the source?

Scripture is more than a verse in my pocket when I need it or more than a tool for one person to validate their way of doing things. It is an intimate understanding and connection to God who desires to show us personally where and how and why we should walk. To do that I need to learn in a conceptional and inductive way. Once I've done that, then I can carry that verse in my pocket knowing from whence it came and what it means in context to the whole. It's the bigger picture that will gain my understanding, convict my heart, and light the path for my next step ahead.

It's quite a relief that God all ready knows who I'm supposed to be in him and just waiting for me to come to Him so that he may show me. I don't have to try on a bunch of other personalities for size only to find them uncomfortable and stifling.

I'm Getting Older and Coming Into Myself Unashamedly

I have felt strange the last few days. It's probably got a lot to do with coming down off the high of the weekend. Now, today it's raining and there is something about the rain that opens a spring of ongoing thoughts in my head. So lookout....here it goes.

I've just about given up on blogging. I've asked myself why. Myself answered pretty quick. I'm tired of many aspects of it. I'm at that point in my life when I really long for deep relationships with people who really know me and STILL want to be my close friend. I feel more bonded to my husband than ever and find him the closest friend I have. As the years have gone by there is far less pretense in our relationship and I truly can be myself and speak my mind. I've often wished I could run a blog that way. It's not as easy as that. Many people are really good at just posting how they are doing or what's going on. I like that too but my huge compulsion is to speak my mind and be who I am which is far more dangerous. Sometimes people don't want to know who you really are. They may not like the things you say, or the way you say them. They may not think what you talk about on the blog is appropriate for discussion and they certainly come from their own life perspectives which will in turn, interpret what you say in a way you never saw coming. Is is possible to find unconditional love in the blog world? No, I don't think so. True friends are the ones you can hug now and then and sit down to tea with. Still, meeting new people is so fun and I've enjoyed bogging for that. The fact is though, they don't really know me and I think I need to stop expecting blogging to be that social connection in my life. It's a world where everyone is putting their best foot forward. It's really truly an outlet and not an inlet. The whole true art of it is to do what I've held back or tried to work around...being yourself.

I'm coming into myself in a way I never have before. I'm wanting to more true to those I love, to God, and to myself. There is no room in trying to compare yourself or pattern yourself after others in that, or even to keep up the show of being your own best foot all the time. I've tweaked and twisted my blog to protect myself from some effect of what others think or may do with what I've shared. I have not been the same since I've locked this blog down. I felt like I had been locked down. Trying to run two blogs, one that I can talk on and one that I have to filter is driving me nuts. I came here to be myself unashamedly and not to be what was acceptable to some. I came to share my life, as many do, but also my thoughts on life which are my own.

I guess what I'm saying is that I want it on my terms or I don't want to do it anymore. Blogging is a different art in that sense because it's much more vulnerable than any painting or song. Those arts can be critiqued for their singularity, but a blog puts all of you out there for others to do as they please with. Really, it's not a very smart thing to do. Some of us are compelled to write to the point of it being a need. That would be me.

So, this is really going to bug all of you who have to change it back on your side bar, but I'm opening the blog up again and really don't care what comes of it. I'm tired of letting others orchestrate it and what I chose to or not to talk about my life. What happened was definitely done to me and my sharing my heart on what the Lord has done in my life is not something I'm sorry I did. I'm sorry that some decided to meddle and disturb my mother with it though. I'm not going to let myself be punished for their bad decision to meddle.

I'm also in a strange place spiritually right now. Everything is great in my life but I kind of feel like I've been spiritually coasting for a long time. Like you just came down from the grade and your speed seems it's going to keep you sailing for a while but you actually find yourself slowing down sooner than you think. Even having a passion for Eternity in my heart can make this life a little weird. I guess with the political and spiritual climate I've kinda felt like "let's just get it over with shall we" or "just hang on till it's over Alicia". My apathy aggravates me. It's not a feeling of hopelessness or depression at all, it's more like a lack of fire to produce anything substantial. I guess I've been feeling spiritually blah. No mountain tops in sight right now. I feel like I should not complain, everything is good in life. I just feel the need for a Spiritual espresso...grande or tall please. Wake me up to something Lord! Move me. It's obviously time to get into the word. Yet, at the same time I don't like my life being full of emotional spiritual ups and downs, so that's not what I'm asking for. I'm like a soldier begging for a mission. Aware that the small work everyday is important...I desire a challenge and feel way too pensive.

There has to be a song for this.

Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm all about being real more and more in my life. Not about impressing anyone. Not about censoring myself but about becoming someone authentic. The hard thing about that is that not all of life and reality is sweet and pretty. Not even for the believer. To get to the mountain we have to go through the valleys, big or small. Even that is a huge spiritual analogy and my goal is for even more of the mundane everyday authenticity. I'm starting to get down to the bottom of my thoughts, scratching the end of the supply of genius and wondering "Where the heck was I going with this?" There has to be more to sort out, I just can't seem to get to it. Perhaps the clouds today are seeping into my brain.

Practically ....The Happy Homebody is going back to a cooking and household ideas blog. I'm taking the lock down off this blog. I'm going to be who I am from my spot on the planet and not let the world frustrate me for being so. I'm going to seek authentic relationships with people who are comfortable in their own skin and are shooting for eternity with me. Imperfect as we are....marching on ...coming into ourselves and what's really going on in our heads as we learn how to navigate this temporal pilgrimage. Anyone with me? It's okay if you really don't even know what the heck I'm talking about cause I hardly know myself. I came here try to sort that out. The blog world is just feeling a little stuffy to me and I think it's time to open some windows people and let some fresh air in. Spring clean your brain and find an original thought in there somewhere. Take a deep breath and feel that you're alive with passions and ideals and not anxious to just be marching in a matchbox of humanity all saying "yes" and "is that so?" while in your head your 20 miles away trying not to show it.

When "How DOES She Do That?" Bogs You Down

I've been hanging out at the school a lot today. Princess has a noon Easter picnic I'm here for and I decided to give myself a "day off" of sorts and enjoy the Internet in the computer lab for a while. I REALLY look forward to getting my computer back. I was just reading Money Saving Mom and thinking "ahhhh, I really need this resource!"
While there I found a great new blog I want to check out more when I DO get my computer again. It's called The Prudent Homemaker. I like that she tries to live off of what she has more and that her recipes are categorized as well by seasons of the year. I hope to do that more in the future.

However, skipping over to her blog just sent me off an emotional cliff of sorts from building thoughts the last few days.

I've been tired since coming back from the science camp with Princess. It was so fun but I was only away from the cabin of six girls for 45 minutes each day and the second day my 45 minutes were spent coloring the props for their little skit they all get to put on while there. So, I was quite tired.

I arrive home wanting so badly to pick up my projects for spring but having NO energy and somewhat of a head cold. I start feeling this mounting pressure in my mind of all the really great things I want to do. Here are some of mine:

Finish staining the fence

Hoe up the garden

Expand the garden by digging up more ground

Sand the play structure and stain it too

Sand the deck and stain it (replace the two bad boards)

Have the girls plant their personal gardens in the half barrels

Build the steps off the back of the deck

Move the stepping stones to where they now need to be

Put boarders on the grass

Dig up the yard the dog destroyed and re-seed it

Level out under the play structure and prepare it for pebbles or sand

Oh, I won't go on and bore you!

Those are just my outdoor things.

Before I left I spent a week doing outdoor things. The result? My yard looked better, my house looked worse. I was bad about dinner making and exhausted by eight.

Lately I have been feeling the days are shorter and shorter and shorter. How DO some people do so much and categorically document their doings as well? How DO some women cook from scratch, nurse a baby, plant a garden, school their children, sew their clothes and whatever else superhero mom stuff they decide to do? I love gleaning from their ideas but really, HOW?

The Lord speaks to my heart by this time and that is really what I wanted to share. I recall this little song I learned as a kid and I don't know what it is or where it's from but this is the part he brings to mind:

"we all have different talents,

we all have different gifts,

we all were fashioned out to fill

a special little niche" (at least that's how I remember it:)

I remember that the only solution to life is to let the Lord lead you from one thing to the other. It all comes back to simplicity. Asking what He wants of me today. There are so many great things I want to do, learn, accomplish, experience and so on, but there are very few things he has in the day for me to do. That is the reality of it.

I truly believe that this feeling is part of the curse of our stunted lifetimes. I believe we were given a drive born out of the creator himself to do, create, accomplish and experience an eternity of things. All of these involve his creation, ourselves and each other. We are SUPPOSED to want to do so much. Yet, the reality of it is that here on earth, we just won't be able to. Again, I look forward to that in eternity. This is why reaing Randy Alcorn's book changed my life. Somehow I grew up in a Christian home not really understanding what eternity and heaven would really be. When we remember that, we can let so much go and be more focused on God's mission for our alien journey here. I have long since wanted to put a cute sign on my home that says "This is a tent, it's not my home". We are only passing through and with limited resources of many kinds. Our brains cannot learn enough, our money cannot buy enough, our time cannot produce enough. The greatest gift is learning to be okay with that I think. The greatest joy is finding what God has in the midst of it that IS for us, each and every one. Because when it's something GOD has for us here on this earth, we WILL have the knowledge (from Him), we WILL have the strength (from Him), we will have the funds (from Him), and we will have all that we need according to HIS riches and HIS glory.

So, if you are feeling like I have been the last few days and you just feel like you don't have enough or do enough, remember with me to ask for your portion and know that's it's enough because it's from Him who gives fully and who holds more for you down the road.

Carry Your Story, Loose Your Burdens

I've been thinking a lot this weekend. You can imagine, the type of thinking you start to wish you could just stop with a switch. Well, I did, I took a long afternoon nap.

I've been thinking about the Christian life. I've been thinking about this verse:
(forgive me I don't know the reference)
"Let us throw off every burden
And the sin which so easily entangles,
and let us RUN with endurance
The race that is set BEFORE us."

Notice the verse does not read like this:
"Let us gather our rocks of guilt and shame,
Let us put them on our backs and tie up our feet with falsehoods,
and let us hobble backwards as much as possible
All the days of our lives."

I know, it's ridiculous isn't' it?! Yet, it's easily done. This is how:
"Let us throw off every burden"- what are the things that burden us? They are guilt and shame from the wrong things we have done. Maybe Christ has forgiven us but we have not forgiven ourselves. Perhaps they are wrongs done against us or bitterness that collects and is not cleaned out of our hearts. They can be fear of the future and pain of the past. They are heavy collections of what has gone wrong and what we fear MAY still go wrong in our lives. They can even be non-sinful things that have just gone wrong for us in life. They can be loss and misfortune or temporal distresses the Lord has allowed to take place. They only become a burden when we keep carrying them ourselves. He intends for them to make us strong but if we carry them as burdens we will be weaker and even stunted. We will also not be focused on Him and what he wants us to do from there, we will only see the burden in our hands and the tears that fall upon it.
What are we to do with them? LAY THEM ASIDE! Throw them off. They have no place on the backs of the followers of Christ and not because of us but because of...well, I'll tell you what because of in a minute.

"And the sin which so easily entangles"- What is the sin that entangles us? When I think of entangling I think of secrets and lies; falsehoods spoken from and against us. I also think of idols that can even be ourselves or others that we put before Christ and serve above or in place of Him. They trap us, they trip us up.
What are we to do with them? BE FREE OF THEM! Not allow ourselves to become entangled. Not allow anything to take the place of truth and freedom in Christ's redemptive work in our lives. Entangling gives me the mind picture of lot's of little things that become big things and cause hurt, mistrust, pain and grief. We are to avoid them with truth and Love. Our result will be joy and peace. We do not do this for us, we do it because...well, I'll tell you what because in a minute!:)

"And let us RUN with endurance"- To run is not only to move forward, but to move forward quickly looking neither to the right nor to the left but straight and quick to our goal. There is no doddling, no staying in the tangles and burdens and no walking aback to pick them up again once we laid the down just to remember what it was like to carry them. No remembering of them at all except in testimony of the glory of He who freed us from them. We are to RUN! How do we run? We carry on in the will of God in joy and freedom and we delight in the steps that we take and the energy and strength the Lord gives us from himself to make them. We do not run for ourselves, we run because...well, I'll tell you what because in a minute.:*

"The race that is set BEFORE us"- What is before is never defined by what lies behind. It is however a developed story along the way of what the Lord has done for us along the way and why BECAUSE OF THAT we are able to press BEFORE US in joy. "Look what he did back there! My burden is gone and he made my path more beautiful and gave me more strength because of it!" "Praise him and let me share with you!" "You can let go too, and you can run with endurance because of His goodness!". You do not run back to examine your burdens and consider picking them up again. That would shame Him who took them from you so that you can run before in freedom. Yet, you also do not feel shame when you say what they were and that His work has taken them off of you as you press BEFORE. You continually testify what makes you run straight and strong and to mention that you may need to tell of the entangling and the burdens but you DO NOT take them with you for show and tell! They are gone and at the feet of Jesus. You do not do this for you....you do it for ....

Have you got it yet? YES! YOU DO IT FOR HIM! He alone allows us to lay aside the burdens and lay them at his feet. He alone detangles the messes we make in our lives so we can run ahead. Yet, even in that, we do not run for ourselves, we run for Him! We testify for Him! We focus on Him and He does not disappoint. We make the decsion to RUN, we do not wait for the mood to hit us or the feelings to push us ahead. We just do it. (isn't that ironically a Nike comercial slogan?) We also do not pray, and I know we do this, "Lord HELP me forgive this person becuase I know you want me to Lord". I don't ever remember reading a scripture that says to pray that the Lord would help us forgive, it does just say to forgive. It's a decision also and we are to just do it. On the way the gifts we find along the way are the fruits of the Spirit: Love, Joy, and Peace being the main ones from which the others flow. Love, is above all else for it covers a multitude of sins. Sins we hold over ourselves, and sins we hold over others. Love is the minister of burden lifting and detangling. We can NEVER BE out of the will of God when we are showing love in His name.
To forget these things, to forget Him who has freed us; to take back up our burdens or not to drop them at all, to leave our feet in tangles, to freeze out of fear and not put our feet forward not only to doddle but to RUN, is to loose focus on Christ. The author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set BEFORE HIM, endured the cross. So that you, so that I, so that we, can RUN. So we can feel the breezes of life hit us in the face without shame for what lies behind us and without fear of what is yet ahead. He who holds us does not rest. He neither sleeps nor slumbers. He is intent and intimately aware of the details of our path and He desires that we RUN BEFORE for Him. We are not to argue with him as to what we still feel we aught to have to carry. That is called guilt and there is no room for it in his race. We cannot say "Lord, I thank you for forgiving me of this boulder but I think I deserve to carry it still because of the wrong I did you". "No, he says, I bled so you could lay it aside but more than that, you will not be able to RUN BEFORE as I want you to, not for you, but for me, and your burden would remind and condemn you along the way. Therefore, you do not get to decide to carry it. I tell you to lay it aside. You need to obey me. I love you and know what is good for you.
There is no room for walking backwards in the Christian life. By throwing off burdens you are free to shamlessly declare that you had them, that they are gone and that God has made you free. By refusing entanglement you keep you feet steady and prepared to go forward.

We live in a burdensome world of sin. I think that the reason Jesus wants us to run before every moment in the light of his redemptive work is this: if we stand still or meander back hording our burdens as our own or allowing our feet to stay entangled we not only become non-productive in the work of Christ, but we stand the chance of becoming consumed the longer we stand still. Any message beside the one that is from the Lord telling us to lay them aside, is a message of deception and it will allow those burdens to grow and those tangles to spread.
I personally don't want to waste any time in my life when I could be RUNNING BEFORE.....
FREE with a story in my pocket but not a pebble on my back.

(this is my last post for real now as my computer goes out tomorrow morning. feel free to comment, i will take the moderators off so you can leave them and I will try to check in from my neighbors till the computer comes back)

Lord Help Me I'm Eating White Again

We are big whole wheat and sucunat people. I have not had the grocery budget for wheat berries and sucunat lately though. I feel the guilt each time I make the kids cookies with white sugar and flour.

Today was different, I felt a wave of peace about it. One big thing is moderation which we should have anyway. I know some people use just sucunat and say they don't eat sugar and I was thinking as I was making cookies.. um, yeah, you do. Sucunat is a sugar, but yes, it's healthier. If we really go good we would cook with black strap molasses because that is the healthiest form of sweetener you can use.

The fact is, we have to learn to be moderate people. That is what I want to learn to do. Nothing this side of heaven is a cure for anything. Many choices make our lives better by feeding our bodies what they need. Right now I just don't have the budget for it though. However, I do have the money for fresh fruits and veggies! That is what I choose to use it for instead anyway. On the treats I need to learn major restraint and using sucunat can actually give me an excuse to have more than I should. Knowing it is really not good for us, but a real treat, helps me moderate myself and children almost better.

I do hope to have it in the budget again later on. You go with what God gives you. You work with what ya got. You let the guilt go.. You show self-restraint. You exercise when you can. You consider everything a gift from God and you use it wisely.

I try to tell the kids that the fruits and veggies in heaven (and if you read Alcorn, you know we will be eating in heaven as the scripture says we will feast) will be as they were meant to be, so good you would not want sugar.

They look at me weird.

I know, broccoli as good as cookies...it's hard for me to.:)

This Just Came To Me

For some reason I was pondering free will. Am I the only one who just starts thinking about these things? Anyway..
I have been really enjoying the music of Chris Tomlin (as my playlist surely indicates) since being introduced to the Louie Giglio DVD messages . I was pondering the joy I have when God grants me a little growth in my understanding of how big he is, and how intimate at the same time. While pondering this it made me wonder why God did not just reveal himself to mankind. Whey does he use the written word, the bible, and the past revelations written down as well but spoken long ago by the prophets. In essence, why does he not just speak down audibly to mankind and say "HEY! I'm here! I made you and I do care for you!"
I mean really, would that not just make is so much easier? Then there would not be anyone doubting the existence of God or any of those sayings like "well, I'll believe it when I see it. "
I know what you may be thinking...cause my brain does the same thing. "Well, he did it this way to grow our faith in the unseen" or "It brought Him more glory by doing it this way". Or something else I'd love to hear if you want to share. Yet I then began to realize why God could not revel himself this way. I think it has to do with free will.
I started to imagine if the heavens opened up and God spoke to us and the result would be one thing..sheer terror. I think God knows there is something in us as his creation that would have no choice but to respond to him if he approached us directly. Even our thoughts on God as believers is proof of this. As Louie was talking about in one of his presentations, we go about our day and begin to forget about God and make Him small just by that alone. We make him small and make us big. (how wrong we are!) Imagine if we struggle to absorb his greatness as those who believe, how small or non-existent those who do not believe must see him!
At the cost of loosing himself in our eyes, the great breather of the heavens, keeps himself from us directly for the sake of our free will. Only by his revelation through the words inspired by him and written by men or inspired by him and spoken by men, or the birth and Death of Christ (which was in essence the closest we have ever gotten as humanity to God himself and yet he had to lower himself entirely to be revealed...interesting side note), have we heard from God. This along with the mystery of election and the work of the Holy Spirit working in our hearts is what draw us to Him.
If he opened the heavens and spoke to mankind, we would all fall on our knees and worship. We would have no choice. It would be the response of the created to the creator. He wants us to want him. Why? Because that brings him more joy and he exists (as Piper so keenly reiterates) to embellish his own happiness. Let us remember that this is not a selfish thing as it would be with men, but the very existence of who he is by nature and we only benefit by him seeking his own happiness because we are part of his happiness. Can you wrap your head around that? I love working on that one..it brings me such joy when it use to frustrate me until I started to understand.
Do any of us build a robotic husband programed to love us at every turn? No! Why? Because we want to be loved by the will of another, or loved by choice so to speak. By the decisions to want to rather than a programing to do so. To allow us to want Him reveals our realization of his greatness and partnered with the nurturing of the Holy Spirt is a harmony of loving glory.
Every man on the earth would acknowledge the greatness of God if he revealed himself directly. He knows we could not do otherwise. He prefers to win our hearts. Does that sound like a tyrannical God to you? And yet, he does not need it from us either but wants it. What a romantic! What an emotional side of Him. He is looking for depth from us, a seeking and desiring of him. He knows he could have each of us in an instant, devoted and obedient, and yet he restrains himself longing more for the few who hear his gentle voice.
Wow.

Yet, he also says that he will not restrain himself forever. Once he does though, it will be to late for those who have not chosen to hear him.
"at the name of Jesus EVERY KNEE WILL BOW, of those who are in heaven and on earth and under the earth," Phill 2:10

But to have heard and trusted in him, there will be no sweeter moment in our existence. The old things shall have passed away and behold, new things have come!
Can't wait.


So, now on to my other question of God. Remember that I have these with no doubt but complete trust...I just look forward to finding the answers to them!:)
If God is only full of righteousness, as He is, then how can he have created even the possibility of evil? Nothing exists outside of Him, so where did evil come from? Even if the devil is, as we know from the word, a former angel who wanted equality with God and therefore was cast out of heaven with his angels, where did evil itself get it's start so that it could be manifested this way?
It makes me think of Lewis and his allegorical use of the term "deep magic".
See, I know there is an answer, and I know that God knows I cannot handle it right now, but it's great fun to stretch my spiritual thoughts anyway. I think he delights when we do as long as we are not using them as empty human arguments against Him which is the greatest foolishness we come up with.
His thoughts are not our thoughts so I just have to wait for His explanation of some things.

The New Year's Commit-It List

btw-my keyboard seems to not want to type the letter "i" unless I work hard at it. So, if you catch it missing, you will know why. It's bugging me to fix it each time.

As I mentioned before, I wanted to do goals different this year. I wanted to commit to the Lord some things he has laid on my heart to shoot for.

1. Lord, I commit to you a desire to know your word better. Both in context and content. I long to really feast on truth this year.

2. Lord, I feel a great burden to grow as a wife. I have been married for nearly 12 years and have been so distracted with a decade of babies and toddler years. I love the new season of life I'm in now and want to put Rick first and get to know him better this year. I commit this desire to you and ask you to give me focus and practical wisdom how to do this. I also ask that you would grow my heart toward him and let the things that distract me fall away.

3. Lord, I commit to you a desire to disciple my children through this next year. Practically in the ways that they are developing their godly world views. I long to be deliberate in planing some of the ways to do this and more so being open to seizing the moments as they come. This desire is related to #1 because I am sure that knowing your word more will fuel my ability to lead them in your truth.

4. Lord, I have a joyful mission to make this home a haven this year. Not by spending money but using the resources you give me creatively. I desire to be diligent in the hours you give me and not waste them but use them to clear the board for family moments when everyone is home. I commit this desire to you and ask that you give me the strength to persevere.

5. Lord, I commit my health to you. To do my part to make wise decisions in that regard but to also not become consumed with wrong motivations and the idol that health can be in our culture. Help me remember that anything I do to be more healthy is for one purpose alone: to glorify you by being better equip to bless those you need me to serve, and to maintain a balanced cheerful mood that is so effected by the every day health decisions I make.

6. Lord, I commit to you my desire to stop reading into other's motives and thoughts. I see this as a hindering sin in my life. Help me do what it says in Colosians and mind my own business. Help me be a friend when I need to be and leave the rest to you of what people may or may not think of me. I desire to be absolutely obsessed with your perceptions of me alone. Thank you that you are faithful to me in this regard.

7. Lord I commit to you a desire to become more resourceful and a good steward of that which you have given. To work well with money in our budget, and learn to make or grow what I can. May I not try to take on more than you would have for me but find balance in what to do or not do.

8. Lord I commit to you a desire to continue to share the gospel with the many unbelievers there now are in my everyday life. Allow me to just speak what you would have me, to just be bold, and above all, to love people you are seeking to save.

Thank you for the prospect of a year to grow in you, but help me not to hold onto even that more than I do to you. Thank you that your work on the cross shadows over all I hope to do this year. Let me remember "it is finished" and let it thunder threw my soul again and again with it's complete perfection and promise eternal.

My Random Brain Sparks

Had a lot of thoughts yesterday. Can't remember them all. I was out and about and they would just come to me.

The ATM machines are killing me. Every time you figure them out they change. Every store has a different one with a different routine and because they update them, the rotation of changing machines seems to be frequent enough to create a new learning experience every time I shop. I felt like a bad stand up comedian yesterday when commenting to the cashier about the new question at the Target one: "Do you want that all on your card?". My first thought? "Um, no, you can pay for part of it!" Then I was annoyed by the new question issue itself. What else will the machine want to know soon? "Are you wearing blue today?" "Did you enjoy the last movie you watched?" "Are you happy?" "Did you spend too much money today?" ...... my brain obnoxiously just kept going.........................

Christmas Clearance has become a spiritual experience. I remember a few years ago I was fresh off the trail from reading the "Left Behind" books. I found myself halting from buying any Christmas clearance because I was absolutely sure Christ had to be returning soon. I think that was the year my dad was really sick and I knew he was going to pass away soon so it seemed that the whole world would surely end as well.
Then, last year, I survived that tragedy and my spirits were up more. I decided to buy some presents on clearance and in a way it was a good idea. The only problem s that you take a big risk as to whether the gifts will be wanted by the time whatever child you are buying for will still have that interest. Plus, I got tired of storing things in my closet all year (we don't have a garage).
So, this year I went with the intent of not getting anything that was not a steal. As I looked around and absorbed the hum of humanity taking in as much as they could for the next time they all celebrated I felt strange. I wanted to say really loud "How do you even know if you will be here by next year?" "How do you know the next Christmas is promised you?" "So much can happen in a year!" "How can you hoard for today what is not promised you for tomorrow?!" It reminded me of the verse about the man who stored up all his barns full and felt satisfied and prepared and then the scripture says "you fool, don't you know this night you life is required of you?" It's a little depressing on the surface, and I don't mean it that way but it sure helped me not to overspend. I grabbed a few puzzles and doodle pads for 75 cents each to keep for when the kids are invited to birthday parties. I also could not resist a Chip and Dale mommy sized pair of james for six bucks. I never get character jamies and I love Chip and Dale. It was so cute, my girls both came in my room and said "yeah! Chip and Dale jamies!" and I said "aren't those cute! They are for me!" and they got the cutest jealous, but I love you, fake frowny face. I think they have never seen me wear a character jamie before.:)

I'm Amazed At the power of Facebook. I just reconnected yesterday with my old team leaders and a few teammates from my Honduras Teen Missions trip back in 1991! (Thanks Tony for coming by the blog and commenting!) The more I'm on Facebook, the more amazed I am that you can go back and follow the trail of so many other people as they have gone off and lived their own lives. It's rather foreshadowing of heaven when we reunite with the Saints and hear what God did in their lives. You also realize what a small world it is when you start to find the people you know connected or connected to random people you don't know but it shows that they know people you know. Does that make sense? It's been a thrill for my husband too since he was such a social bug at The Masters College. He has more friends than me but I'm okay with that!:)

I'm thinking commitment over resolve. I've been thinking about resolutions and I've come to the conclusion that I suck at them. I want more to commit some things to the Lord that I know I'm discontent in a good way about. Those things that the Holy Spirit stirs me to work toward a victory in through Him. So I've decided to make a "New Years Commit It" List. This also takes me to my knees as apposed to trying to stand tall to "think I can" when sin cuts me at the back of the knees with a bat every time. Makes me think of these words:
"Not by might,

Not by power,

But by MY SPIRIT...says the Lord."

Zechariah 4:6

The Power Of Perspective Part 1

I've been thinking a lot about this. You know how sometimes concepts gather in the bucket of your brain one little drop at a time? Well, this one has been dripping for months and I'm thinking' it's getting near the top and wanting to be poured out.

Perspective is such a powerful thing. Now, you may think I'm referring to the perspective of looking though the eyes of faith and having joy in circumstances of life and all that, but I'm not, although that is a great topic for any blog. No, I'm actually talking of physical and psychological perspective.
It's random...let me see if I can just get going and well see where I end up together.
Part One:

First I've been pondering on the great perspective of God.
Picture yourself standing in a field. Slowly, you lift up into the sky and see not only the field but the lands about you as they slowly form into lots and properties divided by fences or roads. Further on the borders smudge into patters of green and brown, maybe some lakes appear but it all starts to be sections of color hue instead of defined human dwellings. Even further (perhaps you feel like you're on a mental google earth trip:) and huge bodies of blue appear. The brown and greens gather into smaller masses that become visible as continents. Now weather patterns appear and smudge out major sections of the land. Further back the prominent colors of white and blue appear and the definitions of the earth's sphere grow smaller as you fade away. Now it is beginning to change shape as only the sunlit side of earth remains visible and the rest fades into darkness. Speeding up now you whisk past stars and moons until the earth is just a lit spot in the distance. You can guess the progression until you are staring at the massive Milky Way galaxy. God can go even further back than we can define. So, this is where I'll stop.

The more amazing part is this:

From that outer perspective you know the workings and makings of all matter. You saw it on the day it was born and know the very patterns and common sense (at least in your mind) of it's makings. Beautiful clock work. You know the names of all the stars and celestial gatherings and bodies. Now you focus your attention back to earth. You begin to zero back in.

The view is of course just a rewinded order of the view from when you left. But now, as you zero in, you see all the men of earth. Like grasshoppers covering the earth.
Is. 40:22
"It is He who sits above the circle of the earth,And its inhabitants are like grasshoppers,Who stretches out the heavens like a curtain And spreads them out like a tent to dwell in."

Further in you hover over a large city like Los Angeles. The bug analogy works so well as there is so much coming and going. Masses of humanity moving too and fro all wrapped up in their own business. Amid the buildings you see a concrete slab with skittering movement back and forth. It's a group of boys playing basket ball. Your eyes meet one. We come closer and know the exact number of hairs on his head. (Matt 10:30). You hear his thoughts and are aware of the very functions of his brain. Every synaptic moment you oversee. You see inside the core of his being and know the very workings of his inner organs. Every time his heart pumps you hear the sound. You know where he is healthy and where his body weakens. You see when his blood count drops and when outside threats make their way in. You know exactly what he had for lunch and how his body is breaking it down and using it for energy. More than this, you know his every thought and motivation. You have heard every one and taken note of it. In fact you were there when he was born and greater still, when he was conceived. You knew in that moment exactly what characteristics he would have in both personality and appearance. You heard his first thought before anyone knew he was having them, and even he does not know what they were. You know every path his life has taken and every one it will take from that moment on. You know what day his body will stop working. You are just as intimately involved with his death as you were his life beginning. You know all this and as you back out again from the scene, you know the same amazing and intimate detail of each one of those boys there. Even if man were to hear thoughts, he could hardly handle the scattering thoughts of ten men. Yet, you can hear each one and comprehend it, and furthermore you knew what it was going to be before they conceived it. Greater still your perspective becomes as you take in the details of humanity in the whole city. Thoughts, intent (Psalm 94:11) pulsing veins, good and bad health, pregnancy unknown still, cancer unseen, love attracting, anger dividing, deception and good deeds, trusting you and shunning you, believing and blinded, working and resting, eating and starving, joyful and anxious....you see it all. Not only this, but zooming out, you see all who walk upon the earth with such intimate detail. Each one you created with care and saw in the warmth of the womb. You alone heard the first beat of their heart. (Psalm 139:13) Man could never be so acquainted with himself, let alone another in this way and yet you are so intimate with all of humanity. So great is your love and care for man that you went to your greatest pain to save those who would let you save them.
You who are so acquainted and understanding of these "grasshoppers" along the surface of the earth, are just as acquainted with the working details of the universe. You do not have to move focus from one detail to another as man does and therefore not attend to all at once. No, not only can you know like no other through your perspective, you can know all instantaneously.
YET! Neither are you bound by the boundaries of time as man is! You can see all that is and attend to it in every detail in the same moment you see all that was from the dawn of time as it is known, till the end of it.

____________________________________________________________________
Because I am unlike God, my perspective is small. I make the habit of thinking His is too, even without realizing it. Just by existing in the way I do. Even my pondering and writing about
it, as I have, does not even comparable to the reality of the greatness of God. Still, I want to stretch my brain constantly out of it's "grasshopper" mentality to remember that my perspective is modest at it's greatest moment.
More on this later. Part two is my thoughts on the complexity of man's perspectives.
In conclusion:

If we could understand remotely the hand we fall into when we submit to the sovereignty of God's perspective, we would ache for the joy of doing it again, and again.

Aprehension About Thanksgiving

I am distraught. I just wrote this whole long blog and was in blaring tears by the end of it and blogger lost it. I feel numb now. How do I pick it up and try again? I don't know if I can.

I grew up not celebrating things. Kids thought I was a JW. We had no Christmas tree and I had no birthday cake or presents. My parents in short grew up in families where presents where given but there were MAJOR issues when it came to actually being a loving family. I think these days put a bad taste in their mouth so they went as far the other way as possible with us. This was a mistake too but what do you do when you're a parent trying to do the best you can and still deal with your own baggage. They both had a lot of baggage. I'm absolutely certain I don't know the half of it all.
All I knew is that I could not understand why we didn't celebrate things the way other people got to. I would wake up on Christmas morning and lay in my bed wondering what wonderful family fun everyone was having. My dad would read the story from the bible over breakfast but that was it. Perhaps this is why I've developed an acute radar to legalism and tend to error on the side of having too much fun and sugar. :) I also grew up with no sugar and no white flour so don't get me started on my "finger gagging my mouth" attitude when people become so self-righteous about their purist ways either. Oh... better stay off that rabbit trail. The one birthday I do remember when I was five or six, my candle was on a plate. A plate. Melted to a plate. I blew a candle out on a plate. That was the last one I remember even having a candle. So, forgive me if I don't want to go down those trails again. I'm a passionate believer in moderation and even though we humans will fail at keeping it, I would rather keep striving for it than the alternative.
There was one day out of the whole year that was special. One. It was Thanksgiving. My mom would cook the big meal with it's southern flair (my family is from Indiana and Kentucky with roots in the south). Turkey, dumplings, cornbread stuffing, green beans with a spoon of bacon grease, 7-up salad, sometimes yams, a big green salad, and pumpkin pie. Oh, and that ridiculous can of cranberry sauce so lacking the originality the rest of the meal had. My mom would plop it out like jello onto a plate and then slice along the can impression lines. :*
It was a good day. My dad loved the food, my mom knew he loved the food and put her heart into it. The house would be clean and my dad would light the wood stove. There would be candles and music and warmth.

That day as I always knew it died when dad died. Last year I did all the cooking from scratch. It was my first time since we always went to mom and dad's for Thanksgiving. It was kinda "their holiday" since it was really the only one they ever did. When Rick and I were engaged we had our first Christmas in my bedroom with a little tree. I was not allowed to put it in the living room. Funny, because after Princess came, they started having a tree (they started with a few mini ones with lights around them and then worked their war up to the traditional one with ornaments and everything). I try not to think about it....more baggage. I'm sure I'm giving my kids their own baggage. As long as it's different baggage right?! :* Oh, dear. Anyway... I kept myself busy with cooking so I did not have time to think about the change. And it was at my house so it was very different. Thanksgiving as I had known it no longer existed and I seemed to be focused on a new version of it that was distracting enough to get through. I do remember just wanting to get it over with and hated that I felt that way about it. There was no alternative though. Probably the next morning one of the first things I said was "let's get the Christmas tree out!". I was anxious to move on. Christmas was "ours" and that was normal and comforting. It had not changed because dad had never been into it. This year my mom wants to have Thanksgiving back at her house. All of a sudden I'm panicked about it. I don't know if I want to sit around the table and feel the void. I'm proud of her though, because I know she does not want to even more than me and she is being brave to make a big step. Even that scares me. Will I have the energy to be strong for her? It means ignoring my own feelings to do so and I think I'm more scared of having to do that than giving into them. It takes more energy to push down pain to be there for someone else than it does to give into it and release sadness.

Scott will not be with us this year either. He is only coming home for Christmas. So there will be a double void and I just don't know if it will be too much.

Thanksgiving was dad. Mom was in the kitchen all day and dad was outside with us usually getting out the guns and doing dome target practice. When the grand kids came, it was them following him around the yard saying "Papa?" this and "Papa?" that. Pushing them on the swing out back in the tree, raking leaves, just being with him. He hardly ever stopped for life. This day he seemed to. What do you do when that's gone? I feel like the little girl on "The Grinch" only my heart is singing "where are you thanksgiving, why can't I find you? why have you gone away?"

Change is hard. Sometimes you cannot change something. You can only re-define it. It can never be what it once was, it has to become something new. You don't like the new. You hate it. You wish it would just go away completely but the world around you says it's still there so you try to work it out. You try to make it something new and special for the kids. You wish they could have had it the way you had it. You don't want them to have it this way.


I may dread it again this year. I may be glad with it's over. I may not be able to apologize for feeling that way. I may not be strong enough. I may not know what to do with myself. I may cry. I may try not to cry. I may be awkward the whole time seeing my mom try not to cry. I may make small talk. I may hate the small talk. I may walk outside and only hear the wind and wish I could hear the familiar scuffing of work boots coming up behind me with some new ingenious invention to entertain the kids on this once lovely day.

I know what I will do. I will be thankful for each one I love with me now. I will also pray for hearts akin to mine.

Blogging Makeover Inside and Out

I've been blogging for many years now. I have noticed how complicated blogging can become though lately. I want to take on things but then come to that point where it's just better to simplify. I've also got some new outlooks on blogging after some disgust with myself, some life lessons on my heart from God, and some observations on the trends in blogging.
So, on the outside, the blog just got simple again. I put the blogs that I actually do still go to from time to time, though even my blog reading time has shortened a great deal.
On the inside, I have a new outlook on blogging. I want my freedom back so I'm scrapping the blog themes except for the Saturday one that I'll get to when I have a relevant report. I'm also resolving to tell life how it is from my perspective, things I'm learning, or things we are doing and let go of this great trend of blogging to convince people who come by of anything. I'm a very passionate person for the the things I believe, and when the Lord moves me in a certain direction I take it on fully and tend to want everyone to follow. I'm learning to take some steps back and realize that He is working on me and my family and the rest is not my job. I have had a hard time the last few months sharing what we have been going through in life but trying to keep the delicate balance between sharing and blaring. I think there is a lot of blaring going on in blog land and I'm starting to tire of it myself. It has made me see it in myself and I want to wash up before moving on. I was getting so fed up with it for a few weeks I even considered stopping blogging all together. I was so annoyed with how opinionated people were and then realized that I'm easily perceived as opinionated myself. The only way to avoid the soap box is to share but not preach. So, that's just going to be the new trend here at SFE. Thanks for bearing with me as I try too often to start some revolutions. I will still be passionate about what God is showing me, and what we are up to, and I think I should be, it's our calling, but I'll be use more "me" and less "we". This may be the only regard when it should be "all about me" instead of "all about we". Does that make sense? If I lost you, I'm' sorry.
I'm so tired tonight! I had other thoughts on this regard but I'll have to try again another time.

The Real Mr. Incredible Was No Einstein

Rick was reading bible stories to the kids last night from an old vintage story book that my dad use to read to me when I was little. I usually would take this time to have a moment to myself in the evening after homeschooling all day. Now I'm sitting with them and just started a crochet project to do during our family time. It's so nice to have had my sanity through part of the day to have the energy for family, I'm loving it.
Anyway, Rick was reading many stories but one of them was of Samson. I guess I really just don't think about the story that much but really, have you ever thought about that story? It really seems like a fable in many ways. I can even swallow the Jonah (ha, ha) story better than this one. Don't get me wrong, I believe it's true for one reason, I BELIEVE the Bible to be 100% truth. Those thing that seem impossible are tiddly winks to what God is capable of. Just for fun though lets review the real Mr. Incredible for a moment.

-He captured 300 foxes:

Really, how DOES one do that? It's not like you have 300 fox cages on hand and holding 300 foxes at a time is well...ha, impossible! Further more, how is it that there were 300 foxes available for him to capture!? As if this were not bizarre enough, consider that he tied their tales together. Can you imagine how you tie 300 fox tails together without them running off? After all that, the poor things had their tails lit on fire to run through the field. Poor little varmints! Why didn't he just SET the field on fire? Who knows.

-He killed 1000 men with a jawbone of a donkey:

Okay, so you've hear it a hundred times if you are a kid who grew up with these stories. Stop though..... a thousand men!? When was the last time you were in a room with a thousand men? How is it that they collectively could not overpower him? I mean, it's not like he even had a gun or a bow and arrow which would make them want to step back and hide. He just was swinging a mean thing. He must have been absolutely incredible to not just stun, not just frighten away, but to KILL all of those thousand men with a large bone in his hand.

-He pulled out the gates of the city and ran 20 miles with them.

Have you ever seen the defending gates of old cities? This is not your garden gate variety. These are heavy and strong. Getting them out would be amazing alone, but he didn't stop there and just throw them on the ground, nope. He lifted them and carried them off. Not only so, he carried them for 20 miles! Think of a place that is 20 miles from you. I don't think I'd want to carry my groceries 20 miles, let alone city gates. This is crazy power!

-He killed a lion with his bare hands. Well, nuff said on that one.

However, Samson was seemingly dense. What God gave him to be strong in, he was amazingly strong in a most superhuman sense. The enemy knew his weakness though, and he used it to full advantage. Of course we know all these things were in the plan of God but still, it's something to take note of and watch out for.

Not only is he dumb enough to fall into the influences of the women on the very side that God is not pleased with, the Philistines, he is as gullible as a child with her.

She tries to get his secret of strength, he lies. She yells "Samson, the Philistines are upon you!" and he wakes with a start to defeat them. If this happened once, any smart man would get that this woman was up to betraying him. Nope, not Samson, he let's this happen three times and worse than that...he gives the truth in end! Did he not have an idea that this might happen to him?! Did he not get that "if I do this, then she does that, then I get attacked" was becoming a pattern? Though there is great sadness in what happened to Samson, one feels for a moment that he "duh!", should have got a clue.

Then I think about myself. How often I let the world get me and look back and say "duh!" to myself. How often I get swept into temporal thrills and forget my eternal goals. How quick I exchange the power of the Spirit of God for the tiny things I want here and now. Our pastor has been preaching on the Holy Spirit and I've been excited to understand him for the first time in my life. It has changed the way I pray. In the morning I pray for myself and all of my family one by one and by name:

"Lord, may the Holy Spirit do work in (my, or the other person's name)'s life today. May he have victory today over (my, or other)'s sinful human nature and work in their (or my) life and heart to the glory of God the Father."

Why this prayer?

Because I tend to get wrapped up too quickly in the part I play, or think I play in the work of God, and I forget that the bible tells me that anything I do is in reality the work of the Holy Spirit of God himself at work in me. I also then forget that I need to be instep with that Holy Spirit as he works to move in my life, and obey his promptings on the temporal vs. eternal issues that come up. They can be so small. With Samson, he thought he was just having a conversation with his girlfriend and yet, the course of events that followed were huge.

Conclusion:

The power of the Holy Spirit wants to work in my heart, mind and soul for the glory of God. In big amazing challenges, he can overcome. In little seemingly mundane decisions, he wants to use his power and strength to bring about the glory of God too. I need to be alert to stay in step. I am certain that if I did this more, I could avoid some painful humbling events in my life. And since doing this itself is not a work of mine either, I can pray that the Holy Spirit would tune my ear to his voice, for I certainly am born not to hear at all.

Note: Incase you did not notice, I'm not doing blog themes lately. I have not had that much time to blog.