Reality Blogging Day 2

This will be in bullet point form to save me time and feed my desire for random journaling!:)

• I admit it, I was dreading today because of all the housework from being sick three days. I tried to sleep in but when no one else does it's like a session of torture dozing.


• Coffee...blogging....ah, this is better and I am awake after all. Kids are watching cartoons and enjoying that one box of junk cereal they get a paycheck.


• My head is still clogged as can be and it's been five days now.


• I'm feeling like Jerry Lewis in "the Stooge" when Dean Martin tries to wake him up and he is having a hard time getting going. "here we go....here we go...here we go..." but it's so hard to get going.


• My kids seem to be endless pits on Saturday's for food. I think it's because they are home and taking it easy so they think more about food. They keep coming in and asking what they can eat. How will I ever make it through teen years on this budget? I actually bought my first flat of Ramen noodles which I don't believe in just to fill the cracks on days there is no good thing to give them.


• I get up and go into the kitchen. While feeling better yesterday I managed to grocery shop and make dinner. I did not manage to put away all the groceries and do all the dishes so there was hardly a void anywhere to set my cup of coffee down.


• I was randomly thinking about manners. I've never understood why we follow something as proper when it came from the mind of one human. Who gets to decide what it culturally appropriate or not? After all, they are different in different places. Yet, so many people become nearly religious about manners. I've somewhat failed my girls in pushing manners too much besides the obvious ones I would send rumors about town with. Really, who decides them? I decided I'm rather rebellious.


• Pondered the blog a lot again and was annoyed how much it was bothering me. Told myself to not over think like I do everything else. Wondered what was going on in the heads of others. I do that too much.


• Turned on Johnny Cash and dug into the kitchen. I feel some weird kindred to Johnny Cash. His struggle between conviction and humanity are something I feel in my own skin. Pondered that for a good log while while slicing that 4lb of lunch meat with the slicer I did get to borrow from the neighbor. I was scared to use the thing. I have a fear of blades and getting digits cut off. I think I was rather loudly announcing to my children to not come within three feet of me while I was using the thing. All of a sudden I remembered Johnny Cash's brother got fatally injured using a saw. Suddenly I wondered if I was listening to the wrong music for the job. Swallowed.


• Had the kids do some help with their rooms and the living room. Princess never fails to be so deadly hungry when it's time to work.


• Switched around some mattresses to prepare for the foster child bed to be put up in Superkids room. Gathered up all the things the girls needed to sort though in bags and baskets. Vacuumed their room while they played.


• Watched the lead up stuff to the Kentucky derby (I was born in Louisville) and remembered my girlhood love of horses....wow, they are so beautiful. Did housework in between. The kitchen was still a work in progress.


• Called my mom to check on her and was on the phone at least an hour. I was saddened by how much she has been put through lately. I ask God to give her relief. It's been such a hard two years. I wonder how she can take all the circumstances. I start to ponder how much I feel her age creeping up on her. I feel the weight of sorrow and burdens on her. I long for happier days for her.


• Ponder whether over thinking and intense analyzing of life is a side effect of grief. I don't remember thinking so hard about things or feeling so bold about what I think or feel before Dad died. I try to remember what it was like to not be so intense. Was it an innocence that is gone forever now? An ignorance is bliss kind of thing? I ask myself if I'm just now starting to grieve in my own way. Like some hyper sense is kicking in and it's driving me nuts.


• Consider how the internet brings people so close to each other. Facebook, blogs, twitter. Is it really a good thing we are all so connected? My mother use to say that too many women in one house is a bad thing. The trend of women blogging is so hype right now and I start to wonder if we've all put ourselves in a virtual dwelling. I start to wonder if I want to be just another shouting voice in a crowd or a calm and reflective poet in the corner of the room. I'm leaning toward the latter.


• Superkid and Lilo go out to play and come in soaking wet. What was that all about? Go to the bathroom and strip please and thank you for the puddles in the house. Don't run the faucet outside as long as you please thank you. Do you know daddy pays money for that water?


• Daddy... I miss Rick a lot today. Can I just have a bunch of girlfriends as loving and easy to get along with as my husband? I love this man. What will I ever do if I loose him. I think of my mother again. How did that happen? Could I handle that? Where would I ever find such a kindred spirit again. I hope he gets home soon.


• He calls and says he's done and I tell him I need garbanzo beans and french bread. Oh and I've been craving a beer. Oh, sounds great he says. Nothing heavy I warn, I do have to go to TOPS on Monday and beer is usually on my no, no list.


• When thinking of something fast and easy for dinner since I still had half a kitchen to work on and was on my second load in the dishwasher, I remembered something. Years ago, my friend Donna and her husband invited Rick and I over for dinner. They had two young kids and we had none at that time. We got there and the dinner was iceberg bag salad w/ garbanzo and kidney beans served with a French Bread loaf w/ butter. For dessert we had gram crackers with icing spread on top. This made a big impression on me. My mother hardly ever had people over but if we did it was a big dinner. I was surprised that this salad was all we were having. I knew they were on a tight budget though and was more and more deeply amazed at their generosity to have us over even though things were tight and they did not have a meatloaf or roast to share. It made a permanent impression on me. I've always tried to remember that. I knew they wanted to be with us because we were friends and that was what made the occasion. So, I repeat that dinner now and then because it is a good memory for me. So, we are having gram crackers and icing for dessert. It's a good reason to use up the two half full containers of icing sitting around. I remind myself of my TOPS again and will be having one little piece.


• The girls go in their room after dinner and rock out to their loud Christian girlie music. The modular shakes. Their neighbor friend comes to see if they can play and they go outside to play basketball together. The evening is balmy and clear. The green leaves in the nectarine tree are vibrant and the birds sing the sunset into play.


• Oh, and there was a stray dog in the neighborhood today that the kids played with and begged to keep. I told them he would find his way home and they were sure he would not. I told them to go in and wash their hands with soap and water and not even talk about doggies to me again. I considered taking them up to the chew spot on the house left by Ebony. They would only say that this dog would never do that, he was too sweet.


• Rick and Superkid take a shower and their silly boyish banter rings through the house. A deep voice and a little boyish voice chatting back and forth. I feel so blessed to have a son.


• Emma put on shades at dinner (not sure where they came from) and made cool faces. They all got laughing and Rick had to bring them all back to focus again and again.


• I wonder if I'll ever get everything done, look at the clock which by now says nearly eight and realize the answer is no.


• I realize that this day is coming to an end. No matter what over thinking I've done, what was accomplished or left for later, what the kids gleaned from me or picked up from me, whether things are perfect or hard, whether we have a day of struggling or gliding by, God is purposeful and He is truth. Though I may be distracted by the tossing waves of humanity and it's drama, he is a rock..steady and firm, dependable and sure. All else seems to swirl around in unpredictable chaos but in the middle is the certainty of His wisdom. It is still and I long to be still and rest in it.

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A Bit Of Reality Blogging

I decided today to do something different with the blog for a bit and see what happens. I've wondered lately what direction to take my blogging in. I've wondered if anyone comes by much anymore. The only reason that makes me curious is because it takes time to blog and I honestly do love discussion, sharing and comment conversation. I like to know that I'm not just spewing out into space. Some people don't mind that, I enjoy feedback and banter. There does not seem to be much of it here. I've had a hard time with that. I've asked myself what makes those blogs that have zillions of people reading and responding? What is so interesting about them? And yet, I want to be myself and why does it bother me so much that this blog is not that. I feel like some kid in grade school not in the in crowd. Then I laugh out loud in my own head...because I never was! Welcome home Alicia. Welcome home.

The only reason I long for it is because I do so love to write. I love to think, I love to be real. I love to get things out, hash them over and chat about them. I so enjoy may other blogs but I'm more of the writer than the reader. I've been sorting a lot in my head about the blog and still have not made some final decisions. Some days I want to drop it, another I just want to dive into a new topic of thoughts and hear some of the readers as well. I wonder if my brain is just by itself way out in left field or if I just don't say it quite right so that anyone knows what in the world I'm talking about here. Or, I just have very quiet and blog shy readers. Who knows what the answer is. Oh, and thanks Trish for always coming and ALWAYS chatting with me! I love coming here to hear what anybody chats about and appreciate those of you who back talk me:). I understand that I'm an unpredictable blogger and send some people spinning with all the changes. I'm not a good candidate for consistency at all.LOL

So, for the next few days I'm going to just Reality Blog as I call it. That way, whatever happens I've kept a journal of my life.
Day One...Today.

Today began hard. Princess got hurt and bit her tongue literally (though I would have preferred figuratively) during the school prep time. In her anger she loudly told Lilo not to come in the room and bug her (also Lilo's room). The problem was that I had told Lilo to go get something she needed for school and when she came back out without it I asked her why she did not have it. "She told me I could not come in!" "What?" I asked. Lilo proceeded to tell me what had happened. I was frustrated with Princess and had to tell her, this was not just her room so she had no right to tell Lilo not to come in. Of course this happened way too close to the time to leave. We were in the car frustrated and Princess got grounded from playing with friends this evening because of her snipping at her sister. Then Lilo begins to cry because that meant they could not play basketball like she had wanted. It was a horrible ride to school. On top of their issues I could hardly talk from a still sick throat, my head was a sea of slush still, it was my heavy cramp day, and all the meds I'd taken being in bed sick yesterday had given me a UTI peeking right during the great hour of "get ready for school". I had ran to the cabinet to shove down some dried cranberries and a glass of water during the drama and rushed to my bathroom to down three Advil for my cramps. Of course, it did not kick in at all till after I had dropped them off. And we all know, there is no corner in the known universe reserved for the mom who feels like crap. Nope.
I went home and tried to gather my foggy clogged up brain for grocery shopping. This last pay check took us down to the bottom so I knew I had to be smart on this one and gather all I could for what the budget allowed. As I sat and tried to sort it out I just kept being bothered by the morning and the way it had gone. I hated dropping them off on days like this. I decided it was my decision today where my child was. I felt a burden that Princess needed some time with just me. Not to reward her, but to make sure her love tank was full as I've been in bed sick for two days and she has had no mommy really at all this week. I gathered up my lists and adds, purse and phone and headed out the door.
I went in and told them I needed to sign her out for the rest of the day. They gave me no trouble and called her out of class. She did not seem surprised to see me. I asked her why and she said she thought it was because of this morning. I was glad she affirmed that she needed some time.
We went to Trader Joes first and she wrote down the items and prices while I got what we needed. Total: $42.41
Next we headed to VONS for the specific deals I had found in the add. Foster Farms half chicken breasts for 99 cents a lb. and ground beef for 99 cents a lb. were some exciting sales since meat has been so hard to get at a good price. There was also some pork shoulder for 99 cents a lb which I plan to make into some BBQ pork which they love. That and some dollar bread and pretzels completed our trip. Total: $28.87
Now for Food For Less for pretty much any other non-add items we needed. I was excited to find they had a whole 4lb. lunch meat slab (for lack of a better word) for six bucks! I just need to ask my neighbor to slice it in their meat slicer and then plan to use some for other meals like some breakfast muffin flowers we have not had in a long time. Total: $52.44
Here we stopped for some girl time out at Panda Express. It's one of Princess favorite places. She and I shared a plate of mushroom chicken, noodles, and sweet and sour pork. Her picks. I decided the whole time I was not going to pick topics, or try to talk about life, I was just going to be there for her and let her talk. She talked lighthearted and casual and I think that was just what she needed. Lately there have been so many issues that we seem to only talk when it's about deep hard stuff. A little silly small talk is sometimes important.
Our last stop was for some produce that I had spotted on a Friday, Sat or Sunday only sale. We got a watermelon at 19cents a lb., red bell peppers at 50 cents each, mango's for 33 cents each (bought six to use in strawberry mango breakfast smoothies and maybe some chicken with mango salsa!) ready to go salad in a bag for a buck....cheap thrills, and tons of apples for school lunches. Total $25.06
For a grand total of $148.46... 52 bucks under budget!! That was what I was really hoping for to get those last few things through the next two weeks to make what I have at home work. It seems to be a better way of shopping for me. I get whats cheap, make some obvious meals and then work with the rest by adding one or two ingredients that Rick can pick up on his way home. Or just for another batch of bananas when my monkey of a son eats them all up the first week:)

When we started shopping it was sunny and we were looking for shade to keep the Trader Joes mink cold. By the third store, it was windy and beautiful big dark clouds were blowing in. Once we came out of Albertsons, it was raining! How fun, and it smelt so good! We rented two dollar movies at the machine too which was a fun thrill since we NEVER do that! She walked around sipping her concoction of Dr.Pepper mixed with Sierra Mist that she kept begging me to try out because it was so good. To which I kept making a funny face and tasting it anyway. We had a good time.
We came home and unloaded stuff with just little bit of time before it was time to pick up the other two. It was our secret that she had been home but she made them some butterscotch pudding for after school snack and pretended that I had made it when they got home. :)
So, it's rainy, Rick is due to be done at five and I'll now be heading into the kitchen to make Sloppy Joes, mashed potatoes, sauteed zucchini, salad and watermelon for dessert. Rick called a bit ago and said "oh, honey, that sounds so good!". I just love when he says that.
We plan to veg out and watch "Hotel For Dogs".
And that...was the day. Started hard but worked it's way back around. There is something about the struggle that makes the good times that much sweeter.

We've Put Ourselves In Family Therepy

....and the greatest therapy is laughing at ourselves.

I know, you thought we were in big trouble over here, so you clicked over. See how nosy we humans are!:) Just kidding, I set you up, drew you in, tickled your interest! Bruhahahahaha!!

I'm in a weird mood today...lookout.

Here's the scoop:

Rick and I were very tickled to get one more station when the rabbit ears turned to digital. We only got NBC before so another station was like "yippee! TV!". We were however very disappointed with the CW network. The only shining light was that the Cosby show was on every week day at 11am. The kids were sad they were missing out unless they were on break or home sick. I usually have my lunch or fold the laundry during that time. Rick and I grew up without TV so we have never seen them. In a world where TV is just not family friendly they have been a breath of fresh air.

The few times we were catching it the kids and all of us loved the family humor and so much of it we could relate to. I started to see episodes that just sounded like situations right out of our every day dramas and thought to myself "this would just be good for us to watch as a family".

So, we sent off for Season one through netflix. We made popcorn Sunday night and piled onto the couch. There was laughter all around and especially out of Lilo. She loves Bill Cosby and his funny faces. Princess seems to be lighter in her mood after getting a chance to laugh at the fact that families do what they do and her parents are not just the only ones as she had perhaps thought. Rick and I make cute laughing faces at each other on the Husband/Wife parts and our moods with each other have been lighter.

I remember about six years ago, we went through a very bad time in our marriage. Something huge and our Pastor stepped in to minister to us. One of the things he said after feeding us with the Word of course, was that we needed to laugh together more and laugh as a family at ourselves. That was hard for me to do at the time. It is so true that there is a time to laugh and a time to mourn and I was in a time of mourning for our marriage so laughter did not come for a while.

Now I reflect and think, if you just stick with each other and work things out there will be "laughter in the mourning" (Psalm 30:5- also worded "joy")

With all that we have now been going though with our growing daughter, this laughter has been good. I highly recommend making some popcorn and vegin' out to some Cosby. I think you'll find it fun.

Loved this one. It seemed so familiar for some reason!:)

At a Parental Loss Part 2: New Growth Requires We Abide

Thank you for those of you who said you would pray for us. I have to tell you, I was assured of it last night. The Lord did not let this thing just go on anymore. He allowed us to sit with Princess, though it was not planned out or anything, and just have a heart to heart. What I had feared from having to correct her so much had happened, she felt we were angry at her. In great sincerity of heart I told her that we were not angry at all, but we were desperate. We were desperate that her heart be in submission to Christ and that she would be walking in His ways. I explained to her that to love her, is to be desperately concerned for her. We discussed how parents who leave their children to do whatever they want and act anyway they want are not loving their children as much. My example I used was our neighbor who she knows let's her children eat anything they want. Even if it means they have hot dogs and chips every meal. Her son will not eat a single fruit or vegetable. Princess herself has heard this mom over at our house saying "I just told them, fine, eat whatever, I'm tired of hearing it". I asked her if it was more loving to work with the child to make sure they ate better or to just let them destroy their bodies because it is too hard or inconvenient to battle with them. She agreed it was more loving to make sure they were fed properly. So, I said it is the same with our giving of instruciton. It would be so much easier to just throw our hands and say "do what you want" or "say whatever you want to all of us" instead of working with you and letting your character development bother us enough to guide you properly. To feed your spirit with God's way and not let you starve spiritually.

We asked her to be reconciled to the Lord in her heart. To which she welled up tears in her eyes and said that she had prayed twice for the Lord and nothing happened. To which my heart just swelled with emotion for her. How, well we all know that feeling and I knew it was time to understand what being a Christian was so this is what I said:

"Christ is not a magic button, Princess. We do not just ask for Him to be our Lord and he reaches down with a wand and says 'bibidy, bobidy, boo!' and our lives and behavior are perfect. That is not the way it works.

Have you seen the little oak tree outside Princess? All of it's leaves are a deep green except for the little tips of the branches. If you look close, you will see that the final inch or so of the tree has a new spring green of growth for the year. That means that in a whole year of taking in nourishment, sun and water, that tree has this tiny result to show for it. It does not look like much, but many years ago, that tree was the size of your brother. Years from now it will be the size of the great beautiful oak by the grain mill that is in the 1800's pictures of the original schoolhouse. It did not happen over night. This little tree has to be patient to grow at the pace God has for it to grow. Every spring those little green leaves are a great reminder to me of His faithfulness.

Now, if the little tree had decided it was not happy with it's rate of growth and gave up saying "I'm not good enough so I'll stop trying" and as a result it shut down it's root system and rejected the light from the sun, what would happen to the tree?"

"It would die" Princess said.

"Yes, it would. And that is why Christ told us to abide in Him. He says that if we abide in him, we will bear fruit. We don't read our bibles and pray out of ritual duty, we do it because we long to be close to him and abide in his will every day. We are virtually opening up our roots and receiving the water of life, and turning our faces to his light to feed our souls. Even when the tree does all this, it grows slowly at times. Some years are better than others. But, it will keep growing if it accepts what God tries to feed it.

We are here as your parents to be used by God to feed you. We try to feed you instruction, wisdom, guidance, right and wrong, love, protection, and all the things you need. If you reject these things, it will stunt your growth. You are getting older and are now able to abide in Christ through us and on your own. You can take the time to pour out your heart to God even tonight and ask Him to be on the throne of your heart instead of you. We promise you that if you abide in Him, you will see change in your life. Not overnight, but you will see it. It's the same lesson for mommy and daddy, we need to abide also or we don't grow. You are not alone in this journey but the important thing is to stay on it."

That is kind of the just of it. She seemed to really understand. She was worried that she could not fall asleep praying. I told her that my dad, her Papa, use to tell me that if you could not sleep praying to the Lord was always the best thing to do. Not only does it made you sleepy, but it sends you out on a peaceful note and your soul is at rest as well as your body.

(my little oak tree and it's yearly spring green growth that reminds me every time)

Sure enough, my little girl, who I went to check on in a little bit, was peacefully sound asleep.

I'm Feeling At A Parental Loss

I don't know what this post will become, I just feel the need to sort it out. Perhaps just be transparent so that someone else can know a real glimpse of my life.
It's very hard when you have a child that you struggle to communicate with. One that has a personality that is in some ways similar to yours but in most ways extremely different. Just absorbing the mere scientific fact of different brain processes and ways of absorbing information would be enough to know that some sensitivity has to come into play. Do you have one person in your life who, no mater what you say to them, they seem to hear it differently and get a completely different meaning from the one you intended? Or perhaps they don't get what you are saying at all. That is the struggle I'm in with my eldest. Rick and I both actually. I'm in a struggle and search right now, knees bent before the Lord in it, to learn how to love and communicate to this child in the way that she needs me to.
I was just telling a blog friend that God has looked down and purposed that we are the perfect parents for our children. I believe that with all that is in me. I trust his sovereign plan to use all that we present to her for the good he will work in her life. That he works through us rather that in spite of us. Yet, the last two days I have not doubted this, but wondered how it can possibly be working here. He knew we would have these problems with our clashing personalities and yet he still said in essence "it is good" for us to be mother and daughter.
I love my daughter with all that is in me but I need to learn how to love her better and how to let her know that I love her without ignoring some issues that she needs to work on in her character.
My personality is full of flaws itself for sure. Mine is one of a survivor mentality at any cost. To push through no matter what comes up, to find a way to make it work. I am not a very cheerful person all the time, but I do believe that being hopeful and positive is powerful and it comes naturally to me.
My child is a defeatist. She will halt from trying just from the mere projection in her mind that it won't work or that she can't. She will cry over school work the minute it does not come easily to her. Thankfully, she is very bright and most of her academics have come easy to her and I think that very fact makes her flip out when it does not. I on the other hand, struggled in academics and learned to find a way and push through doing the best I could each time. I tell her all the time that if you give up and start crying, your brain will freeze and you won't be able to sort out the problem. I have to calm her all the way down before we can move on. She flips if she gets one wrong on a test, or her grades are not straight A+'s across the board. When told by her teacher, during their state reports, that she needed to hand draw the outline of the US with her state in the middle...free-hand...she just could not do it! She tried and was so mad that it did not look right and was in angry tears by the end of about ten pieces of paper on the floor! I HAD to let her trace it from a map or we were never going to get through the project!
I cannot tell you how hard this is.
It's hard for me to see her throw up her hands and give up rather than try her best and be happy with that. It's just so not me. It's not her daddy, and it's not what her daddy and I have taught her or exemplified to her. It's like she just can't function a different way.
Another aspect that has been hard is ongoing negative thinking. For instance, and this is just an example: Lilo brought up in the car yesterday that she was so excited about the end of the school year party at the local pool. To which Princess says "Well, I'm just going to be bored because I'll be at the shallow end and all my friends will be in the deep end because they can swim better". I ask her how she knows that is true. She says that last time she was there, all her friends were in the deep end and she was left in the shallow end. I ask her when she has been to the pool with all her friends before. She says this was when her neighbor friend and another girl where there. That's just two people, I remind her, and "your class has 35 students! I don't think they will ALL be at the deep end ALL of the time you are at the pool." It's like she projects ahead and visualizes herself all alone and decides that she will for sure have a miserable time.
Yesterday was one negative response to life after another from the minute she got in the car.
I had a meeting I was supposed to go to at the school and I had arranged for my friend to watch the kids for me. She was distraught that she could not go home and rest, having some time to herself to listen to her book on CD and do her beads. I understood, I told her so, and that I really did not want to go either but that it was important. She started snipping at her sister because her world was unhappy and she got in trouble for that. As a result, she went in her room and started crying loudly so we could all hear her and spouting out various doom and gloom statements of how awful her life was and how she never had any time to herself. Now, mind you, I could tell she was tired. I suggested that she just lay down for the few minutes we had before the meeting. I even offered her my bed so that she could rest quietly without her sister coming into the room since they share a room. I was truly trying to validate her expressed need for time. She not only did not want that, she refused it and went on about how miserable it was that she could not do what she wanted. Tears again. I tried so hard to swallow so many things racing through my head. I prayed for wisdom and for self-control. I felt a sense of doom myself for a moment realizing that this was only the beginning of a long road ahead with h0rmone swings and efforts to be the strong yet sensitive parent I needed to be. I felt at a loss. I thought it best to let her cry it out but asked her to come to the couch and talk to me if she needed to. She just kept complaining and I finally had to tell her to stop. I asked her to be thankful for so much that she did have, and for the fact that I'm trying to be involved in what goes on at the school (I'm on the school site council which decides where the money goes in the school) and reminded her that I did not want to go myself but was trying to deal with that unselfishly as I was asking her to do as well.
On our way out the door she asked if she could bring what she wanted to listen to (the book on CD) with her. I was bothered by this because these friends of ours have three boys and one older girl, a year older than Princess. They homeschool, so this young lady does not get to do much with other girls her age. I asked her how she did not see that that would be rude to go to her friends and then proceed to sit in a corner and listen to something instead of blessing her friend with playtime. She said she really did not think of that. I tried to remember that she indeed sees life from a different perspective. She seemed earnest in this and I could not question her sincerity despite the obvious rudeness it presented to me. So, I accepted what she said and tried to explain how that would be insensitive to her friend.
I was running late by now. I dropped them off at my friends giving her a big hug outside before leaving and telling her that I loved her and I was trusting God to help us through these things. I told her I hoped she and her friend would enjoy the time. She was sulky but went on in.
I got up to the school only to find out that they had misprinted when the meeting was to be. It was not till next Tuesday. I wanted to rave to everyone about how hard I had worked to get myself there and what I'd been through with my daughter to get there as well. I took a big sigh and headed back out to my car. I drove to my friends house and she opened the door in surprise that I was back. I explained while Princess came down the hall (now, mind you, MAYBE 10 minutes has passed since I dropped them off) with a big grin on her face and said "but, I don't want to leave, I'm actually having fun!"
Something in myself just became overwhelmed with exhaustion. I smiled back and said, that I was glad and we would stay for about 15 minutes more. Inside I was not angry, not sad, not anything. I was just wondering how I was going to ride this roller coaster for seven plus more years.
That's all I'm going to vent out today. There is more but it may or may not be chatted on here.
I'm just seeking God and saying "show me how!". I know he is faithful but I feel weary. The other two are so easy going and I sometimes feel that I'm so worn and distracted from riding the roller coaster with one that I have to stop and say "oh, yeah, I'm your mommy too!" They can be up in the morning and everything is pleasant. Then Princess gets up and the whole tone of life changes. It bothers me that this happens. I ask her to be a peacemaker (her daddy has been teaching her that for so many hears) but instead she nit-picks at her siblings and always has some grievance about something. We have not been neglecting her heart on this either. We have been working on it for many years. We have taken her to the Word, and she certainly knows what's right. Yet, I don't want to always be on her and make her think that we don't love her or that she can't do anything right all the time. Yet, there are so many zillions of every day issues that there are few moments when things ARE going well for her. If she has a good day with everything going smooth for her things are great. As we all know, life does not work that way so there are so many moments of trial. I don't know how to get her to relax. I don't know how to get her to lighten up. I don't know how to get her to take things in stride. I don't know how to get her to see the good. I can tell her all these things till I'm blue in the face, and I have, but I cannot make her change. Only God can do that. I just feel overwhelmed with the HOW right now.

If I Would Just Take The Advice I Give My 11 Year Old

Working back into school this week after two weeks bumming and traveling has been a challenge. It allowed for some building issues with our oldest to bubble to the top and explode. I've gone on my knees, Rick and I have talked a lot, and I've employed my creative solution finding juices to search out some practical wisdom.
Here is kinda what was happening:
In the hour or so rush of getting ready for school, Princess realizes that she has left both of her school wearable shoes in the car....THAT DADDY TOOK TO WORK! Now, my mind goes by default to what in the world can I improvise with, but hers goes right to the very fact that the world, is indeed, ending. I try to stay calm and encourage creativity and finding something that will work even just for the day. I suggest some slippers that she has said are too tight. "Well, why don't you go try them on and see if it may just work for one day." She returns saying that they are too small and flop off her heal in the back. "If they were too tight, they would not flop off your heals dear". Still, she is in misery but decides it will have to do.
The problem however is that in the midst of this event, she returns to her room and snips off at her sister about something, and is repeatably disrespectful to me through small responses to the simplest things such as time reminders or "don't-forget-to" 's. She is mad, emotional, frustrated and all together not happy that her world has been turned on it's side. In the mean time, I am trying to stay calm in the midst of her crankiness to me and others but not ignore that it's an issue either.
(This was also the morning, if you follow my facebook you know, that I went to spray Superkid's hair with water in order to brush out his bedhead, only to discover Emma had put shampoo in the bottle and he had to be rinsed head hanging over the kitchen sink before taking off for school)
This beautiful morning was topped off by her injuring herself on the door handle of the car. She just emotionally fell apart. By now, I was feeling sorry for her despite the crankiness I'd received. I hate when she has to go off to school like that.
Ironically I came home to see her tennis shoes in the laundry room. Oh, well.
The next morning was better but when she could not find her homework the whole cycle was gearing up again and she started snipping at me and her sister again. My goodness, I thought, I cannot co through this over and over again.
So, I prayed a lot on Tuesday and thought about what to do.
It occurred to me that her problem was a 50/50 scenario. Half of the problem was the circumstance and the other was her choice of how to react to that circumstance. So, we sat down and told her later, if we can eliminate the first problem, it should ease up the second one. Beyond that, she needed to make sure better choices regarding her speech and attitude with her family and to focus more on bringing glory to God with her treatment of others. Those things that were becoming a problem needed to be done the night before. Shoes? Check..set out. Homework? Check...it's in the binder. What to wear? Check...folded and set out. As well as anything else needed the next day out of the norm. On top of this we added a 30 min wake up earlier time and told her we would try that and see if it helped her. She moves VERY, and I do mean VERY, slow in the morning. Lilo on the other hand is dressed in 10 minutes, packed in five and following me around the rest of the morning with her backpack on asking if she can go out in the carport and skate. If I could just find a medium!!!!
Her chores are also required in the morning so we had to allow room for those too. Her sister unloads the dishes, and she puts them away. She is to feed and water the cats and make her bed. It does not sound like much but there has not been time to get it done.
We tried this and it's working very well.
Then it occurred to me that I need to take my own advice. How many times I don't plan ahead or do the consistent things I should in a day and because of my lack of organization and planning, things go insane and I'm cranky to the kids or Rick. I do the same thing I tell her not to do. I take it out on them when it's really my not doing what I should.
So, I ask myself, what circumstances are keeping me from harmony in my life? I've started to find some.
Wake up enough to be cheerful before the kids wake up.
Clean the kitchen the night before entirely so that breakfast and lunches come together better.
Prep lunches the night before if possible.
Go to sleep at a sensible time.
Stay home and don't run around browsing or wasting time because a peaceful home needs keeping up on.
On that note, keep up so you don't have to catch up.
Think of dinner at about 10 am or earlier. Prep it all day to avoid the time crunch when the kids are home and tired and hungry and demanding.
Plan it so daddy can walk in to us at the table, set nicely, waiting for him.
Don't eat too much so that I'm too sluggish for my tasks, especially in the evening. (or you could call it, eat FOR energy, not against it)
Those are just some on the top of my head right now.

Sometimes answers are just more simple than we think. It's all the magic of forethought.

"Come On Baby, Let's Get Away"

I love exercising to that Janet Song on my Project Playlist , and I truly had a great Escapade weekend!

Today marks 12 years since my sweet fella and I said it would be "forever", and I'm so much more in love with him today than any year or moment before hand. Time makes love better like a good wine. Many people miss out on that because they tire of it before it mellows and sweetens. God knew what he was doing when he said "stick it out, people!".

We headed out on Friday and dropped the kids off with my mom. I was nervous how they would be for her. Even when Dad was alive, they did not take them EVER for two nights. In fact, this was our first two nights away in 12 years. They did great, and I'm relieved.

We stayed in Cambria which is our favorite get away. It was a lovely suite at Cambria Pines Lodge with two fire places and a jacuzzi tub...yeee haw! The GREAT deal he got included dinner with a bottle of wine (Yes, I ordered Fillet Mignon and he a New York steak, baby!) and two hot all-you-can-eat breakfasts. Such a deal and lovely place.

We headed out Saturday for a tour of Hearst Castle since we kind of started that tradition on our 10 year anniversary. We did tour #2 which he had never done and I did when I was about 11 (The main library)

years old. It is the one you get to see his room , the libraries, Julia Morgan's room, and my favorite (drum roll please!) ...the KITCHEN! OH, Yeah! That is my dream kitchen and YES, I (does that counter not scream for you to make SOMETHING!!!!)

DO remember seeing it when I was little. I have loved kitchens subconsciously I think. Oh, my goodness, the vintage beauty of an old kitchen! Old machines, huge stainless steel counter top (ovens and rotissary with the mixer and meat grinder in the background for all that fresh beef right off the ranch hills)

that was about 20 feet by 5 feet in size (are you not drooling by now?). The old wooden cabinet looking iceboxes with old metal seal hinges....oh, my. All the food was for (this is just the pantry..can you imagine the culinary potential?!!!)

the most part, grown on the ranch at Hearst, so we are talking fresh herbs, fresh fruit

and veggies and Jersey cows giving milk to make cheese and butter. Can food making get any better than that? I ask you.

Rick liked his smaller library with it's Greek collection of goblets and vases. It was cozy and inviting. The main library was much more formal but beautiful and well lit with natural light.

Julia Morgan's room was built to her scale (she was very short and designed the room herself) and if you have ever seen it, it's very unique with a tiny staircase winding up to her loft bed area.

Of course it was a gorgeous California day, and the view was spectacular.

We went from there down into the heart of Cambria and walked through some antique stores. Now, most men don't enjoy this venture, but not my man. He loves it. It helps to marry a man who loves history and it's collectibles. I look at the Pyrex, he looks at the coins, books and comics. We had a blast. I found an old Crazy Daisy Juice Carafe that is very hard to find, and he found a comic book and an old Bambi record he says is an exact replica of one he had as a child. It includes a lovely large story book.

From here, we traveled down to Trader Joe's and picked out our lunch/dinner picnic needs/wants. Wine, dill Havarti, German cheese, salami and other Italian meats, a bit of smoked salmon, grapes, bread, and some veggies and a Greek Yogurt w/ cilantro and chives dip. Ahhh.. We headed up to a wonderful new sand dune at Montana De Oro that we picnicked just days before with the kids. From it, you can see all of the coast including all of the Morro Bay area. It was my favorite time of all. We watched the sun go down and the dolphins come in to shore to feed. Breathtaking and unforgettable. We sat up so high that we were warm and windless pretty much until the sun went down and the temps dropped so quickly. I wanted to stay and star gaze, but Rick had a good point that we would be hiking back in the dark since we did not have a flashlight. It was quite a hike back to the car too. So, we stayed until Canis Majoris came out and Betelgeuse in the upper right shoulder of Orion followed by the final star in this perfect triangle which I can't recall the name of.

The next day we took our time and had breakfast and one more run through the antique stores before heading back to get the kids. Rick gave me a beautiful gift of a turquoise necklace and ear rings for our anniversary. It is my birthstone but more than that, he loves me wearing it because of my Indian heritage and complexion. It was beautiful. He did a great job. As if I was not spoiled enough, he let me pick out a Turquoise ring at the antique store to go with it. I think he really likes it on me. I did find one, and love it.

It was one of the best weekends of my life and I wished it did not have to end. Still, we do love our children and it was good to bring them home.

Twelve years goes very fast and I feel as if the next will too. I love him more than ever and in a more deeply and fascinatingly complicated way. It is both fully accepting of that which bugs me, and that which I love and produces the most real and yet piercing passion for a man that will ever consume me.

Yes, I will let him read this. It's good he knows. :)

Poets may write, singers may croon,

Wise men may ponder beneath the moon-

Many may feel in similar way,

Or say better now, what I have to say.

But here is a beating that never will end,

A heart for my endless lover and friend.

From me, happy 12th!
Give me more where they came from.

Love you.

Is It Really "The Happiest Place On Earth"?

We still don't have a computer. After Dell sent ours back refusing to fix it (URG!) we got very busy with our requirements for Fostering and getting ready for a trip to Disneyland!!!

A couple in our church graciously blessed and astounded us with five four day passes for our family at Christmas time. We were so shocked.... I cried. We told the kids on Christmas Eve and I wondered at the time why they were not very excited, as I was. When we were getting ready to go though they were not able to sit still. Lilo was pacing the kitchen with her roller luggage and pillow in hand way before it was time to go out the door. Something occurred to me at that point. Children are such a picture of us all. I thought of their lack of excitement at Christmas and pondered again why they were not elated as they were when we were ready to leave. Are we not the same. God promises us heaven with a ticket bought and payed for by the blood of his precious Son. Yet, we not only do not show excitement, we even forget about it. After all, it's not now right? Now we see the pile of "presents under the tree" and they are the tangible, the here and now, the immediate gratification we so long for. It's the same reason the kids gave a quiet "yeah!" lacking the triumphant exclamations I had expected. They had their presents under the tree for the next morning and a supposed guaranteed trip to ..hello...DISNEYLAND was in the unknown future. We say the same thing to God..."um, I'll take my next cheap thrill here and now please!" Oh, how foolish we are. They also had no idea what to expect since they had never been. They had no maturity of foresight to glean from. If they only knew how that new little toy would pale in comparison to a day of non-stop fun. Yet, we are promised an eternity of absolute joy. We forget, and when we remember, we just can't see the value of the coming bliss, we only see the bling-bling of the present and we run to it because it gives that superficial high. Even Disneyland itself is a difficult thing to come down from. Returning to reality became a longing of mine by the third day. The value and peace of simplicity and every day hard work is factored into our making and actually gives us more joy than adrenaline kicked up thrills. We tire of it quickly and even the most amazing, and most entertaining thrill will need to be topped by something better. Even though I was moved to hear Julie Anderews words at the end of the fireworks show (which is so fun!) and felt my chest swell with a sob to think that my children were given this chance when we cold not have given it to them ourselves, I could not help but see the futility of a child thinking that this wonderful place would indeed make all their dreams come true and be "the happiest place on earth" for them. It is fun, and it is wonderful, and I am so thankful beyond words that God literally gave us this trip through many different gracious and generous hands, I feel the impact of the fact that it is also a "present under the tree" of this life and pales in comparison to the fullness of joy that awaits. So, I thank God for his parental patience with us as His children and his love to give us those gifts anyway at times, and holding back at others. To understand that we cannot possibly know what He holds for us and therefore we foolishly seek such temporal drop-in-the-bucket thrills. I hope my children learn that in their lives. I hope I learn it before the end too! All is enjoyed with open hand, to be taken at any moment without begrudging him the taking because all I have is goodness dropped in the lap of no doing of my own. Nothing is owed me and yet all fullness is promised me. I hope I learn to remember more than I forget. Even that would be seeing things ever so slightly more as they really are. After all, the world is a Fantacyland with wood and paint and special effects. An attempt to create the reality of joy our hearts long for. Over as quickly as it started, happiness fleeting as fast as it came, unpredictable and unsteady. Don't bank on it. It could disappear in a moment and without the Lord and His promises and fullness of joy, we will be left standing in the greatest emptiness we have ever known.

We did have a wonderful time. Lilo was sick the second day and even spiked a fever which frustrated me because we had three weeks of sickness before we left so I thought "oh, no, here we go again and we will have to go on home". She had had a cold, pink eye, and the puke flu before we left. Princess had a fever and cold. Superkid had the puke flu and I got it last right before we were about to go. In the midst of that, Rick and I were trying to get in our CPR and First Aid training, a preliminary walk through and TB test. We are pretty much done with our stuff except for a few toddler locks needed on the cabinets, and a print out of our DMV records. They have 90 days to get us licensed so that puts us being done near the end of the school year.

Oh, I forgot to say that we prayed for her and she was fine the next morning. I think she just got way over worn out. I layed there the night she had been sick and just prayed "Lord, give us wisdom if we need to go home we need to go home but you gave us this trip and if it's your will, let her enjoy the last two days." He did, and she had lot's more fun.

I was ever grateful I do not live in that area though...LA traffic is one of the worst things in the world.

On Borrowed Computer Time

I feel as if I've fallen of the face of the earth when it comes to the blog. I miss you all so much and yet, life without a computer has been good in many ways. The time sucker of wanting to write so much is gone, but the joy of writing is gone too.
It's been good timing, I've been so busy.
Rick and I finished our PRIDE classes for Foster parenting. We are in the process of finalizing the paperwork, Dr. visits, fingerprinting etc. Even if God stopped us here, it's been an educating experience and we have really enjoyed working with people both saved and unsaved. We have made some new relationships that seem as if they will continue on. If we do make it into bringing in a child or sibling group, these support connections with be so great. One couple we bonded with in particular is going into foster care/adopt because they cannot have their own children. We are supposed to be getting together soon. We all hit it off so well.
I put the crib back up and found some great bedding at the thrift store for five bucks. My friend Tricia came over and let me know the bedding was from Johnsons and was originally nearly 200 dollars!!! Wow, score! She use to work there so she would know. I almost forgot how to put the crib together..tee, hee! And! And, it nearly killed my back to do it this time. I'm getting old. Or my back is anyway. Another weird fact to mention was that the hand me down mattress given to us was the EXACT one the kids had and it was a rare one so I was surprised. Who knows, maybe it was ours. So, the crib is complete again and put up in our room. It reminds me to pray for these children whether I get them or not. We don't even know if we will end up with an infant but we are open to a sibling group so it needed to be made ready. Now we are on the hunt for a good hand-me-down twin mattress for Superkid's bottom bunk which is now open for play.
We hope to get to take in a 2-4 year old boy with a possible infant sibling. It's God's adventure for us though, so , we'll let Him write it!:)
The kids are still doing great with school and it continues to be a blessing. I'm up there a lot. Princess is in the throws of finishing a book report and researching for a state report. She is learning the valuable lesson, hard to learn in homeschool, that things are due when they are due, and you can't save it for later because later means too much in the end. It's been hard to see her struggle with this but I know it's important. I was homeschooled a lot in highschool and not learning this well hurt me in college.
Yesterday Lilo had her field trip to see the Monarchs in Pismo. I pulled Superkid out so he could go with us. It was a fun day. Lilo has been sick this week though with a cold and Pink Eye. She started the drops in time to go on the field trip, which she pushed herself to do,but is home feeling rough again today. She has to run to the store with me and then she is going down to get well over the weekend.
Well, I'm afraid this is all the update I have time for today!
Oh, Rick was excited to get to see the bike race come through town yesterday! He is a big fan on the Tour De France and Lance Armstrong so he got a kick out of that. I think when our later years come, biking will be the sport of choice. I think he would look pretty cute in all that get-up. :)
Bless you all! Please say hi! I'll check back when I can to read your notes. I miss everyone so!
alicia

Hey! Stopping In To Say Hi!

I'm at the kids school. School gets out in 20 minutes. I'm hoping to take a few to say hello and give a personal update.
First of all....congrats to Christy and her husband for their new baby! I don't know much except for the fact that the baby is here. Tricia gave me the heads up! I don't get to read blogs either till I get a few hours to crash over at my neighbors and that has not happened yet. Anyway..yeah you guys! I'm so happy for you.

Rick and I have taken 3 sessions of foster parenting classes.

Princess had a HUGE sleepover with three girls from school and one from church. That was exciting....for her. No, really it was fun, we had pizza and played a game and her teacher came, it was great. All the girls went to church with us too...I thought I would never survive getting six girls ready for church but we were.....drum roll please....early! I work well under pressure. :)

About the classes and foster parenting journey....where do I begin!!! Wow, it's been a blessing. It's intense to be trained on what these kids have been through. Last night was our attachment disorder session. Oh, my goodness, it makes you want to save every kid on the planet...now! I have gone through mood swings of self doubt, money fears, fear of people we will be exposed to, fear of the child we take, you name it. I had something recently that the enemy really used to make me even doubt my own parenting skills. BUT GOD!!! Oh, God is good. He reminds me and feeds my mind with truth. He tells me not to fear. He tells me I can trust Him with the details. He fills my heart with desire to give...somehow, to help. Even trying is a step of faith.

We talked to the kids. We told them my history. There are no more secrets at our house. I was so scared how to get it down on the level of Lilo and Superkid but God just stepped in and it all was so simple and came out so clear. I wish I had more time to tell you some of the cute things Superkid said as his brain was turning. We still have a lot of family talking to do. Superkid has had lots of questions. He could not easily fathom the parent who would not care for their child or especially hurt them. It was hard to burst his innocent bubble on that one but until we see the world how it is, we don't feel the pain, hurt and need. I am so thankful for our public school transition for this reason too. It has opened my eyes to need, both spiritual and physical of some children.
They also seemed to understand about my bio-father. It was a little confusing at first. I told them basically what I said here about wanting to honor their Papa by doing what he had done for me. That seemed simple and easy to understand. They are excited. We told them this is a very up in the air type of journey. There is much that will be unexpected and we have to be loving and flexible and extremely laid back to ebb and flow. Thankfully, I think our family, or at least Rick and I are naturally laid back people so perhaps we were made for this type of ministry. We both have a common desire to major on the majors, catch the vision, and then, enjoy life and the diversity it brings. I am so thankful my husband shares this passion as I do, it makes us more of a team. I think my children are developing it in their own way. It's a blessing to see. I want them to understand the huge power of love for people. God knew that and he sent his Son to die from that passion for people. We should imitate his heart.
So, I'm almost out of time. School is out soon and I have to spell check this since I'm awful at it. There is a little boy in Princess class who does not have support much at home and he made honor roll today! I'm taking him a balloon and some new pencils with a congrats note. He is so excited. Pray for him if you think of it today. He has a tough home life.
Hope to be back sooner than later!!

Deflated But Not Defeated

I've come up with a new way of doing things. I really enjoyed meeting new friends through blogging and although my old friends (yes, that's you) are golden to me, I hope to remain connected.

I have shrunk my blogging down to two blogs. The old recipe blog is now my public blog it's called "The Happy Homebody" and her is the link:

http://justahappyhomebody.blogspot.com/ ,and you can visit it anytime. I you would please, change your SFE link on your side bar to this and you can put in parenthesis "formerly Shoot For Eternity". Then when they get there, they will read what the deal is.

This new blog will be for all kinds of random blogging but not about my family in a personal way nor about the journeys we are on now. That will stay here, under lock and key as it were.

So, thank you again for bearing with me.

We know all things have a purpose. I am not stressed, just adapting.

This Has Been Hard

Fortunately my computer is not out the door just yet.

It is with great sadness that I have to say that SFE is having to be a private site. Because of the meddlesome actions of three people in my immediate area who decided to call my mother and leave a message on her machine that I talked about my bio-dad on the blog. She is very upset. My parents did not support me re-connecting with my bio-dad in any way. They told me I was dishonoring them to do so. It was VERY hard for me. One of the hardest things I've ever done because I was and still am sure the Lord wanted me to continue anyway. I was never regretful of that decision especially because of getting the chance to talk to him about the Lord and let Him know I forgave him. Though talking of these things, he was able to forgive his own father. Little did either of us know he was about to die. I never brought my children into any of it, it was something I did on my own. I will never regret it. He lived across the country so I did not fear of it effecting my life here.
Somehow, three people who know my family felt it their duty to call my mother and inform her or "give her the heads-up" that I had talked of this. Unfortunately she did not read the whole post to see that I was honoring my dad Mark by sharing this story. She just was upset that I talked about it.
It is a struggle to be honest and real and sensitive at the same time when blogging. I see no shame in the fact that my story is what it is. If anything..I see the hand of God. I cannot tell you the immense pain this has caused me. I have been crying all of an hour. I have shut the blog down and invited only a few who I feel I can trust to read.
I thought the story I wanted to share of my dad's great sacrificial love to take me and that giving me the burden to do the same was well worth sharing. It is so hard for me to have to change what was good because some people decided to take my heart sharing and put it to distressing use. I am in shock.
I don't see how anyone can think that calling a woman and leaving a message on her answering machine that her daughter blogged that she had a bio-dad was helpful. If they had been with me a while they would have known that I've mentioned it before. No calls that time I guess. I knew what I wrote was something my mother could read. However, if she had not been so rudely alerted, she may have read the whole thing and seen where I was going with it. Anyone who truly knew my mother and her decisions to not talk about the fact that Mark was not my blood father, would have known better. You don't call a widow and do such things...let along LEAVE IT ON HER MACHINE! (i'm sorry, I 'm so upset) Little do they know that two other people do the same and she has to come home to three such "heads-up" messages. It's unbelievable.
My mother and I differ greatly on the story of my life. She believes I dishonor my dad by saying he was not my blood father. I see more greatness in the story as it truly is. I have always been grateful that God saved me from a bad situation many years ago. This is my story as it is, I cannot help that it's a fact and I'm not ashamed of it. I'm not very good at saying things other than what they are.
Being in a church where your parents go is sometimes very hard. Many Sunday's the only thing people say to me is "How is your mom?". I become the go-between and it was that way when my dad was alive. "I can't get a hold of your mom, is she okay? I left a message." I swallow it over and over again and try to be patient. On the flip side is this, someone treating me like a 12 year old in a home that I'm not in anymore instead of the 32 year old woman that I am with a life story. Instead of calling me, they have called my mother. It's patronizing. I DID NOT, nor would I have EVER say anything disrespectful of my mom and dad. If anything, I let it be known that my bio-dad was not a good man.
I have never been this honest on the blog before, and perhaps I feel I can be so now. My mother and I see things very differently when it comes to the story of my life. She was even hurt when I told her that I informed Princess that I had a bio-dad just a few months ago. Princess is 11 now, I felt she should know. My mom kept secrets from me till I was 19 years old. I did not want to live my life that way because I saw that in Christ, there was no shame, only the amazing redemptive story of his goodness. I forever have the haunting false guilt that I should not talk about this, or I should pretend it's not what it is.
We cannot pretend that things are not what they are. We can deal with them graciously, as much as possible. We cannot however cover up and hide because of past mistakes, the goodness and the greatness of the working of the will of God in our lives. That story needs to be shouted over and over and over and over. That is what I believe to be true. That is what I wanted my blog to be. Imperfection made into beautiful redemption, and the story and stories of my life. I will no longer be able to spread that as freely as I would have liked.
I ask myself, how do I shoot for eternity in this? I will have to pray for many days to get over some great hurt and anger, and now I have a very big rift between my mom and I. She has never wanted me to talk about her past to anyone. I think I had started to forget that again because I get to caught up in what God has done through it. There are times when you have to pray God will help you honor your parents even though you do not agree with them. I am truly trying on this one. I shoot for eternity by telling what God has done through the good, the bad, the ugly. I forgive people and do not hold it against them, even when it's hard. I pray lots. I take great care to show my children Christs love despite hurt.
My story is what it is. I wish I could have just been free to say what it was.
I appreciate your prayers. I'm very sorry to put you all through this extra step. I feel completely deflated. There is only so much sharing one can do in life. I definately have a great desire to share and so if it's to a shrunk set of trusted friends...so be it. I do always try hard to do it right and my husband feels that the way I said what I did was not wrong. So, I have to let it rest. I just need to get over all this crying. The point that I had a bio-dad was important to understanding the whole story of my growing burden for children without a home.
Thank you for still coming.
If you have me linked on your blog (and I thank you) you can feel free to let anyone know of the priviate setting. I am open to allowing invitations after I can filter them. Just email me happyhomebody@gmail.com

A Testimony and A Temporary Goodbye

My computer has to be sent to Dell to be fixed. The screen detached way too early. IF they give us a fuss, we are cashing in our insurance on it and getting something different. I'll let you know my evaluation of their helpfulness!:)

So, this is my last post for a while unless I can let my buddy/neighbor let me blog over at her house a little.

Have to share in brief what God is doing in our lives. It gives more meaning to the poem below but is not related to the situation I alluded to through the public school. That won't ever be detailed here to protect the privacy of some. This is so related to my heart right now in that poem. Thank you for your kind words regarding it. IT is my dream to send them all to a Christian publisher someday. I need to learn how to get a copyright on my blog too, does anyone know how to do that? Do you know, when it's the right poem I cry when I read it myself. Not because I think it's good, but because I hear my deepest heart and it's like that piece has been taken out and written down forever. That is why I love poetry.

The story:
About a year and eight months ago my dad died at 54. Most of you know that. What you may not know is that my dad was not my bio-dad. I was born to man who had many issues but the main one was alcohol. My mom became a Christian and married Mark when I was five. They had grown up together from kindergarten. Mark took me in and loved my brother and I as His own. He never had his own children. (on a side note, I re-connected with my bio-dad over the phone and through mail about four years ago. He came to the Lord but was a very young christian with lots of life baggage. I thanked God for the chance to talk to him. It was good for us both. IT turned out that he contracted Lue Garricks disease the year my dad was diagnosed with stomach cancer. He died very quickly in June of '06 and my dad Mark died in May of '07. God has never been so near to me as he was that year of events. He became my heavenly Father in a new way. They were both the same age, born in '52. )
When he died I was overwhelmed with many different emotions. One of them was the bottled up reflections of the effect of him taking me in. I was given a deep and real burden for adoption. I wanted to do what my dad had done for me. In honor of him. I shared my burden with Rick. He did not share it. I think I've blogged about this before...can't remember.
I don't believe it is God's will to do something when he has not laid it on both hearts. I also did not believe it was right to convince my husband of anything or to make him feel the burden I felt. I knew God had a reason and I decided the burden must be for some other use. Over a year went by. I never brought it up once.
A few months ago Family Life had a few programs where they were encouraging Christian families to show Christ's love through adoption. I was totally in agreement. I had all ready been in the public schools with my kids and my heart for unsaved children was growing very full. I loved meeting the kids at school and giving them smiles when I was in the classroom or just dropping off and picking up my own kids. Many kids now days are eager for just a kind word and a smile. It gave me such great joy! There were some I saw who I knew needed more at home and wished I could help a child myself. What a perfect way to advance the kingdom, I thought. We had a neighbor boy with a tough situation in his home come over a great deal and his mom told me it was hard because he would come over to our house and come home and ask her why his dad can't play with him like Rick does with the kids, or why he can't have siblings, or why he can't have a real family. It reminded me again how I wanted ot help. Well, then I remembered Rick's feelings and realized again that this was not for us but that maybe God wanted me to be involved in coordinating such a ministry in our church or something many years down the road. Or just keep reaching out to the kids at school or the neighborhood when I could. I forgot about it again.
Then... this past December I heard an advertisement on Christian radio that was encouraging Christian parents to consider foster care. I was beginning to wonder why God was nagging my heart if it was not a direction that was open to me.
I decided to email the local foster care department and just ask for information. I wondered if there was some way I could help. I just told Rick I had sent off for info for that reason and when we started to talk he was a totally different person. He really felt that we should look into helping a child ourselves and have the optimum goal of adoption if the Lord led us to. I was shocked but tried not to show it. I wondered who he was and what someone had done with my husband. He asked if we could pray about it right then and there. I said....sure! About an hour later we got an email that said that the beginning meeting, the one you need to go to to get started was that night locally. Amazing, we both thought. We called Trish last minute and she was kindly able to take our kids that evening during the meeting.
We both were amazed by the information and the testimony of grown teens who came to share with us their foster experience. I won't get into the details of the meeting, but it was very good that we went.
We are now in the process of registering for the classes you need to go through to be licensed. It is a 3-4 month process.
We don't really know what God has for us. We don't really know where it will lead. Now that the kids are in school, I was really hesitant to even think of starting with little ones again, but he seems to be changing my heart. Like I said, who knows. We are just willing to be there if He needs us. It could play out in so many ways. We appreciate prayers for wisdom. A lot of people have fears with using the state systems, or county. I have learned that if God leads, I do not need to be afraid. He will not burden my heart to serve and then punish me for doing what he told me to do. Rick and I are limited in our monetary resources for these things so the foster system is best for us because what we do have is time and love. We would need their help with the other part. That is why we are going that route.
And, like I said, we just don't know beyond the next step. It could just end up with a huge road block and we find a purpose along the way for what we went though to prepare. You never know.
The poem though had to do with the fact that I've learned not to say I won't do something. These are things I have said before (at different times):
I will never have my kids in public school.
I will never homeschool.
I could never adopt or take in a foster child, it would be to scary.
I would never move to (the city I live in now:).
I will never let my children read Disney books. (ha, ha, this one makes me laugh now. i was kinda a snobby literature lover)
There are other things I've said that God has not led me actually to do yet like:
I could never give birth overseas.
I could never move out of state.

I really need to learn this lesson of being open and ready. God has to have a good sense of humor is all I can say.

Unclenching My Spiritual Fists

Where will God lead you? Where will he send?
Will you be willing or will you defend-
The way that things are as you think they should be,
Will you be willing? Will you be free?
Should he stir you to move in a place on you own,
Or call you to stretch in a way you've not grown,
Is there something you've said you won't ever do,
If he asks, will you joyfully do that thing too?
What are you keeping? What do you hoard?
What is it you think you cannot afford?
To loose it, to give it- where do you stress?
What should you hand over, or maybe confess?
Have you looked out at water you say you can't walk?
Are you willing to take back and swallow your talk?
That stated "I'll never", "I couldn't"- "not me",
Will you do it for Him who can make you free?
Free just to trust and gladly be led-
Free just to be in His hand and be fed-
Free to delight in HIS perfect plan-
Free to shrink smaller the opinion of man-
Free to stretch out and see where it leads,-
Free to adventure and plant many seeds-
Free to find out what faith can procure,
When you thought you're plans were ever so sure.


Written just now. Why?
Because I came home from picking up the kids from school with an amazing swelling in my heart. Something so huge was revealed to me as to one of the many, many reasons I was called into the public schools. I cannot tell you the details. Just praise God for me and pray for more grace to give out and wisdom in the future. I think of Louie Giglio's words in his DVD "Indescribable" "He does not think like us, He does not have a brain like ours. He is working on a canvas bigger than we can ever think or imagine!" I saw the hand of God today and it told me "for such a time as this, you are here". I have had other great confirmations in the past few months. This was a big one. I was honored to be there for my Jesus at the moment I was. I am blessed. I want to bless more. I want to give like I have nothing to loose. I want to live like I'm not afraid. Those are some restated lines in one of the Chris Tomlin's song "The way I was made" I think it's called.
I was so scared to take this adventure. Now I wonder what He has next for me. The poem is written to myself. I want to let go of my small thinking and let Him fill it with His great plan. I want to learn to stop saying "I will never do...." or anything like it.
I think instead I should ask more and more "What cha got for me today God!? I'm willing."
Other conclusion from today:
People are God's treasure. He is intent on their journey. He is moving and working. Sometimes there is pain. There is also great joy in it when His hand is there too. He longs to bring those he can to the aid of those in need. People are his eternal mission. They should be mine too. Always.

Forced Into First Gear

This has been an odd Christmas. Rick called in sick on Christmas Eve because he had been up all night coughing. He drank warm drinks all day and I made soup. He was due to do a lot of singing that night at our church Christmas Eve service. He changed some notes to make it easier on himself and made it through very well. By the time we got back from the service, I was feeling rough. It was one of those tired feelings where I could have just layed down on the chairs and gone right to sleep. The dim lights didn't help that either:).
Rick was better Christmas day, thank the Lord, because woke up with my throat barely able to swallow liquids and my neck so sore from swollen glands. I sat on the couch with a throw blanket and warm drinks while Rick helped the kids with their presents. It was still a pleasant day though.
I had to go to bed from 1-3 in the afternoon. Rick helped Superkid build some lego's and the girls were busy with horses and new art supplies.
We were due at my mom's for dinner at 4. I tried hard to rouse myself. We had a good time celebrating Princess's birthday there. It is our tradition that the second half of Christmas day is dedicated to her birthday.
Usually the few days after Christmas I'm motivated to clean up the mess and help the kids organize their new things into their rooms. Instead I'm down for the third day. I'm concerned it's heading into a sinus infection. Rick is getting very little sleep because his cough gets so bad at night. Superkid has a lesser version of our cold and all of the kids has been coughing. It does not help that they have been eating poorly for a while. My wonderful mom brought over some carrot, cabbage, and Swiss chard chicken soup yesterday. That stuff is good in flavor and is a power boost for sickness.
I'm anxious for it to be over so I can make some headway in the house but in the meantime I'm catching up on some Hero's on Netflix watch now while the kids play their "new" retro NES games found for them. If there is a time for Nintendo it's when mommy is sick and daddy has to work.
One thing I know about myself is that when I've been sick and finally get better I get this amazing burst of energy. I also get an amazing burst of energy with the new year. I love mapping out goals and starting with a bang. So, I'm looking forward to better days soon. For now, I'm resting next to a quickly depleting box of tissues.

NOTE TO SELF

NOTE TO SELF:


It's getting to that point. Some things are just not done. Time to look at the list and scratch out or simplify the grandiose idealistic parameters of tasks and to-do's. Time to remember...live is NEVER perfect..not even at Christmas. Children are still going to get up at night because they have bad gas from the beans but think their tummies are going to explode and refuse to sit on the potty. Husbands are still going to forget some of those things you've been sweetly nagging about. Pets are still going to try to eat the tree and make themselves sick from eating the needles so that you have to run for the Bissel (only happened once to each cat and I think they both learned their lesson). Dinner is still going to burn if you get distracted, even a simple side dish of corn. You babies are still going to need long bedtime rituals and kisses, books and songs. You husband still needs a smile when he walks in the door. And...
If you tree dies before Christmas.. be thankful they gave you a new one.
And..
If it was cut so badly short at the stump that you and your husband cannot get it to stay up straight after hours of trying so that you still have to cut a whole layer and foot of the new tree so that it's much shorter than your original dead tree and it has to go up on a table, and you have to redecorate and get to bed at 2am.

You can still, remember the amazing husband who was willing to go through it all with you and run to the store for a new tree base (at 9:30 and back home an hour later) only to come back empty handed and then relent to spending time out in the freezing night air at midnight to hack the tree down.

You can be thankful. You can let things go that need to go. You can enjoy your kids school parties and be thankful you get to be there with them. You can have that company for dinner and let them see some mess. You can stop trying to perfect...and learn to..
REFLECT...
RELAX...
and more than anything..
REJOICE.

Lilo Turns 8!

Little Lilo turned 8 on Sunday (Dec 14th). She was so excited to have a party this year since she had a new bunch of friends since going to school. She still had her special friends from church and homeschooling too so it turned out to be quite big! The biggest she has ever had I think.
To prepare for the party, the kids colored a big butterfly Rick drew to match her other decorations. They had a good time doing that after they negotiated the colors ever so sibling like.December birthdays are my speciality I guess you could say. One thing you have to do, put up enough birthday stuff to forget it's Christmas for just a few hours anyway!:)The project of the party was to make treasure boxes. I was feeling brave...acrylic paint and all. Those of you who know us know we have a carpeted dining room. I figured as bad as the carpet is all ready, there was little you could do to make it worse. So, bring on the art projects! The butterfly game was fun but we had to put my winter hat on them too because we figured out quick they could see under the bandanna. The goal was to get the antennae on the butterfly. Lilo really wanted a pinata this year. Oh, and her dear teacher Mrs. M came to her party! That was so fun. The dive for candy. Daddy's makeover.:)Digging in to the sugar of course.Present time, present time! I think Lilo got a little spoiled this year. Nana got her a butterfly garden so she can grow butterflies in her room just like Mrs. M does in their classroom! She just has to send off for her caterpillars now. (look at my cute little batman looking on :) Awe, one little guy knew the key to Lilo's heart...Cheetos from TJ's! He also gave her some fruit leather and she has been so excited this week to have these treats in her lunches. Singing happy birthday to the birthday girl. A recent sunset seemed applicable as I've been pensive this morning reflecting these words:

Is this the little girl i carried,
Is this the little boy at play?
I don't remember growing older,
When did they?
When did she get to be a beauty,
When did he grow to be so tall?
Wasn't it yesterday when they were small?

Sunrise, sunset ,
Swiftly flow the days.
Seedlings turn overnight to sunflowers,
Blossoming even as we gaze.

Sunrise, sunset ,
Swiftly fly the years,
One season following another,
Laden with happiness and tears.