Seasons Of Sovereignty

A Virtual Tower of Babel

2010-12-21T08:34:00.000-08:00

We were watching Sing Off last night and a commercial came on for a new blackberry full of new apps. I felt a small annoyance and panic raising in my chest. I feel the world of simplicity slipping away and I wonder if this is how my grandma feels about just a simple computer. It suddenly occurs to me that technology is going at a pace I cannot keep up with, nor do I really want to!

I adore simplicity.

There is something quaint about pen and paper, stamps and seals, talk and tea etc. I want it to slow down!

Over the holiday one of the biggest items has been the Kindle. It occurred to me that someday people won't have beautiful books on their shelves to pull off, feel, smell and enjoy reading from! Can you imagine a world like that? Do you want a world like that? I don't.

I like to read my bible from it's pages.

I like to write down my thoughts on paper.

I like seeing the colors and fonts of the book bindings on the shelf and the old artistic style of a famous classic.

I like making a to do list for my day on a little notepad.

Recently since we turned out cell phones off I find I enjoy the fact that I'm unreachable and it's also stretched my faith to trust God for situations. There are now times that my kids can not get ahold of me from school and it reminds me over and over that I am not their guardian angel like I think I am.

All this security, all this information, all this "convenience" can be stripped away with one global communication failure and I think someday it will be.

We have created a Virtual Tower of Babel. The whole world is connected and efficient with goals that reach the skyline.

Look out, it could snap at any time.

In the mean time I've decided not to fret if I don't keep up, because I can't. I realize my children very soon will be sitting next to me patiently trying to explain terms and instructions to me that I don't get. In the mean time, I want them to appreciate the simple things and be familiar with them because they may very well be the generation that sees it all fall apart and humanity scrambling once again to pick itself back up.

About To Join The Family

2010-12-07T11:58:00.000-08:00

I'm very anxious for Christmas to come so these babies can come to their new home! This is Caedmon's present from us this year. We are getting them free from a very nice lady on Craigslist who is saving them for us as there is no quiet way to hide Guinea Pigs.
Aren't they cute!

Sorry the picture is sideways. For some reason I can't get it to turn.

They are girls btw.

Explanations

2010-12-06T12:21:00.000-08:00

I've just about given up on blogging. I love it but I've had so little time for it. As I pondered what to do I was thinking a great deal about my grandma. She lives in Indiana and she does not have a computer. I always feel bad that I'm not good at keeping up with what we are up to for her.
I had thought that I'd like to print all my past blogging and bind it for her for Christmas. Well, as I started looking into that it became obvious that this was going to be a huge task. I was going to have to skip all over my scattered trail on the web! So, I decided it was time to pull it all together and keep it together. Shoot For Eternity is my blog with the most pertinent writing on it so I'm bringing it all here. I will continue to blog when I can here. I have great deal I'd LIKE to blog...we'll see. This year I'm sending her a digital frame so she can see pictures of the kids. Next year sometime I'd like to have all the blog journaling for her. I'd like to beef up the lables and stuff too.
The web address will still be the Shoot For Eternity one but the blogs name has changed. The word that just kept coming to me as I think about pulling together the journey of the last five years was sovereignty, God's amazing sovereignty. I so depend on His sovereignty!

Transfers from The Window Seat

2010-12-04T23:16:00.000-08:00

Magical Autumn Light 10/8/10

Last year was the first year I noticed this. Yet, last year was also the year I decided that birds were lovely to watch. I laughed at myself because as a girl I always found the concept of bird watching extremely tedious and could NOT understand why one would want to spend one's hours that way.
The light......
The autumn light....
Have you noticed it?

Like a silent messenger it comes bearing news.
My friend Donna last year mentioned this poem when I said something about it.

There’s a certain Slant of light,
Winter Afternoons —
That oppresses, like the Heft
Of Cathedral Tunes —

Heavenly Hurt, it gives us —
We can find no scar,
But internal difference,
Where the Meanings, are —

None may teach it — Any —
’Tis the Seal Despair —
An imperial affliction
Sent us of the Air —

When it comes, the Landscape listens —
Shadows — hold their breath —
When it goes, ’tis like the Distance
On the look of Death

The red part is my favorite. "Heavenly hurt"...wow, that is awesome word usage. It makes such an impression on us that it's painfully good. It stirs something eternal in our nature, where the meanings are.

I like to call it Magic. Everything glorious God does is magic. Something we don't seem to deserve to get to see and enjoy so it overwhelms us with it's beauty. Though it is not winter yet, the light has indeed started to change as it comes through the windows of the house.

It seems to represent to me a time of reflection. Of the year, of the day, of my life. Winter comes with it's finality as evening comes to shut down the day and death to shut down the story. The autumn light reminds me to reflect, be thankful, feel the meaning. Rest and let God handle the winter to come.

The Challenge Of Corner-Turning Change 8/24/10

One thing I've learned in my life is that sometimes the biggest changes feel like you turned a corner and were slammed right into them. You had no warning signs, no messengers, no time to gather your resolve or roll up you selves. BAM! There it is, and usually it's uncomfortable to say the least.
Sometimes that corner you turn has a cliff you have to fall off of right after your turn. You don't even see it coming but you are falling. Faith is demanded, there is nothing else to cling to. You human capacities to weather it or hold on to anything you would otherwise find stable are stripped away. All you have is your heart and mind to focus on your faith.

We have some little changes that are coming and I'll reflect on those in a minute.

One of Victoria's best little friends, her age (12), has had a tumor found on her lungs. They took her up to Stanford and ruled out bone cancer and leukemia. This week they are having to take a biopsy to do more in depth diagnosis. It's a very scary time for her and her parents, and for my daughter as her friend. When the announcement was made at church on Sunday, Victoria got very sickly sad looking. I leaned over and asked her what was wrong and she said she did not want her friend to die like Papa. When a child has had to see a person go through this first hand it sticks with them, and they struggle to assume the worst. Like my dad's cancer, this tumor is very sudden and out of the blue. Right now it's still a mystery and I tried to encourage her but my heart was battling too. When you have been through this, you know not to tell people that it will be fine, that God will "take care of her" (which is true but you can't tell them that living is the result of God's care). I did say that many children and adults get tumors and they are not fatal or even cancerous.
We are praying for this little girl and her family, and I'm praying for my daughter. I don't know what the road ahead will be but there are lots of opportunity here to turn to God and his words of truth. I'm going to be praying for guidance even now and that we would know how to encourage this family in the way they need it.
Even now, they should be up there getting ready for tests. These tests are not little things either, she is having to be very brave.

On a lighter note, we have such a strange school year ahead of us. I feel like we are kind of going to be scattered about. When the changes started coming, my first reaction was "no way". I like things in what I define as safe and secure and comfortable! It turned out God wanted me to stretch my faith again like he did when I went from the homeschool mom to the mom who was dropping all three off trusting God and going home to do my own work.
The biggest change is that Emma is going to another school. She will be busing (another stretch of faith, I like to take and pick up my kids) out to a very small school in the country. Our school here is getting overcrowded and they were asking for parents to be willing to send their kids out to our sister school. This little school has just over 200 kids and it's an indoor school, new and nice. It's 85% Caucasian which is not a racist statement (in fact, I have LOVED getting to know many of the hard working Hispanic families in our community), it's just that that means the teachers are not taking up 3/4 of their time with language barrier issues. In the lower grades, that kind of distraction is difficult for the English speaking students. They also have much higher test scores (on that note: I was so blessed by the girls state test results! Despite the fact that the classes are full, and the distractions many, the girls were both in the top advanced level in both subjects. In math however, they blew me away. The top score you can possibly get in math is 600. Emma got 556 and Victoria got a full 600. I've never seen a bar hit the top of the line before, it was amazing! SO, it is possible to get a good education if you are paying attention!) at this school.
The challenges of this change though are that she is further away from me during the day and that she has a longer day. She has to get on the bus here at our school at 7:10 am! This won't be too hard for her, she is my low maintenance speed dresser and she is usually the first one up. Because they are out in the country, the buss does not get out there to pick them up for a bit so they have a homework class at the school. This is great for her because she will come home hopefully homework free and she won't have to hang out at the day care I work at for two hours like she did last year. She didn't really enjoy that.
The big one for me was her being far away. See, I trust God, but I like to think I'm in control. :) I like to say I trust him with my hand on my child. He wants me to let go more. That's uncomfortable. I found this poem I'd written when God was stretching me before and it really spoke to me again regarding this:
Where will God lead you? Where will he send?
Will you be willing or will you defend-
The way that things are as you think they should be,
Will you be willing? Will you be free?
Should he stir you to move in a place on you own,
Or call you to stretch in a way you've not grown,
Is there something you've said you won't ever do,
If he asks, will you joyfully do that thing too?
What are you keeping? What do you hoard?
What is it you think you cannot afford?
To loose it, to give it- where do you stress?
What should you hand over, or maybe confess?
Have you looked out at water you say you can't walk?
Are you willing to take back and swallow your talk?
That stated "I'll never", "I couldn't"- "not me",
Will you do it for Him who can make you free?
Free just to trust and gladly be led-
Free just to be in His hand and be fed-
Free to delight in HIS perfect plan-
Free to shrink smaller the opinion of man-
Free to stretch out and see where it leads,-
Free to adventure and plant many seeds-
Free to find out what faith can procure,
When you thought you're plans were ever so sure.

Caed would be going out there with her if it were not for the fact that he is getting the teacher we love the most at the school. Mrs.M was Emma's teacher the first year we transitioned from HS to PS. She is fabulous. She is more of a grandma than anything else, and being in her classroom is the closest to HS you can get. She believes in giving them time to absorb things and she is a rebel against pushing too much state stuff down their throats. I love that about her. At this time in his life, it's what he needs. Lots of breaks and wiggle room. They get up and sing songs a lot. Next year though, he will most likely be following his sister out to the country school.
Then of course there is Junior High. Victoria is very nervous because she does not know how she will navigate the teacher and room changes. She likes to have everything predictable. I try to tell her she will fall right into the groove. I'm putting together a locker gift basket and am hoping that will get her excited about it. She is getting the homeroom teacher she wanted though so that is good. It will be a challenging year for her on many social and development levels. LOTS of changes, lots of Rick and I on our toes.
As for me, I'm trying to be more purposeful with my day than ever before. I'm working on a blog for Happy Homebody about this but seem to be having a hard time finishing it.

To The Reader
(and I've moved away from motivational blogging at this time in my life to the point where I enjoy now blogging in a "speaking to self" pondering mode, but I'll venture out here for a second)
- If you were not with me years ago and have not read the very intense story of our journey from Homeschooling to Public School, or you know a woman (or you are a woman) struggling with these issues in a spiritual sense, you may want to read our journey. It will take a while but I'm so glad I wrote it all down.

Alicia, It's Time To Share

Sharing Part 2 from May 28th, 2008

Sharing Part 3: One Body Many Parts from May 29th, 2008

Sharing Part 4: "If You Are Living This Way, STOP NOW!" from May 30th, 2008

Pursuing The Beauty of Unity from June 1, 2008

What Exactly Was It I Was Supposed To STOP? from June 1, 2008

Updates On The Journey from June 3rd, 2008

Further Testimony Or Related Blogs:

My Own Story Regarding School

The Glasses That See God Move

Influence On Children Can Come From Anywhere God Allows

A Burden To Support Public School Mom's

Everywhere You Go, People Wonder
8/5/10
Randy Alcorn rightly states that suffering is THE problem of Christianity.

Today Rick and I stood at the corner of an intersection in Solvang, CA where we are visiting for somewhat of a second honeymoon week. These two gents where behind us and they looked to be in their early to mid twenties. One of them was saying to the other that he went over to talk to another friend last night about a spiritual problem that his friend was having. "What it boiled down to" he said was a verse in Lamentations that says that God does not want us to suffer. This verse presented a problem for his friend.....

and the conversation trailed off out of my ear shot.

I wish I had had the nerve to do what I wanted to do. I wanted to turn around and say "Here, go home and get this book", and refer him to "If God is Good" by Randy Alcorn. Instead I just let Rick know what I Had just overheard. Hopefully the Lord gives this young man some answers for his friend. You know, I think I can pray for him at least.

My first thought was that I was pleased to be on the corner of the street somewhere and here two humans talking about the bible, God, and helping a friend with a struggle. Sometime God blesses me by reminding me of the miracle of his work everywhere, at every moment in the hearts of men and women. His glory is being designed in creative beauty that will one day take our breath away. If I could see it all now, I'd be mind blown. Just hearing it around me in a one minute segment of my day makes me worship Him for his moving and working.

It secondly made me think of how true what Randy says is. Suffering is THE problem. To any honest and soul searching Christian, it is the one place the road block seems impossible to get over around or through. How can God not want us to suffer and yet have in his will that we do? How can these coincide? I pray every Christian on this search finds some answers like Randy has in this book. It has really helped me and makes me want to help others hear these heart healing truths.

As I walked away we went down to a book store that had some books that were making me feel like pulling my hair out. I spotted Bart D. Eardman's "God's Problem". On October 2, 2008 I wrote about this book on my former blog Shoot For Eternity (which is what I call my "blog museum" now). This book seems to follow me. Randy brings it up often in "If God Is Good" and does an excellent job answering back many of the statements Eardman makes in the book. Some other books by Eardman are: "Misquoting Jesus: The Story Behind Who Changed the Bible and Why" and his newest "Jesus, Interrupted: Revealing the Hidden Contradictions (and Why We Don't Know About Them)" (have you ever seen such a long title?). You can see why my insides start to bubble standing in front of this shelf. But wait, there was more.....

John Shelby Spong is another author that had me red flagged by his book title "Eternal Life: Beyond Religion, Beyond Theism, Beyond Heaven and Hell". Just some of the front and back flap is enough to discuss on many blogs. Here is a little:
They (humans) are also moving beyond religion's traditional theistic definition of God as a "supernatural being", a miracle worker, or an exalted parental figure. This image of God has died, Spong argues, and with it any sense of purpose, meaning, or immorality that is outside life. The modern experience, to quote Meister Eckhart, is that of "taking leave of God". For Spong this death of theism opens new doorways into life, into timelessness, and into the mystical experience of being one with the presence of the holy."
Notice "holy" is not capitalized and that's the only profound statement in the whole quote. There is so much wrong with just this little tid-bit I pulled off the front and back flap (found on Amazon).
Then of course right next to these was Frank Schaeffer's (son of one of my hero's Francis Shaeffer of "How Then Should We Live" fame) new book "Crazy For God: How I Grew Up As One Of the Elect, Helped Found the Religious Right, and Lived To Take All (Or Almost All) of It Back" I don't' know what in the world happened to Frankie but I'm determined to read and find out.

It just intrigues me. Even Eardman was a self proclaimed Christian. These problems of theology (or the lack of theology under the guise of understanding God) are HUGE and yet they are coming from inside "the fold". What made these men turn into the thinking they developed? Amazingly, just like Darwin (who stated himself in his book "Origin of the Species"), Eardman states that he's not sure he is right. He has sleepless nights of wakeful fears concerning whether or not he's gotten it wrong (turning from God).

We were encouraged at the Women Discipling Women's conference to be women of discernment and looking for warning statements that take away from scripture or change the gospel in any way. Sometimes is obvious and sometimes it's subtle. The men above are obvious in their distance from belief in the Word of God. Yet, still, it starts somewhere, wrong thinking. We have to really look out for where the trails begin. Terms of verbiage that change the definition of the gospel in our understanding and imagery in fiction that pervert the way God defines himself.

Anyone who has read my blogs has seen I possess a passion for the freedom of fiction. With that comes the passion for the opposite, the definitiveness of truth. Play as you wish with the untruths, the fairy tales, the vampires good or bad, the talking animals or mystic lands, but when you get to God, you are no longer on the playground but in a throne room where your very soul can rest or shake.

This posted before I got to spell check it so if you are reading in google reader (which does not usually show edits) I apologize!

I Got Away...I Got Fed Well 7/20/10

I returned Sunday evening from the Women Discipling Women conference in Woodland Hills, CA. It's put on my The Master's College and their biblical counseling program. They key note speakers were Martha Peace and Elyse Fitzpatrick. I read Martha's book "The Excellent Wife" about six years ago and it's a book that will never go in my out to the thrift store pile. In fact at one time, I said I should always have it next to my bible to read again and again. Well, I've not been that noble, and I've not read it again (*choke*) but I sure am now. After I read all the other awesome theologically thrilling things I'm plugging away at now. Life is good when the reading is great!:)

Elyse Fitzpatrick wrote the book "Because He Loves Me" which we are wrapping up in our church's first run at a women's discipleship program. I've really enjoyed the book and I'm very anxious to read more from Elyse as well as catch up on her blog. She said she has been going through some of Luther's writings and discussing it on the blog....ohhh, that sounds exciting! Can I just lock myself in a room for a few weeks with my new laptop (thank you sweet lady who bought it for us!) and some coffee and all the reading material I want to get to?

I want to take a few weeks to reflect on the teaching I received and the theological discussion we had as a group of ladies late into the night on Saturday night. I was so thankful to get away and get to know some ladies in our church better. It's fun to peel back some layers on people and see who they are. It's even MORE fun to practice for eternity and bask in the truth, toss it about and loving listen to other's perspectives. Only in the body of Christ is this possible because we all have stringent ideas we hold and sometimes they can be communicated abruptly, or passionately, or in ways that are even misunderstood by those around us. Yet, in Christ we can take the wheat and throw the chaff away. We can be patient with the personality differences that SO effect our perspectives on EVERYTHING, and with where God has each of us in our walk and purpose. It was delightful. Even though I was at one point in the discussion feeling that maybe 10:30pm was not the best time for these intense discussions. You know, there is a time and a place for everything! I started to back off when I felt myself getting too tired for some of it.

Elyse was my favorite. Absolutely. Her approach to teaching hits right to my heart. She is a little rough around the edges, bold, honest, and translucent. I LOVE THAT. I love women I can relate to and feel I could say anything to. She was a delight to listen to. I enjoy when people speak how things really are in our hearts, and also shine bright the hope of Christ we have and how that practically should mean everything to us.

I don't know where to begin on the reflecting, there was so much good. This post is all ready long enough for today.

My goal is to go back over the notes and remember what the Lord touched my heart with.

I am also deep into Randy's book and needing to prepare for our meeting this Saturday evening. I'm really looking forward to that and will want to reflect here at the window about it as well. THEN, I'm reading the first few chapters of "Not a Tame Lion" by Bruce Edwards with my friend Donna's C.S. Lewis book club that Rick and I are in. This Friday is that meeting and we will be getting to visit him personally on a web am discussion.

Then there is my room that is a mess, my kitchen floor that screams "Mop Me PLEASE!" and some major time I need to put into the gym the next two weeks.

Good thing I found some Biggest Looser protein powder packets at the grocery discount as well as some energy water tablets (you put them in a bottle of water and they give you vitamins and other good stuff) because I've got to dive in!

I will be back with more and lable them WDW.

Unbelievable 7/5/10

Two posts ago I said that God was putting me through a trial but showed me that there was a purpose for it. He really spoke that to my heart. That the trial was just in time. I had no idea when I wrote that how "just in time" His timing was. It was three days away from just in time. I am just in awe of God's loving kindness to speak directly to my heart, show me His purpose and convict me to pay attention. It was a hand reaching out in love t help me, to hold me together and give me strength to hold the little hand I'll now be holding through early womanhood.

I'm just speechless.

How great is His unfailing Love.

How new are His mercies.

How perfect His timings.

The God of the Universe came down and spoke to my heart.

How did I ever deserve that?

Unbelievable.

Hormone Hell Just In Time 7/3/10

Hormones....how I hate thee.

The last three days I've had the worst time since earlier this year. The cyst was like the Haitian quake in my system and the aftershocks and clean up were so hard. I've been feeling normal now for two months and it's been wonderful!

Then...two days ago happened.

It makes sense, it's been almost three months since things were bad and as most women know, there is the monthly cycle, and then there is the three month psycho woman cycle. I always seem to forget about it, and sometimes don't notice it at all. It's like bad PMS mixed with a recurring mid-life crisis. There is no great garnish for that cocktail, it's just potent and hard to swallow.

Two days ago I noticed I was snapping back at the kids like some ticked off crocodile trying to get their heads in my stride. It was awful. After a few moments a little voice inside (thank you Lord) said "Do you notice what you are doing?" Oh, yeah, this is not normal, read alert! Prepare to shift down, back off, hide if you have to. Go take a good shower.

In the shower the nausea hits and then the psycho stuff. I've been able to identify it better since the day or two after my cyst surgery when I paced the house praying and quoting scripture because I LITERALLY felt I was loosing my mind. If you don't know this feeling, you don't get to say you do. It's not like you are too stressed out, or there is too much pressure on you, or people are just bugging you...no, it's physical reality that you feel you are loosing grip and then anxiety and fear set in because let me tell you....IT'S THE SCARIEST FEELING YOU HAVE EVER HAD. It was so bad then that having it just a little is identifiable to me now. At least with that I can say to myself that it's okay, it will pass, hang in there.

Hormones move in waves, my OB confirmed this to me. It's how she knew my panics and other symptoms were brain and hormones. Sometimes it's more one but one effects the other and when it's mostly hormones, the waves will start.

So, the last few days there are waves of nausea, psycho woman, (thankfully snappy crock did not come back), and weepies (always followed by missing my dad which makes me cry more, it's the kind of weeping that takes you right back to the little 13 year old girl you are inside still). I've also felt like I cannot rest enough. I've missed the gym for way too many days due to insomnia at night and terrible fatigue in the day. That is another symptom for me.

I usually have to hide quite a bit from the kids during these times so when it last for a few days I get emotional about the guilt of their new TV mom. I remind myself it's just surviving and try to let the guilt go to the feet of Jesus.

And that is where I always feel drawn to be. Hormones make me feel like I'm loosing touch, a small hell of my own of sorts and I have to cling to Him holding me together.

So, this morning when I woke up and the nausea when through my body as soon as I woke up (and believe me, when you sit up and feel that bad, you are immediately depressed and it's so hard to put one foot in front of the other knowing your day will be like this again) I cried out to God in my heart. He answered me.

He showed me something I did not see thus far. One gift hidden in this hell (i use the word lightly, as there is no real comparison). How wonderful for me to go through all this now. My daughter is literally a walking time bomb for this all to start for her. In fact, I've hopped it all starts this summer so she does not have to go through any bad experience during school in the fall. How easy it would be for me to forget the way I felt exactly 21 years ago. How little grace I may have had for her. Not feeling her pain may have made me unintentionally insensitive. After all, suck it up baby, life must go on.

But...

I'm in my own pain, and it's bad. It is a fresh wound to understand her coming affliction. He showed me that. Perhaps because he knows that my personality is to push through and expect others to push through too (and PLEASE, spare me the wining).

But now....

I understand. Boy, do I understand. It sucks baby, it really sucks. You have never felt so out of you head before. You have never felt so out of control of your own body. So, mad and scared and limp all over in your life. I KNOW! I'm there with ya.

If this is what I have to go through to be there better for her, I'm a willing participant and I can actually be thankful to God for the gift of this hell that came just in time.

Because there is nothing worse when you go through this than being out there with no one who really knows what it's like. Nothing.

7/3/10 The Most Precious Find I Think I've Ever Had
Dear Dad,
Today was one of the most precious days to me for something I found.
If you were here, it would have been the most awesome, perfect and meaningful gift EVER. It's something I'll send you from here. I don't know if God will let you in on it, I'm not sure how that works.
It's something I've been looking for for years. It's something that would mean little to others, but everything to us and mom.
Are you excited yet?
You have to wait for your birthday. So I'll grit my teeth and bear the wait till July 12th.
Someone asked me today here at my window seat (and it's fine with me that they did) if I'd talked to anyone about missing you. Deep in my heart I miss you all the time. On an every day basis though I don't feel much emotion about it. That's because of what you taught me, to be a survivor and to be strong. It's not that I fight my emotions, I just learned to press on. Still, when I'm emotional or sometimes when I'm not feeling well from sickness, you know I miss you the most. It's good, I want them to come at these times. It's when I can get down to the depths of my heart and be in tune with what is so important to me. You were tough on me, I fought you for it. Yet, you made me strong in so many ways I could not see at the time. I don't ever want to stop though having moments when it all floods through me how truly missed you are.
Anyway, I guess just finding this today has made me really emotional! You would be giving me a big hug by now and I'd be bonking into the myriad of pens in your shirt pocket and feeling my toes tap against your work boots. I don't ever want to work it out so well that I forget to feel this way.
I can't wait to give you your gift. I'll be excited to tell mom to come by to see it too.
I'll have a cent or two to say about it too, you know me.
Love Your Daughter,
Alicia

For Your Birthday Dad 7/12/10
Hey Dad,
I said I wanted to come here to give you something special for your birthday. It turns out our computer DIED. I'm at the library and don't get much time but this was so important to me.
When I was little you came into our lives and tried to start sharing with Scott and I about Jesus. You would pull out your banjo and play this very special song that you loved. Over the years you started to forget the words to the verses in the song. We would talk about how we wished you could remember and we should write it down. One time we had a hymn sing at our house on a Sunday evening (I was about 10) and you tried to teach the song to the kids of the church. That was the last time I heard you sing the whole thing.
When you died, the song came back to both me mom even though we could only remember the chorus. About five years ago, I googled the song and only could go by the few words I remembered. I came up with nothing. The song remained a mystery.
Then, on this blog, mom surprised me by commenting on a heart felt post I did over a week ago. She quoted the words to the song and I remembered it again.
I had to try again to find that special song that you loved so much.
I did.
If you were here, I would be so excited. It would be the PERFECT birthday present!
I know you would just be happy that I found it and can teach it to the kids.
So, HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD, and if you get to celebrate these things in heaven, I hope God let's you in on this somehow.
I love you,
alicia

7/2/10 The Reaction of Humility
Recently in different avenues of my life I've heard the concept that the basis of all sin is unbelief. It was stated in the wonderful book we just finished in our discipleship group written by Elyse Fitzpatrick and it was in a sermon done at our church recently.

Upon discussion of this concept I ran across some who were tossing around some ideas they had about it. Their view was that the bible seems to say more that the original sin was pride so all sin is grounded in pride. I've been pondering that.

I was very intrigued by Chapter 6 of Randy Alcorn's book "If God Is Good" entitled: "Evil's Entry into the Universe: A Rebellion of Angles". I've always been very curious about this topic, even since childhood. I'm not sure why except that it seems to be such a mystery. I want to reflect on the chapters points for a bit.
People often say (and I've asked it myself inside) "if God is good, and if he is the creator of all things, then how can there even be a Satan?"
It's a good question!
Randy reminds us of something even I had forgotten. God created all angels GOOD. He says of all creation, "it is good". He refers to Lucifer as "blameless in your ways from the day you were created" (from Ezekiel 28).
"It is misleading to say that 'God created Satan and demons.' Rather, God created Lucifer and other righteous angels, who later chose to rebel against God, and in so doing became Satan and demons." (Randy Alcorn)
So it comes down to a "which came first" the unbelief or the pride? I enjoy thinking this way. It's what helped me understand God's motive for man's happiness too. As I thought about the "which came first" the joy or the happiness, I began to see the answer was happiness. Happiness was what was intended and joy was the supernatural gift given by God to experience it outside of and above fallen circumstances because the happiness that we now had was fleeting and tainted. So, I will use this to explain the other quandary at my mental table now.
My theory is that pride is the result of unbelief. Therefore, unbelief does indeed have to come first. I just have to go back and think about the very thought process of Lucifer himself and maybe it sounded something like this:
"I know He says He is the greatest, and that I will be forever delighted being just who he made me to be, but I don't believe him. What do I believe? I believe I can be just as great as he is and that THAT will make me happier."
If he had stopped at "who he made me to be" and had a different decision of belief, what would it have resulted in? HUMILITY. Belief in what God says breeds humility and unbelief in what he says breeds pride. This is how one can indeed say that every sin is rooted in unbelief.
When we are made aware of what God says, of the way He has designed something to be, we take it in. We may doubt, we may disagree, but we do those processes BEFORE we decide. To believe, or not to believe, that is the question! Once the decision is made there, the feet step onto either the path of pride or humility. Pride produces sin, and humility produces submission to the will of God.
I like also that Randy reminded us that we let a common misconception slip into our thinking. That being that Satan is the opposite of God. Randy points out that this is false. "Michael, the righteous archangel, is Satan's opposite. Satan is finite; God is infinite. God has no equal." (Alcorn) I love that! I love anything that blows him up bigger! Because the bigger we see Him, the more clearly He begins to come into our finite view. It thrills me.
Back to earth now though. This formula trickles down into every decision I make every day. Humility is the basis of all trusting in God and his ways, and his plan for me. If I am frustrated with my husband I will sin when I don't choose to BELIEVE that he is what God has said is best for me. If I choose to have unbelief of this, I will fall into pride and many other sins along that path. If I believe and find humility I will be on a path to joy and blessing. I think this can be applied to just about every avenue of life.
I liked what Alcorn went on to discuss about why God still did not destroy Satan once he went bad. That also has been a massive quandary of mine. Tammy did a post recently on her thoughts regarding Section 2 of the book and she quoted this as well:
"Satan's fall and ongoing existence are for the glory of Christ. The Son of God, Jesus Christ, will be more highly honored and more deeply appreciated and loved in the end because he defeats Satan not the moment after Satan fell, but through millennia of long-suffering, patience, humility, servant hood, suffering, and decisively through his own death." (John Piper)
"God has both the power and the right to destroy Satan and the demons now, which would demonstrate his justice. But he wants to display his other attributes as well, among them grace, mercy, and patience." (Alcorn)
This is what is amazing about evil, without allowing it, letting us go through it, making it part of the history of man, we would never have seen the beauty of God because we would not have been made aware of how absolutely ugly the opposite of it is.
It makes me feel like I have to ask myself a question. Am I willing to trust a God who is willing to allow ongoing awful things (notice I say allow, not do, for he allows Satan to do the doing) when He says it's for His glory? Is His glory worth that price to me as well?
Though I may not like it, and though I may be tempted to not believe it's the best way or that it's worth it (which would lead me down the road of many in pride against God), I choose to believe it all and in return the very thing that is hard for me to except is the thing that gives me the most joy and hope in complete darkness.
This is why unbelief has to come before pride is born which breeds sin, and why belief brings humility which is the basis of all other good character qualities. Belief is the decision, the line in the sand, the turn of the step that we make. What floods us after that will be the fuel for the fire or the calm for the storm.

7/2/10 The Lone Oak Tree

When I was a teen we lived at a place that had an oak tree up on the back hill. My dad put a porch swing in it so I could go up there and have time to think. I think he got the message after I would retreat there at hard times, climb up as high as I could go, and ride the waves of the wind that came through in the evening. When I was younger I would pretend it was my ship. Later on though it became a haven in life's storms.

From the vantage point of this swing, I would look out across the little valley with a vineyard in it and beyond that to a golden hillside. Going down the side of the hill were dozens of California Oaks. Yet, at the top, alone in the golden grass close to the sun was one beautiful lonely oak. From where I was up at my vantage point, the oak and I were just about equal and I felt something of myself in that tree. I can still see it whenever driving back from A town through T town. If you know where to look, it's still sitting there staring back at me haunting me of times when I looked inside myself to understand what I experienced outside myself in life.

I always felt akin to that oak tree, especially because the other trees seemed to be rushing down the hill off to somewhere else. Many times in my life I've been the loner and there is some odd thing in me that likes that and another part of me that hates it.

I was in a sense an only child. Though this cannot be said fully, the dynamics of having one sibling who is handicapped is a category all it's own. You are like an only child in many ways except your parents have even less time to dote on you because of their care of your sibling. This never bothered me, and it taught me a lot, but I did feel like I was in some lonely category that no one else understood.

I was the only girl in my Sunday school all through my growing up years. Even if there were girls, I probably would have not been too chummy with them because I found girls hard to get along with.

When I got married, I was the only one I knew in my age group who was married and having a honeymoon baby right away, made me...yep, the only one with a child all ready. My all ready small social circle was immediately changed. That lasted a long time.

When we went to our new church, I was the first mom to have an infant for a while.

Later on, I was the first to attempt homeschooling in my small social circle though I knew older women who did. It was all new to me and no one else with kids my daughter's age were doing it yet.

It just goes on and on, I was the first to put my kids in public school, the first have all three in school, the first to branch out and get a few hours of work, the first to go through a new chapter of life.

I reflected a on this yesterday as I thought about the next chapter of my blogging. My disaster before had been that some heartfelt information was taken by someone who knew me and decided to call my mom (three people actually) about it. It was the fact that I had decided to talk about my bio-dad on my blog. That caused a huge emotional trauma for me and made me exit main stream blogging to just do a family blog elsewhere. At the time, I had said, and it was truly what I thought I wanted, that I needed to return to the first reason I started blogging and that was to share about the family stuff. Once I got off in that little corner hoping to just do that I grew amazingly restless. The reason was because I could not write the way I really wanted to, about what I really wanted to. I merged back into blog spot trying out three different blogs for the three "sides of me". One for the family, one for my thoughts, and one for domestics. That became exhausting and I did not feel I gave enough to any of them. So, I combined again. That has been going well until I recently started feeling restless again.

I was happy to hear the honest responses to my fit the other day. It confirmed some of what I was thinking was happening. I was really being unfair to my readers. When I was in their shoes with younger ones at home, I didn't have a thought left over at the end of the day that was worth anything at all. Then, when I homeschooled, all thoughts were about the kids, surviving the day, accomplishments, ideas, and the next step. There was no room for what I thought about anything outside of those venues.

So, I've realized that I'm at a very different place (the oak tree stands again) than many I know. I do have time to think. Not only that, I thrive when I have time to think and I thrive when I can write what I think.

The thing I've been doing wrong is where my head has been on my writing. I've been driven to think, learn and share. That pattern leads to an expectation for response and participation. This is where I've been unfair. I thought last night how would I have ever been able to have time for a fresh mental exercise at those stages of my life. I wouldn't. I've been blogging with the wrong tone and frame of mind.

The fact is, I love to write, but my motivation for blogging has evolved and totally changed from what it was when I started. I am not the daily mom blogger anymore. I know that is what a lot of people go for and I enjoy reading it myself but it's not me anymore. The avenue of Facebook allows me to share tid bits about my family and share photos but I don't need another place for that. I need my own corner to look out at the world and gather my thoughts about it. No longer will I see myself in a room speaking out to people, expectant for their response. If they want to share, I'd welcome it but I'm not going to let it define my blogging or be what I'm seeking anymore. I'm going to make more efforts to enjoy that more in person or at least seek it in person. If it just happens here I'll whole heartedly participate back though.

The voice of my blogging will change now. I speak reflectively to myself, sitting her in my virtual window seat, looking out. I needed a new atmosphere of solidarity that allows participants but does not exist to expect or require them.

Many people blog for comradery. To feel linked to the people who are going through what they are going through or give ideas back and forth. I don't see myself as one of in need of that through this venue anymore. I will be starting back up my other love, the cooking blog, but I never felt pressure for response on that one either.

It's not that I don't want to talk about my family or what they are doing, or that they are not important to me. I just need my spot, my venue, my outlet. When writing is your hobby, you need a nook of your own.

I've had a drive to inspire, motivate and stimulate before but I'm going to let all that go. When I'm driven to do that and don't see results, it's dangerously discouraging to me. If I'm here for me I can only disagree with myself later but that's about it:) A window is looking out, and not worried about what is looking in and what they think of it. I need a venue like that right now.

There will be no site meter. I don't want to be worried about how many came by. It's almost like throwing the scale away. I'm done with that. The only reason I'm even leaving up the followers widget is for the benefit of those who want to read so that they can have things pop up on their reader. I even debated about that one. I know I like having those on other blogs though so I can follow easily.

So, that is why this blog address reads "the window seat journal" because that's the new difference. I'm here to journal my thoughts and make that the 100% purpose here instead of the 50/50 I had before of writing and feedback. Like I said, they will get to read my journaling for sure and comment if they want but it's not going to be the reason I'm here.

My blogging experiences have been very congruent to my social behaviors in the real world. I love to socialize but there are times (usually triggered by something hard in the social circle) when I have to return to solitude. I think this cozy window seat will be perfect.

The SFE Museum

2010-07-02T15:14:00.000-07:00

This dear little blog was my heart and my home through one of the toughest times in my life. It will not have new entries but will sit here for whenever a visitor wants to come by, mostly me probably.

Final Post: What I've Learned Here

2009-05-12T10:44:00.001-07:00

It's time to say goodbye to this blog. *sniff/sigh*
I thought there could be no better way to go out of this chapter of my life than with what I have learned while here:

I have been thrust into the reality of the eternal glory of God like never before. I have grown to understand better why I am here on earth, what purpose I serve and what that has to do with forever. I have grasped the concepts of the resurrected earth and body and it has become a reality in my life, in no way perfecting me, but changing my life forever. I guess you could say I've grown to understand the gospel in it's biggest sense and purpose.
I have developed a craving for the taste of truth and have found that I ponder so much more on truth.
I have learned the wisdom of unity when it comes to the issues of christian liberties. I'm still learning this one but I feel my time on this blog really stretched me in this area. I've learned that "speaking the truth in love" can very quickly become a declaration of human judgement on my part and that for 99% of the time, I'm probably more wise to keep my eyes on Christ because he may show me later that I was thinking wrongly or, he may show the other person that and I can trust him to move in his time and he is the judge.
I have learned to be passionate about life. That my time here is a struggle but also an enjoyment.
I have learned that living a active life is healthy and beneficial to my family.
I have learned that God wants to guide me intimately and not make me look like some christian woman or group of women I think I should look like.
I have learned and am learning the gift of humility and the power it possesses. This one is probably the one I want to learn more of the most.
I have learned that people are so important to God. That he longs to use me in anyway to reach the ones around me. That they are the one thing besides our souls that we take with us into eternity.
I have learned that God is big, and I am small and that I like it that way.
I have grown acutely aware of legalistic thinking and hate it more than ever. I have learned that I have to watch out for it and it's trappings always.
I have learned even more what it means to walk by faith especially regarding my children.
I have been challenged as a parent and am learning to focus on the truth and let my children also become who God intimately wants them to be.
I have learned to have more fun and drink a glass of wine with my husband now and then.
I have learned to lighten up when it's time to lighten up, and be serious when it's time to be serious. I guess you could call that being more balanced and not going to extremes to save me or define me.
I have learned that God is the great provider of all I need.
I have learned that I need to be a better friend and look for ways to encourage my friends.

I think the greatest summary could be said this way: I came here feeling very temporally empty and sad. My dad had died and the world seemed cruel and harsh. The eternal was my passion and obsession to the point that I wished to speed through this life and get it over with. After all, the greatest joys were beyond and my precious savior waits at the end! Yet through this journey God has shown me that though life is a struggle, it is also a gift and a gift to be enjoyed. That if we go to one extreme we could be a fool and waste it but if we go to the other we could be too legalistic to enjoy it. (Ecc chapter 7 I think talks of this around verse 15 or so)

I learned that God did not mean me to hold my nose, cover my ears and shield my eyes through this world anymore than he meant me to run like a fool through it trying and doing anything that came into my selfish fancy. He meant me to be alive, to live, and to live for Him and his eternal purposes and glory. To enjoy the passions of life he has given me in my portion and enjoy them well and with thanks. To be creative and imaginative and smell the roses. Yet to know that my bedrock is secure and my goals are to always be for the eternal kingdom of God. I have learned that I am on a challenging road to balance these the rest of my life. To be wary of those who go to one extreme or the other, and to keep my eyes on Christ and all he has for me in this life and forevermore. That is an adventure I look forward to taking.

I'd like to end with this youtube Lilo's teacher told me about. As we go out as a family into the public school, it's encouraging and also as we take on foster parenting. It's good for everyone though.

Blessings,
Alicia

Reality Blogging Day 2

2009-05-02T19:06:00.000-07:00

This will be in bullet point form to save me time and feed my desire for random journaling!:)

I admit it, I was dreading today because of all the housework from being sick three days. I tried to sleep in but when no one else does it's like a session of torture dozing.

Coffee...blogging....ah, this is better and I am awake after all. Kids are watching cartoons and enjoying that one box of junk cereal they get a paycheck.

My head is still clogged as can be and it's been five days now.

I'm feeling like Jerry Lewis in "the Stooge" when Dean Martin tries to wake him up and he is having a hard time getting going. "here we go....here we go...here we go..." but it's so hard to get going.

My kids seem to be endless pits on Saturday's for food. I think it's because they are home and taking it easy so they think more about food. They keep coming in and asking what they can eat. How will I ever make it through teen years on this budget? I actually bought my first flat of Ramen noodles which I don't believe in just to fill the cracks on days there is no good thing to give them.

I get up and go into the kitchen. While feeling better yesterday I managed to grocery shop and make dinner. I did not manage to put away all the groceries and do all the dishes so there was hardly a void anywhere to set my cup of coffee down.

I was randomly thinking about manners. I've never understood why we follow something as proper when it came from the mind of one human. Who gets to decide what it culturally appropriate or not? After all, they are different in different places. Yet, so many people become nearly religious about manners. I've somewhat failed my girls in pushing manners too much besides the obvious ones I would send rumors about town with. Really, who decides them? I decided I'm rather rebellious.

Pondered the blog a lot again and was annoyed how much it was bothering me. Told myself to not over think like I do everything else. Wondered what was going on in the heads of others. I do that too much.

Turned on Johnny Cash and dug into the kitchen. I feel some weird kindred to Johnny Cash. His struggle between conviction and humanity are something I feel in my own skin. Pondered that for a good log while while slicing that 4lb of lunch meat with the slicer I did get to borrow from the neighbor. I was scared to use the thing. I have a fear of blades and getting digits cut off. I think I was rather loudly announcing to my children to not come within three feet of me while I was using the thing. All of a sudden I remembered Johnny Cash's brother got fatally injured using a saw. Suddenly I wondered if I was listening to the wrong music for the job. Swallowed.

Had the kids do some help with their rooms and the living room. Princess never fails to be so deadly hungry when it's time to work.

Switched around some mattresses to prepare for the foster child bed to be put up in Superkids room. Gathered up all the things the girls needed to sort though in bags and baskets. Vacuumed their room while they played.

Watched the lead up stuff to the Kentucky derby (I was born in Louisville) and remembered my girlhood love of horses....wow, they are so beautiful. Did housework in between. The kitchen was still a work in progress.

Called my mom to check on her and was on the phone at least an hour. I was saddened by how much she has been put through lately. I ask God to give her relief. It's been such a hard two years. I wonder how she can take all the circumstances. I start to ponder how much I feel her age creeping up on her. I feel the weight of sorrow and burdens on her. I long for happier days for her.

Ponder whether over thinking and intense analyzing of life is a side effect of grief. I don't remember thinking so hard about things or feeling so bold about what I think or feel before Dad died. I try to remember what it was like to not be so intense. Was it an innocence that is gone forever now? An ignorance is bliss kind of thing? I ask myself if I'm just now starting to grieve in my own way. Like some hyper sense is kicking in and it's driving me nuts.

Consider how the internet brings people so close to each other. Facebook, blogs, twitter. Is it really a good thing we are all so connected? My mother use to say that too many women in one house is a bad thing. The trend of women blogging is so hype right now and I start to wonder if we've all put ourselves in a virtual dwelling. I start to wonder if I want to be just another shouting voice in a crowd or a calm and reflective poet in the corner of the room. I'm leaning toward the latter.

Superkid and Lilo go out to play and come in soaking wet. What was that all about? Go to the bathroom and strip please and thank you for the puddles in the house. Don't run the faucet outside as long as you please thank you. Do you know daddy pays money for that water?

Daddy... I miss Rick a lot today. Can I just have a bunch of girlfriends as loving and easy to get along with as my husband? I love this man. What will I ever do if I loose him. I think of my mother again. How did that happen? Could I handle that? Where would I ever find such a kindred spirit again. I hope he gets home soon.

He calls and says he's done and I tell him I need garbanzo beans and french bread. Oh and I've been craving a beer. Oh, sounds great he says. Nothing heavy I warn, I do have to go to TOPS on Monday and beer is usually on my no, no list.

When thinking of something fast and easy for dinner since I still had half a kitchen to work on and was on my second load in the dishwasher, I remembered something. Years ago, my friend Donna and her husband invited Rick and I over for dinner. They had two young kids and we had none at that time. We got there and the dinner was iceberg bag salad w/ garbanzo and kidney beans served with a French Bread loaf w/ butter. For dessert we had gram crackers with icing spread on top. This made a big impression on me. My mother hardly ever had people over but if we did it was a big dinner. I was surprised that this salad was all we were having. I knew they were on a tight budget though and was more and more deeply amazed at their generosity to have us over even though things were tight and they did not have a meatloaf or roast to share. It made a permanent impression on me. I've always tried to remember that. I knew they wanted to be with us because we were friends and that was what made the occasion. So, I repeat that dinner now and then because it is a good memory for me. So, we are having gram crackers and icing for dessert. It's a good reason to use up the two half full containers of icing sitting around. I remind myself of my TOPS again and will be having one little piece.

The girls go in their room after dinner and rock out to their loud Christian girlie music. The modular shakes. Their neighbor friend comes to see if they can play and they go outside to play basketball together. The evening is balmy and clear. The green leaves in the nectarine tree are vibrant and the birds sing the sunset into play.

Oh, and there was a stray dog in the neighborhood today that the kids played with and begged to keep. I told them he would find his way home and they were sure he would not. I told them to go in and wash their hands with soap and water and not even talk about doggies to me again. I considered taking them up to the chew spot on the house left by Ebony. They would only say that this dog would never do that, he was too sweet.

Rick and Superkid take a shower and their silly boyish banter rings through the house. A deep voice and a little boyish voice chatting back and forth. I feel so blessed to have a son.

Emma put on shades at dinner (not sure where they came from) and made cool faces. They all got laughing and Rick had to bring them all back to focus again and again.

I wonder if I'll ever get everything done, look at the clock which by now says nearly eight and realize the answer is no.

I realize that this day is coming to an end. No matter what over thinking I've done, what was accomplished or left for later, what the kids gleaned from me or picked up from me, whether things are perfect or hard, whether we have a day of struggling or gliding by, God is purposeful and He is truth. Though I may be distracted by the tossing waves of humanity and it's drama, he is a rock..steady and firm, dependable and sure. All else seems to swirl around in unpredictable chaos but in the middle is the certainty of His wisdom. It is still and I long to be still and rest in it.

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Intimate Goals From Proverbs 31 Part 2

2009-05-02T10:45:00.000-07:00

I'm reviewing this this morning and ready to jot it down. For the first segment of this go here. Before I start I'm curious about something...

Someone mentioned in the last comments that most people read blogs in a google reader now days which does not give a place to post comment. Is that so? Are there readers of SFE who only read in a reader provider? I did not know this since I read blogs at the blog because I love the diversity of the blogs themselves and the pictures they share on their blog. I think I've ranted on this before that readers are like sterile hospital rooms where blogs are warm and inviting like a person's living room. But if you do read in a reader I want to make it easier for readers to share back because really, that is what keeps me bothering here so I would like to provide a link at the end of posts.

Proverbs Goals from Vs. 14:

(vs. 13 is great too, it's about choosing quality fabrics and making clothing but I'm just not there and God and I both know it:)

She is like merchant ships;

She brings her food from afar.

I've jokingly called this my Costco verse before. Just because Costco is far from my house and I always felt like I was "bringing my food from afar" when I went there. Actually, lately the Lord has been convicting me to stay away from Costco because I seem to spend MORE there. But this verse does require me to take time to do homework and be educated on what our family consumes and uses to know the best quality for the best price. To know what a good deal on a certain item is. Even to go to the lengths physically and mentally to get the best for the best price. To consider all factors in travel, time and value and make a wise decision to result again in what will add and not what will take away. This week that meant I researched the sales more and made more little stops rather than heading down to Costco. This is a constantly changing homework project and one thing I need to do more is beef up on my coupons and Money Saving Mom visits. I've been convicted about taking that time again because It's worth it for things we need.

Vs. 15

She rises also while it is still night

And gives food to her household

And portions to her maidens.

I admit it, this is my LEAST FAVORITE VERSE IN PROVERBS 31!!!!

I am not a morning person. Yet, it means I need to make sure I get up early enough to allow my husband and family to start the day the best way they can. Someone recently joked with me that homeschooling was so great because they could sleep in and start when they wanted if they had a long night. This was one of the things about homeschooling that made our lives worse. I am not good at getting up and unless that structure is put on me, I won't do it. So, though I needed to be up helping my husband get ready for his day, making him breakfast and lunch, I used homeschooling freedom as a reason not to help him out. For me, the schedule and demand to be up has been so good for our family. It has also taught our kids that the world runs on a structure of time and you have to be disciplined. Some mom's I know are great at making this happen inside the homeschooling scene, but not me. Even now, I have to be more and more diligent to make sure there is also enough time to send everyone off prepared for the day they will have and not just having food thrown at them as they go out the door. AND, enough time for me to wake up before them to be able to do this JOYFULLY! It requires getting to bed at a good time the night before and for me, who loves to stay up late, that is hard.

This verse practically reminds me of the noble importance of having the job to feed a household in the morning. To help them in that way is no small thing. It is a high calling. I have the privilege of setting the tone for four peoples day! Well, actually five, because it makes a difference in my day too.

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A Bit Of Reality Blogging

2009-05-01T15:25:00.000-07:00

I decided today to do something different with the blog for a bit and see what happens. I've wondered lately what direction to take my blogging in. I've wondered if anyone comes by much anymore. The only reason that makes me curious is because it takes time to blog and I honestly do love discussion, sharing and comment conversation. I like to know that I'm not just spewing out into space. Some people don't mind that, I enjoy feedback and banter. There does not seem to be much of it here. I've had a hard time with that. I've asked myself what makes those blogs that have zillions of people reading and responding? What is so interesting about them? And yet, I want to be myself and why does it bother me so much that this blog is not that. I feel like some kid in grade school not in the in crowd. Then I laugh out loud in my own head...because I never was! Welcome home Alicia. Welcome home.

The only reason I long for it is because I do so love to write. I love to think, I love to be real. I love to get things out, hash them over and chat about them. I so enjoy may other blogs but I'm more of the writer than the reader. I've been sorting a lot in my head about the blog and still have not made some final decisions. Some days I want to drop it, another I just want to dive into a new topic of thoughts and hear some of the readers as well. I wonder if my brain is just by itself way out in left field or if I just don't say it quite right so that anyone knows what in the world I'm talking about here. Or, I just have very quiet and blog shy readers. Who knows what the answer is. Oh, and thanks Trish for always coming and ALWAYS chatting with me! I love coming here to hear what anybody chats about and appreciate those of you who back talk me:). I understand that I'm an unpredictable blogger and send some people spinning with all the changes. I'm not a good candidate for consistency at all.LOL

So, for the next few days I'm going to just Reality Blog as I call it. That way, whatever happens I've kept a journal of my life.
Day One...Today.

Today began hard. Princess got hurt and bit her tongue literally (though I would have preferred figuratively) during the school prep time. In her anger she loudly told Lilo not to come in the room and bug her (also Lilo's room). The problem was that I had told Lilo to go get something she needed for school and when she came back out without it I asked her why she did not have it. "She told me I could not come in!" "What?" I asked. Lilo proceeded to tell me what had happened. I was frustrated with Princess and had to tell her, this was not just her room so she had no right to tell Lilo not to come in. Of course this happened way too close to the time to leave. We were in the car frustrated and Princess got grounded from playing with friends this evening because of her snipping at her sister. Then Lilo begins to cry because that meant they could not play basketball like she had wanted. It was a horrible ride to school. On top of their issues I could hardly talk from a still sick throat, my head was a sea of slush still, it was my heavy cramp day, and all the meds I'd taken being in bed sick yesterday had given me a UTI peeking right during the great hour of "get ready for school". I had ran to the cabinet to shove down some dried cranberries and a glass of water during the drama and rushed to my bathroom to down three Advil for my cramps. Of course, it did not kick in at all till after I had dropped them off. And we all know, there is no corner in the known universe reserved for the mom who feels like crap. Nope.
I went home and tried to gather my foggy clogged up brain for grocery shopping. This last pay check took us down to the bottom so I knew I had to be smart on this one and gather all I could for what the budget allowed. As I sat and tried to sort it out I just kept being bothered by the morning and the way it had gone. I hated dropping them off on days like this. I decided it was my decision today where my child was. I felt a burden that Princess needed some time with just me. Not to reward her, but to make sure her love tank was full as I've been in bed sick for two days and she has had no mommy really at all this week. I gathered up my lists and adds, purse and phone and headed out the door.
I went in and told them I needed to sign her out for the rest of the day. They gave me no trouble and called her out of class. She did not seem surprised to see me. I asked her why and she said she thought it was because of this morning. I was glad she affirmed that she needed some time.
We went to Trader Joes first and she wrote down the items and prices while I got what we needed. Total: $42.41
Next we headed to VONS for the specific deals I had found in the add. Foster Farms half chicken breasts for 99 cents a lb. and ground beef for 99 cents a lb. were some exciting sales since meat has been so hard to get at a good price. There was also some pork shoulder for 99 cents a lb which I plan to make into some BBQ pork which they love. That and some dollar bread and pretzels completed our trip. Total: $28.87
Now for Food For Less for pretty much any other non-add items we needed. I was excited to find they had a whole 4lb. lunch meat slab (for lack of a better word) for six bucks! I just need to ask my neighbor to slice it in their meat slicer and then plan to use some for other meals like some breakfast muffin flowers we have not had in a long time. Total: $52.44
Here we stopped for some girl time out at Panda Express. It's one of Princess favorite places. She and I shared a plate of mushroom chicken, noodles, and sweet and sour pork. Her picks. I decided the whole time I was not going to pick topics, or try to talk about life, I was just going to be there for her and let her talk. She talked lighthearted and casual and I think that was just what she needed. Lately there have been so many issues that we seem to only talk when it's about deep hard stuff. A little silly small talk is sometimes important.
Our last stop was for some produce that I had spotted on a Friday, Sat or Sunday only sale. We got a watermelon at 19cents a lb., red bell peppers at 50 cents each, mango's for 33 cents each (bought six to use in strawberry mango breakfast smoothies and maybe some chicken with mango salsa!) ready to go salad in a bag for a buck....cheap thrills, and tons of apples for school lunches. Total $25.06
For a grand total of $148.46... 52 bucks under budget!! That was what I was really hoping for to get those last few things through the next two weeks to make what I have at home work. It seems to be a better way of shopping for me. I get whats cheap, make some obvious meals and then work with the rest by adding one or two ingredients that Rick can pick up on his way home. Or just for another batch of bananas when my monkey of a son eats them all up the first week:)

When we started shopping it was sunny and we were looking for shade to keep the Trader Joes mink cold. By the third store, it was windy and beautiful big dark clouds were blowing in. Once we came out of Albertsons, it was raining! How fun, and it smelt so good! We rented two dollar movies at the machine too which was a fun thrill since we NEVER do that! She walked around sipping her concoction of Dr.Pepper mixed with Sierra Mist that she kept begging me to try out because it was so good. To which I kept making a funny face and tasting it anyway. We had a good time.
We came home and unloaded stuff with just little bit of time before it was time to pick up the other two. It was our secret that she had been home but she made them some butterscotch pudding for after school snack and pretended that I had made it when they got home. :)
So, it's rainy, Rick is due to be done at five and I'll now be heading into the kitchen to make Sloppy Joes, mashed potatoes, sauteed zucchini, salad and watermelon for dessert. Rick called a bit ago and said "oh, honey, that sounds so good!". I just love when he says that.
We plan to veg out and watch "Hotel For Dogs".
And that...was the day. Started hard but worked it's way back around. There is something about the struggle that makes the good times that much sweeter.

An Intimate Search For Goals From Prov. 31

2009-04-29T12:46:00.000-07:00

If you are like me, you may sometimes dread reading that passage. Especially when I was very young and had toddlers and babies around me I would just beat myself up that I did not achieve high enough. In fact, there should be a just for fun version of Prov. 31 for the new mom. That would be entertaining and the theme would be "grace in the midst of continuous survival mode".
Yet I found myself this week anxious to get to Prov. 31 even though it was not up on the calendar Proverb of the day yet. I wanted to take an intimate look at it and filter out what were some real sensible practical goals, not for perfection sake, but for the blessing it would bring for my life and that of my husband and family.
Through the years I think we all as Christian mom's define in our minds what a Godly woman looks like. Twice in my married life I have gone all out in skirts and dresses thinking that this made me a more Godly woman. The funny thing to me was that both times, and especially the last time about two years ago, my husband said he wished I would wear pants! I was in such a state of pride at the time that, though I did not tell him this, I responded in my heart that he was just not spiritual enough and did not appreciate true femininity. Oh, the Lord convicted me on that one, and I put my pants back on. (of course I wear dresses too but he does not like me wearing them every day and for those reasons). Later on, I found it quite cute that he liked me in pants and enjoyed the freedom of that. I tend to be an all or nothing person so I have to be very careful of legalistic patterns creeping up in my life. The homeschooling thing started to become this in me too and as some of you know from reading here for a while...God worked on me in that one too. Oh, I'm so relieved he does not let me go my own way! I'm so thankful he does not let me find salvation in ANYTHING else but Him.
Oh, yes, so....
I am only going to touch on the first three points today because I don't want to wear anyone out. I will come back and complete this walk though as the week goes on I hope (I'm battling a bad cold right now so who knows but I may be nursing sick kids soon).
One my notebook, I wrote at the top :
Practicality of Proverbs 31
(kind of a "how does this apply to me?" or "what would this look like for me?")

One huge thing to note first whenever approaching Proverbs 31 is to remember that it is in fact a poem of sorts written in the Hebrew to the 22 letters of the Hebrew alphabet. So, it would be like you taking the ABC's and coming up with a set of goals for what a woman aught to be. Or you could call it a prayer. It is infact however an ideal scenario and should be taken as a target to shoot for in the grace and power of Christ and not my willpower or pride.
It is also set in (as John MacArthur in his study guides points out) a "wealthy home and the customs of the ancient Near East" but the ideas still apply to all.

Vs. 11-12: "The heart of her husband trusts in her,

and he will have no lack of gain.

She does him good and not evil all the days of her life. "

= He can trust me to use our resources wisely and responsibly. I show him my loyalty through doing this. My decisions on these resources add to our family rather than take from them.

This one is very convicting to me for when I make spontaneous decisions with money when I 'm out and about. I recently told Rick that the girls were both going to need new tennis shoes and asked if we could set some money aside for them in the next paycheck. I did not really think about it except that I knew if I did not say anything, at the place where we are now, there would be no money. The amazing thing though, and the thing the Lord brought to me later, was that he thanked me for letting him know ahead of time and told me that it was very helpful for me to do that for him. Huh.. so simple.

The other aspect of this, and I think this one is all I'm going to get to today because of the time, is that my resources are not only the money he gives me to use. They are also the time in my day, the decisions I make with it, the care of the stuff we all ready have (i.e. clothes, food, furniture etc.), and guarding as well as maintaining my own energy level. That alone goes into many other categories of decision making like what I choose to eat, whether I use all that we have or waste it, whether I get enough sleep to have energy, how much time I spend on the computer etc.

And on that awesome send off note, that's it for today. More hopefully tomorrow.

(PS: Please feel free to comment, the blog has been so quiet lately. I hope my mixing things up so much has not left ya all silent. I do love to know that you're here and any feed back you have on the writings, thanks!)

We've Put Ourselves In Family Therepy

2009-04-27T14:33:00.000-07:00

....and the greatest therapy is laughing at ourselves.

I know, you thought we were in big trouble over here, so you clicked over. See how nosy we humans are!:) Just kidding, I set you up, drew you in, tickled your interest! Bruhahahahaha!!

I'm in a weird mood today...lookout.

Here's the scoop:

Rick and I were very tickled to get one more station when the rabbit ears turned to digital. We only got NBC before so another station was like "yippee! TV!". We were however very disappointed with the CW network. The only shining light was that the Cosby show was on every week day at 11am. The kids were sad they were missing out unless they were on break or home sick. I usually have my lunch or fold the laundry during that time. Rick and I grew up without TV so we have never seen them. In a world where TV is just not family friendly they have been a breath of fresh air.

The few times we were catching it the kids and all of us loved the family humor and so much of it we could relate to. I started to see episodes that just sounded like situations right out of our every day dramas and thought to myself "this would just be good for us to watch as a family".

So, we sent off for Season one through netflix. We made popcorn Sunday night and piled onto the couch. There was laughter all around and especially out of Lilo. She loves Bill Cosby and his funny faces. Princess seems to be lighter in her mood after getting a chance to laugh at the fact that families do what they do and her parents are not just the only ones as she had perhaps thought. Rick and I make cute laughing faces at each other on the Husband/Wife parts and our moods with each other have been lighter.

I remember about six years ago, we went through a very bad time in our marriage. Something huge and our Pastor stepped in to minister to us. One of the things he said after feeding us with the Word of course, was that we needed to laugh together more and laugh as a family at ourselves. That was hard for me to do at the time. It is so true that there is a time to laugh and a time to mourn and I was in a time of mourning for our marriage so laughter did not come for a while.

Now I reflect and think, if you just stick with each other and work things out there will be "laughter in the mourning" (Psalm 30:5- also worded "joy")

With all that we have now been going though with our growing daughter, this laughter has been good. I highly recommend making some popcorn and vegin' out to some Cosby. I think you'll find it fun.

Loved this one. It seemed so familiar for some reason!:)

I Present To You.....

2009-04-26T13:08:00.001-07:00

I've a little set of pass-a-longs for you today! Besides, after this little tid-bit I'm chilling out for the afternoon until my walk this evening. Sundays are glorious.

First I want to say that Princess is doing so much better and God has answered some prayers for me to be loving to her the way she needs it. I'm thankful for some breakthrough.

Okay...

I have a few new blogs to send you to. The first is an old fellow mission trip friend of mine. Tanja and I were on the same Teen Mission's Around The World Russia trip when we were teens. She is a Canook, specifically from Saskatchewan and even got snow just the other day! Wow, I still can't imagine that! She has a lovely blog called "EdenRune".

The truly amazing thing has happend though. Tanja and I went off from that summer, grew up, got married and lived our lives never realizing that we gave our son's the same name! Now, if you're son is named John, that might not be to incredible. However the name Caedmon (yes, I know I'm putting his actual name here instead of his blog undercover one...you don't have to email me lovlely helpful ladies that you are:)....I'm breaking my own rule this time) is NOT one you hear much at all.

The cute thing too is that she was telling me he has the same problem my son does at school. Some of the kids think his name is "Caveman"! They literally call him that and his mommy has to say "do you know, his name is actually (IPA: /ˈkædmɒn/) 'kaed-mon?" Even adults will cay "Caveman" or "kaed-uh-mon" . The caveman one get's me though when it comes from adults...I just can't believe they really think I would name my child Caveman.

SO>>> anyway...it's fun cawinkeedink, and very cool that Tanja is a blogger so I have a new side bar addition!

The second new blog is that of a lovely young lady in my church. Very talented in the art of dressmaking. I looked at what she has on there so far and I want one just to wear around and feel lovely! Maddie makes gowns for our local Civil War balls that a lot of the homeschool families go to. The site is to promote her work and display it. Go to: Clothed In Linen and Purple and have a look-see.

Lastly is a blog I just came across a long time ago and just browse now and then but want to keep up on more so I'm adding it to the blog roll. It's called "4 Reluctant Entertainers" and is just delightful on many levels. It's not one of those Suzie -homemaker- on- espresso (like that, I just made that up) blogs either (NOT THAT THERE IS ANYTHING WRONG WITH THOSE BLOGS AND I BETTER SAY THAT BECAUSE SURE ENOUGH I'LL GET A NOTE LIKE I DID LAST TIME I BROUGHT UP THIS SUBJECT:). The blog is refreshing and creative and in the here and now (as apposed to trying to recreate life as it use to be on Little House on The Prairie- NOT THAT THERE IS ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT EITHER....I just enjoy up to date and domestic art in our times NOW...because it is possible you know:) The food ideas are so healthy, colorful and make me want to EAT! It's one of those beauty in simplicity type blogs.

Now on to other things...
My kids just can't stop reading this book!

We got it from the local little library (Hi Judy, we love you! Judy is our librarian and you will find her blog linked here as well as her cooking blog which will be linked also at Happy Homebody Soon as the links there will become more domestically fine tuned) and the kids just won't put it down long. They carry it around the last two days and read it over and over. This morning Rick and I were sitting in bed as we always do every morning, having our coffee together and we got quiet to listen to Superkid reading it in the other room. He was reading it so well too. It was very sweet. We heard him slow down when he got to the word "anything" because that was a big one for him (he's in kindergarten). They think the book is so funny and it is. Go check it out and support you local libraries by actually going in them:).

Finally...

Just have to rave about my bravery to venture into new waters and make my own granola bars. I have put this off way too long and now that I've made them, I'm mad at myself for being afraid. THESE ARE SO DARN EASY! THEY ARE ALSO SO DARN GOOD. I'm heading into the kitchen after a rest to make some more for the week because the batch I made is CLEANED OUT! (I'm enjoying the caps lock today:) This recipe came out firm and crunchy but if you added a little more honey it would be chewier.

Oh, and if you get a minute, go over to visit Zimms Zoo, Christy has had some very thoughtful posts this week. I was blessed and you know me, I love when people dig down and find something churning in their hearts to share. I love it.

And I just had to share this cute picture of Shasta. She loves to get cozy on my bed. She's like a little puffy rug.

At a Parental Loss Part 2: New Growth Requires We Abide

2009-04-25T09:35:00.000-07:00

Thank you for those of you who said you would pray for us. I have to tell you, I was assured of it last night. The Lord did not let this thing just go on anymore. He allowed us to sit with Princess, though it was not planned out or anything, and just have a heart to heart. What I had feared from having to correct her so much had happened, she felt we were angry at her. In great sincerity of heart I told her that we were not angry at all, but we were desperate. We were desperate that her heart be in submission to Christ and that she would be walking in His ways. I explained to her that to love her, is to be desperately concerned for her. We discussed how parents who leave their children to do whatever they want and act anyway they want are not loving their children as much. My example I used was our neighbor who she knows let's her children eat anything they want. Even if it means they have hot dogs and chips every meal. Her son will not eat a single fruit or vegetable. Princess herself has heard this mom over at our house saying "I just told them, fine, eat whatever, I'm tired of hearing it". I asked her if it was more loving to work with the child to make sure they ate better or to just let them destroy their bodies because it is too hard or inconvenient to battle with them. She agreed it was more loving to make sure they were fed properly. So, I said it is the same with our giving of instruciton. It would be so much easier to just throw our hands and say "do what you want" or "say whatever you want to all of us" instead of working with you and letting your character development bother us enough to guide you properly. To feed your spirit with God's way and not let you starve spiritually.

We asked her to be reconciled to the Lord in her heart. To which she welled up tears in her eyes and said that she had prayed twice for the Lord and nothing happened. To which my heart just swelled with emotion for her. How, well we all know that feeling and I knew it was time to understand what being a Christian was so this is what I said:

"Christ is not a magic button, Princess. We do not just ask for Him to be our Lord and he reaches down with a wand and says 'bibidy, bobidy, boo!' and our lives and behavior are perfect. That is not the way it works.

Have you seen the little oak tree outside Princess? All of it's leaves are a deep green except for the little tips of the branches. If you look close, you will see that the final inch or so of the tree has a new spring green of growth for the year. That means that in a whole year of taking in nourishment, sun and water, that tree has this tiny result to show for it. It does not look like much, but many years ago, that tree was the size of your brother. Years from now it will be the size of the great beautiful oak by the grain mill that is in the 1800's pictures of the original schoolhouse. It did not happen over night. This little tree has to be patient to grow at the pace God has for it to grow. Every spring those little green leaves are a great reminder to me of His faithfulness.

Now, if the little tree had decided it was not happy with it's rate of growth and gave up saying "I'm not good enough so I'll stop trying" and as a result it shut down it's root system and rejected the light from the sun, what would happen to the tree?"

"It would die" Princess said.

"Yes, it would. And that is why Christ told us to abide in Him. He says that if we abide in him, we will bear fruit. We don't read our bibles and pray out of ritual duty, we do it because we long to be close to him and abide in his will every day. We are virtually opening up our roots and receiving the water of life, and turning our faces to his light to feed our souls. Even when the tree does all this, it grows slowly at times. Some years are better than others. But, it will keep growing if it accepts what God tries to feed it.

We are here as your parents to be used by God to feed you. We try to feed you instruction, wisdom, guidance, right and wrong, love, protection, and all the things you need. If you reject these things, it will stunt your growth. You are getting older and are now able to abide in Christ through us and on your own. You can take the time to pour out your heart to God even tonight and ask Him to be on the throne of your heart instead of you. We promise you that if you abide in Him, you will see change in your life. Not overnight, but you will see it. It's the same lesson for mommy and daddy, we need to abide also or we don't grow. You are not alone in this journey but the important thing is to stay on it."

That is kind of the just of it. She seemed to really understand. She was worried that she could not fall asleep praying. I told her that my dad, her Papa, use to tell me that if you could not sleep praying to the Lord was always the best thing to do. Not only does it made you sleepy, but it sends you out on a peaceful note and your soul is at rest as well as your body.

(my little oak tree and it's yearly spring green growth that reminds me every time)

Sure enough, my little girl, who I went to check on in a little bit, was peacefully sound asleep.

I'm Feeling At A Parental Loss

2009-04-24T09:20:00.000-07:00

I don't know what this post will become, I just feel the need to sort it out. Perhaps just be transparent so that someone else can know a real glimpse of my life.
It's very hard when you have a child that you struggle to communicate with. One that has a personality that is in some ways similar to yours but in most ways extremely different. Just absorbing the mere scientific fact of different brain processes and ways of absorbing information would be enough to know that some sensitivity has to come into play. Do you have one person in your life who, no mater what you say to them, they seem to hear it differently and get a completely different meaning from the one you intended? Or perhaps they don't get what you are saying at all. That is the struggle I'm in with my eldest. Rick and I both actually. I'm in a struggle and search right now, knees bent before the Lord in it, to learn how to love and communicate to this child in the way that she needs me to.
I was just telling a blog friend that God has looked down and purposed that we are the perfect parents for our children. I believe that with all that is in me. I trust his sovereign plan to use all that we present to her for the good he will work in her life. That he works through us rather that in spite of us. Yet, the last two days I have not doubted this, but wondered how it can possibly be working here. He knew we would have these problems with our clashing personalities and yet he still said in essence "it is good" for us to be mother and daughter.
I love my daughter with all that is in me but I need to learn how to love her better and how to let her know that I love her without ignoring some issues that she needs to work on in her character.
My personality is full of flaws itself for sure. Mine is one of a survivor mentality at any cost. To push through no matter what comes up, to find a way to make it work. I am not a very cheerful person all the time, but I do believe that being hopeful and positive is powerful and it comes naturally to me.
My child is a defeatist. She will halt from trying just from the mere projection in her mind that it won't work or that she can't. She will cry over school work the minute it does not come easily to her. Thankfully, she is very bright and most of her academics have come easy to her and I think that very fact makes her flip out when it does not. I on the other hand, struggled in academics and learned to find a way and push through doing the best I could each time. I tell her all the time that if you give up and start crying, your brain will freeze and you won't be able to sort out the problem. I have to calm her all the way down before we can move on. She flips if she gets one wrong on a test, or her grades are not straight A+'s across the board. When told by her teacher, during their state reports, that she needed to hand draw the outline of the US with her state in the middle...free-hand...she just could not do it! She tried and was so mad that it did not look right and was in angry tears by the end of about ten pieces of paper on the floor! I HAD to let her trace it from a map or we were never going to get through the project!
I cannot tell you how hard this is.
It's hard for me to see her throw up her hands and give up rather than try her best and be happy with that. It's just so not me. It's not her daddy, and it's not what her daddy and I have taught her or exemplified to her. It's like she just can't function a different way.
Another aspect that has been hard is ongoing negative thinking. For instance, and this is just an example: Lilo brought up in the car yesterday that she was so excited about the end of the school year party at the local pool. To which Princess says "Well, I'm just going to be bored because I'll be at the shallow end and all my friends will be in the deep end because they can swim better". I ask her how she knows that is true. She says that last time she was there, all her friends were in the deep end and she was left in the shallow end. I ask her when she has been to the pool with all her friends before. She says this was when her neighbor friend and another girl where there. That's just two people, I remind her, and "your class has 35 students! I don't think they will ALL be at the deep end ALL of the time you are at the pool." It's like she projects ahead and visualizes herself all alone and decides that she will for sure have a miserable time.
Yesterday was one negative response to life after another from the minute she got in the car.
I had a meeting I was supposed to go to at the school and I had arranged for my friend to watch the kids for me. She was distraught that she could not go home and rest, having some time to herself to listen to her book on CD and do her beads. I understood, I told her so, and that I really did not want to go either but that it was important. She started snipping at her sister because her world was unhappy and she got in trouble for that. As a result, she went in her room and started crying loudly so we could all hear her and spouting out various doom and gloom statements of how awful her life was and how she never had any time to herself. Now, mind you, I could tell she was tired. I suggested that she just lay down for the few minutes we had before the meeting. I even offered her my bed so that she could rest quietly without her sister coming into the room since they share a room. I was truly trying to validate her expressed need for time. She not only did not want that, she refused it and went on about how miserable it was that she could not do what she wanted. Tears again. I tried so hard to swallow so many things racing through my head. I prayed for wisdom and for self-control. I felt a sense of doom myself for a moment realizing that this was only the beginning of a long road ahead with h0rmone swings and efforts to be the strong yet sensitive parent I needed to be. I felt at a loss. I thought it best to let her cry it out but asked her to come to the couch and talk to me if she needed to. She just kept complaining and I finally had to tell her to stop. I asked her to be thankful for so much that she did have, and for the fact that I'm trying to be involved in what goes on at the school (I'm on the school site council which decides where the money goes in the school) and reminded her that I did not want to go myself but was trying to deal with that unselfishly as I was asking her to do as well.
On our way out the door she asked if she could bring what she wanted to listen to (the book on CD) with her. I was bothered by this because these friends of ours have three boys and one older girl, a year older than Princess. They homeschool, so this young lady does not get to do much with other girls her age. I asked her how she did not see that that would be rude to go to her friends and then proceed to sit in a corner and listen to something instead of blessing her friend with playtime. She said she really did not think of that. I tried to remember that she indeed sees life from a different perspective. She seemed earnest in this and I could not question her sincerity despite the obvious rudeness it presented to me. So, I accepted what she said and tried to explain how that would be insensitive to her friend.
I was running late by now. I dropped them off at my friends giving her a big hug outside before leaving and telling her that I loved her and I was trusting God to help us through these things. I told her I hoped she and her friend would enjoy the time. She was sulky but went on in.
I got up to the school only to find out that they had misprinted when the meeting was to be. It was not till next Tuesday. I wanted to rave to everyone about how hard I had worked to get myself there and what I'd been through with my daughter to get there as well. I took a big sigh and headed back out to my car. I drove to my friends house and she opened the door in surprise that I was back. I explained while Princess came down the hall (now, mind you, MAYBE 10 minutes has passed since I dropped them off) with a big grin on her face and said "but, I don't want to leave, I'm actually having fun!"
Something in myself just became overwhelmed with exhaustion. I smiled back and said, that I was glad and we would stay for about 15 minutes more. Inside I was not angry, not sad, not anything. I was just wondering how I was going to ride this roller coaster for seven plus more years.
That's all I'm going to vent out today. There is more but it may or may not be chatted on here.
I'm just seeking God and saying "show me how!". I know he is faithful but I feel weary. The other two are so easy going and I sometimes feel that I'm so worn and distracted from riding the roller coaster with one that I have to stop and say "oh, yeah, I'm your mommy too!" They can be up in the morning and everything is pleasant. Then Princess gets up and the whole tone of life changes. It bothers me that this happens. I ask her to be a peacemaker (her daddy has been teaching her that for so many hears) but instead she nit-picks at her siblings and always has some grievance about something. We have not been neglecting her heart on this either. We have been working on it for many years. We have taken her to the Word, and she certainly knows what's right. Yet, I don't want to always be on her and make her think that we don't love her or that she can't do anything right all the time. Yet, there are so many zillions of every day issues that there are few moments when things ARE going well for her. If she has a good day with everything going smooth for her things are great. As we all know, life does not work that way so there are so many moments of trial. I don't know how to get her to relax. I don't know how to get her to lighten up. I don't know how to get her to take things in stride. I don't know how to get her to see the good. I can tell her all these things till I'm blue in the face, and I have, but I cannot make her change. Only God can do that. I just feel overwhelmed with the HOW right now.

Few Things So Lovely

2009-04-22T15:21:00.000-07:00

Do you ever walk out on a cool evening just to catch a breathtaking sunset? Do you ever go and stand by the roar of the ocean and feel your soul just stretching out over the water to touch somehow the beauty your eyes take in? Do you ever look at a new life and just drink in the awe of brand new creation? All these things are glimpses of the glory of God and they make our souls absolutely soar with delight in something way bigger than we are. We were created to long for beauty beyond ourselves, the beauty of the glory of God. More in a minute.
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I love the second chapter of Acts. I love the amazing timing of God to bring the Holy Spirit at a time when so many men and women from so many nations would be gathered in one place to come to the knowledge of the gospel of God himself. I love that the fact that the Holy Spirit allowed the apostles to speak in all the languages that were represented there despite the fact that they had never heard perhaps a word of it themselves, let alone been trained in speaking it.
I love that it encourages me when I want to share the gospel with someone and just feel like I just don't "speak their language" seeing that we are so different perhaps, that the Spirit is given me just as it was to the Apostles and I don't have to worry about the details that God can handle.

I love that it reviews the fulfilled prophecy about the coming of the Spirit as well as the resurrection of Christ. It declares forth the validity of them both...rock solid.

I love that it includes the second most important event in church history (the first being the coming of the Spirit) being Peter's sermon which leads to the 3,000 converts all from those many many places ready now to go back, in perfect timing, to their own lands to declare and start the spread of the good news of salvation from sin.

Still, my favorite part comes at the very end. Just as any other thing right from the hand of God without the help of man, this picture is a lovely display of the power of the Spirit to accomplish the glory of God:
"Everyone kept feeling a sense of awe; and many wonders and signs were taking place through the apostles. And all those who had believed were together and had all things in common; and they began selling their property and ppossessions and were sharing them with all, as anyone might have need. Day by day continuing with one mind in the temple, and breaking bread from house to house, they were taking their meals together with gladness and sincerity of heart, praising God and having favor with all the people. And the Lord was adding to their number day by day those who were being saved."

Does that not make your heart soar!? Just like the other "awe" inspiring things I mentioned above. These people were experiencing a glimpse of eternity. They were filled with joy and selflessness toward each other even to the point that they felt they had all things in common. Now, as with any group of humanity, they of course did not have ALL things in common, yet they had all that really mattered in this life in common, and temporal things in ownership to Christ and therefore held it to each other with open hand. Wow, the unity of that, and what a different picture than the world around us going for what each man can get for himself and the building up of his own importance and confidence.
They were sharing the joy of food together in a wonderful fellowship. Not hording their own food for their own families (as they actually had very little and could have been perhaps justified to do so in the sense of it being more "smart" perhaps) but making sure all were provided for and met in their needs.
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It's obvious that in our world, every man longs for peace. He longs for the world to become a better place and for us all to just work together for the greater good. Though this desire is misguided through the fall and sin has twisted it into goal for blowing up our own vanities and the vanity of mankind itself (therefore positively effecting us as well), it comes from a desire given to us by God. Yet, our peace is found in LETTING GO of everything that would build us up and giving it in open hand to where God would use it for His purposes. It was such a beautiful picture of everything humanity is NOT on his own, that it drew in more and more unbelieving people. They were in awe of this unity.
I wonder if the church today is as beautiful to those who look upon us. It should be. It should be amazing what Christians do for others because of the love they have for Christ. They should feel that we would just as earnestly give what we had for a need they had as well. It is undeniable beauty and not something that we could just conjure up. Just like the sunset or the waves of the sea, it is awesome and God revealing. It makes us long to be a part of it because it is bigger than the self-seeking beings that we are.

If I Would Just Take The Advice I Give My 11 Year Old

2009-04-16T15:26:00.000-07:00

Working back into school this week after two weeks bumming and traveling has been a challenge. It allowed for some building issues with our oldest to bubble to the top and explode. I've gone on my knees, Rick and I have talked a lot, and I've employed my creative solution finding juices to search out some practical wisdom.
Here is kinda what was happening:
In the hour or so rush of getting ready for school, Princess realizes that she has left both of her school wearable shoes in the car....THAT DADDY TOOK TO WORK! Now, my mind goes by default to what in the world can I improvise with, but hers goes right to the very fact that the world, is indeed, ending. I try to stay calm and encourage creativity and finding something that will work even just for the day. I suggest some slippers that she has said are too tight. "Well, why don't you go try them on and see if it may just work for one day." She returns saying that they are too small and flop off her heal in the back. "If they were too tight, they would not flop off your heals dear". Still, she is in misery but decides it will have to do.
The problem however is that in the midst of this event, she returns to her room and snips off at her sister about something, and is repeatably disrespectful to me through small responses to the simplest things such as time reminders or "don't-forget-to" 's. She is mad, emotional, frustrated and all together not happy that her world has been turned on it's side. In the mean time, I am trying to stay calm in the midst of her crankiness to me and others but not ignore that it's an issue either.
(This was also the morning, if you follow my facebook you know, that I went to spray Superkid's hair with water in order to brush out his bedhead, only to discover Emma had put shampoo in the bottle and he had to be rinsed head hanging over the kitchen sink before taking off for school)
This beautiful morning was topped off by her injuring herself on the door handle of the car. She just emotionally fell apart. By now, I was feeling sorry for her despite the crankiness I'd received. I hate when she has to go off to school like that.
Ironically I came home to see her tennis shoes in the laundry room. Oh, well.
The next morning was better but when she could not find her homework the whole cycle was gearing up again and she started snipping at me and her sister again. My goodness, I thought, I cannot co through this over and over again.
So, I prayed a lot on Tuesday and thought about what to do.
It occurred to me that her problem was a 50/50 scenario. Half of the problem was the circumstance and the other was her choice of how to react to that circumstance. So, we sat down and told her later, if we can eliminate the first problem, it should ease up the second one. Beyond that, she needed to make sure better choices regarding her speech and attitude with her family and to focus more on bringing glory to God with her treatment of others. Those things that were becoming a problem needed to be done the night before. Shoes? Check..set out. Homework? Check...it's in the binder. What to wear? Check...folded and set out. As well as anything else needed the next day out of the norm. On top of this we added a 30 min wake up earlier time and told her we would try that and see if it helped her. She moves VERY, and I do mean VERY, slow in the morning. Lilo on the other hand is dressed in 10 minutes, packed in five and following me around the rest of the morning with her backpack on asking if she can go out in the carport and skate. If I could just find a medium!!!!
Her chores are also required in the morning so we had to allow room for those too. Her sister unloads the dishes, and she puts them away. She is to feed and water the cats and make her bed. It does not sound like much but there has not been time to get it done.
We tried this and it's working very well.
Then it occurred to me that I need to take my own advice. How many times I don't plan ahead or do the consistent things I should in a day and because of my lack of organization and planning, things go insane and I'm cranky to the kids or Rick. I do the same thing I tell her not to do. I take it out on them when it's really my not doing what I should.
So, I ask myself, what circumstances are keeping me from harmony in my life? I've started to find some.
Wake up enough to be cheerful before the kids wake up.
Clean the kitchen the night before entirely so that breakfast and lunches come together better.
Prep lunches the night before if possible.
Go to sleep at a sensible time.
Stay home and don't run around browsing or wasting time because a peaceful home needs keeping up on.
On that note, keep up so you don't have to catch up.
Think of dinner at about 10 am or earlier. Prep it all day to avoid the time crunch when the kids are home and tired and hungry and demanding.
Plan it so daddy can walk in to us at the table, set nicely, waiting for him.
Don't eat too much so that I'm too sluggish for my tasks, especially in the evening. (or you could call it, eat FOR energy, not against it)
Those are just some on the top of my head right now.

Sometimes answers are just more simple than we think. It's all the magic of forethought.

Easter Was Only The Begining and What Was To Come Is Of Colossal Importance For Every Day Life

2009-04-15T08:59:00.000-07:00

I had a hard time absorbing Easter this year. I felt myself making a concerted effort to stop and reflect on the death of my Lord and the significance of His resurrecting from the dead. The two biggest events in human history followed up by even the prior birth of Christ, one would think would move me each time beyond measure. Yet, sometimes it doesn't. Ooooh, that makes me sound like such a bad Christian does it not?!

The fact is, the crucificiton and the resurrection are events in history that I utterly believe in but that are far away from my own every day reality. That is just the truth of it. Only by the impression on my heart from God's Holy Spirit are my eyes even open to receive and believe those truths. Though they are massive, earth shattering, and eternally life changing to me, they are emotionally and practically a long way away from my every day and I feel I have to work my brain to travel back to what I even have knowledge of regarding their existence.

So, this morning I was greatly impressed and encouraged by an event no less significant that allows the "rubber" of the Easter story to hit the "road" of my life.

Most of you know that Passover is before Easter. That the last supper took place at Passover. That passover is a remembrance of when God rescued the Israel nation out of slavery and brought them into the promised land. It was a time to put the blood of a lamb on the door post so the angel of death would passover the home of those who put their faith in God. You also know that this was indeed a foreshadowing of the coming of Christ to be the Lamb of God, shed his blood, that though faith would allow the freedom from slavery to sin as well as salvation from eternal death.

Jesus was crucified after the passover meal and rose from the dead three days later. Of course his resurrection and it's significance trumps any other before or after existing belief regarding the salvation of humanity. It fulfills all prophecy to the "T", and it allows and points to the possibility of our own certain resurrection in bodily form before the creation of the New Earth as we are told in Revelation.

When Jesus rose from the dead he appeared to the disciples and ate meals with them to prove he was not just spirit but risen body as well. He remained with them for 40 days teaching them about the Kingdom of God.

All great events, all foundational and life changing for me of course. However, nothing I have participated in myself or been able to witness to where my memory is forever branded with experiential absorption of truth. What is experienced in my life happened 50 days after that Passover.

It's called the Feast of Weeks and is also known as "Pentecost" (meaning "fiftieth") celebrated 50 days after Passover in May/June (Lv 23:15-22). For years, and years, and years, the people of Israel came to Jerusalem to celebrate this important event.

It's astounding to me how consistent God is. I'm so thankful for that. How important absolutely perfect timing is to him as well. He is precise, concise, and affirmative. He used the events of Jesus to coincide and tie up all loose ends of the rituals of the Old Testament and make them complete and fulfilled. Wow. For it was at this exact time that the events of Acts chapter 1 take place. The promise given by Jesus (vs.8) to send the helper, the comforter, the source of power, the very spirit of Himself would come to pass at this time. It was called the Pentecost. During the former feast at Pentecost, the firstfruits were offered and the image is paralleled and fulfilled as the Holy Spirit came and brought the firstfruits of the gospel of Jesus the Christ through the salvation of the first Christians that day.

The amazing thing is that this is something I am a part of. It was the beginning, but I get to be part of the story. The apostles had to wait for this special event but all after are given the Holy Spirit at salvation. That means that the power that motivated Christ to obey the will of God even unto death, now dwells in me. It means that the comfort he gave out to others in his human life, is given to me, just as if his very hands were laid upon me. It means that his Spirit to fulfill the will of God on earth is moving and working even now on this earth and through His great grace, it is moving through my very life and circumstances. It means that my life can be decided in every detail by God's direction. There are no more chances, guesses or good luck/bad luck outcomes. Notice that even the last decision made by the disciples before the Holy Spirit came was made by the casting of lots. They cast lots between whether Matthias or Barabbas (or Justus) should be the disciple to replace Judas. They trusted God to decide through this practical process proven by their prayer in verse 24. It was an OT way of determining the will of God. That was about to change. God was about to become even more intimate than just saving our souls. He was going to hand us the very spirit of His son to navigate our steps till we reach the end. If we belong to Him and prayerfully decide what to do in life, He will lead us in the will of God. That is an amazing thing if you really think about it.

In summary, it's kind of a "that was then, this is now" story. Try as we might to muster up emotions and significant responses to the events of Christ's cross and resurrection, we waver and we fail. We come and we go. We are unpredictable and unsteady. We are distant from the event itself and unable to grasp it's importance fully.

Then God gave his intimate solution to the problem he knew all to well that we had. Wanting to help us, love us, and guide us through, he unleashed the Holy Spirit of his beloved Son into our very lives so that He can navigate and keep faithfully that which has been in trusted to His care. We are not powerful. We are not comforted. We are not wise. We are not fulfilled and focused. Yet the event of the Pentecost, 50 days from Passover, and up and coming on your calendar, is the phase two in the Easter Story. It is the hand to be held, the motivation to be used, the peace to be permeated, the direction to be led, and the companion so treasured along the rest of a journey for the Glory of God. For Him, to Him, and by Him, making us complete in Christ.

So, whatever you do....don't stop celebrating if you believe, because this is where YOU come in to the story itself!

Be encouraged.

Why I've Joined TOPS

2009-04-14T14:00:00.001-07:00

I had never heard of TOPS before. (Taking Off Pounds Sensibly). Evidently they have been around a long time, since 1948. Who knew?

Well, my neighbor and friend Shonda had heard of them long ago and just recently came across their website. We went and checked it out. It was a little weird at first. The mass of the crowd are 70 year old ladies. They had a pledge they said and a song of encouragement and hand holding during the song, at the end. Not my cup of tea at all. Still, I returned last night and Shonda and I joined. Why?

Well, because I simply cannot afford Weight Watchers which averages 40 dollars a month. This group is 26 for a year membership and 8 bucks a month. When they get more people they can lower the monthly to five. That is what most of them are. This one just was not making the rent on the building.

I am joining because I need the accountability for my yo-yo health goals. You do weigh in each time and the meetings are once a week. You do have to say if you lost or gained and if you lost they clap for you and if you gained they chant "we're glad you're here". Yes, I was employing my sense of humor. :)

Last night it was more fun and I actually enjoyed being around all these elderly ladies. I don't hang out in that crowd very often. There are a few men in there to and a few in their 50's but Shonda and I are a definite dive down on the average age scale.

Many have come and gone out of the TOPS group and gained every time they left. Another is an example to them all as she joined 25 years ago, met her goal, and has attended to maintain for the remaining years. She has stayed within her range that whole time. That range would be no more than three lbs above your goal, and no more than seven lbs under.

So, I'm taking the plunge. It sure helps to keep you focused. I'm going to keep an exercise meter in mileage on the blog.

There site is here if anyone is interested.

Okay...THAT, Made Me Mad

2009-04-12T19:04:00.000-07:00

I know it's Easter, and yes, I've had many deep thoughts today on many good things. I have also got a good head list of some bloggables this week so I don't mean to come here and be negative on a holiday but....

I was just at Walmart for some TP and laundry soap (very exciting shopping and especially great seeing how I returned some shorts and two tops to have the money to get them. that's kind of like counter active shopping for a woman don't you think? I was there with the kids and did not try the tops on. Am I the only one who can't get tops to fit right anymore? If they fit in the bust, they are tight in the belly. If they fit in the belly they are expectantly disappointed in the bust. I'm just not made properly I guess. No wonder rich people look so good..they have tailored clothing!)

Where was I...

Oh, yeah. I was in the check out and had a really really hard time with the latest National Enquirer. I know they should not be expected of much at all that's dignified, but this was beyond abominable. They had pictures of Patrick Swayze "wasting away" a they were calling it I think. It broke my heart.

If you have loved someone and seen their body waste away literally like that, in your own arms, loosing all faculties one by one in a slow and painful method of digression as it eats away at your instinct to love and help them, you would never....EVER post that anywhere.

What awful people to be so insensitive. This is not some affair had with so and so. This is not someone caught with their visible cellulite backside. This is a man facing the reality that he is going to die and trying to live life fully while he deals with that. This is aging in fast forward and feeling one by one things you could control fall out of your hands and into the hands of the almighty. This is the truest journey a man takes. It is his own journey. It is pain for those around him who love him as their very hearts are being ripped out and rung like a wet washcloth until their is nothing left to ring out and the well of emotions run dry completely.

This is not and never should be posted for interest of the buyer. It should never be blared like the newest gossip. That is as low as I've seen anyone go.

Shame on them.

I try to think about the fact that they simply don't know what they are doing.

It doesn't help much.

I think I will be sure to say a prayer for Patrick and that he would be encouraged and feel the love around him fuller than he ever has before.

Born In The Wrong Decade

2009-04-10T10:40:00.000-07:00

When Rick and I went up to Hearst Castle I got the same tingle in my spine I always get when the tour bus starts playing the 30's and 40's tunes. Though the Castle is full of very old art, it was alive and busy during this time period until Hearst grew ill in 1947 and was unable to live there anymore. BTW do you know that Hearst asked his Southern California doctor to consider coming to Hearst to be his personal physician so that he could live where he wanted to the most before he died? Hearst offered the doctor the DEED to Casa Grande (the large "cottage" in front of the castle) for his whole family to live there. The doctor turned him down and I'm sure the descendants have been chewing on that decision ever since!:)
Anyway, being up there always reminds me how much I absolutely love that time period.
If I could order my time period I get to live in or recreate it somehow without looking odd to my neighbors I would:
Wear darling house dresses accented with the most delicate and domestic aprons:

Working in a kitchen much like these:

I would have listened all day at home working or cooking or setting the dinner table to this:

GO HERE (also the new background to The Happy Homebody)

It is absolutely my favorite, never tire of it, kind of music. Of course, my treadmill choices are much more up to date. You can't really sweat to this music, but you can sure love life to it.

I would go out on dates to do this with my husband (and we do plan to learn this someday though perhaps a more mellow version! BTW this is from a great movie called "Swing Kids" and you may recognize if you look closely the current Batman actor in is early days:)

Or out to dinner dressed like this:

As you may imagine..the costumes on "Kit Kittridge" thrilled me:
But I would also love to deck my children out in full Dick and Jane as well:
My sweetie's job would put him dashingly in this: (though he would hate it because he ALWAYS loves shorts instead)
Truly it was a hard time in history. The great depression was on going and families were learning to make due. I remember my grandma telling me that my great grandmother could take anything and make a meal and almost every meal included homemade biscuits or cornbread. They ate lots when the eating was good, and less when it was not. There were no ways to just come up with credit for something. They became resourceful. Out of their resourcefulness women learned to be true artists. Artists of the home. Making beauty from simplicity and taking great pride in their work. It shows in the beauty of even the simple aprons and the little dresses made from flour sack calico. The music of the time is full of feeling and a deep desire to pull the good out of life and hold on to it. To have a penny in your pocket and a skip in your step as you went about getting by loving those you loved and making life good for each other.
It is a charming time, and an inspiration to me in many ways.

Soon I hope to share my own making due charm of a window covering made from my own thrifted vintage aprons and a walk through a very old personal cookbook collection that was an amazing walk through another woman's life in another time. Coming soon.....:)
We seem to have lost that which was charming in the rush to that which is newer and better and in the end, really does not work as well or last as long. In our wares, our schedules, and even our relationships. Maybe the times to come with teach us to slow down and make life charming again.

How To Stay Married

2009-04-09T19:01:00.000-07:00

I read these in the latest Readers Digest and thought they were great:

The secret to marriage is the same as the secret to living in California...

When you find a fault , don't DWELL on it!

Marriage is all about falling in love over and over and over again......

with the same person.

(no quotes because I'm paraphraising and too tired to look up who said it)

I thought those were great and the last one thrills me. It's so true.

I've recently fallen in love again myself.

Take a Little Scripture, Put It In Your Pocket...Save It For a Rainy Day

2009-04-08T08:43:00.000-07:00

There is certainly nothing wrong with that. The right verse at the right time has been a great encouragement to many. But I've been pondering the problem with a pattern of feeding on the word this way. It's like spiritually starving yourself on a few peanuts you carry around in your pocket. After a while your malnourishment catches up with you.

I also apply this analogy to when scripture is "carried" around and quoted for use by the person needing that one biblical quote that makes valid their point in conversation. It can just be thrown out there as emphasis but rarely is it studied for context or meaning. Many times I have been swayed into an idea by someone I respected doing this to me. I did not know the word enough myself to discern their proper usage of it.

As I'm in this new and different mode in my life right now that I spoke of before, I feel the need to purge my impressions and influences down to (1) what God's word itself says and (2) who God wants me as the individual he made, to be. Therefore I'm growing weary and shockingly considering ridding myself of books related to conduct rather than concept study.

For instance, I have long been a fan of Elizabeth George books ("A Woman after God's own Heart" books). Many of the things she has to say are good but they are all on the definitions of conduct for a godly woman. I use to go more to these to find out what I was supposed to be. They have some great example to offer but they really are just another version of looking to others to see what defines a godly woman instead of intimately seeking the Lord through study of His word, for Him to show me the conduct of THIS godly woman (or aspiring one anyway:). I remember one example in particular where Elizabeth George mentions that a woman ought to keep the house so well, and wipe the surfaces of everything before heading out the door each time in order for herself and her family to always come home to a clean house. It sounded great and godly at the time, but really? Is that really what defines godliness? Or is it just the expressed preference of one christian lady writer and a reflection of her own personality. Is the woman who is not so tidy not as godly of a woman and not a "woman after God's own heart?". Hmmm.

Please don't think I'm nitpicking...there are many good things to be gleaned out there in the world of Christian women's books. I'm just feeling the need to get right to the source more. I have found that my understanding is not as great when a women's book tells me "now turn to this scripture here, and that one there" after trying to back up a concept on womanly conduct that she has presented. THIS IS NOT BAD, and I'm not saying it is. I'm looking for better. I'm looking for 100% pure, with no flavors added.

So, I have greatly enjoyed the inductive study method through the tools of Kay Arthur's Precept Study Guides. (You can find out more about this at the Precept Ministries Site) These along and many times buddied up with the wonderful teaching of our Pastor, who goes through large sections, usually books, of scripture at a time, have changed my understanding and comprehension of scripture so much more. For instance my Pastor is in the book of Acts right now so I am using the Precept Study Guide for Acts. God is always faithful to fine tune my understanding of the conduct of my life every time I go straight to his word. It's just starting to feel like getting to the point instead of beating around the bush and having to filter out how one person prefers to do certain things and label them "godly" or "ungodly".

What I do appreciate in Christian writing more and more are books that are conceptual. Those concepts or topics on understanding aspects of scripture or God himself. John Piper, Jerry Bridges, Randy Alcorn, and John MacArthur are just some of the tip top favorite examples. These men have been pouring themselves over God's word in the inductive study methods for sure, for many years. God has opened their hearts with passions for different topics and enlightened their understanding and desire to share. Those are the books I feel I'm not wasting my time on.

So the bottom line is that as I'm asking myself "Lord, who do you want me to be?" it is only one of many questions my heart asks. The others are "Lord, who are you?" or "Lord what does it mean to suffer in life when we know you? or "Lord, what exactly is your plan for humanity?"...and many others. The first question I'm finding is better answered going right to God's word and letting him intimately show me. Who he wants me to be cannot be found in the hundreds of women's books on what a woman should be. Yes, I could read them all and I could probably put together a picture that's true but that would be after I spent hours sifting out what was NOT me and what was or what was scripture and what was preference or personality. Scripture is living and breathing and equip for all teaching and conduct. Why not go right to the source?

Scripture is more than a verse in my pocket when I need it or more than a tool for one person to validate their way of doing things. It is an intimate understanding and connection to God who desires to show us personally where and how and why we should walk. To do that I need to learn in a conceptional and inductive way. Once I've done that, then I can carry that verse in my pocket knowing from whence it came and what it means in context to the whole. It's the bigger picture that will gain my understanding, convict my heart, and light the path for my next step ahead.

It's quite a relief that God all ready knows who I'm supposed to be in him and just waiting for me to come to Him so that he may show me. I don't have to try on a bunch of other personalities for size only to find them uncomfortable and stifling.

I Call It Magical Motivation

2009-04-07T16:00:00.001-07:00

Even a homebody needs to move, and it has been my goal this year to learn to run. I have never liked running....ever. I would tell anyone I know that I hate running and I do...or should I say did.
I found something out about myself. I was not running right and not using the proper motivation. I would walk fast during a show I like and then run the commercials. I could barely get through the five minutes of running. I was dying for that darn commercial to be over! Then, last week I found I did much better with the right music and starting low at about 4.2 mph. Before I would jack it up to 4.8 and it was not a pace I could keep long.
I've been doing this new method for a week and stretching myself to run up to a 4.5 or more for ten and even 15 minutes without slowing down. It's quite easy and feels really good actually. I'm able to run at least half of the hour work out and that would translate into 2 miles worth of running and 2 of walking. My goal is to run the whole hour in a few months.

Right now it looks like this

Warm up 10 min

Jog 10 min at about 4.2

Walk 5 min at about 3.8

Jog 15 min at 4.3-4.5 or more

Walk 5 min at 3.8

Jog 10 min at 4.2 or more

Walk 5 min to cool down

Music is magic to me and unfortunately there is not a lot of great running christian music out there, though Toby Mac is pretty close but my kids listen to it so much I'm needing a fresh set of songs.
Here is my new playlist geared up for a good bit of jogging. If you want to use it, it's here. Like I said, it's not meant to be spiritually inspiring. I have to test it out this afternoon to make sure it's long enough for a 1 hour workout.

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I'm Getting Older and Coming Into Myself Unashamedly

2009-04-07T11:50:00.001-07:00

I have felt strange the last few days. It's probably got a lot to do with coming down off the high of the weekend. Now, today it's raining and there is something about the rain that opens a spring of ongoing thoughts in my head. So lookout....here it goes.

I've just about given up on blogging. I've asked myself why. Myself answered pretty quick. I'm tired of many aspects of it. I'm at that point in my life when I really long for deep relationships with people who really know me and STILL want to be my close friend. I feel more bonded to my husband than ever and find him the closest friend I have. As the years have gone by there is far less pretense in our relationship and I truly can be myself and speak my mind. I've often wished I could run a blog that way. It's not as easy as that. Many people are really good at just posting how they are doing or what's going on. I like that too but my huge compulsion is to speak my mind and be who I am which is far more dangerous. Sometimes people don't want to know who you really are. They may not like the things you say, or the way you say them. They may not think what you talk about on the blog is appropriate for discussion and they certainly come from their own life perspectives which will in turn, interpret what you say in a way you never saw coming. Is is possible to find unconditional love in the blog world? No, I don't think so. True friends are the ones you can hug now and then and sit down to tea with. Still, meeting new people is so fun and I've enjoyed bogging for that. The fact is though, they don't really know me and I think I need to stop expecting blogging to be that social connection in my life. It's a world where everyone is putting their best foot forward. It's really truly an outlet and not an inlet. The whole true art of it is to do what I've held back or tried to work around...being yourself.

I'm coming into myself in a way I never have before. I'm wanting to more true to those I love, to God, and to myself. There is no room in trying to compare yourself or pattern yourself after others in that, or even to keep up the show of being your own best foot all the time. I've tweaked and twisted my blog to protect myself from some effect of what others think or may do with what I've shared. I have not been the same since I've locked this blog down. I felt like I had been locked down. Trying to run two blogs, one that I can talk on and one that I have to filter is driving me nuts. I came here to be myself unashamedly and not to be what was acceptable to some. I came to share my life, as many do, but also my thoughts on life which are my own.

I guess what I'm saying is that I want it on my terms or I don't want to do it anymore. Blogging is a different art in that sense because it's much more vulnerable than any painting or song. Those arts can be critiqued for their singularity, but a blog puts all of you out there for others to do as they please with. Really, it's not a very smart thing to do. Some of us are compelled to write to the point of it being a need. That would be me.

So, this is really going to bug all of you who have to change it back on your side bar, but I'm opening the blog up again and really don't care what comes of it. I'm tired of letting others orchestrate it and what I chose to or not to talk about my life. What happened was definitely done to me and my sharing my heart on what the Lord has done in my life is not something I'm sorry I did. I'm sorry that some decided to meddle and disturb my mother with it though. I'm not going to let myself be punished for their bad decision to meddle.

I'm also in a strange place spiritually right now. Everything is great in my life but I kind of feel like I've been spiritually coasting for a long time. Like you just came down from the grade and your speed seems it's going to keep you sailing for a while but you actually find yourself slowing down sooner than you think. Even having a passion for Eternity in my heart can make this life a little weird. I guess with the political and spiritual climate I've kinda felt like "let's just get it over with shall we" or "just hang on till it's over Alicia". My apathy aggravates me. It's not a feeling of hopelessness or depression at all, it's more like a lack of fire to produce anything substantial. I guess I've been feeling spiritually blah. No mountain tops in sight right now. I feel like I should not complain, everything is good in life. I just feel the need for a Spiritual espresso...grande or tall please. Wake me up to something Lord! Move me. It's obviously time to get into the word. Yet, at the same time I don't like my life being full of emotional spiritual ups and downs, so that's not what I'm asking for. I'm like a soldier begging for a mission. Aware that the small work everyday is important...I desire a challenge and feel way too pensive.

There has to be a song for this.

Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm all about being real more and more in my life. Not about impressing anyone. Not about censoring myself but about becoming someone authentic. The hard thing about that is that not all of life and reality is sweet and pretty. Not even for the believer. To get to the mountain we have to go through the valleys, big or small. Even that is a huge spiritual analogy and my goal is for even more of the mundane everyday authenticity. I'm starting to get down to the bottom of my thoughts, scratching the end of the supply of genius and wondering "Where the heck was I going with this?" There has to be more to sort out, I just can't seem to get to it. Perhaps the clouds today are seeping into my brain.

Practically ....The Happy Homebody is going back to a cooking and household ideas blog. I'm taking the lock down off this blog. I'm going to be who I am from my spot on the planet and not let the world frustrate me for being so. I'm going to seek authentic relationships with people who are comfortable in their own skin and are shooting for eternity with me. Imperfect as we are....marching on ...coming into ourselves and what's really going on in our heads as we learn how to navigate this temporal pilgrimage. Anyone with me? It's okay if you really don't even know what the heck I'm talking about cause I hardly know myself. I came here try to sort that out. The blog world is just feeling a little stuffy to me and I think it's time to open some windows people and let some fresh air in. Spring clean your brain and find an original thought in there somewhere. Take a deep breath and feel that you're alive with passions and ideals and not anxious to just be marching in a matchbox of humanity all saying "yes" and "is that so?" while in your head your 20 miles away trying not to show it.

"Come On Baby, Let's Get Away"

2009-04-05T20:44:00.000-07:00

I love exercising to that Janet Song on my Project Playlist , and I truly had a great Escapade weekend!

Today marks 12 years since my sweet fella and I said it would be "forever", and I'm so much more in love with him today than any year or moment before hand. Time makes love better like a good wine. Many people miss out on that because they tire of it before it mellows and sweetens. God knew what he was doing when he said "stick it out, people!".

We headed out on Friday and dropped the kids off with my mom. I was nervous how they would be for her. Even when Dad was alive, they did not take them EVER for two nights. In fact, this was our first two nights away in 12 years. They did great, and I'm relieved.

We stayed in Cambria which is our favorite get away. It was a lovely suite at Cambria Pines Lodge with two fire places and a jacuzzi tub...yeee haw! The GREAT deal he got included dinner with a bottle of wine (Yes, I ordered Fillet Mignon and he a New York steak, baby!) and two hot all-you-can-eat breakfasts. Such a deal and lovely place.

We headed out Saturday for a tour of Hearst Castle since we kind of started that tradition on our 10 year anniversary. We did tour #2 which he had never done and I did when I was about 11 (The main library)

years old. It is the one you get to see his room , the libraries, Julia Morgan's room, and my favorite (drum roll please!) ...the KITCHEN! OH, Yeah! That is my dream kitchen and YES, I (does that counter not scream for you to make SOMETHING!!!!)

DO remember seeing it when I was little. I have loved kitchens subconsciously I think. Oh, my goodness, the vintage beauty of an old kitchen! Old machines, huge stainless steel counter top (ovens and rotissary with the mixer and meat grinder in the background for all that fresh beef right off the ranch hills)

that was about 20 feet by 5 feet in size (are you not drooling by now?). The old wooden cabinet looking iceboxes with old metal seal hinges....oh, my. All the food was for (this is just the pantry..can you imagine the culinary potential?!!!)

the most part, grown on the ranch at Hearst, so we are talking fresh herbs, fresh fruit

and veggies and Jersey cows giving milk to make cheese and butter. Can food making get any better than that? I ask you.

Rick liked his smaller library with it's Greek collection of goblets and vases. It was cozy and inviting. The main library was much more formal but beautiful and well lit with natural light.

Julia Morgan's room was built to her scale (she was very short and designed the room herself) and if you have ever seen it, it's very unique with a tiny staircase winding up to her loft bed area.

Of course it was a gorgeous California day, and the view was spectacular.

We went from there down into the heart of Cambria and walked through some antique stores. Now, most men don't enjoy this venture, but not my man. He loves it. It helps to marry a man who loves history and it's collectibles. I look at the Pyrex, he looks at the coins, books and comics. We had a blast. I found an old Crazy Daisy Juice Carafe that is very hard to find, and he found a comic book and an old Bambi record he says is an exact replica of one he had as a child. It includes a lovely large story book.

From here, we traveled down to Trader Joe's and picked out our lunch/dinner picnic needs/wants. Wine, dill Havarti, German cheese, salami and other Italian meats, a bit of smoked salmon, grapes, bread, and some veggies and a Greek Yogurt w/ cilantro and chives dip. Ahhh.. We headed up to a wonderful new sand dune at Montana De Oro that we picnicked just days before with the kids. From it, you can see all of the coast including all of the Morro Bay area. It was my favorite time of all. We watched the sun go down and the dolphins come in to shore to feed. Breathtaking and unforgettable. We sat up so high that we were warm and windless pretty much until the sun went down and the temps dropped so quickly. I wanted to stay and star gaze, but Rick had a good point that we would be hiking back in the dark since we did not have a flashlight. It was quite a hike back to the car too. So, we stayed until Canis Majoris came out and Betelgeuse in the upper right shoulder of Orion followed by the final star in this perfect triangle which I can't recall the name of.

The next day we took our time and had breakfast and one more run through the antique stores before heading back to get the kids. Rick gave me a beautiful gift of a turquoise necklace and ear rings for our anniversary. It is my birthstone but more than that, he loves me wearing it because of my Indian heritage and complexion. It was beautiful. He did a great job. As if I was not spoiled enough, he let me pick out a Turquoise ring at the antique store to go with it. I think he really likes it on me. I did find one, and love it.

It was one of the best weekends of my life and I wished it did not have to end. Still, we do love our children and it was good to bring them home.

Twelve years goes very fast and I feel as if the next will too. I love him more than ever and in a more deeply and fascinatingly complicated way. It is both fully accepting of that which bugs me, and that which I love and produces the most real and yet piercing passion for a man that will ever consume me.

Yes, I will let him read this. It's good he knows. :)

Poets may write, singers may croon,

Wise men may ponder beneath the moon-

Many may feel in similar way,

Or say better now, what I have to say.

But here is a beating that never will end,

A heart for my endless lover and friend.

From me, happy 12th!
Give me more where they came from.

Love you.

When "How DOES She Do That?" Bogs You Down

2009-03-27T12:15:00.000-07:00

I've been hanging out at the school a lot today. Princess has a noon Easter picnic I'm here for and I decided to give myself a "day off" of sorts and enjoy the Internet in the computer lab for a while. I REALLY look forward to getting my computer back. I was just reading Money Saving Mom and thinking "ahhhh, I really need this resource!"
While there I found a great new blog I want to check out more when I DO get my computer again. It's called The Prudent Homemaker. I like that she tries to live off of what she has more and that her recipes are categorized as well by seasons of the year. I hope to do that more in the future.

However, skipping over to her blog just sent me off an emotional cliff of sorts from building thoughts the last few days.

I've been tired since coming back from the science camp with Princess. It was so fun but I was only away from the cabin of six girls for 45 minutes each day and the second day my 45 minutes were spent coloring the props for their little skit they all get to put on while there. So, I was quite tired.

I arrive home wanting so badly to pick up my projects for spring but having NO energy and somewhat of a head cold. I start feeling this mounting pressure in my mind of all the really great things I want to do. Here are some of mine:

Finish staining the fence

Hoe up the garden

Expand the garden by digging up more ground

Sand the play structure and stain it too

Sand the deck and stain it (replace the two bad boards)

Have the girls plant their personal gardens in the half barrels

Build the steps off the back of the deck

Move the stepping stones to where they now need to be

Put boarders on the grass

Dig up the yard the dog destroyed and re-seed it

Level out under the play structure and prepare it for pebbles or sand

Oh, I won't go on and bore you!

Those are just my outdoor things.

Before I left I spent a week doing outdoor things. The result? My yard looked better, my house looked worse. I was bad about dinner making and exhausted by eight.

Lately I have been feeling the days are shorter and shorter and shorter. How DO some people do so much and categorically document their doings as well? How DO some women cook from scratch, nurse a baby, plant a garden, school their children, sew their clothes and whatever else superhero mom stuff they decide to do? I love gleaning from their ideas but really, HOW?

The Lord speaks to my heart by this time and that is really what I wanted to share. I recall this little song I learned as a kid and I don't know what it is or where it's from but this is the part he brings to mind:

"we all have different talents,

we all have different gifts,

we all were fashioned out to fill

a special little niche" (at least that's how I remember it:)

I remember that the only solution to life is to let the Lord lead you from one thing to the other. It all comes back to simplicity. Asking what He wants of me today. There are so many great things I want to do, learn, accomplish, experience and so on, but there are very few things he has in the day for me to do. That is the reality of it.

I truly believe that this feeling is part of the curse of our stunted lifetimes. I believe we were given a drive born out of the creator himself to do, create, accomplish and experience an eternity of things. All of these involve his creation, ourselves and each other. We are SUPPOSED to want to do so much. Yet, the reality of it is that here on earth, we just won't be able to. Again, I look forward to that in eternity. This is why reaing Randy Alcorn's book changed my life. Somehow I grew up in a Christian home not really understanding what eternity and heaven would really be. When we remember that, we can let so much go and be more focused on God's mission for our alien journey here. I have long since wanted to put a cute sign on my home that says "This is a tent, it's not my home". We are only passing through and with limited resources of many kinds. Our brains cannot learn enough, our money cannot buy enough, our time cannot produce enough. The greatest gift is learning to be okay with that I think. The greatest joy is finding what God has in the midst of it that IS for us, each and every one. Because when it's something GOD has for us here on this earth, we WILL have the knowledge (from Him), we WILL have the strength (from Him), we will have the funds (from Him), and we will have all that we need according to HIS riches and HIS glory.

So, if you are feeling like I have been the last few days and you just feel like you don't have enough or do enough, remember with me to ask for your portion and know that's it's enough because it's from Him who gives fully and who holds more for you down the road.

If Ever I Would Leave You, How Could It Be In Springtime?

2009-03-26T10:22:00.000-07:00

I have lived in California for about 25 years now. I use to hate that it was so dry all the time. I swore when I grew up I would move somewhere where it was green. I met Rick and thought how wonderful it would be to move to Washington state where he is from. It never occurred to me growing up though that green came from lot's of rain. I like sunshine so that became a problem. Rick loves the sun more than me so he doesn't really want to move up there because of the clouds. We do love visiting though! Every time we come home we remember why we love the sunshine though. It puts joy in our hearts and spring in our step. Except when it reaches 112* or more in the summer. That's a good time for a trip to green places!
Still, when California is in it's spring, there is hardly anything more beautiful. When the rolling bare hills are a bright Irish green, and the lupines and poppies are in bloom, you feel as if you are walking in an opened live storybook.
I just got back from a 5th grade science camp with Princess over between San Luis and Morro Bay. It was gorgeous out there. The green hills with their igneous rock showing though and the small sections of oak forest were breathtaking. The sunshine hitting your face and bouncing off the spring grass made you want to live outside forever. Down at the ocean it was crisp and blue and the otters were playing in the seaweed beds. One had a baby on it's tummy as they lay in the sunshine together. Perfect weather the two second days. Very cold the first.
It really satisfied my craving to be outdoors that I've developed lately. I really have been feeling the spring fever this year like I don't remember ever doing. I think grief and sadness can make you numb for a while. This year I have wanted to plant flowers, fix up the outside, feel the breeze in my face, and sit out and enjoy the warm sunshine. The soil even smells good to me and it feels good to get my hands dirty.
I greatly appreciate that the public school worked so hard to get the kids out to this camp too. Many kids don't get to get out in nature and learn from it anymore. They did some fundraisers and the schooled paid what was left. I plan to write the Principal who is a great Christian man, and thank him. They watched birds and checked off in their field journals which ones they saw. They learned about looking at leaves to identify what kind of resources that plant did or did not have. They learned how the food chain makes a dependant web. How different types of rock were formed. I decided to pipe in on our rock formation discussion that Creation Science believes that these seven sisters of ours would have been created during the flood when the earth opened up and lava poured out. The naturalist leading that hike was very positive about my interjection and I plan to write the camp a thank you for her respectful attitude. "Absolutely", she said "there are different theories scientist have as to how these events occurred." I was not sure what her reaction would be since this was a public school group of kids. Of course Princess teacher herself is a Christian so she makes sure to point out that evolution is indeed a theory. Truth be told, that is exactly how the public school SHOULD be presenting science since the scientific method itself cannot be played out fully on either creation of evolution. Step three is to test and neither can be tested or witnessed personally. We can only observe and theorize. Beyond that both fall into the category of faith.
Spring break is coming up for the kids. They get two weeks starting next week. Rick has it off and we plan to do some hiking and beach combing. We hope to get out and enjoy our beloved state while the green is here! The sweet peas should be out soon too along the coastal roads. They are highly anticipated by me this year.

On a news note: Our Foster process is still ongoing and we appreciate any prayers. We are in the final licensing process that should be complete by early May.
Note also: many of my posts here will be doubled over at "Happy Homebody" unless they contain personal information such as this. So, if you read over there, the post on this end may have more details at times.

Is It Really "The Happiest Place On Earth"?

2009-03-15T18:19:00.000-07:00

We still don't have a computer. After Dell sent ours back refusing to fix it (URG!) we got very busy with our requirements for Fostering and getting ready for a trip to Disneyland!!!

A couple in our church graciously blessed and astounded us with five four day passes for our family at Christmas time. We were so shocked.... I cried. We told the kids on Christmas Eve and I wondered at the time why they were not very excited, as I was. When we were getting ready to go though they were not able to sit still. Lilo was pacing the kitchen with her roller luggage and pillow in hand way before it was time to go out the door. Something occurred to me at that point. Children are such a picture of us all. I thought of their lack of excitement at Christmas and pondered again why they were not elated as they were when we were ready to leave. Are we not the same. God promises us heaven with a ticket bought and payed for by the blood of his precious Son. Yet, we not only do not show excitement, we even forget about it. After all, it's not now right? Now we see the pile of "presents under the tree" and they are the tangible, the here and now, the immediate gratification we so long for. It's the same reason the kids gave a quiet "yeah!" lacking the triumphant exclamations I had expected. They had their presents under the tree for the next morning and a supposed guaranteed trip to ..hello...DISNEYLAND was in the unknown future. We say the same thing to God..."um, I'll take my next cheap thrill here and now please!" Oh, how foolish we are. They also had no idea what to expect since they had never been. They had no maturity of foresight to glean from. If they only knew how that new little toy would pale in comparison to a day of non-stop fun. Yet, we are promised an eternity of absolute joy. We forget, and when we remember, we just can't see the value of the coming bliss, we only see the bling-bling of the present and we run to it because it gives that superficial high. Even Disneyland itself is a difficult thing to come down from. Returning to reality became a longing of mine by the third day. The value and peace of simplicity and every day hard work is factored into our making and actually gives us more joy than adrenaline kicked up thrills. We tire of it quickly and even the most amazing, and most entertaining thrill will need to be topped by something better. Even though I was moved to hear Julie Anderews words at the end of the fireworks show (which is so fun!) and felt my chest swell with a sob to think that my children were given this chance when we cold not have given it to them ourselves, I could not help but see the futility of a child thinking that this wonderful place would indeed make all their dreams come true and be "the happiest place on earth" for them. It is fun, and it is wonderful, and I am so thankful beyond words that God literally gave us this trip through many different gracious and generous hands, I feel the impact of the fact that it is also a "present under the tree" of this life and pales in comparison to the fullness of joy that awaits. So, I thank God for his parental patience with us as His children and his love to give us those gifts anyway at times, and holding back at others. To understand that we cannot possibly know what He holds for us and therefore we foolishly seek such temporal drop-in-the-bucket thrills. I hope my children learn that in their lives. I hope I learn it before the end too! All is enjoyed with open hand, to be taken at any moment without begrudging him the taking because all I have is goodness dropped in the lap of no doing of my own. Nothing is owed me and yet all fullness is promised me. I hope I learn to remember more than I forget. Even that would be seeing things ever so slightly more as they really are. After all, the world is a Fantacyland with wood and paint and special effects. An attempt to create the reality of joy our hearts long for. Over as quickly as it started, happiness fleeting as fast as it came, unpredictable and unsteady. Don't bank on it. It could disappear in a moment and without the Lord and His promises and fullness of joy, we will be left standing in the greatest emptiness we have ever known.

We did have a wonderful time. Lilo was sick the second day and even spiked a fever which frustrated me because we had three weeks of sickness before we left so I thought "oh, no, here we go again and we will have to go on home". She had had a cold, pink eye, and the puke flu before we left. Princess had a fever and cold. Superkid had the puke flu and I got it last right before we were about to go. In the midst of that, Rick and I were trying to get in our CPR and First Aid training, a preliminary walk through and TB test. We are pretty much done with our stuff except for a few toddler locks needed on the cabinets, and a print out of our DMV records. They have 90 days to get us licensed so that puts us being done near the end of the school year.

Oh, I forgot to say that we prayed for her and she was fine the next morning. I think she just got way over worn out. I layed there the night she had been sick and just prayed "Lord, give us wisdom if we need to go home we need to go home but you gave us this trip and if it's your will, let her enjoy the last two days." He did, and she had lot's more fun.

I was ever grateful I do not live in that area though...LA traffic is one of the worst things in the world.

New Post Over At Happy Homebody

2009-02-20T19:29:00.001-08:00

I am making use of the computer for the day. A new post (some thoughts regarding the octuplet mom) is up at "The Happy Homebody" .
Oh, and btw, if you had SFE on your blog reel can you replace it with this new open blog. There is an invitation there to SFE also but that way I can stay connected with the flow of blog links.
Thank you!

On Borrowed Computer Time

2009-02-20T09:02:00.000-08:00

I feel as if I've fallen of the face of the earth when it comes to the blog. I miss you all so much and yet, life without a computer has been good in many ways. The time sucker of wanting to write so much is gone, but the joy of writing is gone too.
It's been good timing, I've been so busy.
Rick and I finished our PRIDE classes for Foster parenting. We are in the process of finalizing the paperwork, Dr. visits, fingerprinting etc. Even if God stopped us here, it's been an educating experience and we have really enjoyed working with people both saved and unsaved. We have made some new relationships that seem as if they will continue on. If we do make it into bringing in a child or sibling group, these support connections with be so great. One couple we bonded with in particular is going into foster care/adopt because they cannot have their own children. We are supposed to be getting together soon. We all hit it off so well.
I put the crib back up and found some great bedding at the thrift store for five bucks. My friend Tricia came over and let me know the bedding was from Johnsons and was originally nearly 200 dollars!!! Wow, score! She use to work there so she would know. I almost forgot how to put the crib together..tee, hee! And! And, it nearly killed my back to do it this time. I'm getting old. Or my back is anyway. Another weird fact to mention was that the hand me down mattress given to us was the EXACT one the kids had and it was a rare one so I was surprised. Who knows, maybe it was ours. So, the crib is complete again and put up in our room. It reminds me to pray for these children whether I get them or not. We don't even know if we will end up with an infant but we are open to a sibling group so it needed to be made ready. Now we are on the hunt for a good hand-me-down twin mattress for Superkid's bottom bunk which is now open for play.
We hope to get to take in a 2-4 year old boy with a possible infant sibling. It's God's adventure for us though, so , we'll let Him write it!:)
The kids are still doing great with school and it continues to be a blessing. I'm up there a lot. Princess is in the throws of finishing a book report and researching for a state report. She is learning the valuable lesson, hard to learn in homeschool, that things are due when they are due, and you can't save it for later because later means too much in the end. It's been hard to see her struggle with this but I know it's important. I was homeschooled a lot in highschool and not learning this well hurt me in college.
Yesterday Lilo had her field trip to see the Monarchs in Pismo. I pulled Superkid out so he could go with us. It was a fun day. Lilo has been sick this week though with a cold and Pink Eye. She started the drops in time to go on the field trip, which she pushed herself to do,but is home feeling rough again today. She has to run to the store with me and then she is going down to get well over the weekend.
Well, I'm afraid this is all the update I have time for today!
Oh, Rick was excited to get to see the bike race come through town yesterday! He is a big fan on the Tour De France and Lance Armstrong so he got a kick out of that. I think when our later years come, biking will be the sport of choice. I think he would look pretty cute in all that get-up. :)
Bless you all! Please say hi! I'll check back when I can to read your notes. I miss everyone so!
alicia

Hey! Stopping In To Say Hi!

2009-01-29T14:14:00.000-08:00

I'm at the kids school. School gets out in 20 minutes. I'm hoping to take a few to say hello and give a personal update.
First of all....congrats to Christy and her husband for their new baby! I don't know much except for the fact that the baby is here. Tricia gave me the heads up! I don't get to read blogs either till I get a few hours to crash over at my neighbors and that has not happened yet. Anyway..yeah you guys! I'm so happy for you.

Rick and I have taken 3 sessions of foster parenting classes.

Princess had a HUGE sleepover with three girls from school and one from church. That was exciting....for her. No, really it was fun, we had pizza and played a game and her teacher came, it was great. All the girls went to church with us too...I thought I would never survive getting six girls ready for church but we were.....drum roll please....early! I work well under pressure. :)

About the classes and foster parenting journey....where do I begin!!! Wow, it's been a blessing. It's intense to be trained on what these kids have been through. Last night was our attachment disorder session. Oh, my goodness, it makes you want to save every kid on the planet...now! I have gone through mood swings of self doubt, money fears, fear of people we will be exposed to, fear of the child we take, you name it. I had something recently that the enemy really used to make me even doubt my own parenting skills. BUT GOD!!! Oh, God is good. He reminds me and feeds my mind with truth. He tells me not to fear. He tells me I can trust Him with the details. He fills my heart with desire to give...somehow, to help. Even trying is a step of faith.

We talked to the kids. We told them my history. There are no more secrets at our house. I was so scared how to get it down on the level of Lilo and Superkid but God just stepped in and it all was so simple and came out so clear. I wish I had more time to tell you some of the cute things Superkid said as his brain was turning. We still have a lot of family talking to do. Superkid has had lots of questions. He could not easily fathom the parent who would not care for their child or especially hurt them. It was hard to burst his innocent bubble on that one but until we see the world how it is, we don't feel the pain, hurt and need. I am so thankful for our public school transition for this reason too. It has opened my eyes to need, both spiritual and physical of some children.
They also seemed to understand about my bio-father. It was a little confusing at first. I told them basically what I said here about wanting to honor their Papa by doing what he had done for me. That seemed simple and easy to understand. They are excited. We told them this is a very up in the air type of journey. There is much that will be unexpected and we have to be loving and flexible and extremely laid back to ebb and flow. Thankfully, I think our family, or at least Rick and I are naturally laid back people so perhaps we were made for this type of ministry. We both have a common desire to major on the majors, catch the vision, and then, enjoy life and the diversity it brings. I am so thankful my husband shares this passion as I do, it makes us more of a team. I think my children are developing it in their own way. It's a blessing to see. I want them to understand the huge power of love for people. God knew that and he sent his Son to die from that passion for people. We should imitate his heart.
So, I'm almost out of time. School is out soon and I have to spell check this since I'm awful at it. There is a little boy in Princess class who does not have support much at home and he made honor roll today! I'm taking him a balloon and some new pencils with a congrats note. He is so excited. Pray for him if you think of it today. He has a tough home life.
Hope to be back sooner than later!!

Carry Your Story, Loose Your Burdens

2009-01-11T16:03:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking a lot this weekend. You can imagine, the type of thinking you start to wish you could just stop with a switch. Well, I did, I took a long afternoon nap.

I've been thinking about the Christian life. I've been thinking about this verse:
(forgive me I don't know the reference)
"Let us throw off every burden
And the sin which so easily entangles,
and let us RUN with endurance
The race that is set BEFORE us."

Notice the verse does not read like this:
"Let us gather our rocks of guilt and shame,
Let us put them on our backs and tie up our feet with falsehoods,
and let us hobble backwards as much as possible
All the days of our lives."

I know, it's ridiculous isn't' it?! Yet, it's easily done. This is how:
"Let us throw off every burden"- what are the things that burden us? They are guilt and shame from the wrong things we have done. Maybe Christ has forgiven us but we have not forgiven ourselves. Perhaps they are wrongs done against us or bitterness that collects and is not cleaned out of our hearts. They can be fear of the future and pain of the past. They are heavy collections of what has gone wrong and what we fear MAY still go wrong in our lives. They can even be non-sinful things that have just gone wrong for us in life. They can be loss and misfortune or temporal distresses the Lord has allowed to take place. They only become a burden when we keep carrying them ourselves. He intends for them to make us strong but if we carry them as burdens we will be weaker and even stunted. We will also not be focused on Him and what he wants us to do from there, we will only see the burden in our hands and the tears that fall upon it.
What are we to do with them? LAY THEM ASIDE! Throw them off. They have no place on the backs of the followers of Christ and not because of us but because of...well, I'll tell you what because of in a minute.

"And the sin which so easily entangles"- What is the sin that entangles us? When I think of entangling I think of secrets and lies; falsehoods spoken from and against us. I also think of idols that can even be ourselves or others that we put before Christ and serve above or in place of Him. They trap us, they trip us up.
What are we to do with them? BE FREE OF THEM! Not allow ourselves to become entangled. Not allow anything to take the place of truth and freedom in Christ's redemptive work in our lives. Entangling gives me the mind picture of lot's of little things that become big things and cause hurt, mistrust, pain and grief. We are to avoid them with truth and Love. Our result will be joy and peace. We do not do this for us, we do it because...well, I'll tell you what because in a minute!:)

"And let us RUN with endurance"- To run is not only to move forward, but to move forward quickly looking neither to the right nor to the left but straight and quick to our goal. There is no doddling, no staying in the tangles and burdens and no walking aback to pick them up again once we laid the down just to remember what it was like to carry them. No remembering of them at all except in testimony of the glory of He who freed us from them. We are to RUN! How do we run? We carry on in the will of God in joy and freedom and we delight in the steps that we take and the energy and strength the Lord gives us from himself to make them. We do not run for ourselves, we run because...well, I'll tell you what because in a minute.:*

"The race that is set BEFORE us"- What is before is never defined by what lies behind. It is however a developed story along the way of what the Lord has done for us along the way and why BECAUSE OF THAT we are able to press BEFORE US in joy. "Look what he did back there! My burden is gone and he made my path more beautiful and gave me more strength because of it!" "Praise him and let me share with you!" "You can let go too, and you can run with endurance because of His goodness!". You do not run back to examine your burdens and consider picking them up again. That would shame Him who took them from you so that you can run before in freedom. Yet, you also do not feel shame when you say what they were and that His work has taken them off of you as you press BEFORE. You continually testify what makes you run straight and strong and to mention that you may need to tell of the entangling and the burdens but you DO NOT take them with you for show and tell! They are gone and at the feet of Jesus. You do not do this for you....you do it for ....

Have you got it yet? YES! YOU DO IT FOR HIM! He alone allows us to lay aside the burdens and lay them at his feet. He alone detangles the messes we make in our lives so we can run ahead. Yet, even in that, we do not run for ourselves, we run for Him! We testify for Him! We focus on Him and He does not disappoint. We make the decsion to RUN, we do not wait for the mood to hit us or the feelings to push us ahead. We just do it. (isn't that ironically a Nike comercial slogan?) We also do not pray, and I know we do this, "Lord HELP me forgive this person becuase I know you want me to Lord". I don't ever remember reading a scripture that says to pray that the Lord would help us forgive, it does just say to forgive. It's a decision also and we are to just do it. On the way the gifts we find along the way are the fruits of the Spirit: Love, Joy, and Peace being the main ones from which the others flow. Love, is above all else for it covers a multitude of sins. Sins we hold over ourselves, and sins we hold over others. Love is the minister of burden lifting and detangling. We can NEVER BE out of the will of God when we are showing love in His name.
To forget these things, to forget Him who has freed us; to take back up our burdens or not to drop them at all, to leave our feet in tangles, to freeze out of fear and not put our feet forward not only to doddle but to RUN, is to loose focus on Christ. The author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set BEFORE HIM, endured the cross. So that you, so that I, so that we, can RUN. So we can feel the breezes of life hit us in the face without shame for what lies behind us and without fear of what is yet ahead. He who holds us does not rest. He neither sleeps nor slumbers. He is intent and intimately aware of the details of our path and He desires that we RUN BEFORE for Him. We are not to argue with him as to what we still feel we aught to have to carry. That is called guilt and there is no room for it in his race. We cannot say "Lord, I thank you for forgiving me of this boulder but I think I deserve to carry it still because of the wrong I did you". "No, he says, I bled so you could lay it aside but more than that, you will not be able to RUN BEFORE as I want you to, not for you, but for me, and your burden would remind and condemn you along the way. Therefore, you do not get to decide to carry it. I tell you to lay it aside. You need to obey me. I love you and know what is good for you.
There is no room for walking backwards in the Christian life. By throwing off burdens you are free to shamlessly declare that you had them, that they are gone and that God has made you free. By refusing entanglement you keep you feet steady and prepared to go forward.

We live in a burdensome world of sin. I think that the reason Jesus wants us to run before every moment in the light of his redemptive work is this: if we stand still or meander back hording our burdens as our own or allowing our feet to stay entangled we not only become non-productive in the work of Christ, but we stand the chance of becoming consumed the longer we stand still. Any message beside the one that is from the Lord telling us to lay them aside, is a message of deception and it will allow those burdens to grow and those tangles to spread.
I personally don't want to waste any time in my life when I could be RUNNING BEFORE.....
FREE with a story in my pocket but not a pebble on my back.

(this is my last post for real now as my computer goes out tomorrow morning. feel free to comment, i will take the moderators off so you can leave them and I will try to check in from my neighbors till the computer comes back)

Deflated But Not Defeated

2009-01-10T15:33:00.001-08:00

I've come up with a new way of doing things. I really enjoyed meeting new friends through blogging and although my old friends (yes, that's you) are golden to me, I hope to remain connected.

I have shrunk my blogging down to two blogs. The old recipe blog is now my public blog it's called "The Happy Homebody" and her is the link:

http://justahappyhomebody.blogspot.com/ ,and you can visit it anytime. I you would please, change your SFE link on your side bar to this and you can put in parenthesis "formerly Shoot For Eternity". Then when they get there, they will read what the deal is.

This new blog will be for all kinds of random blogging but not about my family in a personal way nor about the journeys we are on now. That will stay here, under lock and key as it were.

So, thank you again for bearing with me.

We know all things have a purpose. I am not stressed, just adapting.

This Has Been Hard

2009-01-09T19:15:00.000-08:00

Fortunately my computer is not out the door just yet.

It is with great sadness that I have to say that SFE is having to be a private site. Because of the meddlesome actions of three people in my immediate area who decided to call my mother and leave a message on her machine that I talked about my bio-dad on the blog. She is very upset. My parents did not support me re-connecting with my bio-dad in any way. They told me I was dishonoring them to do so. It was VERY hard for me. One of the hardest things I've ever done because I was and still am sure the Lord wanted me to continue anyway. I was never regretful of that decision especially because of getting the chance to talk to him about the Lord and let Him know I forgave him. Though talking of these things, he was able to forgive his own father. Little did either of us know he was about to die. I never brought my children into any of it, it was something I did on my own. I will never regret it. He lived across the country so I did not fear of it effecting my life here.
Somehow, three people who know my family felt it their duty to call my mother and inform her or "give her the heads-up" that I had talked of this. Unfortunately she did not read the whole post to see that I was honoring my dad Mark by sharing this story. She just was upset that I talked about it.
It is a struggle to be honest and real and sensitive at the same time when blogging. I see no shame in the fact that my story is what it is. If anything..I see the hand of God. I cannot tell you the immense pain this has caused me. I have been crying all of an hour. I have shut the blog down and invited only a few who I feel I can trust to read.
I thought the story I wanted to share of my dad's great sacrificial love to take me and that giving me the burden to do the same was well worth sharing. It is so hard for me to have to change what was good because some people decided to take my heart sharing and put it to distressing use. I am in shock.
I don't see how anyone can think that calling a woman and leaving a message on her answering machine that her daughter blogged that she had a bio-dad was helpful. If they had been with me a while they would have known that I've mentioned it before. No calls that time I guess. I knew what I wrote was something my mother could read. However, if she had not been so rudely alerted, she may have read the whole thing and seen where I was going with it. Anyone who truly knew my mother and her decisions to not talk about the fact that Mark was not my blood father, would have known better. You don't call a widow and do such things...let along LEAVE IT ON HER MACHINE! (i'm sorry, I 'm so upset) Little do they know that two other people do the same and she has to come home to three such "heads-up" messages. It's unbelievable.
My mother and I differ greatly on the story of my life. She believes I dishonor my dad by saying he was not my blood father. I see more greatness in the story as it truly is. I have always been grateful that God saved me from a bad situation many years ago. This is my story as it is, I cannot help that it's a fact and I'm not ashamed of it. I'm not very good at saying things other than what they are.
Being in a church where your parents go is sometimes very hard. Many Sunday's the only thing people say to me is "How is your mom?". I become the go-between and it was that way when my dad was alive. "I can't get a hold of your mom, is she okay? I left a message." I swallow it over and over again and try to be patient. On the flip side is this, someone treating me like a 12 year old in a home that I'm not in anymore instead of the 32 year old woman that I am with a life story. Instead of calling me, they have called my mother. It's patronizing. I DID NOT, nor would I have EVER say anything disrespectful of my mom and dad. If anything, I let it be known that my bio-dad was not a good man.
I have never been this honest on the blog before, and perhaps I feel I can be so now. My mother and I see things very differently when it comes to the story of my life. She was even hurt when I told her that I informed Princess that I had a bio-dad just a few months ago. Princess is 11 now, I felt she should know. My mom kept secrets from me till I was 19 years old. I did not want to live my life that way because I saw that in Christ, there was no shame, only the amazing redemptive story of his goodness. I forever have the haunting false guilt that I should not talk about this, or I should pretend it's not what it is.
We cannot pretend that things are not what they are. We can deal with them graciously, as much as possible. We cannot however cover up and hide because of past mistakes, the goodness and the greatness of the working of the will of God in our lives. That story needs to be shouted over and over and over and over. That is what I believe to be true. That is what I wanted my blog to be. Imperfection made into beautiful redemption, and the story and stories of my life. I will no longer be able to spread that as freely as I would have liked.
I ask myself, how do I shoot for eternity in this? I will have to pray for many days to get over some great hurt and anger, and now I have a very big rift between my mom and I. She has never wanted me to talk about her past to anyone. I think I had started to forget that again because I get to caught up in what God has done through it. There are times when you have to pray God will help you honor your parents even though you do not agree with them. I am truly trying on this one. I shoot for eternity by telling what God has done through the good, the bad, the ugly. I forgive people and do not hold it against them, even when it's hard. I pray lots. I take great care to show my children Christs love despite hurt.
My story is what it is. I wish I could have just been free to say what it was.
I appreciate your prayers. I'm very sorry to put you all through this extra step. I feel completely deflated. There is only so much sharing one can do in life. I definately have a great desire to share and so if it's to a shrunk set of trusted friends...so be it. I do always try hard to do it right and my husband feels that the way I said what I did was not wrong. So, I have to let it rest. I just need to get over all this crying. The point that I had a bio-dad was important to understanding the whole story of my growing burden for children without a home.
Thank you for still coming.
If you have me linked on your blog (and I thank you) you can feel free to let anyone know of the priviate setting. I am open to allowing invitations after I can filter them. Just email me happyhomebody@gmail.com

A Testimony and A Temporary Goodbye

2009-01-08T13:58:00.001-08:00

My computer has to be sent to Dell to be fixed. The screen detached way too early. IF they give us a fuss, we are cashing in our insurance on it and getting something different. I'll let you know my evaluation of their helpfulness!:)

So, this is my last post for a while unless I can let my buddy/neighbor let me blog over at her house a little.

Have to share in brief what God is doing in our lives. It gives more meaning to the poem below but is not related to the situation I alluded to through the public school. That won't ever be detailed here to protect the privacy of some. This is so related to my heart right now in that poem. Thank you for your kind words regarding it. IT is my dream to send them all to a Christian publisher someday. I need to learn how to get a copyright on my blog too, does anyone know how to do that? Do you know, when it's the right poem I cry when I read it myself. Not because I think it's good, but because I hear my deepest heart and it's like that piece has been taken out and written down forever. That is why I love poetry.

The story:
About a year and eight months ago my dad died at 54. Most of you know that. What you may not know is that my dad was not my bio-dad. I was born to man who had many issues but the main one was alcohol. My mom became a Christian and married Mark when I was five. They had grown up together from kindergarten. Mark took me in and loved my brother and I as His own. He never had his own children. (on a side note, I re-connected with my bio-dad over the phone and through mail about four years ago. He came to the Lord but was a very young christian with lots of life baggage. I thanked God for the chance to talk to him. It was good for us both. IT turned out that he contracted Lue Garricks disease the year my dad was diagnosed with stomach cancer. He died very quickly in June of '06 and my dad Mark died in May of '07. God has never been so near to me as he was that year of events. He became my heavenly Father in a new way. They were both the same age, born in '52. )
When he died I was overwhelmed with many different emotions. One of them was the bottled up reflections of the effect of him taking me in. I was given a deep and real burden for adoption. I wanted to do what my dad had done for me. In honor of him. I shared my burden with Rick. He did not share it. I think I've blogged about this before...can't remember.
I don't believe it is God's will to do something when he has not laid it on both hearts. I also did not believe it was right to convince my husband of anything or to make him feel the burden I felt. I knew God had a reason and I decided the burden must be for some other use. Over a year went by. I never brought it up once.
A few months ago Family Life had a few programs where they were encouraging Christian families to show Christ's love through adoption. I was totally in agreement. I had all ready been in the public schools with my kids and my heart for unsaved children was growing very full. I loved meeting the kids at school and giving them smiles when I was in the classroom or just dropping off and picking up my own kids. Many kids now days are eager for just a kind word and a smile. It gave me such great joy! There were some I saw who I knew needed more at home and wished I could help a child myself. What a perfect way to advance the kingdom, I thought. We had a neighbor boy with a tough situation in his home come over a great deal and his mom told me it was hard because he would come over to our house and come home and ask her why his dad can't play with him like Rick does with the kids, or why he can't have siblings, or why he can't have a real family. It reminded me again how I wanted ot help. Well, then I remembered Rick's feelings and realized again that this was not for us but that maybe God wanted me to be involved in coordinating such a ministry in our church or something many years down the road. Or just keep reaching out to the kids at school or the neighborhood when I could. I forgot about it again.
Then... this past December I heard an advertisement on Christian radio that was encouraging Christian parents to consider foster care. I was beginning to wonder why God was nagging my heart if it was not a direction that was open to me.
I decided to email the local foster care department and just ask for information. I wondered if there was some way I could help. I just told Rick I had sent off for info for that reason and when we started to talk he was a totally different person. He really felt that we should look into helping a child ourselves and have the optimum goal of adoption if the Lord led us to. I was shocked but tried not to show it. I wondered who he was and what someone had done with my husband. He asked if we could pray about it right then and there. I said....sure! About an hour later we got an email that said that the beginning meeting, the one you need to go to to get started was that night locally. Amazing, we both thought. We called Trish last minute and she was kindly able to take our kids that evening during the meeting.
We both were amazed by the information and the testimony of grown teens who came to share with us their foster experience. I won't get into the details of the meeting, but it was very good that we went.
We are now in the process of registering for the classes you need to go through to be licensed. It is a 3-4 month process.
We don't really know what God has for us. We don't really know where it will lead. Now that the kids are in school, I was really hesitant to even think of starting with little ones again, but he seems to be changing my heart. Like I said, who knows. We are just willing to be there if He needs us. It could play out in so many ways. We appreciate prayers for wisdom. A lot of people have fears with using the state systems, or county. I have learned that if God leads, I do not need to be afraid. He will not burden my heart to serve and then punish me for doing what he told me to do. Rick and I are limited in our monetary resources for these things so the foster system is best for us because what we do have is time and love. We would need their help with the other part. That is why we are going that route.
And, like I said, we just don't know beyond the next step. It could just end up with a huge road block and we find a purpose along the way for what we went though to prepare. You never know.
The poem though had to do with the fact that I've learned not to say I won't do something. These are things I have said before (at different times):
I will never have my kids in public school.
I will never homeschool.
I could never adopt or take in a foster child, it would be to scary.
I would never move to (the city I live in now:).
I will never let my children read Disney books. (ha, ha, this one makes me laugh now. i was kinda a snobby literature lover)
There are other things I've said that God has not led me actually to do yet like:
I could never give birth overseas.
I could never move out of state.

I really need to learn this lesson of being open and ready. God has to have a good sense of humor is all I can say.

Please Help Fight This Crazy Law

2009-01-08T12:27:00.001-08:00

The Consumer Product Safety Improvement Act (CPSIA) as signed into law will make it illegal for parents to resell or even give away their even gently used children's clothing come February 10th, 2009.

The broad scope of the complicated law, and it’s interpretation by CPSC has effectively made it illegal for parents to resell their children’s clothing and gear at a garage sale, on eBay, Craig’s List, through consignment stores or annual children’s consignment sales. If donated to a nonprofit like Goodwill or Salvation Army, those organizations can’t legally resell it, as of February 10th. That’s right. Hand-me-down clothing for kid’s age 12 and under will be illegal to resell or give away. It will be a banned hazardous product. The fines of $100,000, potential jail time and label as a felon for violations are stiff. It will not be allowed to be given away but must be sent to landfills. What a waste of our resources.

Please sign the petition and contact your members of congress to keep used children's clothing legal:

http://www.rallycongress.com/make-second-hand-kids-clothes-legal-/

Unclenching My Spiritual Fists

2009-01-07T15:47:00.000-08:00

Where will God lead you? Where will he send?
Will you be willing or will you defend-
The way that things are as you think they should be,
Will you be willing? Will you be free?
Should he stir you to move in a place on you own,
Or call you to stretch in a way you've not grown,
Is there something you've said you won't ever do,
If he asks, will you joyfully do that thing too?
What are you keeping? What do you hoard?
What is it you think you cannot afford?
To loose it, to give it- where do you stress?
What should you hand over, or maybe confess?
Have you looked out at water you say you can't walk?
Are you willing to take back and swallow your talk?
That stated "I'll never", "I couldn't"- "not me",
Will you do it for Him who can make you free?
Free just to trust and gladly be led-
Free just to be in His hand and be fed-
Free to delight in HIS perfect plan-
Free to shrink smaller the opinion of man-
Free to stretch out and see where it leads,-
Free to adventure and plant many seeds-
Free to find out what faith can procure,
When you thought you're plans were ever so sure.

Written just now. Why?
Because I came home from picking up the kids from school with an amazing swelling in my heart. Something so huge was revealed to me as to one of the many, many reasons I was called into the public schools. I cannot tell you the details. Just praise God for me and pray for more grace to give out and wisdom in the future. I think of Louie Giglio's words in his DVD "Indescribable" "He does not think like us, He does not have a brain like ours. He is working on a canvas bigger than we can ever think or imagine!" I saw the hand of God today and it told me "for such a time as this, you are here". I have had other great confirmations in the past few months. This was a big one. I was honored to be there for my Jesus at the moment I was. I am blessed. I want to bless more. I want to give like I have nothing to loose. I want to live like I'm not afraid. Those are some restated lines in one of the Chris Tomlin's song "The way I was made" I think it's called.
I was so scared to take this adventure. Now I wonder what He has next for me. The poem is written to myself. I want to let go of my small thinking and let Him fill it with His great plan. I want to learn to stop saying "I will never do...." or anything like it.
I think instead I should ask more and more "What cha got for me today God!? I'm willing."
Other conclusion from today:
People are God's treasure. He is intent on their journey. He is moving and working. Sometimes there is pain. There is also great joy in it when His hand is there too. He longs to bring those he can to the aid of those in need. People are his eternal mission. They should be mine too. Always.

This is So Cute

2009-01-06T21:50:00.000-08:00

Princess's teacher sent this to me just now in my email. It is so precious. It reminded me about one of my big lessons of 2008 and that was to learn to see past some huge differences I may have with people and appreciate them for who they are. It takes a few minutes to get rolling.

pause the music first in the side bar.
oh, and if the video does not work here, use this link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cBtFTF2ii7U

It's Epiphany and My Tree Is Crying for Mercy!

2009-01-06T18:50:00.000-08:00

So, tonight is the night.

I'm feeling like it took a long time to get here but I think that's because the kids went back to school and my house says it's still Christmas. When we homeschooled, we did not start school back up until after the sixth.

I'm sad because I still can't find my camera. That is why there are no Christmas pictures (besides, I was sick as a dog on Christmas anyway). Please pray we find it cause the Christmas money is spent!

Also, my Netflix of "The Fourth Wise Man" I told you about is late. Still, it's not too bad since we can't stay up late on a school night so we will be watching it this weekend.

Rick is off tomorrow so that makes this evening so nice. Plus, he gets to be my tote man tomorrow while we put Christmas away.

So, I came here to remind you it's a special night. Don't forget to read the account of the wise men. Daja said her family have always ordered Chinese food, that's a cute idea too. She said it was because the wise men came from the east:). Anytime you can add food to memories they make them that more special. We are having vegi lasagna, salad and ice cream because I didn't plan ahead enough for Chinese. Maybe we can do that the night we watch the movie. I need to come up with something, maybe Rick can do some research for me. Italian may be my favorite type of food but it's not exactly related to the wise men.

Our kids open one gift after the story to celebrate the bringing of the gifts. That ends the Christmas season, and I think if my tree could talk it would say "have mercy!".

Lord Help Me I'm Eating White Again

2009-01-05T13:46:00.000-08:00

We are big whole wheat and sucunat people. I have not had the grocery budget for wheat berries and sucunat lately though. I feel the guilt each time I make the kids cookies with white sugar and flour.

Today was different, I felt a wave of peace about it. One big thing is moderation which we should have anyway. I know some people use just sucunat and say they don't eat sugar and I was thinking as I was making cookies.. um, yeah, you do. Sucunat is a sugar, but yes, it's healthier. If we really go good we would cook with black strap molasses because that is the healthiest form of sweetener you can use.

The fact is, we have to learn to be moderate people. That is what I want to learn to do. Nothing this side of heaven is a cure for anything. Many choices make our lives better by feeding our bodies what they need. Right now I just don't have the budget for it though. However, I do have the money for fresh fruits and veggies! That is what I choose to use it for instead anyway. On the treats I need to learn major restraint and using sucunat can actually give me an excuse to have more than I should. Knowing it is really not good for us, but a real treat, helps me moderate myself and children almost better.

I do hope to have it in the budget again later on. You go with what God gives you. You work with what ya got. You let the guilt go.. You show self-restraint. You exercise when you can. You consider everything a gift from God and you use it wisely.

I try to tell the kids that the fruits and veggies in heaven (and if you read Alcorn, you know we will be eating in heaven as the scripture says we will feast) will be as they were meant to be, so good you would not want sugar.

They look at me weird.

I know, broccoli as good as cookies...it's hard for me to.:)

This Just Came To Me

2009-01-03T15:51:00.001-08:00

For some reason I was pondering free will. Am I the only one who just starts thinking about these things? Anyway..
I have been really enjoying the music of Chris Tomlin (as my playlist surely indicates) since being introduced to the Louie Giglio DVD messages . I was pondering the joy I have when God grants me a little growth in my understanding of how big he is, and how intimate at the same time. While pondering this it made me wonder why God did not just reveal himself to mankind. Whey does he use the written word, the bible, and the past revelations written down as well but spoken long ago by the prophets. In essence, why does he not just speak down audibly to mankind and say "HEY! I'm here! I made you and I do care for you!"
I mean really, would that not just make is so much easier? Then there would not be anyone doubting the existence of God or any of those sayings like "well, I'll believe it when I see it. "
I know what you may be thinking...cause my brain does the same thing. "Well, he did it this way to grow our faith in the unseen" or "It brought Him more glory by doing it this way". Or something else I'd love to hear if you want to share. Yet I then began to realize why God could not revel himself this way. I think it has to do with free will.
I started to imagine if the heavens opened up and God spoke to us and the result would be one thing..sheer terror. I think God knows there is something in us as his creation that would have no choice but to respond to him if he approached us directly. Even our thoughts on God as believers is proof of this. As Louie was talking about in one of his presentations, we go about our day and begin to forget about God and make Him small just by that alone. We make him small and make us big. (how wrong we are!) Imagine if we struggle to absorb his greatness as those who believe, how small or non-existent those who do not believe must see him!
At the cost of loosing himself in our eyes, the great breather of the heavens, keeps himself from us directly for the sake of our free will. Only by his revelation through the words inspired by him and written by men or inspired by him and spoken by men, or the birth and Death of Christ (which was in essence the closest we have ever gotten as humanity to God himself and yet he had to lower himself entirely to be revealed...interesting side note), have we heard from God. This along with the mystery of election and the work of the Holy Spirit working in our hearts is what draw us to Him.
If he opened the heavens and spoke to mankind, we would all fall on our knees and worship. We would have no choice. It would be the response of the created to the creator. He wants us to want him. Why? Because that brings him more joy and he exists (as Piper so keenly reiterates) to embellish his own happiness. Let us remember that this is not a selfish thing as it would be with men, but the very existence of who he is by nature and we only benefit by him seeking his own happiness because we are part of his happiness. Can you wrap your head around that? I love working on that one..it brings me such joy when it use to frustrate me until I started to understand.
Do any of us build a robotic husband programed to love us at every turn? No! Why? Because we want to be loved by the will of another, or loved by choice so to speak. By the decisions to want to rather than a programing to do so. To allow us to want Him reveals our realization of his greatness and partnered with the nurturing of the Holy Spirt is a harmony of loving glory.
Every man on the earth would acknowledge the greatness of God if he revealed himself directly. He knows we could not do otherwise. He prefers to win our hearts. Does that sound like a tyrannical God to you? And yet, he does not need it from us either but wants it. What a romantic! What an emotional side of Him. He is looking for depth from us, a seeking and desiring of him. He knows he could have each of us in an instant, devoted and obedient, and yet he restrains himself longing more for the few who hear his gentle voice.
Wow.

Yet, he also says that he will not restrain himself forever. Once he does though, it will be to late for those who have not chosen to hear him.
"at the name of Jesus EVERY KNEE WILL BOW, of those who are in heaven and on earth and under the earth," Phill 2:10

But to have heard and trusted in him, there will be no sweeter moment in our existence. The old things shall have passed away and behold, new things have come!
Can't wait.

So, now on to my other question of God. Remember that I have these with no doubt but complete trust...I just look forward to finding the answers to them!:)
If God is only full of righteousness, as He is, then how can he have created even the possibility of evil? Nothing exists outside of Him, so where did evil come from? Even if the devil is, as we know from the word, a former angel who wanted equality with God and therefore was cast out of heaven with his angels, where did evil itself get it's start so that it could be manifested this way?
It makes me think of Lewis and his allegorical use of the term "deep magic".
See, I know there is an answer, and I know that God knows I cannot handle it right now, but it's great fun to stretch my spiritual thoughts anyway. I think he delights when we do as long as we are not using them as empty human arguments against Him which is the greatest foolishness we come up with.
His thoughts are not our thoughts so I just have to wait for His explanation of some things.

Wowowow, The Sweetest Thing

2009-01-02T11:00:00.000-08:00

My favorite present this year turned out to be the little tin mailbox my husband gave me. It does not look like this, it's a Mary Engelbreit one. The purpose of it was to send me love notes in. If the flag is up, I have mail and I can leave him notes in it too. I am really enjoying this and looking forward to it the rest of the year. I am definitely a person who does better writing things down that I would otherwise not say or know how to say. More than that, it's a way to focus on our relationship during the day when we are away. Much like reading scripture helps us focus on the Lord during our day. Oh, the power of the written word.

One thing that has been a keen observation for me has been my fostering of love thoughts for my husband. I can have them and then life and kids and messes start happening and I can literally feel them starting to fade away. No fault to him, just life crowding in, or even the temptation to grow bitter or blame about tiny things that frustrate me. I'm really wanting to nourish those love thoughts this year and keep them stirring, focused and surface dwelling most of the time. This little love note box is really helping with that so far. It's like a little mystery in the relationship again. I love it. It was so cute too because he said that he realized that he delivered mail to so many people but never any to his love. Awe, so sweet. I get my own personal mail man....and it's okay if my kids look like him!LOL

So, if you want a good valentine idea early...it's a great gift. Oh, and my kids wanted to leave me notes in it but I very sensitively asked them not to because it was just for me and daddy (actually Rick had to make it a hands off since we may spice life up more even by putting other things than mail in it to send messages and that is a question I don't want from my kids "what's this in your box for mommy?:*). I was however touched that they wanted to do this and I had thought years ago that it would be fun to make them for the kids to leave them encouragement and love too. So, I'm going to work on that for a Valentine gift for them. I also want them to learn to foster love for each other so I may encourage a once a week note to their siblings.

You can never go wrong writing the myriad of "I love you" thoughts in your heart.

The New Year's Commit-It List

2009-01-01T15:25:00.000-08:00

btw-my keyboard seems to not want to type the letter "i" unless I work hard at it. So, if you catch it missing, you will know why. It's bugging me to fix it each time.

As I mentioned before, I wanted to do goals different this year. I wanted to commit to the Lord some things he has laid on my heart to shoot for.

1. Lord, I commit to you a desire to know your word better. Both in context and content. I long to really feast on truth this year.

2. Lord, I feel a great burden to grow as a wife. I have been married for nearly 12 years and have been so distracted with a decade of babies and toddler years. I love the new season of life I'm in now and want to put Rick first and get to know him better this year. I commit this desire to you and ask you to give me focus and practical wisdom how to do this. I also ask that you would grow my heart toward him and let the things that distract me fall away.

3. Lord, I commit to you a desire to disciple my children through this next year. Practically in the ways that they are developing their godly world views. I long to be deliberate in planing some of the ways to do this and more so being open to seizing the moments as they come. This desire is related to #1 because I am sure that knowing your word more will fuel my ability to lead them in your truth.

4. Lord, I have a joyful mission to make this home a haven this year. Not by spending money but using the resources you give me creatively. I desire to be diligent in the hours you give me and not waste them but use them to clear the board for family moments when everyone is home. I commit this desire to you and ask that you give me the strength to persevere.

5. Lord, I commit my health to you. To do my part to make wise decisions in that regard but to also not become consumed with wrong motivations and the idol that health can be in our culture. Help me remember that anything I do to be more healthy is for one purpose alone: to glorify you by being better equip to bless those you need me to serve, and to maintain a balanced cheerful mood that is so effected by the every day health decisions I make.

6. Lord, I commit to you my desire to stop reading into other's motives and thoughts. I see this as a hindering sin in my life. Help me do what it says in Colosians and mind my own business. Help me be a friend when I need to be and leave the rest to you of what people may or may not think of me. I desire to be absolutely obsessed with your perceptions of me alone. Thank you that you are faithful to me in this regard.

7. Lord I commit to you a desire to become more resourceful and a good steward of that which you have given. To work well with money in our budget, and learn to make or grow what I can. May I not try to take on more than you would have for me but find balance in what to do or not do.

8. Lord I commit to you a desire to continue to share the gospel with the many unbelievers there now are in my everyday life. Allow me to just speak what you would have me, to just be bold, and above all, to love people you are seeking to save.

Thank you for the prospect of a year to grow in you, but help me not to hold onto even that more than I do to you. Thank you that your work on the cross shadows over all I hope to do this year. Let me remember "it is finished" and let it thunder threw my soul again and again with it's complete perfection and promise eternal.

My Favorite Photo of 2008

2008-12-31T21:53:00.000-08:00

These are my babies-
These have been the moments given-
These are the pearls of my life string-
I will wear them one day complete-
When I fall at your feet-
And say, thank you.

Do you remember that awful episode on Hero's when Mr. Bennett threatens to take away the guys memories of his dead family member? I was struck by that since my dad has died and that truly would be the most awful thing. You know, we may go through thick and thin, good and bad, but those memories are the treasures of our hearts. I cannot imagine loosing a single moment treasured from 2008. Blogging is helping me remember them more along the way. You know you think you will remember all the funny things they say and then one day you say "oh, you do you remember when she use to say ...oh, what was it!?" and you wish you could remember.
I gave my mom a treasure box made by the girls with empty cards in it. It was to write down memories as they came to her one by one either of dad, or of things going on now. I think I will start one for myself to have a box of treasured moments.
Treasure time, it is truly God's gift. Also, ponder what to do with it when it's in your hand. I shall do the same.
What moments will come this year?
One thing is absolute, I shall not pass this way again, and that is sobering enough.

My Random Brain Sparks

2008-12-31T10:30:00.000-08:00

Had a lot of thoughts yesterday. Can't remember them all. I was out and about and they would just come to me.

The ATM machines are killing me. Every time you figure them out they change. Every store has a different one with a different routine and because they update them, the rotation of changing machines seems to be frequent enough to create a new learning experience every time I shop. I felt like a bad stand up comedian yesterday when commenting to the cashier about the new question at the Target one: "Do you want that all on your card?". My first thought? "Um, no, you can pay for part of it!" Then I was annoyed by the new question issue itself. What else will the machine want to know soon? "Are you wearing blue today?" "Did you enjoy the last movie you watched?" "Are you happy?" "Did you spend too much money today?" ...... my brain obnoxiously just kept going.........................

Christmas Clearance has become a spiritual experience. I remember a few years ago I was fresh off the trail from reading the "Left Behind" books. I found myself halting from buying any Christmas clearance because I was absolutely sure Christ had to be returning soon. I think that was the year my dad was really sick and I knew he was going to pass away soon so it seemed that the whole world would surely end as well.
Then, last year, I survived that tragedy and my spirits were up more. I decided to buy some presents on clearance and in a way it was a good idea. The only problem s that you take a big risk as to whether the gifts will be wanted by the time whatever child you are buying for will still have that interest. Plus, I got tired of storing things in my closet all year (we don't have a garage).
So, this year I went with the intent of not getting anything that was not a steal. As I looked around and absorbed the hum of humanity taking in as much as they could for the next time they all celebrated I felt strange. I wanted to say really loud "How do you even know if you will be here by next year?" "How do you know the next Christmas is promised you?" "So much can happen in a year!" "How can you hoard for today what is not promised you for tomorrow?!" It reminded me of the verse about the man who stored up all his barns full and felt satisfied and prepared and then the scripture says "you fool, don't you know this night you life is required of you?" It's a little depressing on the surface, and I don't mean it that way but it sure helped me not to overspend. I grabbed a few puzzles and doodle pads for 75 cents each to keep for when the kids are invited to birthday parties. I also could not resist a Chip and Dale mommy sized pair of james for six bucks. I never get character jamies and I love Chip and Dale. It was so cute, my girls both came in my room and said "yeah! Chip and Dale jamies!" and I said "aren't those cute! They are for me!" and they got the cutest jealous, but I love you, fake frowny face. I think they have never seen me wear a character jamie before.:)

I'm Amazed At the power of Facebook. I just reconnected yesterday with my old team leaders and a few teammates from my Honduras Teen Missions trip back in 1991! (Thanks Tony for coming by the blog and commenting!) The more I'm on Facebook, the more amazed I am that you can go back and follow the trail of so many other people as they have gone off and lived their own lives. It's rather foreshadowing of heaven when we reunite with the Saints and hear what God did in their lives. You also realize what a small world it is when you start to find the people you know connected or connected to random people you don't know but it shows that they know people you know. Does that make sense? It's been a thrill for my husband too since he was such a social bug at The Masters College. He has more friends than me but I'm okay with that!:)

I'm thinking commitment over resolve. I've been thinking about resolutions and I've come to the conclusion that I suck at them. I want more to commit some things to the Lord that I know I'm discontent in a good way about. Those things that the Holy Spirit stirs me to work toward a victory in through Him. So I've decided to make a "New Years Commit It" List. This also takes me to my knees as apposed to trying to stand tall to "think I can" when sin cuts me at the back of the knees with a bat every time. Makes me think of these words:
"Not by might,

Not by power,

But by MY SPIRIT...says the Lord."

Zechariah 4:6

A Great Movie For Epiphany

2008-12-29T20:22:00.000-08:00

Well, as some of my dear friends have admitted to taking down Christmas all ready..I still think you can celebrate Epiphany in many ways.
I wanted to refer you to an old movie that some watch as a Christmas flick but which is really quite good for January 6th. It's called "The Fourth Wise Man".

I am not a big Martin Sheen fan, but the movie is pretty inspirational. I don't think it's a good one for preschool or younger just because of the heavy content of the heart wrenching story. It was originally a book by Henry VanDyke written near 1896. We have a copy but I think it may be a hard one to find. The movie follows the storyline of the book.
Janice Harayda says in her short one minute book review of the story:

"Van Dyke invents a fourth wise man, Artaban, who trades his belongings for gifts for “the promised one” foretold by prophets: a sapphire, a ruby and a pearl. Artaban plans to give the jewels to the infant after meeting up with his companions Caspar, Melchior and Balthasar, who have gold, frankincense and myrrh. But he misses the connection after he stops to nurse a dying man, and later on, he parts with his jewels. He uses the ruby to ransom a child whom King Herod had ordered slain and the pearl to free a girl about to be sold into slavery.

Artaban believes he has missed all opportunities to meet the promised one until, near the end of his 33 years, he reaches Jerusalem just before the Crucifixion. There he realizes that his search has ended when he hears a faint voice saying: “Verily I say unto thee, Inasmuch as thou hast done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, thou hast done it unto me.”

The move has been given the dove award for family friendliness as well.

Don't Forget To Have Your Epiphany!

2008-12-28T19:47:00.000-08:00

I was horrified coming home from an errand today to see my neighbors Christmas tree laying in their carport! EEEEK! It's not over people! Christmas day is the FIRST day of Christmas! It's like "okay, I got my stuff, now let's move on!". No, no, no. We celebrate the amazing coming of GOD to earth in a more than the day of gift giving.
Let's remember Epiphany:
Epiphany (Greek for "to manifest" or "to show"), is a Christian feast day which celebrates the "shining forth" or revelation of God in human form in the person of Jesus Christ. The Feast of the Epiphany falls on January 6.[1] Western Christians commemorate the visitation of the Magi to the child Jesus on this day, i.e., his manifestation to the Gentiles. Eastern Christians commemorate the baptism of Jesus in the Jordan River, his manifestation as the Son of God to the world. It is also called Theophany ("manifestation of God"), especially by Eastern Christians. Epiphany falls on the last day of the Twelve Days of Christmas.

So, leave up your tree and read the stories, play the music, make another batch of cookies especially if, like me, you didn't get to yet, and remember that Christmas is not the big bang of boxes and wrapping on December 25. It is a long period of reflecting, celebrating, and commemorating THE BIGGEST REVELATION OF GOD IN HISTORY!

ps: oh, yes, and i'm feeling better today..up and breathing better. thanks for your well-wishing!:)

Forced Into First Gear

2008-12-27T09:48:00.000-08:00

This has been an odd Christmas. Rick called in sick on Christmas Eve because he had been up all night coughing. He drank warm drinks all day and I made soup. He was due to do a lot of singing that night at our church Christmas Eve service. He changed some notes to make it easier on himself and made it through very well. By the time we got back from the service, I was feeling rough. It was one of those tired feelings where I could have just layed down on the chairs and gone right to sleep. The dim lights didn't help that either:).
Rick was better Christmas day, thank the Lord, because woke up with my throat barely able to swallow liquids and my neck so sore from swollen glands. I sat on the couch with a throw blanket and warm drinks while Rick helped the kids with their presents. It was still a pleasant day though.
I had to go to bed from 1-3 in the afternoon. Rick helped Superkid build some lego's and the girls were busy with horses and new art supplies.
We were due at my mom's for dinner at 4. I tried hard to rouse myself. We had a good time celebrating Princess's birthday there. It is our tradition that the second half of Christmas day is dedicated to her birthday.
Usually the few days after Christmas I'm motivated to clean up the mess and help the kids organize their new things into their rooms. Instead I'm down for the third day. I'm concerned it's heading into a sinus infection. Rick is getting very little sleep because his cough gets so bad at night. Superkid has a lesser version of our cold and all of the kids has been coughing. It does not help that they have been eating poorly for a while. My wonderful mom brought over some carrot, cabbage, and Swiss chard chicken soup yesterday. That stuff is good in flavor and is a power boost for sickness.
I'm anxious for it to be over so I can make some headway in the house but in the meantime I'm catching up on some Hero's on Netflix watch now while the kids play their "new" retro NES games found for them. If there is a time for Nintendo it's when mommy is sick and daddy has to work.
One thing I know about myself is that when I've been sick and finally get better I get this amazing burst of energy. I also get an amazing burst of energy with the new year. I love mapping out goals and starting with a bang. So, I'm looking forward to better days soon. For now, I'm resting next to a quickly depleting box of tissues.

My Christmas Baby Turns 11!

2008-12-25T15:24:00.001-08:00

I became a mommy eleven years ago today. At 11:35 on Christmas morning we welcomed "Princess" Noelle (that's her middle name, Noelle) into our lives.

Happy Birthday "Baby" Girl! We love you and you are a precious Christmas gift every year!

You are growing into a lovely lady XOXO.

My Rebellious Mailman

2008-12-23T08:59:00.000-08:00

Many of you know Rick is a city carrier Mail Man. He is told this time of year to tell people "Happy Holidays". He's rather rebellious about it. I try to be to so when the people at the store say "Happy Holidays" to you...make sure to smile big and say "YES! Merry Christmas!"

Oh, the power of the name of Christ. To us it is a cause to rejoice, to others it's offensive. It has that reputation you know, and praise GOD, it always will!
Makes me think of the words of this scripture:
"At the name of Christ, every knee shall bow in heaven and on earth, and every tongue confess that HE IS LORD!"
Some people are not willing to bow and confess right now. Sad news for them is that they will one day anyway. Good news for those of us who trust is that we are just practicing for our big day to all bow together. Man, I'm going to be there and my heart will be full!

Karen (Love the Monkey Life"" on the blog reel) shared this fun Youtube and I agree..thanks Karen!

It Does Not Get Better Than This

2008-12-20T16:52:00.001-08:00

My honey got this for me for my birthday. Oh, what a absolutely lovely album. I'm a Loreena McKennit fan anyway but I have really been enjoying this very Celtic spin on Christmas.
This is my favorite but it's hard to pick one! The whole album is wonderful.

Good King Wenceslas
Good King Wenceslas looked out
On the feast of Stephen
When the snow lay round about
Deep and crisp and even
Brightly shone the moon that night
Though the frost was cruel
When a poor man came in sight
Gath'ring winter fuel

"Hither, page, and stand by me
If thou know'st it, telling
Yonder peasant, who is he?
Where and what his dwelling?"
"Sire, he lives a good league hence
Underneath the mountain
Right against the forest fence
By Saint Agnes' fountain."

"Bring me flesh and bring me wine
Bring me pine logs hither
Thou and I will see him dine
When we bear him thither."
Page and monarch forth they went
Forth they went together
Through the rude wind's wild lament
And the bitter weather

"Sire, the night is darker now
And the wind blows stronger
Fails my heart, I know not how,
I can go no longer."
"Mark my footsteps, my good page
Tread thou in them boldly
Thou shalt find the winter's rage
Freeze thy blood less coldly."

In his master's steps he trod
Where the snow lay dinted
Heat was in the very sod
Which the Saint had printed
Therefore, Christian men, be sure
Wealth or rank possessing
Ye who now will bless the poor
Shall yourselves find blessing

Here is a great sample of each song. The album is called "A Midwinter Night's Dream"

What The Kids Are Laughing at Today

2008-12-20T09:07:00.000-08:00

NOTE TO SELF

2008-12-19T11:15:00.000-08:00

NOTE TO SELF:

It's getting to that point. Some things are just not done. Time to look at the list and scratch out or simplify the grandiose idealistic parameters of tasks and to-do's. Time to remember...live is NEVER perfect..not even at Christmas. Children are still going to get up at night because they have bad gas from the beans but think their tummies are going to explode and refuse to sit on the potty. Husbands are still going to forget some of those things you've been sweetly nagging about. Pets are still going to try to eat the tree and make themselves sick from eating the needles so that you have to run for the Bissel (only happened once to each cat and I think they both learned their lesson). Dinner is still going to burn if you get distracted, even a simple side dish of corn. You babies are still going to need long bedtime rituals and kisses, books and songs. You husband still needs a smile when he walks in the door. And...
If you tree dies before Christmas.. be thankful they gave you a new one.
And..
If it was cut so badly short at the stump that you and your husband cannot get it to stay up straight after hours of trying so that you still have to cut a whole layer and foot of the new tree so that it's much shorter than your original dead tree and it has to go up on a table, and you have to redecorate and get to bed at 2am.

You can still, remember the amazing husband who was willing to go through it all with you and run to the store for a new tree base (at 9:30 and back home an hour later) only to come back empty handed and then relent to spending time out in the freezing night air at midnight to hack the tree down.

You can be thankful. You can let things go that need to go. You can enjoy your kids school parties and be thankful you get to be there with them. You can have that company for dinner and let them see some mess. You can stop trying to perfect...and learn to..
REFLECT...
RELAX...
and more than anything..
REJOICE.

Lilo Turns 8!

2008-12-17T09:17:00.001-08:00

Little Lilo turned 8 on Sunday (Dec 14th). She was so excited to have a party this year since she had a new bunch of friends since going to school. She still had her special friends from church and homeschooling too so it turned out to be quite big! The biggest she has ever had I think.
To prepare for the party, the kids colored a big butterfly Rick drew to match her other decorations. They had a good time doing that after they negotiated the colors ever so sibling like.December birthdays are my speciality I guess you could say. One thing you have to do, put up enough birthday stuff to forget it's Christmas for just a few hours anyway!:)The project of the party was to make treasure boxes. I was feeling brave...acrylic paint and all. Those of you who know us know we have a carpeted dining room. I figured as bad as the carpet is all ready, there was little you could do to make it worse. So, bring on the art projects! The butterfly game was fun but we had to put my winter hat on them too because we figured out quick they could see under the bandanna. The goal was to get the antennae on the butterfly. Lilo really wanted a pinata this year. Oh, and her dear teacher Mrs. M came to her party! That was so fun. The dive for candy. Daddy's makeover.:)Digging in to the sugar of course.Present time, present time! I think Lilo got a little spoiled this year. Nana got her a butterfly garden so she can grow butterflies in her room just like Mrs. M does in their classroom! She just has to send off for her caterpillars now. (look at my cute little batman looking on :) Awe, one little guy knew the key to Lilo's heart...Cheetos from TJ's! He also gave her some fruit leather and she has been so excited this week to have these treats in her lunches. Singing happy birthday to the birthday girl. A recent sunset seemed applicable as I've been pensive this morning reflecting these words:

Is this the little girl i carried,
Is this the little boy at play?
I don't remember growing older,
When did they?
When did she get to be a beauty,
When did he grow to be so tall?
Wasn't it yesterday when they were small?

Sunrise, sunset ,
Swiftly flow the days.
Seedlings turn overnight to sunflowers,
Blossoming even as we gaze.

Sunrise, sunset ,
Swiftly fly the years,
One season following another,
Laden with happiness and tears.

The Truth Behind The "Tiny" Baby Jesus

2008-12-16T09:22:00.001-08:00

We are so in awe of the remberance of the baby in a manger these days. We should be. However, we zero in and we tend to forget who this baby was.
I have seen few things as amazing as this footage from Louie Giglio. Take the time to watch it all even if you come back to do so bit by bit. Share it with your neighbors and your kids.
Be in Awe of the babe, but make sure you know who HE IS!

(there is a min of music at the begining of Part 1 but this is NOT a music video)
It builds as it goes btw.

Still Here

2008-12-11T07:43:00.000-08:00

(Lilo and Superkid....when they were babies...Lilo turns 8 on Sunday! Wow.)

I've so had not time for blogging! Ah! It's not that I'm crazy busy (just busy) or anything, it's just that I cannot afford to get distracted lately.
Had two sick kids over the weekend and lingering into the week. Superkid had some weird thing going on with his ankle we had to have checked out by a doctor, he's fine.
Lilo's birthday is Sunday! We are gearing up for a party here. Even making dinner is seeming like a side note lately.
Rick is off for a three day weekend this weekend! HE gets one every six weeks. I'm excited because Saturday is my birthday and he gets to be home (he usually works on Saturday). He and I are going to spend the near six hours the kids are in school on Friday "celebrating" my birthday by just being out together and maybe using a bogo lunch coupon.
The kids have one more week of school next week and then it's time to make cookies, presents for friends and Nana and just sit around listening to music and catching a few good movies at home. I'm looking forward to it.

Sometimes You Gotta Let Fate Design A Room

2008-12-06T12:39:00.000-08:00

Those of you who read frequently know the girls room has been a quandary for me for a long time. I've been all over the place on ideas, have taken back those shiny comforters for money reasons, and been back to the drawing board so many times. I had a breakthrough one day when cleaning my room and picking up an old 2006 Home Companion magazine. I have had it forever in my stack because I use to have a subscription. I LOVED the wall color. Not for a dinning room as it is shown here, but for the girls room.

So, I went to Home Depot and tried to find something close. The picture above showed me some elements that would make it work. The mantle and table are white, the chairs brass so that gave me the idea of how good it would work with their old French Provincial furniture. I found a color and got my tester quart. I went home and painted a by 2 foot square on the wall in their room. I felt it was too dark, and too purple. Rick like it though. So, I decided to just dig in. I went back for two gallons and painted the room from after I dropped them off at school, till 10 pm at night. They camped out in the living room. After I did the first wall I paniced big time. It was bold, and dark. I knew the girls got a lot of light in their room though so I pressed on in faith.

Once the room was done, we loved it. It was dark, but it was very royal and beautiful. We brought in the furniture and just went "wow!". We had found a wonderful combination.

From there I figured to go with aqua and yellow floral I had found in a beautiful vintage sheet. The plan was to make a duvet and shams and such. The girls room had been lavender and white so although the curtains were still that, I was determined not to do any lavender in the room.

Until this past Thursday. I was at the Goodwill dig with Rick (oh, my goodness, we did so good. We got four boxes for 30 dollars which included: 4 2' square Lego panels which cost 30 bucks almost each new, Scatagories complete, Payday complete, Blues Clues complete, about 8 pairs of jeans for the kids, some funky shirts for funky Lilo, A globe basketball for Superkid, An Army jacket for him to play dress up but that is actually his size, books for Princess, Tupperware, a hanging lamp for my friend who was looking for one, a Nerf gun, a transformer, a vintage suitcase which I use for decorative storage, and more) and going through the fabric and bedding, I came across this beautiful quilt and sham. They were absolutely gorgeous but guess what color they were? Lavender and white. Actually, they are Lilacs. Which is cool, it's one of my favorite flowers but I stood there and went "no, I don't want more lavender!". See, when I change things, I really change them. It's not like me to keep any part of the color scheme the same. Still, this was so pretty, and such a good quality quilt that I decided to grab it and if I hated it I could sell it or give it away. I happened to find two lavender gingham pillowcases that matched perfectly too.

(the wall looks a tad darker in the picture) (don't ya love Lilo's black and white Converse at the foot of the bed! They were given to us fro her brother but she snagged them first. Such an oxymoron to the bedding:)

I came home and washed it with hot water and lots of soap. I mended the two frays in it. I made the bed and stepped back and went "wow, okay, I give in."

And you could not beat the price which was next to nothing. Oh, and those window treatments that I was thinking I would just use till I could make something else, well, they worked perfectly.

Hey, one huge project I don't need to do anymore!

(I'll show the rest of the room when we get it done.)

Fine Tuning My "Hollywood-ness"

2008-12-05T08:35:00.001-08:00

As I said, that test was very right on. There was however one question that I really battled between which one to answer (they were both very applicable to me), and there were some aspects of that personality (Bette) that are not mine. Erica asked me why Betty Davis bugs me. Well, I think it's her grumpiness. You don't see her smile much or get all joyful about things. That's not like me. I also was always bugged by the sound of her voice. Petty I know.
SO, here's the kicker. I did the test again with that one question being different and it was very accurate too but hit more of my bouncy side. So, I concluded I'm a mix of the two ladies. Like I said though, the kicker was that it's the one other lady in Hollywood who is a little quirky in my mind! It's probably the outgoing side of me that enjoys calm and graceful ladies like Olivia de Havilland (do you know she is till alive!)and Donna Reed.

Anyway...my results when answering that one question differently were:

Your result for Are You a Jackie or a Marilyn? Or Someone Else? Mad Men-era Female Icon Quiz...

You Are a Katharine!

You are a Katharine -- "I am happy and open to new things"

Katharines are energetic, lively, and optimistic. They want to contribute to the world.

How to Get Along with Me

* Give me companionship, affection, and freedom.

* Engage with me in stimulating conversation and laughter.

* Appreciate my grand visions and listen to my stories.

* Don't try to change my style. Accept me the way I am.

* Be responsible for youself. I dislike clingy or needy people.

* Don't tell me what to do.

What I Like About Being a Katharine

* being optimistic and not letting life's troubles get me down

* being spontaneous and free-spirited

* being outspoken and outrageous. It's part of the fun.

* being generous and trying to make the world a better place

* having the guts to take risks and to try exciting adventures

* having such varied interests and abilities

What's Hard About Being a Katharine

* not having enough time to do all the things I want

* not completing things I start

* not being able to profit from the benefits that come from specializing; not making a commitment to a career

* having a tendency to be ungrounded; getting lost in plans or fantasies

* feeling confined when I'm in a one-to-one relationship

Katharines as Children Often

* are action oriented and adventuresome

* drum up excitement

* prefer being with other children to being alone

* finesse their way around adults

* dream of the freedom they'll have when they grow up

Katharines as Parents

* are often enthusiastic and generous

* want their children to be exposed to many adventures in life

* may be too busy with their own activities to be attentive

Take Are You a Jackie or a Marilyn? Or Someone Else? Mad Men-era Female Icon Quiz at HelloQuizzy

This was also very accurate.

If You Knew Me, You Would Understand

2008-12-03T19:49:00.000-08:00

(first I just have to say about the quiz below...it's very accurate, but.. I don't get physical when I'm mad, and I don't make a habit of cursing! Also, I hope I have some more tender qualities than just those mentioned. I still am wreathing that I'm Betty Davis, she is the one Hollywood woman I would never admire. Humph.)

So, if you knew me, you would know why I get tickled about these things.

I found a vintage Little People for Superkid at the Goodwill Outlet (I call it "the dig" because you dig for things literally). I was so excited just to find the frame. It's not as old as the one Rick and I had growing up which had the chalkboard, but it had a retractable playground that is way cool and it had parts too! That is not usually the case at the dig. So, today I cleaned it up with an old toothbrush and some soft scrub w/ bleach. It is so cute now!

We have a crate of a bunch of vintage little people all ready that he can add to this to have more kids and so on.
The really fun thing about this and a reason I think it was a fun thought of God's that I found it, is that school itself is so new to him this year. He is now going to understand the play and be able to get more out of it. So fun!
Just had to share my other little thrill. I use to have a tradition where I would wrap garland and beads on our dinning room light at Christmas to make a type of holiday chandelier. This year I did not want to do that because I don't want to mess with my new special one .

So, I had all this white garland and had some fun with it. I wrapped it around my entry way lamps instead. It gave the same effect as it did in the dinning room, a rather snowy feel to we deprived California types. A cheap thrill.

When lit they are warm and cozy. The one on the right is shown before I turned the shade around so the overlap is showing of the garland. You want to put that in the back normally. It's very easy to do. You just start a loop and tuck it, wrap around to the top and tuck that. No glue or anything.

Lastly, here are some pics form Thanksgiving day before we left for my mom's. We forgot to take the camera to moms:*.

Superkid cuddling with Shasta. If you are on my facebook, you all ready know this cat hates me. She loves Superkid but she is meaning to give me those evil eyes, trust me. Her brother loves me, so it's not me, right? As I said on facebook, I'm sure she is a dominatrix. She likes him because she knows he is the least in charge in the house. She hates me because I boss her when to get off or down all the time.

Rick watching the parade and playing big legos with Superkid.

Lilo happy in a chair with a bucket of crayons and a notebook.

Princess helping me peel apples. She was so cute in her apron.

Superkid building Diego's treehouse with daddy's help.

May Not Like It, But It's True

2008-12-03T17:36:00.000-08:00

Daja did this at her blog...i had to try. I feel like I'm reading myself. Funny thing is, Betty Davis annoys the tar out of me. Who knew it was because we were so alike. The test was so right on, it's a little scarry.

I wish I was someone more graceful....

Your result for Are You a Jackie or a Marilyn? Or Someone Else? Mad Men-era Female Icon Quiz...

You Are a Bette!

You are a Bette -- "I must be strong"

Bettes are direct, self-reliant, self-confident, and protective.

How to Get Along with Me

* Stand up for yourself... and me.

* Be confident, strong, and direct.

* Don't gossip about me or betray my trust.

* Be vulnerable and share your feelings. See and acknowledge my tender, vulnerable side.

* Give me space to be alone.

* Acknowledge the contributions I make, but don't flatter me.

* I often speak in an assertive way. Don't automatically assume it's a personal attack.

* When I scream, curse, and stomp around, try to remember that's just the way I am.

What I Like About Being a Bette

* being independent and self-reliant

* being able to take charge and meet challenges head on

* being courageous, straightforward, and honest

* getting all the enjoyment I can out of life

* supporting, empowering, and protecting those close to me

* upholding just causes

What's Hard About Being a Bette

* overwhelming people with my bluntness; scaring them away when I don't intend to

* being restless and impatient with others' incompetence

* sticking my neck out for people and receiving no appreciation for it

* never forgetting injuries or injustices

* putting too much pressure on myself

* getting high blood pressure when people don't obey the rules or when things don't go right

Bettes as Children Often

* are independent; have an inner strength and a fighting spirit

* are sometimes loners

* seize control so they won't be controlled

* figure out others' weaknesses

* attack verbally or physically when provoked

* take charge in the family because they perceive themselves as the strongest, or grow up in difficult or abusive surroundings

Bettes as Parents

* are often loyal, caring, involved, and devoted

* are sometimes overprotective

* can be demanding, controlling, and rigid

Take Are You a Jackie or a Marilyn? Or Someone Else? Mad Men-era Female Icon Quiz at HelloQuizzy

A Few Fresh Ideas

2008-12-02T12:28:00.000-08:00

I three more ideas for ya:

1. Saw a fleece quilt kit for girls at Michael's. You could cut the little squares yourself for such a fraction of the cost (the kit made a throw size and was 20 dollars) and pick colors your kid likes.

2. The Dollar Tree has tiny wooden treasure boxes and acrylic primary and pastel paint. You can make a kit for your kid with some of these so they can decorate them for friends.

3. You can have them decorate some for family and print verses on cardstock to fit in the treasure box. Pick a few themes (security, love, peace, forgiveness etc.) and color code them with a hole punch and ribbon for that theme. Then if they need a verse for reassurance, they pick that color. Create a tiny brass hook in the top of the box so the box can be set on it's side (you could do vertical or horizontal and even have the kids decorate the top of the lid like a picture frame) and hook the one they needed that day to the front to display on their dresser, counter or desk. I came up with this one this morning and will use it for someone special I know.:)

4. Michael's has these neat magnets in the dollar bin. They are shapes of all kinds (animals, butterflies etc). They are black but you have a scratcher to design a beautiful image. The magnet ones (their are plain shapes and stickers too) are good because the kids can create them and give them as a gift.

Maybe more later...who knows. My brain's been reelin'.

Frugal Thoughts For Christmas

2008-11-29T10:27:00.000-08:00

I was going to do this post over at our getting out of debt site but it's so consuming my thoughts and life right now that It probably belongs here. The point is that we are determined not to use our credit card at all this year for gifts. Even with the "we can pay it back in January" mentality we sometimes have.

So, in the budget there is so little room for Christmas. I thought I'd share some ideas I'm using to make it happen.

-I'm thrifting a lot, especially for the kids but also to put some things together for family.

-I'm taking Daja's idea from last year and making a basked of felt play foods for Lilo and Superkid (Daja has some other great ideas on there too) who still enjoy playing restaurant and such. The kit will be a basket from the thrift store w/ a vintage tiny table cloth I found a few months ago thrifting, the felt foods, and the aprons and chef hats they all ready have along with a new apron I found that is for the on who wants to be the waiter. Plus one little notebook and pen for taking orders.

-I found a "bedazzler" a long time back at a thrift store and saved it. I'm working on a craft kit for the girls that will include that, some cut squares of blue jean from worn out pairs from our family that I've been saving, thread, needles, buttons, ribbon scraps and whatever else I come up with. Blue jean is a great starter fabric for girls because you can just sew a seam and let the edges fray in the wash. This makes purse or tiny bag making very easy. I'm throwing in the seat of the jeans so they can make them into little handbags and such. I still have to find some bedazzle beads so they can accessorize with those.

-I really liked Julie's hand made gift for her friend and it got my brain rolling on something to make for my mom (so mom, if you are reading....STOP NOW!). Only I want to print some black and whites of the kids and tear the edges and then mount them on cardstock to add to the message of the piece. I'm not sure exactly what will come together, but I loved her idea.

-I found some porcelain dolls in great shape at the Goodwill outlet. Their hair and dresses were still lovely. I have a bunch of old vintage doll dresses my grandma made in the 50's that I want to give to Princess with the dolls. I'm looking for two stands so she can dress them and then set them on her shelf.

-I was given a bunch of American Girl books with some hand-me-downs that I will be putting in sets with a ribbon and giving to Princess.

-I scored after Halloween and was able to get a Batman costume and a Superman costume for 75% off the original price. The nice thing is that they are size 8-10 boy which is what Superkid is even though he is only five, so the little ones never fit him anymore. Even though he looks big, he still wants to dress up. They came with the capes and masks and everything. So fun! You could still do these from thrifting but if you have not thought of it yet, they may be gone. Good thoughts for next year though.

-We are trying to put together some outside things for the kids. I found a huge bouncy ball at the Goodwill outlet that we are going to pump up and give to Lilo. Since the kids have gone to school they have become more interested in foursquare games, tetherball, and jump rope. So, I'm thinking of making a movable tetherball pole with an old time, cement, and a pole. I just need to figure out the pole part. We are also considering making a cheap plywood back board that they can bounce the balls against and letting them graffiti it themselves with paint. That one is still in the idea only department.

-I was very fortunate to find gifts at the Target 75-90% off for my nephews and niece last year. I don't want to say what they were but I also got one for our kids. It's a great way to get quality gifts for such a fraction of the cost.

-I'm making "Get Cozy For Christmas" kits for Rick's family but I can't say what's in them yet.

-Making a few more handmade things for friends that I can's share yet either.

-All year long I pick up "Boxcar Children" books Princess does not have, or "Animal Ark" or "Magic Treehouse" for Lilo or "Nancy Drew", all from thrifting, and tie each set up with a ribbon and box it as a gift.

-At Easter clearance I was able to grab a few Lego men singles from the Target clearance section. Superkid really gets more out of these than the big sets since he can't quite put them all together yet, and he likes the Lego men the best anyway.

-We save great games that we find complete from the thrift store through the year as well. This year I have an original "Battleship" and "Scrabble Jr." for the kids.

-Pier One is a great place to get some after season clearance items. Last year I got a holiday scent set for my grandma and will send it this season.

Those are the ones at the top of my head and I just can't share all of it yet so....have to wait for the rest of the details.

Here is a fun link for ideas.

And my friend Judy at Judy's Notebook always links to this site that is a craft lovers drooling station.

A Five Year Old's Thankful List

2008-11-26T13:49:00.000-08:00

Perhaps it's the fact that he is my last "baby" (though as those of you who know us know, he has not looked like a baby for a long, long time) but sometimes I hang on every little cute squeaky thing he says. Especially at prayer time. Lately he has been going through these long lists of "thank you"'s each time he prays. At first a few weeks ago I thought, how cute, and then the Lord used it to encourage me at this tough time of year. Here were some of the ones I remember as usuals:
"Thank you for our earth-
Thank you for my toys-
Thank you for my mommy and daddy-
Thank you for my kittens-
Thank you for my friends-
Thank you for our school-
Thank you for Mrs. E....-
Thank you for our world (he switches from earth to world sometimes)-
Thank you for dying on the cross-
Thank you for my sisters (I'm holding him to that one:)-
Thank you for mommy's dinners (that's my boy!)-
Thank you for our house-

There are lots more, and I keep thinking I need to write them down. He comes up with so much!

Then I got to thinking, what am I thankful for?
God's faithfulness and truth.
A husband who is so determined from his heart to love me and the kids.
Children who are so interesting and different. (God's holding me to that one:)
Children who are eager to learn of God.
Friends who are so caring and steady.
The amazing chances we have had to meet lots of people lately and start building relationships to share God's love in any way we can.
For such a quaint small town to do that in.
For the fact that my kids all have great teachers.
For need. I'm thankful for need. It helps me rely on God.
I'm thankful He has placed a great desire for Himself in me that is greater than all other forces and deceptions in my life.
I'm thankful for health.
I'm thankful for my mom and God's faithfulness to her this past year.
For the promises of God, mainly eternity and the awesome prospect of living in His goodness every moment.

What are you thankful for? What theme of gratitude is on your heart this year?

I Was Plesantly Surprised

2008-11-25T15:34:00.000-08:00

Lilo made a beautiful paper woven place mat with this written on it:
Thank you God

For the world so sweet.
Thank you God.
For the food we eat.
Thank you God.
For the birds that sing.
Thank you God
for everything!
Amen

She did not bring this home from Sunday school, or Awana, no. She brought this home from her Public School second grade class.
Praise the Lord for teachers still brave enough to thank God.
I'll be sending her a note of thanks myself.:)

Sardines For Breakfast

2008-11-24T10:28:00.000-08:00

My dad was eating a lot of sardines when he was fighting cancer. Turns out they are one of the healthiest little cheap foods you can eat.
I've been talking to a lot of people who really won't get healthy because they just don't like stuff. I'm not a purist, and as I've said, I gag at bragging about being pure in diet, but if it's in your budget and making your life better why not give it a try. So, I've been trying to narrow down some superfoods that we can afford. I'm tired of life in a bottle or pill so I'm thinking, if I'm going to eat anyway, why not adjust my pallet to the things that I'd supplement to get benefit from anyway. Other wise you end up eating bad (which may cost you a lot to do anyway with processed foods, and pre-packaged, or chemically stabilized etc.) and then spending tons of money on vitamis. I guess you could say I'm looking for a bang for my buck.
This morning I had a weird craving for sardines and crackers for breakfast! What can I say, I walked an hour and was feeling outdorsie. I always keep some sardines for earthquake type emergencies. I pulled some out and then began to wonder if I was killing my diet by having them. I googled it and that's when I started to understand why it was recommended to my dad to eat. Look at this! We women need b-12 a lot, Vitamin D a lot, and Calcium a lot. Look at those levels! 150% of your B-12, 120% of your D, and 24% (some brands have more) for your Calcium! Look on the link at the great fatty acids and omegas too! And it's so cheap! That wedge of lemon looks so good, I think I'll try it next time. BTW, my fears of going off my diet were crazy when I found out that they are helpful in weight loss. Protein in general is needed more in our diets.

Just one tip. Don't look down too much while you are eating.

The problem is getting over how it looks. I have them on about six saltine crackers because the pinch of salt makes them better. I am going to look into other ways to have them. My kids even sometimes like them with crackers but I usually have to salt them a bit.

Other things I'm adding:

-Hummus (I've been doing for a while but now it's the only thing I'll dip my veggies in or put on my sandwich)

-Berries- Frozen Strawberries and Blueberries are on my list for shopping this next paycheck.

-Sweet Potatoes- I'm exploring how to get this into our diet more.

-Cooked Kale Greens- Just keep forgetting they are out there. We've had them before and liked them but I just forget.

-Sweet Red Pepper- We've done it before but I'm upping the amounts because it's a very healthy veggie the kids like.

-Spinach- starting to use it more in salads. My kids actually like it raw in salad and cooked in dips.

-Green Tea- Keeping a warm pot for the afternoon when I don't feel like drinking water because I'm cold but I need fluids. Use the rest for dinner over ice and with lemon.

Any ideas for more super foods on a budget?

NOTE: I realize this should have been over at my Good, Better, Best blog but I thought it was too interesting to get lost in the shuffle. Maybe I'll copy it over there. :)

The Power Of Perspective Part 1

2008-11-23T14:22:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking a lot about this. You know how sometimes concepts gather in the bucket of your brain one little drop at a time? Well, this one has been dripping for months and I'm thinking' it's getting near the top and wanting to be poured out.

Perspective is such a powerful thing. Now, you may think I'm referring to the perspective of looking though the eyes of faith and having joy in circumstances of life and all that, but I'm not, although that is a great topic for any blog. No, I'm actually talking of physical and psychological perspective.
It's random...let me see if I can just get going and well see where I end up together.
Part One:

First I've been pondering on the great perspective of God.
Picture yourself standing in a field. Slowly, you lift up into the sky and see not only the field but the lands about you as they slowly form into lots and properties divided by fences or roads. Further on the borders smudge into patters of green and brown, maybe some lakes appear but it all starts to be sections of color hue instead of defined human dwellings. Even further (perhaps you feel like you're on a mental google earth trip:) and huge bodies of blue appear. The brown and greens gather into smaller masses that become visible as continents. Now weather patterns appear and smudge out major sections of the land. Further back the prominent colors of white and blue appear and the definitions of the earth's sphere grow smaller as you fade away. Now it is beginning to change shape as only the sunlit side of earth remains visible and the rest fades into darkness. Speeding up now you whisk past stars and moons until the earth is just a lit spot in the distance. You can guess the progression until you are staring at the massive Milky Way galaxy. God can go even further back than we can define. So, this is where I'll stop.

The more amazing part is this:

From that outer perspective you know the workings and makings of all matter. You saw it on the day it was born and know the very patterns and common sense (at least in your mind) of it's makings. Beautiful clock work. You know the names of all the stars and celestial gatherings and bodies. Now you focus your attention back to earth. You begin to zero back in.

The view is of course just a rewinded order of the view from when you left. But now, as you zero in, you see all the men of earth. Like grasshoppers covering the earth.
Is. 40:22
"It is He who sits above the circle of the earth,And its inhabitants are like grasshoppers,Who stretches out the heavens like a curtain And spreads them out like a tent to dwell in."

Further in you hover over a large city like Los Angeles. The bug analogy works so well as there is so much coming and going. Masses of humanity moving too and fro all wrapped up in their own business. Amid the buildings you see a concrete slab with skittering movement back and forth. It's a group of boys playing basket ball. Your eyes meet one. We come closer and know the exact number of hairs on his head. (Matt 10:30). You hear his thoughts and are aware of the very functions of his brain. Every synaptic moment you oversee. You see inside the core of his being and know the very workings of his inner organs. Every time his heart pumps you hear the sound. You know where he is healthy and where his body weakens. You see when his blood count drops and when outside threats make their way in. You know exactly what he had for lunch and how his body is breaking it down and using it for energy. More than this, you know his every thought and motivation. You have heard every one and taken note of it. In fact you were there when he was born and greater still, when he was conceived. You knew in that moment exactly what characteristics he would have in both personality and appearance. You heard his first thought before anyone knew he was having them, and even he does not know what they were. You know every path his life has taken and every one it will take from that moment on. You know what day his body will stop working. You are just as intimately involved with his death as you were his life beginning. You know all this and as you back out again from the scene, you know the same amazing and intimate detail of each one of those boys there. Even if man were to hear thoughts, he could hardly handle the scattering thoughts of ten men. Yet, you can hear each one and comprehend it, and furthermore you knew what it was going to be before they conceived it. Greater still your perspective becomes as you take in the details of humanity in the whole city. Thoughts, intent (Psalm 94:11) pulsing veins, good and bad health, pregnancy unknown still, cancer unseen, love attracting, anger dividing, deception and good deeds, trusting you and shunning you, believing and blinded, working and resting, eating and starving, joyful and anxious....you see it all. Not only this, but zooming out, you see all who walk upon the earth with such intimate detail. Each one you created with care and saw in the warmth of the womb. You alone heard the first beat of their heart. (Psalm 139:13) Man could never be so acquainted with himself, let alone another in this way and yet you are so intimate with all of humanity. So great is your love and care for man that you went to your greatest pain to save those who would let you save them.
You who are so acquainted and understanding of these "grasshoppers" along the surface of the earth, are just as acquainted with the working details of the universe. You do not have to move focus from one detail to another as man does and therefore not attend to all at once. No, not only can you know like no other through your perspective, you can know all instantaneously.
YET! Neither are you bound by the boundaries of time as man is! You can see all that is and attend to it in every detail in the same moment you see all that was from the dawn of time as it is known, till the end of it.

____________________________________________________________________
Because I am unlike God, my perspective is small. I make the habit of thinking His is too, even without realizing it. Just by existing in the way I do. Even my pondering and writing about
it, as I have, does not even comparable to the reality of the greatness of God. Still, I want to stretch my brain constantly out of it's "grasshopper" mentality to remember that my perspective is modest at it's greatest moment.
More on this later. Part two is my thoughts on the complexity of man's perspectives.
In conclusion:

If we could understand remotely the hand we fall into when we submit to the sovereignty of God's perspective, we would ache for the joy of doing it again, and again.

Forever Young

2008-11-22T12:47:00.000-08:00

Mommy: (giving Superkid a hug and kissing him on the head)
"Will you stay little forever for me?"
Superkid: "I don't know if I can."

Good to know he would consider it if it were possible.

Aprehension About Thanksgiving

2008-11-22T09:24:00.000-08:00

I am distraught. I just wrote this whole long blog and was in blaring tears by the end of it and blogger lost it. I feel numb now. How do I pick it up and try again? I don't know if I can.

I grew up not celebrating things. Kids thought I was a JW. We had no Christmas tree and I had no birthday cake or presents. My parents in short grew up in families where presents where given but there were MAJOR issues when it came to actually being a loving family. I think these days put a bad taste in their mouth so they went as far the other way as possible with us. This was a mistake too but what do you do when you're a parent trying to do the best you can and still deal with your own baggage. They both had a lot of baggage. I'm absolutely certain I don't know the half of it all.
All I knew is that I could not understand why we didn't celebrate things the way other people got to. I would wake up on Christmas morning and lay in my bed wondering what wonderful family fun everyone was having. My dad would read the story from the bible over breakfast but that was it. Perhaps this is why I've developed an acute radar to legalism and tend to error on the side of having too much fun and sugar. :) I also grew up with no sugar and no white flour so don't get me started on my "finger gagging my mouth" attitude when people become so self-righteous about their purist ways either. Oh... better stay off that rabbit trail. The one birthday I do remember when I was five or six, my candle was on a plate. A plate. Melted to a plate. I blew a candle out on a plate. That was the last one I remember even having a candle. So, forgive me if I don't want to go down those trails again. I'm a passionate believer in moderation and even though we humans will fail at keeping it, I would rather keep striving for it than the alternative.
There was one day out of the whole year that was special. One. It was Thanksgiving. My mom would cook the big meal with it's southern flair (my family is from Indiana and Kentucky with roots in the south). Turkey, dumplings, cornbread stuffing, green beans with a spoon of bacon grease, 7-up salad, sometimes yams, a big green salad, and pumpkin pie. Oh, and that ridiculous can of cranberry sauce so lacking the originality the rest of the meal had. My mom would plop it out like jello onto a plate and then slice along the can impression lines. :*
It was a good day. My dad loved the food, my mom knew he loved the food and put her heart into it. The house would be clean and my dad would light the wood stove. There would be candles and music and warmth.

That day as I always knew it died when dad died. Last year I did all the cooking from scratch. It was my first time since we always went to mom and dad's for Thanksgiving. It was kinda "their holiday" since it was really the only one they ever did. When Rick and I were engaged we had our first Christmas in my bedroom with a little tree. I was not allowed to put it in the living room. Funny, because after Princess came, they started having a tree (they started with a few mini ones with lights around them and then worked their war up to the traditional one with ornaments and everything). I try not to think about it....more baggage. I'm sure I'm giving my kids their own baggage. As long as it's different baggage right?! :* Oh, dear. Anyway... I kept myself busy with cooking so I did not have time to think about the change. And it was at my house so it was very different. Thanksgiving as I had known it no longer existed and I seemed to be focused on a new version of it that was distracting enough to get through. I do remember just wanting to get it over with and hated that I felt that way about it. There was no alternative though. Probably the next morning one of the first things I said was "let's get the Christmas tree out!". I was anxious to move on. Christmas was "ours" and that was normal and comforting. It had not changed because dad had never been into it. This year my mom wants to have Thanksgiving back at her house. All of a sudden I'm panicked about it. I don't know if I want to sit around the table and feel the void. I'm proud of her though, because I know she does not want to even more than me and she is being brave to make a big step. Even that scares me. Will I have the energy to be strong for her? It means ignoring my own feelings to do so and I think I'm more scared of having to do that than giving into them. It takes more energy to push down pain to be there for someone else than it does to give into it and release sadness.

Scott will not be with us this year either. He is only coming home for Christmas. So there will be a double void and I just don't know if it will be too much.

Thanksgiving was dad. Mom was in the kitchen all day and dad was outside with us usually getting out the guns and doing dome target practice. When the grand kids came, it was them following him around the yard saying "Papa?" this and "Papa?" that. Pushing them on the swing out back in the tree, raking leaves, just being with him. He hardly ever stopped for life. This day he seemed to. What do you do when that's gone? I feel like the little girl on "The Grinch" only my heart is singing "where are you thanksgiving, why can't I find you? why have you gone away?"

Change is hard. Sometimes you cannot change something. You can only re-define it. It can never be what it once was, it has to become something new. You don't like the new. You hate it. You wish it would just go away completely but the world around you says it's still there so you try to work it out. You try to make it something new and special for the kids. You wish they could have had it the way you had it. You don't want them to have it this way.

I may dread it again this year. I may be glad with it's over. I may not be able to apologize for feeling that way. I may not be strong enough. I may not know what to do with myself. I may cry. I may try not to cry. I may be awkward the whole time seeing my mom try not to cry. I may make small talk. I may hate the small talk. I may walk outside and only hear the wind and wish I could hear the familiar scuffing of work boots coming up behind me with some new ingenious invention to entertain the kids on this once lovely day.

I know what I will do. I will be thankful for each one I love with me now. I will also pray for hearts akin to mine.

My New Favorite Sandwich

2008-11-19T12:31:00.000-08:00

Some of you know I'm trying hard to cut certain foods. I've cut out cheese and am trying not to do mayo. So, I have a new favorite Sandwich. It is SOOOOOO good.
It's just thin ham, hummus, lettuce and sliced cucumber. A little bit of comfort in a world of self deprivation!
The hummus serves the creamy that the cheese and mayo would give and the cucumber gives a lot of moisture. I personally had it on TJ's flourless multi-grain bread which is my favorite.
It would be good with a cooked portabella too but I don't buy those usually.

Food at $75 Part 2 and Pinto Beans Cheap and Easy

2008-11-18T15:57:00.001-08:00

I'm still roaming' my other bogs. I realized I did not quite complete my talk about groceries at %150 a paycheck, so I have a Part 2. BTW- I really welcome more ideals from you all over there as to how you save money so please comment!
Also, I have been asked by a few friends how I do my beans. The recipe is in the Cupboard.
OH, and you have to check this out...it's so cool!

I'm Over Here Today

2008-11-17T09:18:00.000-08:00

I'm mainly over here ("Keeping the Food budget at $75 a week") today, but also a little here.:)

Blogging Makeover Inside and Out

2008-11-16T22:47:00.000-08:00

I've been blogging for many years now. I have noticed how complicated blogging can become though lately. I want to take on things but then come to that point where it's just better to simplify. I've also got some new outlooks on blogging after some disgust with myself, some life lessons on my heart from God, and some observations on the trends in blogging.
So, on the outside, the blog just got simple again. I put the blogs that I actually do still go to from time to time, though even my blog reading time has shortened a great deal.
On the inside, I have a new outlook on blogging. I want my freedom back so I'm scrapping the blog themes except for the Saturday one that I'll get to when I have a relevant report. I'm also resolving to tell life how it is from my perspective, things I'm learning, or things we are doing and let go of this great trend of blogging to convince people who come by of anything. I'm a very passionate person for the the things I believe, and when the Lord moves me in a certain direction I take it on fully and tend to want everyone to follow. I'm learning to take some steps back and realize that He is working on me and my family and the rest is not my job. I have had a hard time the last few months sharing what we have been going through in life but trying to keep the delicate balance between sharing and blaring. I think there is a lot of blaring going on in blog land and I'm starting to tire of it myself. It has made me see it in myself and I want to wash up before moving on. I was getting so fed up with it for a few weeks I even considered stopping blogging all together. I was so annoyed with how opinionated people were and then realized that I'm easily perceived as opinionated myself. The only way to avoid the soap box is to share but not preach. So, that's just going to be the new trend here at SFE. Thanks for bearing with me as I try too often to start some revolutions. I will still be passionate about what God is showing me, and what we are up to, and I think I should be, it's our calling, but I'll be use more "me" and less "we". This may be the only regard when it should be "all about me" instead of "all about we". Does that make sense? If I lost you, I'm' sorry.
I'm so tired tonight! I had other thoughts on this regard but I'll have to try again another time.

The Real Mr. Incredible Was No Einstein

2008-11-15T10:20:00.000-08:00

Rick was reading bible stories to the kids last night from an old vintage story book that my dad use to read to me when I was little. I usually would take this time to have a moment to myself in the evening after homeschooling all day. Now I'm sitting with them and just started a crochet project to do during our family time. It's so nice to have had my sanity through part of the day to have the energy for family, I'm loving it.
Anyway, Rick was reading many stories but one of them was of Samson. I guess I really just don't think about the story that much but really, have you ever thought about that story? It really seems like a fable in many ways. I can even swallow the Jonah (ha, ha) story better than this one. Don't get me wrong, I believe it's true for one reason, I BELIEVE the Bible to be 100% truth. Those thing that seem impossible are tiddly winks to what God is capable of. Just for fun though lets review the real Mr. Incredible for a moment.

-He captured 300 foxes:

Really, how DOES one do that? It's not like you have 300 fox cages on hand and holding 300 foxes at a time is well...ha, impossible! Further more, how is it that there were 300 foxes available for him to capture!? As if this were not bizarre enough, consider that he tied their tales together. Can you imagine how you tie 300 fox tails together without them running off? After all that, the poor things had their tails lit on fire to run through the field. Poor little varmints! Why didn't he just SET the field on fire? Who knows.

-He killed 1000 men with a jawbone of a donkey:

Okay, so you've hear it a hundred times if you are a kid who grew up with these stories. Stop though..... a thousand men!? When was the last time you were in a room with a thousand men? How is it that they collectively could not overpower him? I mean, it's not like he even had a gun or a bow and arrow which would make them want to step back and hide. He just was swinging a mean thing. He must have been absolutely incredible to not just stun, not just frighten away, but to KILL all of those thousand men with a large bone in his hand.

-He pulled out the gates of the city and ran 20 miles with them.

Have you ever seen the defending gates of old cities? This is not your garden gate variety. These are heavy and strong. Getting them out would be amazing alone, but he didn't stop there and just throw them on the ground, nope. He lifted them and carried them off. Not only so, he carried them for 20 miles! Think of a place that is 20 miles from you. I don't think I'd want to carry my groceries 20 miles, let alone city gates. This is crazy power!

-He killed a lion with his bare hands. Well, nuff said on that one.

However, Samson was seemingly dense. What God gave him to be strong in, he was amazingly strong in a most superhuman sense. The enemy knew his weakness though, and he used it to full advantage. Of course we know all these things were in the plan of God but still, it's something to take note of and watch out for.

Not only is he dumb enough to fall into the influences of the women on the very side that God is not pleased with, the Philistines, he is as gullible as a child with her.

She tries to get his secret of strength, he lies. She yells "Samson, the Philistines are upon you!" and he wakes with a start to defeat them. If this happened once, any smart man would get that this woman was up to betraying him. Nope, not Samson, he let's this happen three times and worse than that...he gives the truth in end! Did he not have an idea that this might happen to him?! Did he not get that "if I do this, then she does that, then I get attacked" was becoming a pattern? Though there is great sadness in what happened to Samson, one feels for a moment that he "duh!", should have got a clue.

Then I think about myself. How often I let the world get me and look back and say "duh!" to myself. How often I get swept into temporal thrills and forget my eternal goals. How quick I exchange the power of the Spirit of God for the tiny things I want here and now. Our pastor has been preaching on the Holy Spirit and I've been excited to understand him for the first time in my life. It has changed the way I pray. In the morning I pray for myself and all of my family one by one and by name:

"Lord, may the Holy Spirit do work in (my, or the other person's name)'s life today. May he have victory today over (my, or other)'s sinful human nature and work in their (or my) life and heart to the glory of God the Father."

Why this prayer?

Because I tend to get wrapped up too quickly in the part I play, or think I play in the work of God, and I forget that the bible tells me that anything I do is in reality the work of the Holy Spirit of God himself at work in me. I also then forget that I need to be instep with that Holy Spirit as he works to move in my life, and obey his promptings on the temporal vs. eternal issues that come up. They can be so small. With Samson, he thought he was just having a conversation with his girlfriend and yet, the course of events that followed were huge.

Conclusion:

The power of the Holy Spirit wants to work in my heart, mind and soul for the glory of God. In big amazing challenges, he can overcome. In little seemingly mundane decisions, he wants to use his power and strength to bring about the glory of God too. I need to be alert to stay in step. I am certain that if I did this more, I could avoid some painful humbling events in my life. And since doing this itself is not a work of mine either, I can pray that the Holy Spirit would tune my ear to his voice, for I certainly am born not to hear at all.

Note: Incase you did not notice, I'm not doing blog themes lately. I have not had that much time to blog.

Heavy Hearted Hope

2008-11-10T10:17:00.000-08:00

I've been working on this but wrote it the day after the election.

Heavy Hearted Hope
My hope is in you, my position secure,
My outcome foretold and strong to endure,
No wind can dare move what you have in place,
No darkness can hide the light of your face.

Ages may pass and men may lay plans,
But his every move, is your slight of hand,
Power and victory which none can attain,
Are wrapped up completely in your holy name.

So, tremble my heart for a moment today,
As men fall to blindness and further decay,
Find joy in the morning- all is in right,
When You show Your glory, Your power, Your might.

For even the workings of those who rebel,
You turn in submission of all being well-
Though seeing your truth so distasteful to men,
Does bring me to sadness again and again.

The roaring of masses caught up in deciet,
May run a chill from my head to my feet,
I weep for your word so strongly rejected,
A land where your statutes are quickly neglected-

But Your hand is steady; your way is straight,
I'm called to trust you and patiently wait-
For man is but mist and the fading of grass,
But Your Word was first, and it shall be last.

Finding my footing I'm filled with a joy,
It's power I'm certain I need to employ,
Growing my passion to blaze brighter still,
As shadow around is pressing it's will.

May I not shame you by covering my light,
But let it be boldened and evermore bright-
Heavy with purpose instead of with fear,
A longing to seek you and draw ever near.

Kingdoms and men will still fall and rise,
You hold them up and cause their demise-
Doing my part, I'll stand for your name,
Though here and now it may bring me shame-

Eternity waits and it's victory I feel,
It fills me with triumph this cannot steal-
You who hold all will keep ever steady,
This servant, this witness whose standing here....ready.

Alicia November 5th, 2008
(please do not copy or forward)